Pestilence

The other day, The Rude Pundit compared Dick "The Dark Lord" Cheney to a cockroach.

As far as I'm concerned, that's an insult to cockroaches everywhere.

They ought to sue for defamation.

Of course, that's just my opinion. And enough about me.

Today's topic is "what kind of political party doesn't have the moral character to denounce a cockroach?"

Honestly, Dick Cheney has been wrong about everything during his entire political career.

At this point, he is nothing more or less than a war criminal. A frightening, frothing, clown, dripping with the blood of innocents.

And yet, whatever ridiculous nonsense he continues to spout, with or without his equally disgusting daughter at his side, not one of the current (or past) Republican presidential candidates has the balls to laugh at him. Indeed, many of them continue to respect and admire him and his "opinions".

Fuck him. Fuck his opinions.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. The GOP is, after all, the home of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Mike Huckabee, Steve King, Trent Franks, Tom Cotton, Ted Cruz, "You Lie!", death panels, "Hell of a job, Brownie", birthers, etc etc etc.

It really isn't a political party anymore.

It's an open air insane asylum, run by its inmates, and funded by a handful of billionaires.

Oh My

Boy, you live long enough and you see all sorts of really strange shit.

Like Chris Hardballs talking to Michele "I don't actually have a functioning brain" Bachmann as if she were some sort of foreign policy expert.

As if anything she could possibly say would have any value--other than comedic.

But it happened!

You can't make something like that up.

If you did, they'd say you were crazy.

Wow.

I also heard another noted talking head saying how "smooth" Marco "Remember To Hydrate" Rubio was.

I don't know where he gets his definitions from, but he must be using a different dictionary than I do.

2014 CPAC Roundup

Uh, let's see...

It was just a bunch of delusional, bigoted, reactionary, halfwit assholes vying with each other to see who could be the most delusional, bigoted, reactionary, halfwit asshole.

All for the entertainment of an audience of delusional, bigoted, reactionary, halfwit assholes.

That's about it. Oh, and God Bless America!

Is Our Children Learning Yet?

It shouldn't be surprising that the Republicans in Arizona are pushing, hard, for more charter schools. Arizona Republicans hate public education, and they will do anything to undermine it.

See, a well funded, functioning, public school system might level the playing field a little, and we couldn't have that, could we?

Also, public school teachers belong to a union, and unions, as every good Arizonan knows, are the Devil's work. So adding a bunch of charter schools, with little or no oversight of course, to suck as much money as they can from the education budget makes perfect sense to them.

No. That's not surprising. Not for the "I've Got Mine, Fuck You" Party.

What should be surprising is that the latest push is coming from the state's Superintendent of Public Instruction, John Huppenthal. You know, the guy that was elected to look after the best interests of our public schools. Oops. Occasionally, the curtain slips, and you get a glimpse of what these people really are all about.

Ha ha ha, the jokes on us! Again.

The last 30 years or so of the Republican Party only begins to make sense when you begin to understand that the entire party, from Ronnie Reagan, through Bush The Elder and Bush The Lesser, the Dark Lord Cheney, Rummy and Rice, Romney, Cruz, Palin, Gohmert, the Tea Party, Bachmann, Santorum, Issa, and all the rest of the festering pile, is an ongoing piece of performance art.

And performance art has nothing to do with good governance.

No. It's all about the show. The wilder the better!

Out with the old, in with the new!

It's been a very frustrating year, that's for sure.

The good? Barack Obama was re-elected, thus sparing us four years of the robotic, elitist Mitt Romney. Now all Obama has to do is develop a spine -- which is by no means certain.

I got to see Bruce again. That alone makes it a better year than most. Thanks to my friend Nancy for the ticket and to all my friends at Greasy Lake with whom I saw the show.

Trent Franks is no longer my congressman. I now have Paul Gosar to represent me. This is not necessarily a major improvement, but almost anyone is better than Trent. (I except Allen West, Michele Bachmann, Steve King, Louis Gohmert, Virginia Fox and a few other crazies from this, but not many. These guys would all be worse than Trent). In the same vein, Jon Kyl is no longer my senator, but Jeff Flake is replacing him and I'm not at all sure that's an improvement.

