The Voice Inside Jeb Bush's Head

"Why am I doing this? I hate this. They told me it would be easy. They told me it would be a slam dunk. We nominate you. You win the general. We're back in business! All that gerrymandering. All those rigged voting machines. Jeb, it's in the bag! It's in the bag. That's what they said.

Now, here I am. Behind three clowns. No. Four clowns. Jesus Christ. Who am I ahead of? Anybody?

And I have to ask my goddamn big brother, who is, let's face it, an idiot, to help me. Because why? Because people like him? Like him? Do any of you morons remember the glorious W years? Any of you? I say this with all the brotherly love I can muster. My big bro is an epic fuck-up. Sometimes I really regret stealing Florida for him in 2000. Because he fucking poisoned the well for me. He and Cheney.

But now, I'm married to him. I have to pretend the Iraq War was a great idea. I have to pretend that somebody else was President on 9-11. Is it any wonder I don't seem too enthused? Is it any wonder I don't have that 'fire in the belly'? Remember 'Mission Accomplished'? Try dragging that around with you. Yup, that's my brother's gift to me.

And my Mom. 'We've had enough Bushes.' Thanks Ma. Thanks loads. That was a great way to kick off my campaign. Good to know where I rate in this family.

Four clowns. Trump, Cruz, that ungrateful little prick Rubio, and the black guy. Sleepytime. What's his name? Carson? Supposed to be a doctor or something. Fuck.

So here I am down in Dixie, begging a bunch of inbred mouth breathers who are still whining about the Civil War to please, please, vote for me, y'all.

OK. We'll let it play out. There's still a few million bucks to blow through, after all. And if the good voters of the Republican Party decide they want that gasbag Trump, that oily serpent Cruz, or those other guys more than me, then fine. Just fine.

Why am I doing this? I hate this."

Repeat After Me, "The Saudis Are Not Our Friends"

You know, it's funny, but most of the 9-11 hijackers were from Saudi Arabia.

Not Iraq or Iran or Syria or Pakistan or even Afghanistan.

Saudi Arabia.

And yet, in the days after the twin towers fell, the Bush administration let plane loads of Saudis fly home without a second thought.

Hell, there's even pictures of W holding hands with a Saudi prince....I believe the one they call Bandar Bush.

Indeed, the Bush family has done business with the Saudis for years.

Maybe that's why W was so quick to say we weren't at war with Islam and that Islam was a religion of peace--because that's what the Saudis told him to say.

And after all, they're our allies.

Meanwhile, those "peaceful" Saudis continue to fund the most extreme madrassahs and the most anti-American Imans they can find.

Reportedly including al-Qaeda and ISIS/ISIL/Daesh.

How fucking stupid are we?

Oh, I know they buy billions of dollars of fighter planes and shit, but come on...

This is all about oil, right?

So, take their fucking oil. "Neutralize" them. And be done with it.

I don't want to sound like a Republican, but one more American life is not worth all the Saudis there ever were or ever will be.

By A Thousand Cuts

Will ISIS, or ISIL or Daesh or whatever the fuck they're called, manage to carry out an attack in the US?

I don't know.

Trump can bluster, Lindsey Graham can clutch his pearls, Bill Kristol can call for a million troop deployment, John McCain can scream "I told you so!", Jeb "The Smart One Is A Relative Term" Bush can do whatever it is he does, Ted Cruz can act dead butch, and all the Fox News puppets and panderers can froth at the mouth about Obama's "weakness/incompetence".

None of them know either.

(Although it does seem like many of them would welcome it, if only to finally put that uppity negro is his place.)

I do know that from what I've read 9-11, which got us into this particular mess,  could have been prevented if we hadn't had a smirking frat boy simpleton and a slathering oil whore chickenhawk running things...

I also know that at some point in the not too distant future a white male psychopath, armed to the teeth thanks to our Supreme Court's interpretation of the Second Amendment and our esteemed Congress's fear of the NRA, and nursing some sort of grievance against "them", will shoot up an American school, or movie theatre, or shopping mall, or.....

