Poor Sarah Palin

Poor Sarah Palin.

She thought she had a lifetime lock on the coveted Ignorant Shrill Incompetent Republican Female title.

But, like they say, "you snooze, you lose."

After the intellectual triumph that was her VP campaign, and the resulting Obama years, wherein she basked in the warm waters of Fox News' outrage du jour machine, Sarah took some "me time" off.

She took her eyes off the ball, and what happened?

Other Republican females upped their game. 

Merely being Ignorant, Shrill and Incompetent is no longer enough.

No, in the era of Boebert, Greene, Lesko, Blackburn, Collins and others too numerous to mention, you have to add a few more spices to the fetid, poisonous, soup you're cooking.

Now, the straight faced, hypocritical, bullshit of a Susan Collins is the most genteel additive. But it's way too subtle for the seething MAGA masses, i.e. the MAGAts. "Deeply concerned" just doesn't move the needle much with them.

What you need is that high octane racist, homophobic, xenophobic, paranoiac, Luddite, mix. Just sprinkle liberally, stir, and serve. (Always use a ridiculously large amount of hypocrisy as a starter  base.)

Sarah, being cunning in her own stunningly simple way, recognizes this, and is no doubt working on her comeback. After all, even with their Russian sources dried up--at least temporarily--there's vast sums of other, corporate money to be begged for by all Republicans. 

And she's certainly earned her place at the trough.

So, look out ladies! Sarah's back in town!

Remember,  "you can't keep a miserable, opportunistic, publicity mad hack, down for long!"

One Thing You Can't Hide Is When You're Crippled Inside

Look, I've never cared for John McCain.

I grew tired of the "I was a P.O.W." card very early on in the game.

More importantly, most of his positions are directly opposite of everything I believe.

First as a Congressman and then as a Senator he has done next to nothing for the people of Arizona. You can look it up.

He would have been a bad President. Not as bad as W.  And no one will ever be as bad as that lump of orange fecal matter currently occupying the White House. But still, just the idea of Sarah Palin being a heartbeat away, as they say, should have given anyone with a functioning brain nightmares.

Now, it looks like the "Maverick" is on his way out. Like the song says, "everything dies and that's a fact". When he does, he will be given full military honors, which he certainly deserves. He does not deserve to be mocked by that festering gang of morally crippled, ethical pygmies that takes its marching orders from Donald J. Trump.

And there is a pretty good chance that whatever replaces him will be worse. This is Arizona we're talking about, after all.

However, one thing is beyond dispute. John McCain has never been a traitor.

Donald J. Trump, and anyone associated with the criminal enterprise that he calls his administration, can't honestly say that.

Stream Of Unconsciousness

The bad acid trip that is the so called Trump "Presidency" continues...

There was (and perhaps is, my subscription to Obituaries Daily having lapsed) a comedian named Professor Irwin Corey.

He spoke highly educated, or at least seemingly highly educated, nonsense.

It was entertaining. But it was also complete nonsense.

Of course, Corey knew he was speaking nonsensical double talk.

And that's what makes him, dead or alive, more qualified to be President of the United States than Donald J. Trump.

It's really something to have a blithering imbecile leading the most powerful nation on the face of the earth.

At least for the time being.

When the indictments start coming, and come they will, Trump may find that he can't incoherently tweet his way out of them.

There will then be a desperate search for multiple fall guys...because nothing is ever DonDon's fault.

However, since there is very little honor amongst thieves, after that fails, perhaps a nice long stay in a federal prison is in order for some of the Trump family. And RICO all of their assets.

Until that glorious day comes, all we can do is sit back and enjoy the daily psychedelic word salad tweets that make Sarah Palin sound almost sane.

And hope that they've hidden the nuclear football from Der Trump.

The Circus Comes To Town

My God, look at all the clowns!

John Bolton! Steve Bannon! Kellyanne Conway! Jeff Sessions! Michael Flynn! Ben Carson! Newt Gingrich! Rudy Guiliani! Tom Cotton! Mike Pence! Rick Perry! Steve King! Sarah Palin! Jan Brewer! Rex Tillerson and all those interchangeable, pasty billionaires! On and on, it never ends!

A freak show of mis-governance, a huge accident just waiting to happen, a national tragedy about to unfold!

Vladimir Putin proudly presents a Theocratic Kleptocracy for the Ages!

Look at the ringmaster marionette, with his orange skin and fright wig! Amazingly lifelike!

Smell that?

That's elephant shit.

Step right up folks and dive in!

Meet Trump's Cabinet

Chief of Staff: Steve "Even Sewer Scum Thinks I'm Awful" Bannon.

Secretary of State: Sarah "I can see Russia from my house" Palin. Of course, that's only if Putin is too busy to do the job.

Attorney General: Jeff "If'n You Want To Start A Race War, I'm Yer Peckerwood" Sessions. I guess we're not going to "throw her in jail" now, are we? There's still a very long enemies list to get through.

National Security Advisor: General Michael "Kill Anyone Who Doesn't Love Jesus" Flynn.

Secretary of Defense: John "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Iran" McCain. I know they've had their differences, but surely they can agree on nuking some folks, can't they? The Chickenhawk and the Professional POW. Sounds like a great buddy movie.

Department of Homeland Security: Milwaukee County Sheriff David "Constitution? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Constitution" Clarke. See, he's black so that means they're not racists, right? Yes, he is black, but the old, ugly phrase "house ni**er" comes to mind.

