I'm Beginning To Doubt The Value Of An Ivy League Education

Herein follows an incomplete list of Ivy League graduates that have recently served, or are currently serving, in our government:

(Some went to Harvard, some to Yale, a few to Princeton, and several went to two of the three.)

Ted Cruz, asshole Senator from Texas.

Tom Cotton, asshole Senator from Arkansas.

Ben Sasse, asshole Senator from Nebraska. 

Ron DeSantis, criminal Governor of Florida.

Mike Pompeo, Wilbur Ross, Elaine Chao, Steve Mnuchin, proud members of the "former guy's" Cabinet. All corrupt in different ways. (Der Trumpo himself went to grad school at Penn's Wharton School, where he was described by one of his professors as "the dumbest goddamn student I ever had.")

Samuel Alito, Clarence Thomas, Neil Gorsuch, and Brett Kavanaugh, justices of the Supreme Court, and blights on the very idea of the Law.

Of course we must not ever forget Simple W, (George W. Bush) and the Dark Lord (Dick Cheney), those draft dodging war mongers who gave us the multi-trillion dollar sinkhole that is Iraq.

And, just for nostalgia's sake, J. Fife Symington, former Governor of Arizona, whom, when caught in some legal trouble, defended himself by saying, essentially, "they should have known I was lying."

I suppose it's really very simple:

If you went into the Ivy League as a complete asshole, chances are you will come out as a complete asshole, too.

Even the best schools can't fix that.

The Dream Team

So loser Ted Cruz thinks having other loser Carly Fiorina as a running mate on his hypothetical ticket will attract...what exactly?

Fiorina, of course, was a giant of industry, who laid off 30,000 employees, nearly wrecked "her" company, and yet famously floated away on a golden parachute woven from many millions of Yankee Greenbacks and the tears of the terminated.

She also has a chronic habit of telling lies, lies and more lies...

Come to think of it, that makes her a nearly perfect Republican.

Teddy Boy is a truly despicable human being, one of those religious hypocrites who wrap themselves in Jesus at the drop of a hat, a dime store Machiavelli with the charm of a snake oil salesman.

Since almost everybody in D.C. hates him, and with good reason, he's looking for something, anything, to give his slumping campaign a little bump.

And he must think that having Carly by his side will help push him past The Great and Powerful Trumpo and his horde of "low information" followers.

I'm sorry, but while it is true that Ted and Carly were made for each other, I'm afraid that boat has sailed...

However, there is still time to get a reality series out of this thing.

How does The Laughable Candidates of the GOP sound?

Somebody call BRAVO!

Ooops...

Wouldn't it be funny if Il Trumpo was done in for saying out loud what is essentially the logical next step in the Republican position on abortion?

After all the other stupid shit he's said?!

That insane crap about Mexicans and Muslims and the Middle East and building walls and China and the whole world laughing at us and "birtherism" and nuclear weapons and every piece of offensive, idiotic nonsense he's burbled in the last few months...

That was all OK. After all, anything to attack the black president is OK.

But voicing what many pro-lifers must truly believe?

Oops.

I say "truly believe" because abortion is "murder" to them. And there must be punishment for "murder". Ask all those fire breathing, frothing at the mouth, fundamentalist pastors that support Ted Cruz.

Somebody has to pay!

So they applaud or look the other way when women's clinics are fire bombed and doctors murdered.

And they create ridiculous laws to hamper the whole process of abortion.

Which, the last time I checked, was a right protected by the Constitution.

Oh, I forgot! Republicans get to pick and choose which parts of the Constitution, and laws in general, that they follow. Because, uh...Jesus?

Therefore, based on their line of reasoning, it only makes sense that there should be some form of punishment for the women who participate in these "murders".

Unless it's a Republican woman who gets an abortion...

But that would never happen, would it?

A Closer Look At The Republican Contenders

Trump? Cruz? Kasich?

No sane person would want any of these clowns anywhere near the Oval office.

Not the tiny fisted, carny barker megalomaniac, not the hyper religious, gun worshiping, snake oil salesman, and no, not even the one who seems almost reasonable compared to the other two, but down deep is just another reactionary hack.

And yet, there are millions of Americans of voting age who are seriously considering voting for them.

