"The Nearest Run Thing You Ever Saw In Your LIfe"

The title of this post is a quote from the Duke of Wellington about the Battle of Waterloo.

I take it to mean that, if one or two minor things had or hadn't happened, Napoleon would have won.

And the history of Europe would have been very different.

The margin for error was just that thin. 

The more we learn about the January 6th insurrection, the more clearly we see that it was also a "nearest run thing."

You might think that a lifetime of bankruptcies, business failures, divorces, and indictments would have taught Donald J. Trump how to accept defeat. 

Au contraire. 

The King of the MAGAts had a plan to overturn the election. A 6 point plan, put together by the kind of lawyers that attach themselves to people like Donald J. Trump, i.e. the sleaziest kind.

And, if one or two things had gone his way...

Our democracy is just that fragile. 

The Founders anticipated many things.  They did not anticipate something like Donald J. Trump, with a hand picked Supreme Court, and a political party so afraid of him that it would be willing to trash the Constitution just to keep him happy.

By the way, Mike Pence really deserves no credit for ultimately not going along with the plan. He searched and searched and searched for a way to do what his Master wanted.

Finally, apparently after consulting with another half-wit Hoosier former Veep, he did the right thing, the only thing he legally could do.

(And, naturally, was then threatened with death by Traitor Don's traitorous followers.)

When the fate of your democracy rests on the Constitutional wisdom of Dan Quayle, you have truly dodged a bullet.

We Don't Need The Republican Party Anymore, Do We?

No.

We don't. 

There are enough moderate Democrats who do a really good impression of the now extinct moderate Republicans.

Honestly, when was the last time a Republican did anything to benefit the majority of Americans? 40 years ago? 50? 

Sure, they can wave the Bible around and wrap themselves in the flag...but actually govern? Not so much.

No. They are a fringe party now. Out in the weeds, with nothing to offer except racism, sexism, xenophobia, dead end thinking, and, of course, tax cuts for the rich.

They've spent the last 5 years cheerleading for a traitor. A traitor who is also a crook and a creep and an idiot.

A traitor whose army of zombies stormed the Capitol with blood in their eyes and murderous intent. 

A murderous intent that was aimed at a few Republicans as well as all Democrats.

And they have the nerve to claim it never happened, at least not like that. Those cretins waving Confederate flags, attacking cops, and smearing shit all over the place were "peaceful visitors" "patriots concerned for 'their' country."

Uh huh.

I mean, who are you going to believe? The Republicans or your lying eyes? 

So what happened to the Party of Law and Order? 

Washed away in a flood of Q-Anon nonsense, Russian disinformation, Libertarian twaddle, racist dog whistles, and corporate cash.

Now and forever, G.O.P. stands for Goons On Parade.

They deserve nothing but contempt.

Some Questions For The Remaining Trump Supporters

Hey, whatever happened to "lock her up"?

Your boy had both houses of Congress for 2 years and the Justice Department for 4 and yet...crooked Hillary Clinton walks the earth a free woman. What's the deal? You all worked yourselves up into a frothy mouthed frenzy--repeatedly--and...NOTHING happened. All those crimes you were so sure she committed, what about them? Where are the indictments? Where is the perp walk you were all praying for? Last time I checked, Obama was still a free man, as well. Looks like he's having a good time, too. Wrote a book. FYI a book is a bunch of pieces of paper filled with words.

Speaking of things that never happened, when will Mexico start paying for The Wall? Goddamn it, Trump promised they would. The check is probably in the mail, right? And you know how slow the mail is.

What about all of these Chinese hoaxes? What about them? Boy, those Chinese sure are good at hoaxes. They convinced 350,000 (and counting) Americans to give up their lives. All for a hoax. And, apparently, they can control the weather. Hurricanes, fires, floods, blizzards. All for a hoax. Wow! And after Trumpie gave their guy that slice of super duper chocolate cake, too. Ingrates.

And all of that money TrumpCo has uh, raised (grifted), from you to challenge the obviously rigged election. Where did that money go again? Could it be into his and his family's pockets? That would probably be a good place to look.