Now for the bad. One thing stands out this year and it was unfortunately brought home again just a couple of weeks ago -- our nationwide obsession with guns. When the framers wrote the Constitution 225 years ago, I don't think they could have imagined such atrocities as Aurora and Sandy Hook. I have trouble imagining them and I've lived through them. The rest of the world sees this obsession and thinks we have positively lost our collective minds. I agree with them. There is no easier problem for us to fix, yet no less likely problem for us to fix. Mitch McConnell and Grover Norquist will celebrate tax hikes together before the NRA and the other 2nd Amendment nuts will give an inch toward even such common sense steps such as automatic registration, limited capacity on magazines, etc. It really leaves me with very little hope.

With that in mind, here's a song I found going through my head today. It seems fairly apropos, so I hope you all enjoy it.

Happy New Year to all. It really can't be any worse than last year -- can it?

2013 Predictions, or: Right Back Where We Started

Nearly 500 years ago, Nostradamus predicted that I would write this blog entry...

In 2013 we can expect more obstructionist nonsense from those super duper patriots in the Tea Party wing of the Republican nuthouse.

Once again President Obama will bend over backward to accommodate John Boehner in the misguided belief that Boehner can deliver Republican votes in the House. Unfortunately, the Republican House is still comprised of people like Louie Gohmert, Trent Franks, Darrell Issa, Paul Ryan, and Michele Bachmann. So, very little of substance will get done. And Boehner himself may be deposed by yet another empty suit.

We can hope for a ban on assault rifles and large capacity clips--but don't bet the farm on it.

The slaughter of the innocents will continue.

More attention will be paid to the antics of our pop singers and TV and movie stars than is healthy. Bread and circuses to keep the masses placated.

The Bilious, Bullying, Billionaires will continue their attack on Democracy, aided and abetted by most--but not all--of the corporate media--and a majority of the Supreme Court.

Fox "News" will find new ways to lie to the American people. Naturally, the people who listen to Fox will not notice this.

Mitt Romney, pere et fils, will continue to blame everyone and everything for his defeat--except for his own incompetence and his tired, incoherent ideas. But, of course, he didn't really want to be President anyway. So it all worked out well in the end.

The Dark Lord Cheney and his hateful spawn will attack the President for some reason or other.

No one but Fox News will care what the Dark Lord Cheney and his hateful spawn say.

George W. Bush, or Simple W if you prefer, will remain politically insignificant, just a bitter memory from an ugly past.

Chris Christie will start a diet and exercise program to get him in shape to lose to Hillary in 2016.

Arizona's politicians, including our pea brained Governor, Jan "Chuck Tell Me What To Do" Brewer, our criminally negligent lawman, Sheriff Joe "Que Pasa" Arpaio, and our resident foreign policy expert, Senator John "POW" McCain, R-Bitter Old Man,  will continue to provide amusement to the rest of a grateful nation.

No matter who hosts it, the Academy Award show will be too long and tedious to be truly enjoyable.

The lack of good film roles for "women of a certain age (other than La Streep)" will be decried.

Hopefully Peter O'Toole will finish the third volume of his memoir, "Loitering With Intent". I heartily recommend the first two volumes, which are subtitled "The Child" and "The Apprentice",  to anyone who loves acting, theatre, storytelling, or just good, often humorous, writing in a kind of Joycean stream of consciousness style.

Some religious nut will announce that the world will end at a certain time on a certain day. The world will not end, of course. But the nut will still have devoted followers, because there is never a shortage of fruit cakes in America.

Same as it ever was. Same as it ever was.

Mrs. Franklin and I hope you and yours have a safe and Happy New Year's Eve. And that all of your teams cover the spread and your hangover isn't too awful.

Remember to hydrate. Trust me, it helps.

And don't drink and drive. That's a clown move, bro.

Two Bricks Shy Of A Load

Rick "And You Thought Michele Bachmann Was Crazy" Santorum, R-Dark Ages, says the Republican presidential primary contest is a "two man race."

Now, if they could just find two men...

