Thank God For Our Hillbillies

Think how advanced we'd be as a people, as a nation, if we hadn't had our hillbillies digging in their heels, and slowing us down every step of the way.

We'd have universal health care, a guaranteed living wage, rational gun control, justice for all-- regardless of skin color, a burgeoning green economy, and equal opportunity for all of our citizens.

But we can't, because our millions of hillbillies want it to be 1856...forever.

And when I say hillbillies, I don't just mean people with a handful of teeth, living in a shack, married to a cousin and eyeing their daughters, somewhere in the Ozarks or the Appalachians.

No, I have it on very good authority that there are hillbillies throughout this great land of ours. In our Congress, in very expensive condos in NYC, in well guarded mansions in Silicon Valley, in state houses and judges' chambers across the land, hell, even in the White House!

Welcome To The Republican's Big Tent!

Hello!

Person of color? Gosh, how did you get in here? I mean, are you sure this is where you want to be? Really?

Billionaire? Thanks for coming! That big table up front is reserved just for you!

Female? In the back, please.

Gay? "Closeted" or "out"? "Closeted" sit near the front. "Out" please get to the back, by the women.

Idiot? We certainly need as many of you as we can get!  The more the merrier, in fact! But don't sit too near the billionaires. It bothers them. They're very sensitive.

Homophobe? See those idiots over there? That's right. Sit with them.

Rapist? Hmmm. Who did you rape, male or female? Female? Over here. Male? Uh, gee. Over there I guess. With the clergy.

Criminal? White collar? Sit near the billionaires. Other crimes? Wherever there's an open seat. Remember to mingle.

Racist? Sit wherever you want! That goes for you, too, gun nuts and fundamentalists.

But please save some seats for our Russian friends. After all, they paid for most of this.

Hold On A Minute

We did not become the richest and most powerful nation on earth by being regressive, reactionary, know nothings.

We did it (gasp) by being progressive.

By embracing The New. By embracing Change. By embracing Progress.

Not at first, of course. And certainly not all at once.

But eventually, having exhausted all other possibilities, we usually do the right thing.

Despite all of our flaws, and yes there are a few, Americans are generally an optimistic, progressive people.

Oh, not all of us.

Some of us remain dumb as a post.

And that's the problem: we've been cutting way too much slack for our stupider citizens.

The supposedly "liberal" media sat back and let the Limbaughs, Drudges, Breitbarts, and Fox News' folks of the world get away with lying for too long.

Yes, everybody is entitled to their own opinions. But not to their own imaginary "facts".

And sometimes stupid people need their stupidity pointed out to them, loudly and repeatedly.

Because if you don't, they start to believe all the crap they hear from their "fair and balanced" sources.

And stupid just gets stupider...

I'll Leave A Light On

Did you know that Jesus is coming soon?

Yeah, me neither.

But according to noted theologian, and Duck Dynasty guy, Willie Robertson, He is.

So it must be true.

Because if you can't believe reality TV faux hillbillies who can you believe?

This is America, dammit!

Robertson bases his predictions about the J man's imminent return on the coming release of a Nick Cage movie. Just like the Council of Nicaea did.

The flick, called  Left Behind, is yet another of those Rapture movies that simple minded hicks can't seem to get enough of. It's like crack for them. Or maybe Oxycontin...

If you'll recall, a while back, Robertson, channeling the spirit of Jesus, and charitable, open-hearted, God is Love, Conservative Christians everywhere, had some truly enlightened things to say about gays.

This raises an interesting theological question: What happens if a gay Christian is "enRaptured" (so to speak)? Does He spit him or her back? Or does some sort of super duper conversion therapy happen on the trip up to Heaven?

Well, Willie, what about it? You're the expert, after all.

"Threatened"

The latest bullshit excuse from Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer to explain her community theatre histrionics on the tarmac is that she felt "threatened" by President Obama.

Personally, as a longtime resident of Arizona, I feel threatened by having a semi-literate, barely functioning moron for a Governor, a legislature controlled by rabid, retarded hillbillies, a county sheriff who is himself a criminal, and a brain dead, gun lovin', pecker-wood populace that keeps electing all of the above.

That's what I feel "threatened" by.

Worthless

The other day, The Arizona Republic endorsed Wes Gullett over Greg Stanton for Mayor of Phoenix. This did not come as a surprise. The Republic has a long and distinguished history of supporting the worst possible candidate. One fondly recalls Little Ben Quayle and Jan Brewer and Trent Franks and Rick Renzi and--well, the list is long and life is short. Suffice it to say Wes Gullett fits right in.

Gullett has been a GOP hack off and on for many years now. At one time or another both John "Maverick" McCain and J. Fife "They Should Have Known I was Lying On My Financial Statements" Symington have signed his paychecks. Quite a resume, huh? But mostly he's been a lobbyist.

A lobbyist is someone who scuttles around the the darker corners of our statehouses carrying large sacks of money. They ply politicians with lunches, or tickets to ball games, or just plain cash. Like the vast majority of the Wall Street Gang, most of them do nothing to make things better for the rest of us. They certainly do not have our best interests in mind. That isn't the point. Influence and power are the points. Lobbyists buy influence and power, which I might add in Arizona are surprisingly cheap, and the public good be damned. They are, in essence, purveyors of anti-democracy.

To repeat, Wes Gullett is a lobbyist.

