My Favorite Time Of Year

I think this may be my favorite time of year.

Baseball is getting down to the nut cracking, the weather has heated up enough to send most of the Phoenix snowbirds back to wherever they came from (less awful drivers to deal with--although there are still more than enough full time residents who don't have a fucking clue), and, (this is what makes it really special), hurricane and tornado season is in full bloom

This means that soon we will hear the desperate pleadings of all the anti-government yahoos that live in hellholes like Tornado Alley, the redder parts of Texas, and the entire state of Florida, desperately begging for FEMA to save their asses.

You know who I'm talking about. The "I don't want to pay taxes to support no goddamn safety net for welfare queens, I want the gubmint off my back, no one ever helped me, blah blah blah" crowd. The kind of folks who vote for the likes of Ron DeSantis, Greg Abbott, Kevin Stitt, etc etc etc.

And, since almost every Red State contributes less to the U.S. Treasury than they take out, it will be the Blue States that rescue them. 

Again.

They will gladly take the Big Government help --and the money--all while ignoring where it comes from and fervently denying Climate Change exists.

It's a beautiful thing.

Random Thoughts On A Lovely Autumn Day

Why does Tucker Carlson always look constipated? Hasn't he heard about laxatives? Or is just that he's so constantly, totally, full of shit that nothing will help?

Republicans don't want to do away with racism. They want to do away with teaching about racism. And that will make it all better.

It's a shame that Don the Builder couldn't get any infrastructure bills passed in 4 very long years. Imagine all of the Mob concrete and Polish scab laborers he could've used. #SAD.

A note to all of the anti-masker/anti-vaxxers who like to confront people: sooner or later you're going to pick on the wrong person and you're going to get seriously hurt or maybe even killed. Hopefully someone will be on hand to film it.

In a just world, the next Republican to quote Martin Luther King Jr. would burst into flames.

Is it really such a tragedy that the vast majority of people now dying from CoVid are Red State Loons? Is it?

What kind of people keep re-electing Paul Gosar? What has he ever done for his district? What legislation has he proposed to help Arizona, let alone the country? He's an idiot, a racist, a liar, and, most importantly, a traitor. I can only assume that his supporters have all of those characteristics as well.

Why some professional athletes, who have without a doubt been injected with all sorts of goodies by team doctors, for pain, for healing, for performance, should now balk at a simple poke in the arm to keep them and those around them safe from a deadly disease, is one of the great mysteries of the modern world.

There is no cure for stupid. And when you mix it with ego, it can be deadly.

It's Just That Easy!

Inspired by current events, I have taken my Sharpie and added a bunch of zeroes to our checking account balance.

We are now Trillionaires.

I have also changed the year of our births so that Mrs. Franklin and I are now, and will always be, 39. If it's good enough for Jack Benny, it's good enough for us.

In addition, young B. Franklin Jr. is 6'8", with a 45 inch vertical, and has signed to play with the San Antonio Spurs. Go Spurs Go.

Next I will alter the Electoral College count from 2016 and this nightmare will finally be over.

I may also get rid of some of our more backward, I mean RED, states.

It's just that easy!

Welcome To The Republican's Big Tent!

Hello!

Person of color? Gosh, how did you get in here? I mean, are you sure this is where you want to be? Really?

Billionaire? Thanks for coming! That big table up front is reserved just for you!

Female? In the back, please.

Gay? "Closeted" or "out"? "Closeted" sit near the front. "Out" please get to the back, by the women.

Idiot? We certainly need as many of you as we can get!  The more the merrier, in fact! But don't sit too near the billionaires. It bothers them. They're very sensitive.

Homophobe? See those idiots over there? That's right. Sit with them.

Rapist? Hmmm. Who did you rape, male or female? Female? Over here. Male? Uh, gee. Over there I guess. With the clergy.

Criminal? White collar? Sit near the billionaires. Other crimes? Wherever there's an open seat. Remember to mingle.

Racist? Sit wherever you want! That goes for you, too, gun nuts and fundamentalists.

But please save some seats for our Russian friends. After all, they paid for most of this.

Clarifying The Situation

Personally, I think it's great when a state codifies its prejudices and/or general stupidity. For one thing, it removes all doubt about what vermin they have as their governor and in their legislatures.

And that's a good thing!

Because now, when they pretend that they aren't bigoted, phony Christian, science denying, gerrymandering, vote suppressing, homophobic, misogynistic, sociopathic assholes, we can say, "hey, but you made this law, which clearly indicates that you are!"

Ha ha ha.