An Open Letter From God Himself to Willard Mitt Romney

Dude, face it, people just don't like you that much! I don't know why.

Of course, being omniscient and all that, I should know why, shouldn't I? Hmmm. I think the problem is that it's such a pervasive, ongoing and obvious thing that I really haven't given it much thought. Some things just are the way they are, you know? The sun goes up, the sun goes down, people think you are a dick.

Anyway, I have a whole cosmos to watch and I'm sorry Mitt, but you aren't even in my Top 10.

However, since you keep asking, I will offer up a couple of educated guesses. Could be the way you switch positions to suit whatever the prevailing mood is. People don't like that. Makes you seem like an opportunistic asshole. Also, try not to be so goddamn condescendingly smug. People don't like that either. Maybe cut back a little on that shit eating grin of yours, too. Trust me, it's creepy.

By the way, I don't think it's because you're a Mormon. Although I have noticed that, except for those wacky Scientologists, folks seem to like their superstitious claptrap to be a few thousand years old at least and the LDS is what, 160 or so? So maybe that is it. But hey, as I always say, believe whatever you want. It's all mumbo jumbo as far as I'm concerned...

Just remember this: if one of you is my child, then you're all my children, and let's leave it at that, OK?

Anyway, try a few of my suggestions and if they don't work, it might be that there's just something about you that inherently pisses people off. It happens sometimes.

Oh, one last thing. Despite what some professional athletes may think, I really can't take sides. It's not allowed. However, the smart money up here is on Obama. Sorry.

Peace, etc,

God

PS when you have a sec, take the private jet to the Big Apple and see The Book of Mormon--it's a hoot!

PPS Nobody gets their own planet.

PPPS if you ever run into Michele Bachmann again, please tell her that those voices she keeps hearing are definitely not me. If she wants I can recommend a couple of good psychiatrists.

Iowa? Really?

You have to keep one thing in mind as you watch the ubiquitous coverage of those salt of the earth Iowans shuffling off to the grange to cast their God given votes for the Republican Tea Party worthy of their choice.

The poor dirt farmers of the Hawkeye State have suffered through years, it seems, of first Paul, then Bachmann, then Perry, then Cain, then Gingrich, then Paul again, then Santorum, and always the multiple faces, Past Present and Future, of Willard Mitt Romney, each doing their own ethical limbo.

They watched in awe as each one bent lower and lower backwards in decrying the meddling big government forced on us all by everybody's favorite Kenyan anti-Colonial Socialist, Barack Hussein Obama.

Solemn, heartfelt promises were made, and if they were all kept, in some imaginary Republican Never Never Land, there would be no goddamned government telling us what to do! No EPA, no FDA, no IRS, no Departments of Education, Commerce, or Energy, no FEMA, and especially NO, absolutely NO Obamacare!

Every attack on the pernicious nature of the federal government was rewarded with grunts of approval, fervent "yeahs!", and sometimes even applause from the good burghers.

Oh, it's been nothing but fun, watching the candidates twist and turn, leap frogging each other in a race to the bottom of the barrel. But now it's time to get down to the real nut crackin'. Time for a little old fashioned small "d" democracy in action! Time to choose your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse!

However, before we get to that, here's the one thing you have to keep in mind: these proudly self-sufficient Iowa Republicans get to share well over a billion dollars a year in federal farming subsidies--and have for many, many years.

They hate the big, nasty federal government...except when it's helping them.

Of course, Iowa is only the first step. Win or lose, it's on to New Hampshire, where the tough, independent, "just leave us alone" Republicans of the Granite State no doubt also hate the big, nasty federal government--until they need it. Then down to South Carolina, y'all, where they're still fighting the Civil War.

It may seem like this party has been going on for far too long, but trust me, the fun is just beginning...

The $60,000 Question

What kind of moron(s) would pay Newt "I'm Not A Lobbyist, I'm a Historian" Gingrich $60,000 to talk about anything?

Furthermore, what kind of morons would then pay the first moron to sit and listen to Newt "Some Moron Just Paid Me $60,000 To Talk to You Morons" Gingrich?

And so the 2012 Tea Party Republican presidential talent show has a new flavor of the month. Of course, he's not "new" and the flavor is putrid, but still...