The Republic called Gullett "right for these times." If I thought anybody down there had a sense of humor, I'd say they were being sarcastic. Alas. They think he'll be more likely to rein in the unionized city worker's benefits than Stanton. If you really believe that the benefit package of city workers is the most pressing issue facing the city then you are just as stupid as the Republic's editorial board, and you probably should vote for Gullett.

The paper also supports Gullett's goal of "leveraging city investments" (I think this means trying to privatize whatever he can get his clammy little hands on) and "getting government out of the way" of business. Sigh. Maybe someday the desert hillbillies will wake up and realize that electing people to govern you that don't believe in government is just plain dumb. Maybe not.

To repeat once again, Wes Gullett is a lobbyist. As such he has spent most of his professional life acting on the belief that government's only true purpose is to enrich his friends.

**In the interest of full disclosure, I once sat next to Greg Stanton at a banquet of some sort. To be honest I can't remember a single interesting thing he said. At the time I wasn't overly impressed. However, compared to Wes Gullett, Greg Stanton is a combination of Franklin Roosevelt, Thomas Jefferson and Mark Twain.

Oh, I See

Having just watched the most inept half of allegedly professional football I think I have ever seen--how 'bout that high powered Cardinal offense!--I pause to turn my attention to today's news.

There are times in life when the veil is lifted from our eyes and we see things clearly at last. The Arizona Republic, which is the final word for all things concerning Phoenix, the 6th largest city in the US and a well known hot bed of conservatism, free market capitalism, personal freedom, rugged individualism, and just dad-burned God loving, Get the Damn Government Off My Back Americanism, has an interesting story in its Sunday edition.

The Republic tells us that the state is suffering from a glut of doctors who over prescribe narcotics. That's right. A whole bunch of guys and gals who were absent the day they went over the Hippocratic Oath at Med school have been handing out prescriptions for "oxy" this and "perco" that and all other manner of legally mind altering substances. Lots of prescriptions. Lots and lots. I guess the idea is that "a stoned public is a happy public." Or at least a docile public. (It probably sounded better in the original Latin.)

All this time I thought the problem with our state was that it was overrun with a bunch of ignorant, bigoted, hateful, racist, Hillbillies. Turns out I was wrong. The problem isn't ignorant, bigoted, hateful, racist, Hillbillies. It's ignorant, bigoted, hateful, racist, stoned Hillbillies.

I stand corrected.

At Least He's Consistent

The sun rises. The sun sets. The tides go in and out. And Rush Limbaugh makes a racially tinged remark about President Obama. Ho hum. Just another day on planet earth.

Say what you want about that mendacious, pustular, bloated bag of noxious fumes, but lil' Rushie sure knows his audience. And ain't no uppity colored going to put one over on the retarded hillbillies as long as Rush is there to warm 'em! No sir, no way!

I'm sorry, did I say "retarded"? I meant intellectually challenged.

"Only in America", as Don King--yet another charlatan grifter--but of a slightly different sort--used to say, could a malicious, sneering, drug addicted buffoon make many millions of dollars a year by appealing to the basest instincts of a bunch of stupid, fearful, sexist, racist, homophobic, hateful, morons.

Welcome to the funhouse

About a year ago, I was holed up in a foreign land, far far away, waiting to see if the Icelandic volcano would leave me stranded,and the only news of Arizona I could find was in USA Today, which is, let's face it, just barely a newspaper. And what news was it that I found? Why SB1070 of course! I sat there, in the disarray of my hotel room, thinking 'well, you really can't put a price tag on that kind of advertising, can you?' I mean here we are, in the worst recession in 80 years, in a state that depends on tourism for a large part of its economy, and we announce to the rest of the world that if you come to Arizona, and look or act suspiciously foreign (i.e. non-white), you might just end up in jail. And today, a year later, I can happily announce that nothing has changed. The reason for this is simple: Arizona is at heart a southern state and it is run, for the most part, by a gang of angry, stunted hillbillies. Now, hillbillies can be very entertaining. I'm thinking of the first part of Deliverance or the delightful antics of Jed, Jethro, and Granny. But you really shouldn't let them govern you, because, well, they're hillbillies. And they're still re-fighting the Civil War every chance they get, in the hopes that someday they might win.

Every story needs a villain, and so let's blame the Mexicans, their 'liberal' enablers, the Federal government in general, and Barack Obama in particular, for every problem Arizona has. Forget for a moment that the Republicans have controlled the state government for the last 30 years or so. Forget that they've cut taxes to the bone already, which increased the state's deficit and still didn't attract business. Forget that without tons of Federal aid there wouldn't be a modern Arizona as we know it. (Try imaging the place without the Salt River Project, the CAP, the interstate highway system, and all those military bases pumping billions of dollar into the local economy. Pretty bleak, huh?) (Also forget that if your state takes in more Federal aid than it pays in Federal taxes you are benefiting from a form of, yikes, SOCIALISM!!!) Forget that we're in a race to the bottom in education and health care, and that someday soon, the old punchline "thank God for Mississippi", as in "we would be last in a lot of quality of life categories--except that Mississippi is always worse", will be replaced by "thank God for Arizona." No, it's easier to just say "it's all the Mexican's fault--build the dang fence."

Well that's enough for today. I'll leave you with one last thought: anybody who thinks Ronald Reagan was a great president, let alone the greatest president, is either a moron or a defense contractor.