Do you know that accepting a pardon is an admission of guilt? No, of course you don't. But it is. Which means all of those people that the Trumpmeister pardons are GUILTY. All of his little buddies have committed crimes. Crimes against America. The country you all profess to love. Funny, huh?

Finally, what flavor is the Kool Aid? Must be really tasty.

The End Of Trumpy The Clown

Sad day for the Ur-clown.

All the old gags stopped working and the Big Top has left town without him.

There is no lying his way out of this.

There is no threatening his way out of this.

There is no bribing his way out of this.

Trumpy's bag of time tested tricks is empty.

Oh, sure, he still has his die hard fans. 

But let's face it, they're so easily entertained, so relentlessly stupid, so morally challenged, they'll be frothing at the mouth and laughing at Trumpy's tired act until the graveyard dirt is shoveled onto them.

Of course, he can always send out his fellow clown Rudy G., who, incidentally, is a dead ringer for the murderous baboon in Ad Astra.

Unfortunately, Rudy's act is just as lame as Trumpy's. 

And many of his clown cohort have already fled the SS Trumpy, which is taking on water at an alarming rate. I could say something about rats leaving a sinking ship, but that wouldn't be fair to rats.

No, no matter what Trumpy tries, for the majority of us, Trumpy Time Is Over.

So, R.I.P. Trumpy.

Which in this particular case means Rest In Prison.

Amy Coney Barrett Orders An Ice Cream Cone

Clerk: Yes ma'am?

ACB: I would like to order an ice cream.

Clerk: Yes ma'am. What flavor?

ACB: So many to choose from.

Clerk: Yes there are. But you must have a favorite. 

ACB: At this time I am not prepared to offer an opinion. 

Clerk: But--

ACB: Each flavor must be judged individually, based on the original intention of its maker.

Clerk: What?

ACB: I cannot announce any choice that I might or might not make regarding any, or for that matter, all ice creams, until I have weighed the intent.

Clerk: Uh huh. You must have a favorite, though. 

ACB: Whether I do, or don't, cannot be determined until such time as I am confronted with arguments from all sides.

Clerk: Arguments? It's just ice cream, lady. Surely you have a--

ACB: I have no preconceptions regarding any flavor of ice cream. I just want to adhere to the original intent of the ice cream makers.

Clerk: Uh huh. "The original intent of the ice cream makers." I haven't heard that one before.

ACB: I believe that it is impossible for any person of reason to choose anything without understanding its makers' original intent.

Clerk: I'm pretty sure they just wanted to make something that tastes good that people will like.

ACB: And what is your source for that belief?

Clerk: Just a wild guess. Maybe if we just narrowed it down to vanilla and chocolate?

ACB: Fine flavors both. There is established precedent for both.

Clerk: Good. We're making progress. How about a scoop of creamy, snow white Vanilla?

ACB: I would never choose, or not choose, an ice cream based on color. That would be wrong.

Clerk: OK. A scoop of rich, dark Chocolate then?

ACB: Hmm. I don't know. There are merits to both. And demerits as well. Until I have further information, from all available sources, I'm afraid I must delay announcing my decision.

Clerk: Next in line, please!

Is There ANYONE Associated With This Administration Who ISN'T A Criminal?

Uh...apparently not.

Are there ANY Republicans in Congress who aren't in Russia's pocket?

Maybe. One or two.

Do we really want all of those Catholics on the Supreme Court? 

No. At least not the "Baby Jesus weeps for fetuses" kind. If they're the "shut the fuck up and mind your own goddamn business" kind, then...maybe. But those are few and far between in public life. So, let's just go with "NO", ok?

Do they have Presidential suites at Federal prisons?

Hopefully we will find out very soon.

If...(with apologies to Rudyard Kipling)

If we're going to forcibly sterilize "undesirables", shouldn't we start with the Trump family?

If Republican policies are what Americans really want, how come they can't win a national election without cheating?

If there truly were a "Bay of Pigs" award, would it commemorate how a bunch of Cubans who got run off the island by Castro tried to go back and got their asses handed to them again?

If you want to know the difference between Republican men and Republican women it's really very simple. The women wear slightly less cologne.