What the hell is going on here?

Apparently poor Willard Mitt "The Human Weather Vane" Romney is so hated by the Tea Party Republican base that they are willing to grasp at any straw, no matter how covered with manure it may be, to avoid embracing him.

Bachmann, Perry, Cain, and now Newt. A veritable murderer's row of skanky sleaze--yet all in their own way preferable to Willard Mitt "I Create Jobs By Firing People--Ask Me How!" Romney.

Now, how do you suppose that makes Willard Mitt "Just Tell Me What You Want Me To Be And I'll Be It**" Romney feel?

**(Does that make Willard Mitt sound kind of like a whore? The difference is that whores, even cheap ones, at least supply a service.)

Goon Squad

This was going to be a post that examined the timely question: Why do Republicans lie so much?

Is it genetic? Or is it the loving, "family values" based nurturing they all receive?

Is it an inherent part of their profound religious beliefs? Or is it just the easiest way to a big payday from Fox News?

Or could it be that they've gotten away with it for so long, since Reagan at least, that they simply don't recognize the truth anymore? Hmmm.

Clearly these are all questions that deserve long and intense study. But today is my birthday and frankly I just don't have the time for that sort of thing. So instead I'll analyze the 2012 Republican Tea Party presidential candidates.

It occurs to me that what we are really witnessing is a race to see who can be the biggest asshole.

I mean, Christ, look at them! Cain and Bachmann and Willard Mitt and Ricky, and the human cipher, Rick Santorum. And let's not forget Ron Paul--although everyone else has. A day does not pass without at least one of them saying something that is either a bold faced lie, completely inane, clinically insane, or some combination thereof.

I know what you're thinking. "Gosh Mr. Franklin, how can we choose just one?!"

Fortunately there is one candidate whose "assholiness" transcends all the rest. A candidate whose major accomplishment while an elected member of government was shutting down the government, a candidate who made millions of dollars as a lobbyist--and yet insists that he never lobbied anyone, a candidate who calls President Obama an "elitist" while maintaining his own $500,000 credit line at Tiffany's, a candidate with a dime store brain who fancies himself an "intellectual", a candidate who recently floated the idea of doing away with child labor laws, and a candidate who is a known adulterer and yet preaches family values. All this in one person? You betcha!

The list of his credentials is long, but time is short...

Maybe someday scientists will discover a lower form of life than Newt Gingrich, but for the time being we just don't have the technology. As our Spanish friends might say, "Quien es mas de un asshole? Newt es mas de un asshole!"

The Perry Diaries

Dear Diary,
That's it! No more debating for this cowboy. All them words, and rememberin' stuff, and thinkin' and, well, no way Jose as we say in Texas.

Besides, the American people don't want a President that thinks too much. At least the ones that would vote for me don't. I mean look at old Reagan. Hell, he didn't think at all! And they loved him.

If'n you want a lot of thinkin', hell, you must be a Democrat anyway. No, my kind of voters want action, not thought. Enough talkin', I need to get back to doin' what I do best: executin' folks and takin' big checks from corporations. A "Man of Action", that's what I am. Shit howdy!

Dear Diary,
Why don't people like me more? Hell, I'm smarter than W. and better lookin' too. And he was elected President twice. Sort of. Jesus, my wife's better lookin' than old what's her name, too. Why don't Karl Rove like me? I didn't nickname him Turd Blossom. But I gotta admit it suits him to a "T".

Dear Diary,
What's the deal with that colored guy? No, not him, that other one. Cain. And what's all this "9-9-9" crap? Hell, even at A&M we learned enough math to laugh at that horseshit. And yet he's ahead of me in the polls! What's wrong with folks?

I didn't mean nothin' bad with that Nig, uh, "N-word head" stuff. Hell, it's just a place for guys to let off a little steam, drink a few beers, and shoot things. Some people are just too damn sensitive, if you ask me. Always lookin' for race in everything. Jesus! Anyway, I was gonna paint over that sign years ago, but my Mexicans never got around to it. You know how it is with them, "Manana, manana, Senor Rick."