That is indisputable.

Now, which do you think is more likely to happen first?

Oh, one more thing that is indisputable. If the crazy nihilist Muslims are here, it won't be very hard for them to get all the guns they want.

So, how's this for a campaign slogan:

"ISIS and the Republican Party: Working Together To Keep Americans Scared"

Remember When...

Remember when the Mexicans shipped all of those American manufacturing jobs to Asia?

And the poor billionaires who owned the companies were powerless against them?

Wasn't that something?

And remember, well before that, when those wily Mexicans sneaked up here, uninvited, and stole all those high paying fruit and vegetable picking, and lawn mowing jobs from good, honest Americans? Right under the noses of the farmers and growers who tried to stop them--but just couldn't?

Remember when the gays started their all out attack on the Middle Class back in the 80's?

Busting unions and driving down wages?

And that legendary conservative icon, Saint Ronald Reagan, attempted to prevent it, but was undermined by Hollywood and the Mainstream Media?

Remember when all those raging socialist bankers helped minority homeowners crash the entire world's economy?

Goddam Marxists!

Remember when the godless liberals started forcing women to have abortions? At gunpoint?

Grabbing them off the streets, and shoving them into the bloody hands of those butchers at Planned Parenthood?

Remember when the Clintons let the Iraqi's crash those planes into the World Trade Center?

If only George W. Bush and Dick Cheney had been in charge!

And finally, remember way back, centuries ago in fact, when all those "illegal immigrants" from Africa stormed our shores, and the good Christian people of the South took them in and gave them housing and jobs?

Boy, they never had it so good! And look at the way they thank us! Ingrates.
 
It's hard to keep track of all that stuff.

Thank God Fox News keeps me informed.

Welcome To The George W. Bush Presidential Library; Please Switch Off Your Brains

They opened up the George W. Bush Presidential Library the other day.

Is this a great country, or what?

Here's a guy who was without question a total disaster as President. And believe me, having lived through Nixon, Reagan, and Bush the Elder, I have a fairly high threshold for disasters.

But Simple W. set the bar at a level that one hopes will never be approached again. Let us count the ways:

Asleep at the switch for 9-11 whilst cuddling up with his Saudi soul mates; dropped the ball on Bin Laden's pursuit at Tora Bora at the same time his administration was legitimizing torture; bait and switch war in Iraq that cost us more than a trillion dollars, not to mention all the death, dismemberment, and PTSD; turned a budget surplus into a huge deficit with his tax cuts; watched Wall Street run wild because he believed in the beauty of the unregulated "free market"; half-assed response to Katrina; wanted to privatize Social Security; shit all over the Constitution every chance he got..Jesus, the list goes on and on, but I'm starting to have flashbacks...

So anyway, because it's de rigueur for former Presidents, Incurious George gets himself a library. Keep in mind, this is a fella who probably hasn't read anything since My Pet Goat and very little before.

Now, there's a very good reason for this: Books are sometimes filled with facts, and facts can get messy. And since Bush's administration decided early on that they would create their own reality, it is only natural that the George W. Bush Presidential Library would be dedicated to the completely counter factual narrative that Bush was a great leader, a great President, and a great American.

Shortly after Obama was elected the first time, a billboard appeared by the highway in the desert near Yuma, Arizona. It featured  the beaming face of George W. Bush and the words "Do You Miss Me Yet?"

Of course the only sane answer to that would be "No, no we don't. Not now, not ever."

Fortunately for W. (and the Bush family in general), the American people have a tremendous capacity to forgive, but an even greater capacity to forget.

What's in A Name?

Last week, they unveiled portraits of George W. Bush and his fawning wife, what's-her-name, at the White House. Simple W. cracked a few jokes, smirked his frat boy smirk, and it was just like old times...

