"Never Give A Sucker An Even Break...

...Never smarten up a chump."

These very wise words were attributed to the great WC Fields, and through the years they have come in handy in many situations.

Today they are especially applicable to the entertaining saga of the Phoenix Coyotes vs the City of Glendale.

Apparently, there is still enough money floating around Glendale that the city can guarantee the hockey team millions each year.

Hooray, I say. Hooray! Besides, it's only money.

One of the ways the City of Glendale is exploring to cover up the growing gap in its finances that was caused almost entirely by the grand sports' schemes of the former Mayor Elaine Scruggs and her team of enabling halfwits--sorry, her friends on the city council is what I meant to say--is to sell some government buildings and then lease them back.

You might think this is a very stupid idea. But that just shows how little you understand about how government in Arizona works.

You might also think that, in regards to the city's involvement with the Coyotes, they should walk away from a bad deal, and not throw good money after bad. Oh, silly you!

Finally, you might wonder how a business that only guarantees an event on 11% of the available nights in a given year could be so important to the success of anything.

Asking questions like these just shows that you are simply not qualified to represent the good folks of Glendale, Arizona.

You see, out here in the untamed West, we believe that a city should be judged by its professional sports teams, and not, say,  by the quality of its schools, or public services, or arts, or the way it takes care of the least of its citizens, or even whether it actually owns its own Townhall.

No, the best way to measure cities is by how much money they can piss away on a mediocre hockey team before they've had enough.

And obviously, Glendale hasn't reached that breaking point yet...

The decision to throw even more money at the Coyotes was met with applause by the many fans who attended the city council vote. These happy hockey lovers then got in their cars and drove back to Mesa, or Gilbert, or Tempe, or Chandler, or Scottsdale, or Phoenix. Somewhere--anywhere--far, far away from the smoldering wreckage that is Glendale.

WC Fields was a very talented man. But I'm sure he never thought of himself as a visionary political theorist.

The Lord's Day

This being the Lord's day, naturally my thoughts turn to professional sports. And since, like all American males, I am an expert on all the sports that really matter, I herewith offer some expert advice and/or expert solutions to a few sports related issues:

First of all, if Darrell Issa wants to investigate something important he should look into the ridiculous number of free throws the Oklahoma Thunder get to shoot at home. Of all the major sports, basketball has the most inconsistent officiating, and it almost always tilts toward the home team.

Secondly, if Tiger Woods wants to return to the level he was at before his, uh, marital problems, he should start playing tournaments every week. The, 'oh I think I'll just play the occasional tournament here and there and then practice for the Majors' routine isn't working anymore. Eldrick, and I say this as someone who really enjoyed watching you dominate the PGA for the last decade or so, get back into the grind and maybe you'll find some sort of consistency in your game.

Thirdly, it should be a law that the roof of Chase Field stays open for every night game, and every day game when the temperature is under 100. Otherwise it's like watching a ballgame in a great, big, ugly warehouse. And while we're at it, let's get rid of that Baxter abomination, too.

Finally, every professional team should have to pay a fixed amount into its league's building fund every year. Then we wouldn't have to witness the seemingly annual spectacle of "If the city of (fill in the blank) doesn't build us a new stadium (arena, ballpark), then the (pick your favorite team) will be forced to move to (somewhere)." You might think that billionaires would be ashamed to ask for a municipal handout, especially in times like these. You would be wrong. So let's demand that each major league fully pay for it's own venues and take the potential for extortion off the table.