The Hall Of Fame Of Arizona's Recent Republican Governors

Since some out of state folks, and we'll probably never learn who, thought it was worthwhile to buy the governorship of Arizona for the Republican candidate, as a public service let me refresh your memory about the last few Republican governors of Arizona:

Ev Mecham, the man who tried to re-popularize the word pickaninny. Ol Ev was, naturally, a successful businessman--well, he sold Pontiacs back when people still bought Pontiacs, I guess that counts--and he was so successful as Arizona's governor that he was called "an ethical pygmy" and then impeached by a legislature controlled by his own party! But not before he rescinded the MLK Jr. holiday and cost the state its first shot at hosting a Super Bowl. Go Ev!

J. Fife Symington. J. Fife was, you guessed it, a successful businessman, many of whose projects somehow went bankrupt, and who, through no fault of his own, of course, was convicted of fraud! A popular bumpersticker of the time read "Honk if Fife owes you money!" Fife's defense boiled down to "they should have known I was lying" (on his financial statements). If not for a Presidential pardon, Fife would have spent some quality time in prison.

Jane D. Hull. You can list Jane D's lifetime achievements on one side of a very small post-it and still have room for a fairly detailed grocery list. But she wasn't impeached or indicted, and in this field that makes her our champion!

Jan Brewer. Not terribly bright is perhaps the kindest description of Jan Brewer. Famous for wagging a boney finger in the face of President Obama, championing SB1070, and having the verbal dexterity of a brain damaged non-English speaker trying to improvise Shakespearean dialogue, Jan was, of course, beloved by all not terribly bright Arizonans, which fortunately for her was and is a majority!

Which brings us to the newly elected Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone?" Ducey, who is, wonder of wonders, a successful Republican businessman!

What could possibly go wrong?

My Petition to Secede

Whereas I have lived in Arizona for more than 50 years (long sigh); and whereas during that time I have been "represented" by the likes of Jan Brewer, Jon Kyl, John McCain, Ben Quayle, John Shadegg, Ev Mecham, Fife Symington, Jane Hull, Barry Goldwater, and some twits in the state legislature whose names I never bothered to learn; and whereas for much of that time I have been "protected" by an arrogant joke of a sheriff named Joe Arpaio and such stellar attorneys (general and county) as Tom Horne and Andrew Thomas; and whereas they have all been essentially worthless (yeah, Barry too); and whereas the good people of Arizona seem determined to keep choosing a stunning collection of grifters, fools, and circus clowns for the majority of their elected officials; and whereas some of said elected officials do a sad, shady, and woefully inadequate job of counting those votes they disagree with; therefore, I hereby petition the Federal government for some form of relief from this cruel and unusual punishment.

Frankly, I think we'd be better off if a whole bunch of Red states did secede. Let the hillbillies fend for themselves for awhile and let's see how they do.

But since that's not going to happen, at the very least some of us should be allowed to secede from whatever Red state we find ourselves in.

By secession I mean not having to pay any state taxes anymore. Oh, I'll still live here. We have a nice house and Mrs. Franklin has business interests. Most of our friends are here, too.

But I don't want to financially support the asinine behavior anymore. Enough is enough.

So, just tell me what kind of forms I need to fill out, OK?

Everything You Need To Know About The Phoenix Mayoral Race In 25 Words or Less

Wes Gullett used to work for J. Fife Symington III and John "the Maverick" McCain. And he's proud of it. The end.