Dear Diary
I miss Sarah Palin. People said she was dumb, but she always made a lot of sense to me. Easy on the eyes, too. Down boy! And anyway, what's more important, lookin' good or thinkin' good? I know the answer to that one!

That Bachmann gal's a pretty nice lookin' lady, too. And her husband seems like a real sweet fella. Sensitive and all. Good dancer, too. What's his name again? Maurice? Somethin' like that. Those Northern guys, I don't know, there's somethin' about 'em. Can't put my finger on it.

Dear Diary,
I'm not a theologian, but I'm pretty damn sure that Jesus wasn't a Mormon! I wish some folks would wake-up to that.

Dear Diary,
OK, new strategerie. I'm gonna do them debates, but I'm not gonna say anythin'. Anybody asks me a question I don't like, I'm just gonna squint at 'em--so it looks like I'm thinkin', then cock my head, sorta smile, and nod. That'll show 'em.

Go Aggies!

Shocked, Shocked! (Redux)

For the last week or so we've been inundated with various pundits announcing that they are shocked--shocked! to discover that Pizza Man Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan would in fact lower taxes on millionaires while raising taxes on the middle and lower classes. Really? They're surprised by this? Really?

Lest we forget, Cain is a Republican. He is also a millionaire. As are Willard Mitt "Do As I Say And Not As I Do" Romney and Rick "Try To Forget All Of The Crazy Things I Say And Gaze Instead At My Beautiful Head Of Hair" Perry. So is Sarah "Material Girl" Palin, who isn't running because she feels that she can best serve the America people by collecting enormous speaking fees from starstruck saps.

Michelle "Yes, I Am This Stupid" Bachmann? Millionaire. Ron "FEMA Is A Bad Idea" Paul? Millionaire. Newt "Lover Boy" Gingrich? Millionaire. Even Rick "For The Love Of God Please Don't Google Santorum" Santorum is a millionaire.

So of course they want to lower taxes on millionaires. They're all millionaires. "Duh!", as the kids say.

I mean really, what would be the point of being President if you couldn't feather your own nest? Leave austerity to the little people. It suits them.

Republicans never govern very well, their "hearts" aren't really in it. Besides, since their cornerstone belief is that "government is the problem" you can't expect them to do a good job for the rest of us. It goes against their very nature.

But give them credit for one thing: they sure know how to look out for their own kind.

Theatre Of The Absurd

In a moment of weakness, I considered watching the Republican's latest "debate". After all, there is a slight chance that one of these "people" might be elected President of the United States. Plus it was in Vegas, and I was wondering how all these self professed stewards of Good Christian Values would deal with the undeniable fact that if you took the sin industries out of Nevada there wouldn't be anything left but that "secret" air force base, a couple of uranium mines, and a handful of Basques tending sheep. And I always enjoy watching a room full of hypocrites grappling with a moral dilemma.

Luckily, good sense grabbed hold of me, and instead I chose to completely ignore the proceedings because, really, what would be the point?

Like the fifth sequel to a terrible movie, every single thing that might be said by one of the "worthy contenders" is entirely predictable.

First the Black Guy would say something stupid. Then the Millionaire Mormon Male Model would say something stupid. Then the Superdooper Christian Corporate Whore from the Republic of Texas would challenge the Mormon male model's stupidity with some down home y'all superdooper stupidity of his own. Then the Batshit Crazy Lady would blurt out something so bizarrely inane that the entire universe would pause for a second to ponder what the fuck she was trying to say. Did I leave anyone out? Oh, of course we can't forget Rick "Please Don't Google Santorum" Santorum, who has his own special brand of desperate loser stupidity to share, if only someone would ask.

This process would then be repeated until our eyes crossed and our ears began to bleed.

The term "Theatre of the Absurd" took root in the years after WWII. The unspeakable horrors of the Holocaust and the Atomic bomb led Samuel Beckett, amongst others, to tackle the fundamental absurdity of living in the shadow of such overpowering nihilism. Becket's Waiting for Godot was like a slap in the face to audiences used to Noel Coward and the well made play.

