God's Glory, And All That Jazz

Let's assume for a moment, for the sake of argument, and against all available information, that there is something, somewhere, resembling God.

All powerful, all seeing, open all night.

The Big Man.

Or Big Woman, for that matter

Who can be sure, after all?

Does anyone really think that any conceivable Supreme Being would care whether either Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio believed in Him/Her/It?

Let alone whether they thanked Him/Her/It for their paltry political successes?

But, hey, let's say I'm wrong.

Sooner or later The Almighty, The Big Whatever Upstairs, will have to choose a favorite.

When that happens, one of those boys will be very, very disappointed in his Lord and Savior.

And then, trust me, there will be Hell to pay.

A Brief Message From God

Hi, Almighty here.

Had a couple of shots of Irish so forgive any punctuation, spelling or syntax errors.

Hey, wait a minute! I sort of invented all that shit, so I guess I can change it any time I want. Cool.

It's really fun being omniscient and omnipotent, and, uh, you know, that other stuff.

But even with all that, I still had the Spurs in six.

I mean, Jesus H. make your free throws!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah. There are a lot of folks claiming that I spoke to them and told them to run for president. Some clowns named Huckabee and Santorum and, oh hell I can't remember all the rest of their names, because frankly, it's a big universe, and I really don't have any reason to.

There are much more interesting things going on elsewhere. You should see some of the shit that I see! For example, on the far edges of the galaxy, the Kardashians would qualify as a model of well adjusted family life.

Anyhoo, even though I'm 100% certain that these folks are hearing voices, I'm also 100% certain that they aren't hearing mine.

As a general rule, when someone says "God told them" to do something, they crazy. Keep an eye on them. And whatever you do, don't let them be in charge of anything. Anything.

I don't talk to people, OK? Never have, never will. Not my style. I set things up so that sane people could make sane choices. Not would. Could. The fact that some of you choose to go in exactly the opposite direction is not my problemo.

Oh, and just between you and Me, when you pray, you're pretty much talking to yourself. It all goes into a file that I'll probably never get around to reading. Sort of like the NSA.

Also, I don't care who wins any football game or boxing match. Or any sporting event, really.

But I will say this: the Patriots would've beaten the Colts if they played with bowling balls.

One last thing. OBAMA 2016: Just To Piss You Off.

God out.

"End Times" Again

According to noted televangelist and hairspray adept Pat Robertson, we're very near the End Times. Again.

And here I just put all of the decorations away from the last "End Times." Jesus. I guess apocalypses do have a way of sneaking up on you.

You know, one of the problems with living your life according to a bunch of superstitions and fairy tales is that you're never exactly sure what to plan for.

Plague of locusts or famine? Do I need to stock up on the bug spray or just a bunch of canned goods? Or both? Beats me.

Is this really the Rapture or just a problem with my meds?

Will it rain for 40 days and nights, or only long enough to mess up the car?

Is it better to be already dead and raised up by old Mr. Jesus, or alive, brutally killed in the conflagration, and then raised up?

Should I spring for the 3D Imax version of the Book of Revelations? Those glasses give me a headache.

What do the Chinese think about all this?

So many questions, and so few answers.

Another Open Letter From God Himself To Willard Mitt Romney

Dear Mitt,

Hey Mr. 41%, you know I don't answer prayers, right? I think by now that should be obvious to everyone.

Most of what happens just happens, and Life goes on...so stop begging. It's unseemly.

Mitt, we all have burdens in life. Things we have to overcome. That's what makes it interesting. But Rick Santorum? Really? Really?! Take a good look at him; now take a good look at yourself. Now tell me why on earth are we still talking about him? The man is batshit crazy, Mitt. That cat has more ethical and intellectual shortcomings than the Arizona Legislature! You are running against a moron and you can't take him down! After a year of this crap, almost 60% of your party still prefers Anyone But Mitt. If it weren't so funny it would be kinda sad.

It's been a gas, though, watching you stumble around the country, saying the most inane, bizarre, and totally inappropriate things. "The trees in Michigan are just the right height." What does that even mean? Trees are growing all the time, numb nuts. That's what they do. You can look it up. Dude, to be blunt, you are one of the biggest fuck-ups I've ever seen! And trust me, I've seen a lot of weird, weird, shit in my time. The ancient Egyptians alone would fill a library. I'm omniscient and I still haven't figured out where they got some of that stuff...

But it's the 21st Century, for Christ's sake, and I thought you guys had evolved a little bit. Guess I was wrong.

So, long story short, no Mitt, I can't help you. Like Prince says, "in this life you're on your own." Here's a thought: Maybe you should try another line of work. Because you're obviously not very good at this one. However, if it's any consolation, everybody up here does find you endlessly entertaining. And that ought to count for something.

Peace, etc

God

PS Do you know anyone than can get me Springsteen tickets?

An Open Letter From God Himself to Willard Mitt Romney

Dude, face it, people just don't like you that much! I don't know why.

Of course, being omniscient and all that, I should know why, shouldn't I? Hmmm. I think the problem is that it's such a pervasive, ongoing and obvious thing that I really haven't given it much thought. Some things just are the way they are, you know? The sun goes up, the sun goes down, people think you are a dick.