Not that it will matter to the idiots that elected them, but still...

So go Indiana! Go Arizona! Go Arkansas! Go Texas! Go Florida! Go Mississippi! Go North Carolina! Go South Carolina! Go Oklahoma! Go Kansas!

Hmmm, I see a definite pattern here...

A Civics Test

I never would have guessed that the most pressing issue facing the great state of Arizona was insuring that our high school seniors couldn't graduate unless they passed a civics test.

But it must have been, because that's the first thing that ol Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone?" Ducey and the big brains down at the state legislature did.

Now, to guarantee that this isn't just another of those Red State Bullshit Approach To Education* things, like, say, teaching that "creationism" is as valid as evolution, or that slavery wasn't such a bad thing after all, and that it won't make the great state of Arizona a national laughing stock--yet again--we should insist that the following passage be included in all instruction materials provided to Civics teachers statewide:

How A Bill Becomes A Law: first, the lobbyists representing some rich guy are informed by the rich guy's lawyers that a new way to fuck over people and loot the public treasury has been discovered! Then, after the lawyers and lobbyists have carefully crafted a bill that will allow the rich guy to fuck over people and loot the public treasury in this new way, this bill is presented to one of our trustworthy lawmakers, who has been carefully selected for his ability to say insanely absurd things with a straight face. The legislator then happily presents it to the legislature, while pretending to be its author. Then the rich guy's lobbyists wine and dine, et cetera,  and so on**, enough other legislators to pass the bill. Finally, the Governor, who has been anxiously waiting, carefully tucked in the rich guy's pocket with pen in hand, happily signs the bill into law!

*Red State Bullshit Approach To Education is a registered trademark of the Republican Party. Any unlawful use will be punished to the full extent of all applicable laws

**"Et cetera, and so on" are understood to include tickets to the Big Game or the Big Show, vacations, the ever popular "large donation to your next election campaign", and in some special cases, simple brown paper bags full of small bills with non-sequential serial numbers.

Maybe Someday...

Maybe someday...

The hillbillies will realize that they're being played for saps by the billionaires who've bankrolled the Tea Party.

People will wake up to the indisputable truth that "socialized" medicine is cheaper and more effective than the nonsensical system we have.

Poor whites will figure out that the poor blacks and the poor browns aren't their enemies.

American businesses will remember that it was a growing, vital middle class that made our economy the envy of the world.

Red State voters will begin to wonder if there's some correlation between not funding public education and being really, really stupid.

Men will awaken to the fact that women should have the fundamental right to control their reproductive systems.

Folks will read all of the Second Amendment and learn that, contrary to what the NRA says, it does not give carte blanche to gun owners.

Every American citizen will ask themselves why the Koch brothers, and like minded billionaire scum, don't want us to have access to affordable health care, or unions, or protection against corporations, or an EPA, or...

Grover Norquist, Wayne La Pierre, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, Louie Gohmert, Steve King, Rand Paul, all of the Fox "News" kids, and everyone else who spreads lies, bile, and hatred to make a buck, will be kicked to the curb, and/or laughed into irrelevance. Then they can all go off to Clown College, where they really belong.

Maybe someday....but don't hold your breath.

A Glimpse At The Future, or: Ayn Rand Thinks You're A Pussy

OK, so a very big storm hits once again, but this time there is no FEMA because President Romney and Vice-President Ryan are sure that disaster relief is something the states should handle on their own...

You know, states like Alabama and Mississippi and Louisiana and the Carolinas and Georgia. Because they always do such a great job looking after the welfare of their citizens...Uh huh.

Good, solid, God fearin' Red States. Don't want no federal gubmint meddlin' in our affairs. Certainly don't want no black man in the White House, unless he's servin' the white folks.The South shall rise again, y'all!

So good luck to you, you hateful, halfwit, racist hillbillies.

And, while you're picking through what's left of the double wide, looking for your Heroes of the Confederacy Commemorative Coasters, you can suck on this:

Paul Ryan believes in that Ayn Rand bullshit that you're on your own and make the most of it. A small amount of cream will rise to the top, the rest will fall by the wayside. That's life! I got mine, Fuck You!

And Willard Mitt Romney believes that churches should provide all that is needed. Of course, his church only takes care of members in good standing of his church. So, swallow your pride, get a lobotomy, and join the Church of Latter Day Saints. They'd love to have you!

[By the way, this big 'ol, badass storm has absolutely nothing to do with global warming, because as we all know, global warming is just another liberal plot designed to hurt the oil and coal companies. Why do they hate America so much?]