So, we are forced to confront the fact that many millions of Americans are simply out of their minds.

They know nothing of history. They have no concept of truth and fiction. They live in a fact free zone.

Their big issues are abortions, guns, religion, and immigration.

Oh, yeah, and an all encompassing fear and hatred of "the other".

They are dead certain that the brown people are getting away with something.

And if only "we" could stop them, everything would be fine and we could go back to our idyllic Mayberry past.

They truly madly deeply believe this shit!

And here's the kicker: Republican controlled states across this great land of ours have spent the last decade figuring out new and better ways to rig elections. Whether by simple gerrymandering or outright voter suppression they have made it harder and harder for Democrats to vote.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.

A Fool And His Money...

...is the raison d'etre of the modern Republican Tea Party.

See, like any snake oil salesman or carny barker worth his salt knows, you can tell fools anything.

Anything!

And there's a very good chance that they will believe you, AND give you some money.

Deep Stupid is a beautiful thing.

Ask Wayne LaPierre. Ask Ted Cruz. Ask Mike Huckabee. Ask...

Ask any Republican.

Ask any televangelist.

Some very, very wealthy people have already pissed away over $200 million on failed 2016 Republican presidential candidates.

Rubio, Walker, Fiorina, Perry, Bush, Carson, Paul--a real Murderer's Row of Incompetence.

Think about that. All that dough and nothing to show for it.

And yet, they keep on giving...why?

Well, the one thing all these losers have in common is that they promised not to raise taxes on the donor class.

Come hell or high water our cherished billionaires will not have to pay a penny more. Let the country's infrastructure fall apart, let the water and air be poisoned, let the public schools fail, let the poor starve and the sick die, not one penny more.

In fact, those fabulous "makers" deserve a tax cut, don't ya know.

So of course they keep giving.

After all, what's a few hundred million when there are trillions at stake?

Bumperstickers For Potential Republican Presidential Candidates

Since the average Republican's attention span is very short, it's extremely important for all Republican candidates to have short, pithy, easily remembered, bumpersticker length, catch phrases to sear into their fans' tiny little brains:

Trump: I'll Keep The Darkies In Line!

Cruz: Rush Loves Me!

Kasich: I'm Still In This Thing, Right?

Trump: Heads Will Roll!

Cruz: Jesus Loves Me, Too!

Kasich: I'm Here If You Need Me!

Trump: You Think Keeping All These Lies Straight Is Easy? Ha!

And who can forget, try as we might, the also rans:

Rubio: Help! I've Repeatedly Fallen And I Can't Get Up!
Jeb: Remember All The Fun We Had When A Bush Was President?!
Christie: If A Morbidly Obese Lying Bully Is What You Want, I'm Your Man!
Carson: I'm An Idiot. Vote For Me and You Can Be An Idiot Too!
Carly: Golden Parachutes For Everybody!

But of course, for the true blue believers there is only one who touches the blackest corner of their hearts:

Trump: No, Really, I'll Keep the Darkies In Line!

You Can Do This Or You Can Do That

You can go see Michael Moore's new documentary, Where To Invade Next, and see how intelligent, reasonable people deal with issues.

Or...

You can watch any Republican candidate talking, shouting, whining, et cetera, and see how panderers cajole drooling imbeciles into a mindless frenzy.

You choose.

The Voice Inside Jeb Bush's Head

"Why am I doing this? I hate this. They told me it would be easy. They told me it would be a slam dunk. We nominate you. You win the general. We're back in business! All that gerrymandering. All those rigged voting machines. Jeb, it's in the bag! It's in the bag. That's what they said.

Now, here I am. Behind three clowns. No. Four clowns. Jesus Christ. Who am I ahead of? Anybody?

And I have to ask my goddamn big brother, who is, let's face it, an idiot, to help me. Because why? Because people like him? Like him? Do any of you morons remember the glorious W years? Any of you? I say this with all the brotherly love I can muster. My big bro is an epic fuck-up. Sometimes I really regret stealing Florida for him in 2000. Because he fucking poisoned the well for me. He and Cheney.