However, the years rolled past and the societal attacks and musings of Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Beyond the Fringe, Monty Python, Dr. Strangelove, The President's Analyst, and many others have made Godot's compounding absurdities seem almost quaint.

But none of them could have prepared us for the Tea Party Republican Presidential Contenders of 2012.

Listen closely and you'll hear the ghost of Samuel Beckett sigh and say, "OK. You win."

The Triumph Of Mediocrity

John Boehner is a perfect example of a fellow who has risen well above any position he might be capable of mastering. In a well ordered world and with a little luck he might be managing a Dairy Queen or selling used cars. To give him any say in serious matters that involve anything beyond his own immediate family is laughable. There simply isn't enough brain power there to get a complicated job done.

He is not alone in this deficiency. What wisdom can we possibly expect from the likes of Boehner, Eric Cantor, Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan and all of the other ethical and intellectual dwarfs? Do you really want to trust these people with your future and the future of our nation? Really? Well, what about Rick "Life Is A Ponzi Scheme" Perry or Willard Mitt "I Create Jobs By Firing People" Romney? Trust them to save us? Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann? Now we've crossed over into the realm of Pythonesque satire: The Really Loony Party. Ditch the tricorner hats and get some of those beanies with the propellers on top.

The primary goal of the typical Republican politician seems to be to find the backers with the deepest pockets that they can comfortably fit into. This is not a sign of intelligence, or talent, or ethics, or anything of substance. It is certainly not a sign of patriotism.

It is a sign of nothing more than the crassest greed coupled with opportunism and a kind of animal instinct survival-ism. But sadly it is also a sign of the times.

"...It may be true that there's no accounting for taste. But ultimately there must be an accounting for no taste at all. In my lifetime I have witnessed the almost complete triumph of mediocrity. Look around. It's everywhere. Art, politics, literature, business. The lowest common denominator is king. This doesn't seem to bother anyone else, so why should it bother me so much? There used to be giants, you know. It's hard to believe that now, but it's true. Giants. Today I look around and I'm surrounded by an army of pipsqueaks. Pipsqueaks with attitude and a super human sense of entitlement. Hell of a thing."**

(**excerpted from the play Lost Languages, by permission of the author)

You Can't Argue With Crazy

Jon Huntsman seems like a reasonable fellow. Moderately intelligent and with mostly moderate beliefs. There's no way I would ever vote for him, but I'd understand if some of you would. Of course he's got that goofy religion weighing him down, but hell, they all have some form of goofy religion weighing them down. That's the American Way and there's no getting around it.

Too bad Huntsman has chosen to be a member of a party that has gone completely crazy. I mean howling at the moon, rolling around in its own feces, frothing at the mouth, barking mad.

A day doesn't pass without either Michele Bachmann or Rick Perry, the two current darlings of the Republican base, saying something that astounds us all with its slack jawed stupidity. The groundlings eat it up and Fox News roars its approval. No, you just can't be too crazy for the typical Republican voter these days. Global warming? Hoax! Raise taxes on billionaires? Job killer! National Healthcare? Socialism! Medicare and Social Security? Privatize!

Look, there's poor Sarah Palin, filled with envy, feeling left out as the circus rolls past, her nose pressed to the glass of her idling non-campaign bus, as she screams plaintively "What about me? Don't you remember me? I can be just as crazy as they are!" Of course you can, dear.

The sad truth is there's no place left in the GOP for someone who even occasionally recognizes and acknowledges those troubling things called "facts". They really have created their own reality and they will not brook any form of rational dissent.

So, sorry Jon Huntsman, you may well be a sane and honest man, but you've picked the wrong party and the wrong century. Save your breath. You can't argue with crazy. It's pointless.

Faith Debased

Rick Perry? Devout Christian.
Michele Bachmann? Devout Christian.
Rick Santorum? Devout Christian.
Sarah Palin? Devout Christian.
Herman Cain? Devout Christian.
Newt Gingrich? Christian. I guess it depends on what your definition of "devout" is.
Mitt Romney? Devout Mormon. (Some fundamentalists don't think that Mormon's actually are true Christians. Personally, I couldn't care less--but really, who are you going to believe, a bunch of snake handlers, or a good conservative free market businessman who made his millions by buying up companies, stripping off the assets, and then firing everybody in sight? Forget that "cult" stuff, I say Mitt's a True Republican and a Devout Christian.)