Anyway, I have a whole cosmos to watch and I'm sorry Mitt, but you aren't even in my Top 10.

However, since you keep asking, I will offer up a couple of educated guesses. Could be the way you switch positions to suit whatever the prevailing mood is. People don't like that. Makes you seem like an opportunistic asshole. Also, try not to be so goddamn condescendingly smug. People don't like that either. Maybe cut back a little on that shit eating grin of yours, too. Trust me, it's creepy.

By the way, I don't think it's because you're a Mormon. Although I have noticed that, except for those wacky Scientologists, folks seem to like their superstitious claptrap to be a few thousand years old at least and the LDS is what, 160 or so? So maybe that is it. But hey, as I always say, believe whatever you want. It's all mumbo jumbo as far as I'm concerned...

Just remember this: if one of you is my child, then you're all my children, and let's leave it at that, OK?

Anyway, try a few of my suggestions and if they don't work, it might be that there's just something about you that inherently pisses people off. It happens sometimes.

Oh, one last thing. Despite what some professional athletes may think, I really can't take sides. It's not allowed. However, the smart money up here is on Obama. Sorry.

Peace, etc,

God

PS when you have a sec, take the private jet to the Big Apple and see The Book of Mormon--it's a hoot!

PPS Nobody gets their own planet.

PPPS if you ever run into Michele Bachmann again, please tell her that those voices she keeps hearing are definitely not me. If she wants I can recommend a couple of good psychiatrists.

And Good Christians All

It's a strange breed of Christian that wants to stomp on the downtrodden. I'll confess to not studying the Bible in many years, but I don't recall any invocation to screw the needy. And yet it must be there, because all around us, screaming their fool heads off, there's an army of self-proclaimed good Christians. And boy are they pissed!

Poor old Jesus. What would he make of it all?

Remember this one? "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." That went right out the window, didn't it? Just not practical for these times. Got to look out for old number one, you know? Sorry, but you're on your own. After all, charity begins at home.

OK, what about "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the Kingdom of God"? Well, he was young and when you're young you say a lot of crazy things. For instance, I know some people who swore 30 years ago that Boston was a great band. No, I'm sure he'd change that one, given the chance. Because we all know that in America, where God reportedly sheds most of His grace, being poor is the greatest sin imaginable.

If God really loved you, He would have made you rich. Since you aren't, obviously God has found you lacking in some way. You are not worthy of God's love. And so we'll let you fall by the wayside.

The simplest, and probably the best, ethical system I can imagine was summed up by Confucius about 500 years before Christ was born: "What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others." No need for the Big Man upstairs to keep track. No Heaven as a reward, no Hell as a threat, and no need to keep passing the collection plate. (If Jesus ever does come back, and personally I'm not holding my breath, he should ask to look at the books, first thing.) No, just try your damnedest to be good to people and they'll try to be good to you.

But I guess that's too simple. Apparently we need the profit motive, and various hierarchies, and always, always, enemies, to give order and meaning to our lives. Inquisitions, and Crusades, and Reformations, and every manner of Holy War, and converting the heathen before you butcher them, and missionaries and zealots, and being born again, and all that mumbo jumbo. And through it all, these words of Pascal ring true: "Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it for religious convictions."

I began to have suspicions about organized religion when I was 8 and gave up church going for good when I was 12. My mother remained devout. Maybe her faith gave her some solace as she slipped into the deep waters of dementia. I hope so.

Anyway, I'm sure it was all part of God's plan for her. Right? Isn't that what they say, whatever unspeakable tragedy befalls you? AIDS? Part of God's plan. War, famine, plague, cancer, Alzheimer's, the death of a child, etc. Not for us to question, part of God's plan. Holocaust? Part of God's plan. Oh sure, there's evil. The Devil and his many minions. But since an all powerful God is by definition more powerful than them, He still has the final say. Right?

And so we're left with a dilemma. If there is a God, then watching the innocent suffer must be His favorite spectator sport. Damn me to Hell, but I find it hard to feel much for a serial sadist.

The Next Voice You Hear

For some reason, American politics is infested with people who think they can hear God's voice. Maybe we can chalk it up to the fact that we are a young nation and the crazy strand still runs wide and deep in us.

George W. Bush apparently ran the country for 8 years with one ear constantly cocked heavenwards. Theologians now believe that this was necessary to counter balance the voice of Satan, in the form of Dick Cheney, whispering into his other ear. Goodness and light may triumph in the long run, who can really say, but in the case of Simple W. and the Dark Lord I think we can all agree that goodness and light took an ass whipping.

Michele Bachmann claims to be the most recent recipient of God's words o' wisdom. I have nothing to say about this latest, seemingly haphazard, manifestation of the Supreme Ruler of the Cosmos and All That Was, Is and Shall Be, except to note that the Big Man Upstairs has always had a wicked sense of humor.

No good will come from listening to the voices in your head, whatever you suppose their source to be. If you sincerely believe that God is talking to you, do us all a favor and ask a family member or close friend to hide the knives and guns, and make sure to up whatever medication you're on.