But now, I'm married to him. I have to pretend the Iraq War was a great idea. I have to pretend that somebody else was President on 9-11. Is it any wonder I don't seem too enthused? Is it any wonder I don't have that 'fire in the belly'? Remember 'Mission Accomplished'? Try dragging that around with you. Yup, that's my brother's gift to me.

And my Mom. 'We've had enough Bushes.' Thanks Ma. Thanks loads. That was a great way to kick off my campaign. Good to know where I rate in this family.

Four clowns. Trump, Cruz, that ungrateful little prick Rubio, and the black guy. Sleepytime. What's his name? Carson? Supposed to be a doctor or something. Fuck.

So here I am down in Dixie, begging a bunch of inbred mouth breathers who are still whining about the Civil War to please, please, vote for me, y'all.

OK. We'll let it play out. There's still a few million bucks to blow through, after all. And if the good voters of the Republican Party decide they want that gasbag Trump, that oily serpent Cruz, or those other guys more than me, then fine. Just fine.

Why am I doing this? I hate this."

God's Glory, And All That Jazz

Let's assume for a moment, for the sake of argument, and against all available information, that there is something, somewhere, resembling God.

All powerful, all seeing, open all night.

The Big Man.

Or Big Woman, for that matter

Who can be sure, after all?

Does anyone really think that any conceivable Supreme Being would care whether either Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio believed in Him/Her/It?

Let alone whether they thanked Him/Her/It for their paltry political successes?

But, hey, let's say I'm wrong.

Sooner or later The Almighty, The Big Whatever Upstairs, will have to choose a favorite.

When that happens, one of those boys will be very, very disappointed in his Lord and Savior.

And then, trust me, there will be Hell to pay.

Huh?

There it was, screaming at me from the Huffington Post:

"GOP's Soul At Stake"

And beneath the headline were pictures of Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, and Marco Rubio.

I almost dropped my cocktail shaker.

Someone still believes that the party of Dick Cheney and W, the party of Karl Rove and Frank Luntz, the party of Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent, the party of Rick Perry and Carly Fiorina, the party of Gohmert and Trent Franks and Steve King...yes indeed, the party of Cruz, Trump and Rubio has a soul?!

The party of the Southern Strategy,  the party of "government is the problem", the party of "you lie", the party of Iran-Contra, the party of voter suppression, the party that gave us the Iraq War, the party of "fetuses are people", "money is speech", and "corporations are human", that party has a soul?

My God, what a shriveled, worthless, ugly thing it must be!

Why Anyone Cares About Iowa Is Beyond Me

Regarding where America is headed, I'm sure there must be less representative states than Iowa...

I just can't think of any at the moment--certainly none that have so much importance placed on their Presidential caucuses/primaries.

And yet, entire political careers have been and will be wrecked* because of a poor showing with the mostly white, mostly rural, mostly Christian, mostly conservative voters of this mostly inconsequential state.

I know we are essentially creatures of habit...but come on!

The Latino vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The black vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The youth vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The gay vote won't mean anything in Iowa.

And the women vote won't mean much.

Other than that, Iowa is completely representative of the American populace in 2016.

Uh huh.

*For the sake of this argument the fact that most of those wrecked careers deserved to be wrecked should be set aside.

Make Up Your Own Punchline

So Ted "I'm As American As Anyone Born In Canada" Cruz is doing an armed minstrel show with one of those crackers from Duck "Sweet Jesus What A Bunch Of Worthless Fucks We Are" Dynasty...

And the one asshole turns to the other asshole and says:

They Just Can't Quit Him

Donald J. Trump is the dark twisted id of the modern Republican Tea Party made flesh.

Almost anything he says, anything, no matter how stupid, bigoted, un-American, or just plain factually wrong, appeals on some cellular level to the base of the GOP.

And, it must be acknowledged, to his fellow Republican candidates.

Oh, they can pretend they don't agree with him...but they do.

This is what they are. They can't deny their heart's deepest wishes.

At best, they argue about semantics.

And act like they're appalled by something Trump has said.

But they can't quite bring themselves to wholly denounce him.

Because they aren't really appalled. The truth is they feel shivers of delight and excitement every time he speaks.

All that tough talk gets them aroused.

So...they just can't quit him.