I don't know about you, but taken as a group I can't think of a better advertisement for atheism.

Worst Case Scenario

My boy and I went to see the angry monkey movie today and naturally that got me to thinking about our Republican cousins and the 2012 election.

To begin with, we should never underestimate the ability of the American people to do the wrong thing. Exhibit #1: the 2004 Presidential election. I'm sure that some of you believe, as I do, that the 2004 vote in Ohio was rigged. But the point is that the election shouldn't have been close enough for "electronic funny business" in one Midwestern state to have made any difference. After 4 years of Simple W--the Appointee in Chief--and the Dark Lord Cheney, including their Keystone Kops act on September 11th, the resulting bait and switch war in Iraq and, to top it off, replacing a large surplus with a huge deficit, how could more than 60 million people still vote for the Republican ticket? Are they that stupid? Sadly, the answer is "yes".

So let's say up is really down and black is really white and in 2012 the good citizens of the USA elect some lunatic Republican to the highest office in the land. (Next to Grover Norquist's, that is. Oh, that's right, he's never been elected to anything. He's a lobbyist. Strange, isn't it?)

And let's throw in the Senate for good measure. So that means the White House, both houses of Congress, and perhaps most importantly, the Supreme Court, would all be in Republican hands.

Doesn't really matter which Republican either. Sure Bachmann (or Palin or Cain or Perry) might be the craziest of the lot, but when you get right down to it, is there really that much difference between any of them and Romney (or Pawlenty, or Gingrich or, hell, any angry monkey)?

Can you imagine a country run by these people with absolutely no checks and balances?

And you think you're fucked now?! Baby, you don't know what fucked is...

All Haircut, No Cattle

Rick Perry, the governor of Texas, who briefly floated the idea of secession, until someone pointed out to him that without Federal money Texas would resemble one of the poorer states of Mexico, is now flirting with the idea of running for president in 2012.

You may recall that our last experience with having a Texas governor as President of the United States wasn't a particularly happy one. Unless you were a billionaire or a war profiteer, that is. But try to forget that for just a moment, and let's give Mr. P a chance to tell us what he believes in.

He believes that the Federal stimulus was a "$4 trillion rat hole". He's got his numbers wrong, of course. (He is a Republican after all.) And there are a few million people in the auto industry and related fields that might disagree about the usefulness of the stimulus. Here's a fun fact: Rick Perry's own state used Federal money to balance its budget and avoid a financial disaster. But don't bother the "guvnah" with facts, y'all. As any faithful Fox News listener will tell you, using facts is just a cheap liberal trick.

Perry also believes in states' rights. Big surprise there. However, like all truly patriotic, God fearing Republicans, if a state's citizens should decide that they favor gay marriage, or reproductive rights for women, or medical marijuana, then Ricky would favor federal legislation to thwart that state's will. Because Mr. Jesus doesn't want those things and Mr. Jesus trumps everything.

Yes, you guessed it, Rick Perry is a conduit of God, another Christian warrior determined to lead us down the path of righteousness. As he perceives it.

Haven't you heard, America should be a theocracy! That's what the Founders intended. Franklin, Adams, Jefferson, Hamilton, Madison--they all spent their time praying--not thinking.

You might think that having one card carrying Crazy Jesus Club member running would be enough for any political party, but not the Republicans. They may have given up on that "Big Tent" crap, but it's still a wide trough. So Michele Bachmann and all the rest, say hello to Rick Perry!

Pot Meets Kettle

OK, so Michele Bachmann has a really swishy husband. Really swishy. In fact, Marcus Bachmann makes Richard Simmons look dead butch. Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more. But so what? I mean, it's not like the Bachmann's are promoting an anti-gay agenda. That would be hypocritical. Just like it would be wrong to endorse the abolition of the EPA without mentioning that you're in bed with the Koch brothers and all of their polluting, death dealing companies. True patriots don't behave in that duplicitous manner.

And Michele Bachmann is nothing, if not a patriot.