If you're a cop and you gun down a black woman in her bedroom, make sure you don't let any stray bullets go into a neighbor's dwelling. Otherwise you might get in trouble.

If Joseph Goebbels ever came back he'd have his own prime time show on Fox News.

If you take away hypocrisy, what else does a Republican candidate have? Oh yeah, racism, greed and stupidity. So, glass half full.

13 Excuses When Your Trump Boat Sinks

1. Too many MAGA flags.

2. Too many MAGAts on board.

3. AntiFa submarines.

4. Didn't understand how water works. Waves? Wakes? It's all so complicated! 

5. Black Lives Matter sank it.

6. But her emails!

7. Obama's fault.

8. Sea Monsters! Ai-yee!

9. It's obviously a Deep State conspiracy. 

10. Somali pirates.

11. God's Will.

12. I'm an idiot.

13. Karma (see number 12).

Other Martha McSally Fundraising Ideas

You have by now, no doubt, skipped one meal and sent the money saved to Martha McSally--just like she asked.

However, sadly, that may not be enough!

It's becoming harder and harder for miserable right wing hacks to get all of the money they need to run a successful campaign. 

Despite what you may have heard, lies are not cheap these days--especially when you use them in bulk. And the Russians only have so much money.

So....Martha needs more help, i.e. dollars, and here are some ideas on how to get them for her:

Rob a liquor store. CoVid has led to more people drinking at home. So, liquor stores are flush right now! And Martha really needs you. What's a potential few years in jail if it means you helped Martha? Don't be selfish.

Steal from your family. I understand this is very popular in some quarters. And honestly, does Grandma really need all of that dough? I mean, what's she going to spend it on? Doilies? Tea? Come on, Grandma! Time to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about Martha McSally.

Stand on the corner with a sloppily lettered sign. Thanks to Der Trump's fantastic stewardship of the economy during the pandemic, the corners are getting very crowded. But there's always room for one more. And when they hear that you're doing it for Martha McSally, the real beggars will stand aside.

Remember, like all Republicans, Martha doesn't care where the money comes from, as long as it keeps on coming.

Get busy!

Random Thoughts On A Ridiculously Hot Day

Since "Global Warming" is just another of those Chinese hoaxes that are so popular with our fearless leader, this string of 110 degree plus days that we're living through in Phoenix must just be another socialist plot--right?

Anyway, the extreme heat makes things a little crazy, and our thoughts turn to...

If you have enough money to start your own space program, you have too much money.

Maybe this, and by "this" I mean the Trump Abomination, will stop, once and for all, that "run government like a business...we need a businessman in charge" nonsense. Maybe. 

We should never underestimate the ability of the Republican Party to repackage the same old horse shit in a shiny new box.

It's very, very, very hard to get to excited about major league baseball when it's played under these conditions. Basketball seems to have pulled off its restart with a modicum of verisimilitude, but all those tens of thousands of empty seats in the baseball stadiums, dotted with the occasional CGI fans, are just sad. Maybe they should just cut and paste the front cover of the Sgt. Pepper's album everywhere? That would be fun, at least for awhile. Plus, I'm pretty sure that they're using a juiced ball again...

Is every Republican in Congress either a twink or a female impersonator?

There is no point in trying to convince any remaining die hard Trump supporters about the error in their ways. Don't waste your time or your breath. If, after all of the damage that "man" and his Republican enablers have done to this country over the last few years, they still follow him blindly over whatever cliff he's headed toward, they are past redemption. Just like those Germans in the Spring of 1945 who were convinced that the Big Guy would turn it around any day now, they are True Believers and they will go to their graves believing the Big Lie(s).

Always remember, "Greater love hath no man" than that he would leave his brother's death bed to get in a quick 18 holes.

We will get through this madness, somehow, but what we will look like on the other side is at this point unknowable.

Other Potential Sites For The Republican Convention

Holding a large revival meeting of slobbering, hysterical, boobs in Florida seems somewhat problematic right now, so let me suggest some other sites for the Republicans:

Moscow

Riyadh

The Vault At A Deutsche Bank Branch

Any KKK Clubhouse

A Dumpster

A Dumpster On Fire
 
A Garbage Barge

A Very, Very, Deep Hole

A Carnival Cruise Ship Somewhere In The South Atlantic

The Ballroom Of The Titanic

Nuremberg

Hitler's Bunker

Hell

Another Year Shot To Hell

Well, here we are at the end of another year...