This proves something I've long believed:

You can never be too awful to be a Republican...there are no known limits to what fits under the Big Tent...

(And by the way, Ted Cruz isn't any better than Trump. He's just a little smarter and a little sneakier. The kind of dime store Machiavelli who thrives in a cesspool.)

By A Thousand Cuts

Will ISIS, or ISIL or Daesh or whatever the fuck they're called, manage to carry out an attack in the US?

I don't know.

Trump can bluster, Lindsey Graham can clutch his pearls, Bill Kristol can call for a million troop deployment, John McCain can scream "I told you so!", Jeb "The Smart One Is A Relative Term" Bush can do whatever it is he does, Ted Cruz can act dead butch, and all the Fox News puppets and panderers can froth at the mouth about Obama's "weakness/incompetence".

None of them know either.

(Although it does seem like many of them would welcome it, if only to finally put that uppity negro is his place.)

I do know that from what I've read 9-11, which got us into this particular mess,  could have been prevented if we hadn't had a smirking frat boy simpleton and a slathering oil whore chickenhawk running things...

I also know that at some point in the not too distant future a white male psychopath, armed to the teeth thanks to our Supreme Court's interpretation of the Second Amendment and our esteemed Congress's fear of the NRA, and nursing some sort of grievance against "them", will shoot up an American school, or movie theatre, or shopping mall, or.....

That is indisputable.

Now, which do you think is more likely to happen first?

Oh, one more thing that is indisputable. If the crazy nihilist Muslims are here, it won't be very hard for them to get all the guns they want.

So, how's this for a campaign slogan:

"ISIS and the Republican Party: Working Together To Keep Americans Scared"

More Republican Debate Demands

Laugh track.

Applause signs.

No "gotcha" questions. No hard questions. No questions. Just let us talk. That's what the American people want.

Don't look at us like that.

A choir.

When we lie, and we all will lie, repeatedly, don't you dare say anything.

Cool graphics. Like the Avengers.

Something to keep Carson from nodding off.

I said don't look at us like that!

More yooge. More fantastic. More winning.

Treat us with the respect we deserve.

As long as Jeb is still in the race, don't mention his brother.

(Note: find out if Jeb is still in the race)

Something for Marco Rubio to stand on. A stool, a phone book. Something.

Absolutely no fact checkers. For what are "facts" really? Just some so called "expert's" opinion.

Soft focus for Carly.

Trump's hair wants its own trailer.

Since nobody wants to stand next to Cruz, maybe we can green-screen him in.

Audience vetted by Fox News, the Koch brothers, and/or the KKK.

When we lie, and we all will lie, repeatedly, try to keep a straight face.

Republican Debate Recap

To be honest with you--and hey, why not?--I didn't watch any of it.

Nope. Couldn't do it.

Life is way too short to waste even a moment of it on that kind of nonsense.

But from what I've heard and read from the various post mortems, Jeb! is dead and Rubio is rising!

To which I respond, who gives a shit?

They are, essentially, the same guy, with the same lame "ideas". The only difference is, one of them can take a punch and the other can't. Neither will be President.

No, the most important thing that came out of this particular debate is that the moderators apparently asked "unfair" questions!!!!

All the esteemed candidates whined about it, so it must be true.

Even Reince Priebus said so, and if you can't trust a guy with a name from a Pixar movie, who can you trust?

How rude of those CNBC bastards! Don't they know that these are essentially infomercials for a product?

And infomercials never delve too deeply.

It is enough that they say they will build a border wall and get Mexico to pay for it, deport 11 million people, replace Obamacare with something better, make the tax system fair for all, reduce the size of the government, save Social Security and Medicare, restore order to the Middle East by starting another war, make Putin respect, nay fear, the United States, put a chicken or two in every pot and an assault rifle in every closet, create jobs, keep the darkies in line, and return us to the Utopia America that was stolen by the evil socialist liberals, all this while cutting taxes for the wealthy.

Only a miserable cur would dare to ask "how will you do these things?"

That sort of "gotcha" question is simply not fair. Where are their manners? For one thing, it is the height of elitism to confront a fool with his foolishness. For another, it interrupts the flow of the pointless soundbites.

Besides, we all know that reality has a noted liberal bias. So away with it.