Brought back a lot of memories: Florida 2000, fat Jeb, the Supreme Court shitting all over the Constitution, 9-11, turning a surplus into a deficit, Iraq, Osama Bin Laden alive and kicking, tax cuts for the richest, W. looking like a chimp in a flight suit, "mission accomplished", Katrina, rendition, Rummy, Condi, Wall Street's meltdown, Halliburton, Blackwater, the Dark Lord Cheney's fetching sneer--ah Jesus, the list is endless...

Which reminds me, Bush's nickname for Karl Rove is "turd blossom".

Rove is also widely known as "Bush's brain".

Ergo, George W. Bush has shit for brains.

Same As It Ever Was

In this season of joy and rebirth (you know, the Winter solstice and all that jazz that predates Christianity by a few thousand years), it's important to remember who we hate.

We hate socialists. They advocate sharing the wealth. They give healthcare to all. They favor the weakest over the strongest. You know, like Jesus. We hate socialism--and you better keep your goddamn socialist hands off my Social Security and Medicare!

We hate the poor. They're a drag, a well known drag. And there are so many more of them than there used to be! Let's ignore them and maybe they'll go away.

We especially hate Islamo-fascists. Except for the Saudi's. Because they do business with the Bush family. So, even though they comprised most of the 9-11 hijackers, and even though their society is stuck somewhere in the Middle Ages, and even though they are totally, violently, anti-democracy and anti-equality, and even though their money funds radical, fundamentalist, "Hate The West" madrassas all around the world, the Saudi's are our friends. Just ask the Bush family and their business partners.

But most of all, we hate liberal progressives. We've hated them all the way back to the Enlightenment. What a bunch of busy-bodies! We were much happier as illiterate peasants, shackled by a lack of education, blinded by religious superstitions, picking through the filth, hoping the lord of the manor wouldn't take our daughters for his pleasure, our sons for his wars, and all of our food for his table--but completely powerless if he did. "Keep us stoopid!" is our proud motto.

Other Things George W. Bush Should Get Credit For

There's been an uproar on the Right ever since Obama whacked Osama. Seems like they think W. should get the lion's share of the credit--not Barack. My favorite argument is the "don't you see, by ignoring him, W. tricked Bin Laden into a false sense of security." Wow, the master strategerist strikes again!

Seriously, why quibble over the death of Osama Bin Laden when there are so many other things Simple W. should get credit for:

Taking a huge budgetary surplus and turning it into an even huger deficit. Because Republicans are so much more fiscally responsible than Democrats.

September 11, 2001. Because he was busy doing other, more important things, and because he thought his people were so much smarter than the Clinton people, he felt free to ignore all of the warning signs. Oops. Then after the horrors of that day, he let a bunch of Bin Laden's relatives fly home from the US because, well, they couldn't possibly know anything about what Osama was up to, right? Besides, they're Saudi's and the Bush family has very close business ties to the Saudi's.

The debacle in Iraq. He ignored the fact that Bin Laden was trapped in Afghanistan and began planning the invasion of Iraq. He repeatedly lied about the justifications for this. And then he wore that bitchin' flight suit and strutted around under that big Mission Accomplished banner. Sweet.

Pissing trillions of dollars away on a war we did not need to fight, while refusing to raise taxes to pay for it.

Legalizing torture.

Allowing John Kerry, a decorated veteran, to be smeared by his supporters, while he, who apparently spent a great deal of time AWOL from a cushy National Guard posting, sat by silently smirking that frat boy smirk of his.

His half-assed response to Hurricane Katrina and the destruction of New Orleans. Because that's what compassionate conservatism is all about: the appearance of caring, not actually caring.

And last but not least, the financial meltdown of the whole world. The Decider understood that those pesky safeguards and regulations only hobbled the entrepreneurial spirit. He knew in his heart that you just have to have a little faith in Wall Street and the free market and everything will be okay. Besides, big numbers is confusing!

All in all it was a very busy 8 years for Simple W., and we must never forget who should get the credit for everything he wrought.