TOP SECRET: NSA Phone Intercept. 1.7.24 Moscow Station

(VP Kremlin direct line rings. Recording begins)

VP: Da?

DJT: Boss it's me.

VP: Who is "me"?

DJT: Donald

VP: (silence)

DJT: Your boy. Donald.

VP: I don't, uh, I don't recall any Donalds. You must have wrong number.

( call disconnects)

(VP Kremlin direct line rings)

VP: Hello?

DJT: Boss, we had a deal.

VP: Deal? 

DJT: Yes. Yes deal--

VP: What is this deal you say we had? 

DJT: You know, uh, our deal.

VP: No idea what you're talking about.

DJT: Boss, that's not funny.

VP: You know what's not funny? I will tell you. I put a lot of money into you and all your little friends over there. And what do I have to show for it? I will tell you. I have Ukrainian drones blowing up a lot of my stuff. I have sanctions freezing my money and my friends' money. I have NATO expanding while my armies are contracting, one corpse at a time. All in all I have royal pain in my ass.That's what I have to show for "our" deal.

DJT: But-

VP: I tell you, at this point all I can do for you is send some of my Mama's special tea. Old Russian recipe. Sip to your health.

DJT: But-

VP: Das vedanya.

DJT: (unintelligible)

VP: Bye bye.

(call ends)

(recording ends)

One Last Gift For His Boss

As Donald J. Trump heads for the exit, quickly one hopes, he gives his Russian master one last gift:

Several hundred thousand dead Kurds.

Add that to the weakening of our alliances with our oldest European allies.

And the chaos he's sewn with NATO.

And the open invitation for even more interference with our elections.

And the weakening of sanctions on Russian oligarchs.

And the undermining of American values by the loving embrace of neo-Nazis and various other hate groups, including white supremacists, and fundamentalist Christians.

Whatever the cost to America's prestige, Donald aims to please his boss, Vladimir.

Because Vladimir helped elect him and Donald is nothing if not grateful...and scared shitless about what Vladimir could do to him if he disappoints.

Without Firing A Shot

Time was when the chief strategic problem that we worried about in Europe was what would happen if the Soviet Union sent several tank battalions rushing through the Fulda Gap in Germany.

NATO would respond in force, all hell would break loose, there would be chaos throughout Western Europe, and given the amount of tactical nuclear weapons on the ground, possibly the beginning of the end of life on earth.

Of course, this never happened, except perhaps in the fever dreams of Tom Clancy.

Instead, using a more sophisticated method involving lots of money, women, blackmail, and the latest techniques in media manipulation, the Soviets, now going by the less threatening name "Russia", have managed to unleash chaos throughout the West without firing a shot.

Brexit, and all the other right wing "populist" movements in France, Hungary, and elsewhere that dot the continent like the pox, have been funded completely or in large part by the kleptocracy, founded by an old KGB agent, known as Putin Inc.

And let's not forget Putin's prime lapdog stooge, our own Traitor in Chief, whose empire was kept afloat all of these years by laundered Russian money, his election to the White House helped immeasurably by Russian bots, Russian hackers, even more Russian loot, and a handful of elected Republicans who consider treason a reasonable means to an end.

Turns out this was our Fulda Gap--amoral people who would literally do anything, including selling out their country, to win an election.

Without firing a shot.

Stop Me If You've Heard This One....Part 2

An idiot walks into a NATO summit...

An idiot tries to "fix" health care...

An idiot starts a trade war...

An idiot insults all of our allies...

An idiot kisses up to any dictator who smiles at him...

An idiot separates children from their parents, with no plan for re-uniting them...

An idiot shits all over the Constitution while stuffing his own pockets...

An idiot appoints bunglers, fools, racists, crooks, and corporate whores to help him "run" the government...

An idiot...(fill in the blank)

Everything He Says Is A Lie`

In poker, a game at which the Mission Man is much more accomplished than I will ever be, there's a thing called a "tell".

A usually subtle "give away" that a player may not even be aware that they're doing. A frown, a twitch, a blink, a pursing of the lips....

But a skilled player can take that seemingly insignificant "tell" and figure out how strong the hand you have is.

