The Dream Team

So loser Ted Cruz thinks having other loser Carly Fiorina as a running mate on his hypothetical ticket will attract...what exactly?

Fiorina, of course, was a giant of industry, who laid off 30,000 employees, nearly wrecked "her" company, and yet famously floated away on a golden parachute woven from many millions of Yankee Greenbacks and the tears of the terminated.

She also has a chronic habit of telling lies, lies and more lies...

Come to think of it, that makes her a nearly perfect Republican.

Teddy Boy is a truly despicable human being, one of those religious hypocrites who wrap themselves in Jesus at the drop of a hat, a dime store Machiavelli with the charm of a snake oil salesman.

Since almost everybody in D.C. hates him, and with good reason, he's looking for something, anything, to give his slumping campaign a little bump.

And he must think that having Carly by his side will help push him past The Great and Powerful Trumpo and his horde of "low information" followers.

I'm sorry, but while it is true that Ted and Carly were made for each other, I'm afraid that boat has sailed...

However, there is still time to get a reality series out of this thing.

How does The Laughable Candidates of the GOP sound?

Somebody call BRAVO!

Bumperstickers For Potential Republican Presidential Candidates

Since the average Republican's attention span is very short, it's extremely important for all Republican candidates to have short, pithy, easily remembered, bumpersticker length, catch phrases to sear into their fans' tiny little brains:

Trump: I'll Keep The Darkies In Line!

Cruz: Rush Loves Me!

Kasich: I'm Still In This Thing, Right?

Trump: Heads Will Roll!

Cruz: Jesus Loves Me, Too!

Kasich: I'm Here If You Need Me!

Trump: You Think Keeping All These Lies Straight Is Easy? Ha!

And who can forget, try as we might, the also rans:

Rubio: Help! I've Repeatedly Fallen And I Can't Get Up!
Jeb: Remember All The Fun We Had When A Bush Was President?!
Christie: If A Morbidly Obese Lying Bully Is What You Want, I'm Your Man!
Carson: I'm An Idiot. Vote For Me and You Can Be An Idiot Too!
Carly: Golden Parachutes For Everybody!

But of course, for the true blue believers there is only one who touches the blackest corner of their hearts:

Trump: No, Really, I'll Keep the Darkies In Line!

Is Carly Fiorina A Serial Liar? Discuss.

You gotta give it to her.

She sounds so confident, so certain, like she really believes what she's saying.

She spews it out without any fear of contradiction. And then defends it against all evidence to the contrary.

I think I read somewhere that that's one of the ways you can tell a true sociopath...

Anyway, from Planned Parenthood, to her job performance at Hewlett Packard, to President Obama's economic achievements, and all points in between, Carly just can't seem to tell the truth.

And while that makes her eminently qualified to be a Republican candidate for, well, anything and everything, it should kinda disqualify her to hold office in the real world.

Here's an idea Carly: move to Arizona or Texas or Florida, or any of the other New Confederacy states.

You'll fit right it!

Republican Debate Recap

To be honest with you--and hey, why not?--I didn't watch any of it.

Nope. Couldn't do it.

Life is way too short to waste even a moment of it on that kind of nonsense.

But from what I've heard and read from the various post mortems, Jeb! is dead and Rubio is rising!

To which I respond, who gives a shit?

They are, essentially, the same guy, with the same lame "ideas". The only difference is, one of them can take a punch and the other can't. Neither will be President.

No, the most important thing that came out of this particular debate is that the moderators apparently asked "unfair" questions!!!!

All the esteemed candidates whined about it, so it must be true.

Even Reince Priebus said so, and if you can't trust a guy with a name from a Pixar movie, who can you trust?

How rude of those CNBC bastards! Don't they know that these are essentially infomercials for a product?

And infomercials never delve too deeply.

It is enough that they say they will build a border wall and get Mexico to pay for it, deport 11 million people, replace Obamacare with something better, make the tax system fair for all, reduce the size of the government, save Social Security and Medicare, restore order to the Middle East by starting another war, make Putin respect, nay fear, the United States, put a chicken or two in every pot and an assault rifle in every closet, create jobs, keep the darkies in line, and return us to the Utopia America that was stolen by the evil socialist liberals, all this while cutting taxes for the wealthy.

Only a miserable cur would dare to ask "how will you do these things?"

That sort of "gotcha" question is simply not fair. Where are their manners? For one thing, it is the height of elitism to confront a fool with his foolishness. For another, it interrupts the flow of the pointless soundbites.

Besides, we all know that reality has a noted liberal bias. So away with it.

No, arrogant East Coast media smarty pants, you'll just have to trust the candidates.

And have a little faith that they do indeed have wonderful, in some cases even yoooge and sparkly, solutions to all of our problems!

After all, why would they lie to us?

They Told Us You Were The Smart One

That's right, Jeb.

Or should I say Jeb! ?

All this time, all these years, we've heard W may be an idiot--but he's our idiot, dammit--and anyway, his lil bro Jebster is the smart one.