No, arrogant East Coast media smarty pants, you'll just have to trust the candidates.

And have a little faith that they do indeed have wonderful, in some cases even yoooge and sparkly, solutions to all of our problems!

After all, why would they lie to us?

The Big Tent

You can't say the Republicans aren't the party of diversity.

Right now they've got a black fool, a female fool, two Hispanic fools, a bunch of white male fools, probably including a closeted gay fool, all running for President of these here United States.

Take your pick!

Go on, choose.

But be prepared to hear science denied, every minority offended, lies about their business accomplishments, immigrants demonized, war and more war promoted, the disenfranchisement of millions of people applauded, the prospect of healthcare being taken away from millions more equally applauded, the despised poor ground beneath their boots, the incessant meddling in women's personal lives, and the non stop worship of the almighty gun.

You know, the family values, take our country back, stuff the GOP is so fond of.

Pestilence

The other day, The Rude Pundit compared Dick "The Dark Lord" Cheney to a cockroach.

As far as I'm concerned, that's an insult to cockroaches everywhere.

They ought to sue for defamation.

Of course, that's just my opinion. And enough about me.

Today's topic is "what kind of political party doesn't have the moral character to denounce a cockroach?"

Honestly, Dick Cheney has been wrong about everything during his entire political career.

At this point, he is nothing more or less than a war criminal. A frightening, frothing, clown, dripping with the blood of innocents.

And yet, whatever ridiculous nonsense he continues to spout, with or without his equally disgusting daughter at his side, not one of the current (or past) Republican presidential candidates has the balls to laugh at him. Indeed, many of them continue to respect and admire him and his "opinions".

Fuck him. Fuck his opinions.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. The GOP is, after all, the home of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Mike Huckabee, Steve King, Trent Franks, Tom Cotton, Ted Cruz, "You Lie!", death panels, "Hell of a job, Brownie", birthers, etc etc etc.

It really isn't a political party anymore.

It's an open air insane asylum, run by its inmates, and funded by a handful of billionaires.

Defining Deviancy Down

You're probably thinking, "Boy, there sure are a lot of Republicans who think they're qualified to be President of the United States of America!"

And then, after you stop laughing, you're probably thinking, "But none of them are! Not really. Not one!"

Here's the problem: after 8 years of George W. Bush, the bar was set sooooo low that anyone in the GOP with more than two functioning brain cells thought "Hey, if he was President, I could be President, too! Cool!"

Thank you, Simple W.

And then, because a (gasp) black man was elected, twice, (hahaha), the racist part of those dimly functioning brains thought, "Hey, I'm white! That automatically makes me superior to any non-white person. I should be President! Cool!"

It is a perfect storm of stupid, and hubris, and white privilege all twirling together that gives us people like Trump, Bush, Cruz, Santorum, Rubio, Perry, Graham, Kasich, Christie, and Walker.

Frankly, there is no rational explanation for Carly Fiorina or Bobby Jindal. Other than being purely delusional, that is.

And as for Ben Carson, well, a little too much surgical nitrous oxide is my guess. He's flat tripping.

Stupid Never Goes Out Of Style

Lemme see if I've got this right.

The same guys who told us that the Iraq War would be "a cake walk" and that the "war would pay for itself" and that "Saddam had WMD's and was this close to getting nukes" and that "we would be welcomed as liberators" and who cheered numbnuts' "Mission Accomplished" photo op like teenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert, are telling us now just how awful the President's Iran deal is...

And some poor, dumb, bastards actually believe them!

This is the true beauty of America: you can be wrong about everything. Everything. Every fucking thing!

And they'll still find a place for you on the Sunday chat shows to expound upon whatever topic you choose.

All those chickenhawk punks get a place at the table. Cheney, Graham, Bolton, Wolfowitz,  Kristol, and every last one of the Bushes.

Oh, and let's not forget John "Bomb Iran" McCain, who is supposed to be so wise about foreign affairs...without there being any evidence to prove that supposition.

And yet some media types continue to pretend that these clowns' totally empty heads contain knowledge.

Hey, if you're stupid enough to fall for that again you are, quite simply, beyond redemption, and you deserve whatever happens to you and yours.