Marco "Don't Forget To Hydrate!" Rubio
Jeb "I'm The Smart One--No Really!" Bush. (Honestly, in that family, he just might be. But isn't that very much like being the tallest pygmy?)
Mike "Hey, I Got To Jam With Ted Nugent!" Huckabee
Chris "What Do You Mean Lard Isn't A Food Group?" Christie
Sarah "I'm Still Here And I'm Still Babbling Incoherently" Palin
Scott "Ruining A State Is Just The Beginning" Walker
Ted "Living Proof The Ivy League Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be" Cruz
Rick "The Glasses Make Me Look Smarter, Right?" Perry
Rand "Fill In The Blank" Paul ("I mean, really, I'll say whatever you want me to say. Just tell me what you want me to say.") AKA Rand "I Honestly Can't Open My Mouth Without Saying Something Stupid--God Knows I've Tried" Paul
Ben "Being A Surgeon Requires Less Intelligence Than You'd Think" Carson
Donald "If I Were A Human Being I'd Be Appalled By Me" Trump
Willard Mitt "Wouldn't It Be Easier If I Just Bought The Presidency?" Romney (Willard says he's not going to run and, by God, I believe him! Just like I believed him when he said he cared about poor people...)
Of course, there's always room in the Klown Kar for one more...
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