Just wait until Jeb runs! Then you'll see!

The heavens will part...the birds will sing...and all will be right with the world...

So hey, Jebbie is running...and it turns out he's just as smart as his brother! And not an ounce smarter.

Gee, do you think it's genetic?

I mean, does that sort of thing run in families?

Jebra has already been rolled, repeatedly by the Trumpster.

In fact, he seems scared of Donald J.

He's defended his idiot brother's foreign policy, uh, accomplishments, against all available evidence.

And as to his own accomplishments as Governor of Florida, you all, on closer inspection they aren't exactly stellar. Just more of the same steal from the poor to help the rich Republican crap that we've come to know and love.

The Smart One! is currently polling behind El Trumpo The Magnificent and a brain surgeon who is in all other aspects a fool. And just slightly ahead of a failed businesswoman who was paid a small fortune by her former employers to go far, far away.

Now, to be fair, Jebber Jabber did manage to help steal the 2000 election for W...and that ought to count for something...

Ignorance Is Their Brand

I recently read an article that said  "the GOP risked looking ignorant" on something or other.

China, maybe.

Risked?

Seriously?

Wake up man, ignorance has been the GOP's brand for a long time.

Look at Trump, for Christ's sake. All those hideous mouthbreathers that applaud him and roar with delight at his every blustery, inane word.

Or Carly Baby. Jesus, just take the money H-P gave you to go away and, you know, GO AWAY!

And let's not even start with Dr. Ben "I Couldn't Really Be This Stupid, Could I?" Carson. (I would have also accepted Dr. Ben "If Only Those Jews Had Been Armed, The Holocaust Would Have Never Happened!" Carson.)

If you ask me, at this point, mere ignorance would be a compliment.

No, chief, that's profound all-encompassing ignorance, mixed in with a large dose of stupid, blind hatred.

And that's the GOP party--and base--in a nutshell.

To pretend that it isn't?

Now that's ignorance.

The Big Tent

You can't say the Republicans aren't the party of diversity.

Right now they've got a black fool, a female fool, two Hispanic fools, a bunch of white male fools, probably including a closeted gay fool, all running for President of these here United States.

Take your pick!

Go on, choose.

But be prepared to hear science denied, every minority offended, lies about their business accomplishments, immigrants demonized, war and more war promoted, the disenfranchisement of millions of people applauded, the prospect of healthcare being taken away from millions more equally applauded, the despised poor ground beneath their boots, the incessant meddling in women's personal lives, and the non stop worship of the almighty gun.

You know, the family values, take our country back, stuff the GOP is so fond of.

Defining Deviancy Down

You're probably thinking, "Boy, there sure are a lot of Republicans who think they're qualified to be President of the United States of America!"

And then, after you stop laughing, you're probably thinking, "But none of them are! Not really. Not one!"

Here's the problem: after 8 years of George W. Bush, the bar was set sooooo low that anyone in the GOP with more than two functioning brain cells thought "Hey, if he was President, I could be President, too! Cool!"

Thank you, Simple W.

And then, because a (gasp) black man was elected, twice, (hahaha), the racist part of those dimly functioning brains thought, "Hey, I'm white! That automatically makes me superior to any non-white person. I should be President! Cool!"

It is a perfect storm of stupid, and hubris, and white privilege all twirling together that gives us people like Trump, Bush, Cruz, Santorum, Rubio, Perry, Graham, Kasich, Christie, and Walker.

Frankly, there is no rational explanation for Carly Fiorina or Bobby Jindal. Other than being purely delusional, that is.

And as for Ben Carson, well, a little too much surgical nitrous oxide is my guess. He's flat tripping.

Clown Time Is Never Over

Time flies, and before you know it, registered Republicans across this great land of ours will have to make the difficult decision of choosing which disastrous current or former governor to anoint as their party's presidential candidate.

Of course, they could pick from the covey of past and present truly awful U.S. senators running for the job.

Then there's always the business woman who almost ruined a major American corporation.

Or the noted surgeon who has the political intelligence of a salamander.

What about the bigoted blowhard billionaire, who makes the noted surgeon look like Thomas Jefferson?

So little time and so many buffoons to choose from!

Quote Of The Day

"I think I'm the best person for the job because I understand how the economy actually works. I understand the world; who's in it."

Carly Fiorina, announcing her candidacy to be the 2016 Republican presidential nominee, said that.

Yes she did.

This would be the same Carly Fiorina who almost ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground. Along the way, she laid off 30,000 workers, while giving herself large bonuses.

When she was finally ousted by the H-P Board of Directors, she walked away with a Golden Parachute worth an estimated 40 million dollars.

Hey, she does understand how the economy works! For some people...

Wow. Just when you thought the Klown Kar couldn't possibly get any, uh, klownier....it does!

With Letterman and Jon Stewart retiring, I was worried about the state of comedy in these troubled times.

No need! We can always count on The Republican Party to be a consistently reliable source of both mad cap zaniness, and groundbreaking political satire 24-7 365!