Donald J. Trump has a "tell".

And it isn't particularly subtle.

In fact, it's really simple. No need for deep analysis.

When he opens his mouth, everything he says is a lie. 

Doesn't matter what the subject is. Could be anything: immigration, foreign policy, the economy, race relations, his big bad Wall, China, North Korea, the European alliance, Russia--especially Russia.

I suppose he can't help himself. He's gotten away with it all of his adult life. Why stop now? Or perhaps he really believes all the bullshit he spews constantly. The end result is the same.

This is the consequence of a life without consequences.

"Republican" Is Now Officially A Synonym For Traitor

And for their 30 pieces of silver (it was probably hundreds of millions if not a couple billion, but since our country is rapidly devolving into a oligarchic theocracy I thought I'd better practice using a biblical reference) the Russians were able to buy themselves an American president!

And his nominal Party, too!

Who says there are no bargains anymore?! You just have to know how to shop...

The most powerful and richest country on the face of the earth is now essentially a vassal state of Russia.

And our so-called President is a puppet of Vladimir Putin. Nice, huh?

And all those Republican "patriots" who wrap themselves in the flag and the Bible at the drop of a hat...where are they now?

Why, they're making excuses for Der Trump, of course! Remember, he's "new at this."

As long as they're free to implement all of their regressive, stupid, and downright cruel policies, Trump can do whatever he wants to dismantle the various alliances of the free world, up to and including handing over state secrets to his boyfriend Vlad.

There's a word for that kind of behavior:

Treason. As practiced by traitors.

Ya Get What Ya Paid For

So, Vlad "The Elector" Putin helped put Donald J. Trump in the White House.

Can we at least agree on that?

Good.

Now, the big question is, what does Vlad expect in return?

I'm betting it's a little more than semi-coherent tweets praising him.

Der Trump has already backed off on supporting the Ukraine.

And his Secretary of State is a decorated hero of the Russian Republic.

Next up?

Well, what about gutting NATO? Vlad would like that. Give him some breathing room.

And dismantling the European Union would certainly help Trump's Russian "friends".

Also, let's be sure to alienate our British allies.

(I'm betting that if you dug deeply enough into the whole Brexit thing you'd find some Russian money and Russian espionage on the pro-Brexit side.)

Frankly, there's no limit to the mayhem Putin's hand puppet might wreak on the world.

Tired of winning yet?

Tips For Foreign Leaders Meeting Trump For The First Time

1. Try not to laugh.

2. Don't expect to understand what he's saying. No one does.

3. Don't panic. That's the way he shakes hands with everyone.

4. Try not to laugh.

5. Just when you think he's done talking, he will start up again on a completely unrelated topic. So don't interrupt.

6. It will seem like time has stopped and you are trapped in some sort of Bizarro Hell. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat.

7. Try not to laugh.

8. Even when he says something that sounds hilarious to you, always remember that he has no sense of humor, and these are not attempts at humor. He is being, in his mind, "Presidential".

9. Please don't stare at his tiny, childlike hands. He's very sensitive about them.

10. Focus on something pleasant. Puppies. Kittens. Ice cream. Puppies and kittens eating ice cream. That sort of thing.

11. Feel free to let your mind wander. His certainly does. Like the song says, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream."

12. Try not to laugh.

Q & A With The President Elect

What are you going to do about immigration?

Build a wall.

How are you going to pay for it?

Make Mexico.

How?

Make America Great Again.

What about all the undocumented workers?

Round 'em up and ship 'em back.

How?

Make America Great Again.

What about taxes?

Cut them.

How does that lower the deficit?

Make America Great Again.

What about wage stagnation and income inequality?

Make America Great Again.

What about the Middle East?

Destroy ISIS.

How?

Secret plan.

Oh?

Make America Great Again.

What about the infrastructure?

Rebuild it. We're a third world country now. Sad.

How are you going to pay for it?

Make America Great Again.

What about China?

Get tough with them.

How?

Make America Great Again.

What about Russia?

Putin is my kind of guy. Strong. Not weak. Strong.

What if he invades the Ukraine and the Baltic countries?

Make America Great Again.