Older? Sure.

Wiser? Uh...some of us, sure. Others, not so much.

Three years of the reign of the Flaming Orange Anus have taught us one thing:

There is no known bottom to the stupidity of certain Americans. Just when you think we've reached it, the trapdoor gives way, and there below us is the empty, unfathomable, darkness.

But hey, hope springs eternal, and there's always a chance, slight though it may be, that some folks will wise up.

Just don't bet on it.

Anyway, we head now into an election year that is bound to be the strangest one EVER.

Many lies will be told. Much money will change hands. Tweets will fly.

If you thought 2016 was odd, brace yourself for whatever Vladimir Putin and his minions in the Republican Party can come up with.

Don't worry. It's just the fate of democracy in the balance.

But first, let's all have a large flagon of New Year's cheer...we will definitely need it!

Is There Anything Donald J. Trump Won't Lie About?

No.

No there isn't.

Everything and anything. Small things. Big things. Unimportant things and very important things.

Sometimes, in fact, in the middle of a lie, he will stop and lie about something completely unrelated to the lie he was telling. You know, just for practice.

Given that, the stunning thing is that he isn't better at it.

I mean, sweet Baby Jesus, he's had a lifetime to perfect his lying--and he's still bad at it.

At this point, only a moron would fall for his lies.

In fact, the only people who still believe him are the MAGAts themselves.

And the truth is that they are a minority. That's right, loud, stupid, angry, gun crazy, racist, phony "Christians" are a minority in this country. They take up way more space in the national psyche and dialogue than they warrant.

And the only way that a political party that caters to them can win a national election is by cheating.
 

Just One Question For Trump Supporters

I'm tired.

You're tired.

We're all tired.

If you're not tired of Donald J. Trump, there is something very, very wrong with you.

So, the question for Trump supporters is: "What does he have to do to lose your support?"

He lies constantly. He lies at an unbelievable rate.  10,000 provable lies and counting since his inauguration. That doesn't seem to bother you.

He violates the Constitution every day. Every fucking day! That doesn't seem to bother you.

He has NO discernible positive achievements as President. His entire Presidency has consisted of the aforementioned lies and appeasing various dictators, who are apparently his role models for governance. That doesn't seem to bother you.

He just admitted that he will willingly collude with foreign governments during the next election. And he has done absolutely NOTHING to stop foreign governments from meddling in said election. That doesn't seem to bother you.

So, what does he have to do to lose your support?

He lies, he cheats, he steals, he disregards the law, he commits something that looks very much like treason on a regular basis, and still you support him.

Is demonizing people with brown or black skin worth that much to you? You'd let our country be dismantled just to punish "them"?

Wow.

Possible 2020 Trump Campaign Slogans

I'm sure that there are some cynics among you who are certain that all the fundraising that Der Trump is doing, including his recent brownshirt rally in dear old Phoenix, is just designed to grift enough money from his base o' halfwits to pay for his family's ever growing legal fees...

Oh, ye of little faith!

I prefer to look ahead with the optimism born from my strong belief that things can always get worse.

And so, dear reader, I proudly offer up some potential Trump 2020 campaign slogans:

Trump 2020: Together we can ruin a nation!

Trump 2020: The joke's on you!

Trump 2020: Let's see how bad things can get!

Trump 2020: You knew I was crazy when you fell for me!

Trump 2020: Nothing is my fault. Nothing!

Trump 2020: I told you you'd get tired of "winning"!

Trump 2020: Just how stupid do I think you are? Ha!

Trump 2020: A Moron Among Morons!

Trump 2020: Kleptocracy anyone?

Trump 2020: Let's see just how much more I can fuck things up!

Trump 2020: Wall? What wall?

Trump 2020: Ich bin ein AmeriKKKan!

Trump 2020: Things can always get worse!

Trump 2020: Pardon Me!