Secretary of the Interior: Is James Watt dead? If so, then whomever the Koch brothers want will do. We've got a lot of federal lands to despoil. Those National Parks aren't going to privatize themselves!

Secretaries of Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services: you're kidding, right?

And of course, since Trump will need all the help he can get, there will have to be some new positions:

Minister of Misinformation: Roger Ailes.

Minister of Culture: Ted Nugent.

Minister of Bile: Rudy "Frothing at the Mouth" Guiliani. Naturally, he has to be cleared for rabies first.

Minister of Truly Bad Ideas:  John "Anyone Who Listens To Me Is A Fool" Bolton. Regime change? In Iran?  Beautiful. It's good to see Bolton hasn't lost a step.

Minister(s) of Internal Compliance: All those armed Trump supporters can take turns keeping the rest of us, the majority by the way, in line.

Gonna be a fun 4 years.

The Scum Also Rises

The Trump campaign, if you can call a smoldering pile of horse shit a campaign, has now done what once was thought nearly impossible:

Take a good look at--and this hasn't happened since John Connally joined the Nixon White House-- rats swimming towards a sinking ship.

Breitbart refugee Steve Bannon and Roger Ailes? That's the best Il Trumpo could do?

Poor thing. I guess Scott Baio and Gary Busey were busy.

But what about Sarah Palin? Surely she could use the paycheck? Of course, Trump is famous for not paying people who have worked for him, so...

He surrounds himself with the scum of the earth and voters are supposed to trust his judgment?

My God, after all this time, this cretin still has people believing his every word!

Brace yourself. The next few weeks will be indescribably grotesque, as Der Trump, realizing that he will lose and lose big, goes into "no lie too awful" mode. Not for the faint of heart.

Possible Trump Vice Presidents: The Short List

That "Hey Vern" guy. To appeal to low information voters. Oh, we've already got them in the bag? Never mind.

Sarah Palin. Call it an insurance policy. Besides, I would look very presidential by comparison.

Rush Limbaugh. See above.

Bill O'Reilly. He's a really smart guy. Just ask him.

Charlize Theron. Melania isn't getting any younger.

Ben Carson. I like the blacks. The blacks like me. Plus, he's a doctor--in case I need a prescription for something.

Eva Longoria. Just found out Charlize isn't a US citizen! Anyway, the Hispanics love me! This will make them love me more!

Somebody who knows something about government. Maybe we should have a contest!

Huh?

There it was, screaming at me from the Huffington Post:

"GOP's Soul At Stake"

And beneath the headline were pictures of Ted Cruz, Donald Trump, and Marco Rubio.

I almost dropped my cocktail shaker.

Someone still believes that the party of Dick Cheney and W, the party of Karl Rove and Frank Luntz, the party of Sarah Palin and Ted Nugent, the party of Rick Perry and Carly Fiorina, the party of Gohmert and Trent Franks and Steve King...yes indeed, the party of Cruz, Trump and Rubio has a soul?!

The party of the Southern Strategy,  the party of "government is the problem", the party of "you lie", the party of Iran-Contra, the party of voter suppression, the party that gave us the Iraq War, the party of "fetuses are people", "money is speech", and "corporations are human", that party has a soul?

My God, what a shriveled, worthless, ugly thing it must be!

Learn To Talk Like Sarah Palin

It's really not that hard.

First get altered in some way: you know, stoned, drunk, repeated blows to the head, or simply physically restrict the flow of oxygen to your brain.

Then it's just like ordering Chinese food. Take one from column A, one from column B, and so on.

Column A: Mama Grizzly, Drill Baby Drill, Obama, Lame Stream Media, etc

Column B: Gonna, You betcha, thinkin', hope-y change-y, etc.

Column C: Death panels, ISIS, Putin, mom pants, etc.

Toss them all together, add a few knowing winks, a couple of dog whistles, and an idiotic giggle.

Finally, try to rhyme as many things as you can...like a very, very simple child begging for attention from the grownups.

Then stand back and watch the money flow in from your fellow simpletons who think you're one of them, and therefore "genuine".

Locking Up The Imbecile Vote

It might seem like a small, insignificant part of the overall demographic, but in today's Republican party, the imbecile vote is neither small nor insignificant.

And with Sarah Palin's endorsement, Donald "Yooge Wallet" Trump, has leapfrogged the field and nailed down this vital segment of the Republican electorate.

Palin--Grizzly Mother, Publicity Whore, Moron-in-Chief--controls the imbecile vote like Capone controlled Chicago.

Her every undecipherable, delusional, manic word-salad is like manna from heaven to her followers.

She speaks, and they melt.

You betcha!

And now, her patented brand of True Blue Shoot From The Hip Whites Only Fact Free Tea Party Patriotism is at the service of Donald "Really, I Have No Shame" Trump!

Talk about your Dream Team!

Stand back in wonder, ye lesser men.

Oh, and you too, Carly.

If Anybody Knows Inept, It's Senator John McCain

This guy, the guy who's calling John Kerry "the most inept Secretary of State in my lifetime", is the same guy who wanted Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency of the United States of America.

The same guy whose response to any turmoil in the world is "bomb 'em! Send in the troops! I said bomb 'em, dammit!"

The same guy who has never done anything for the state of Arizona in all his many years in the Congress.

Yeah, that guy.

So, hey, fuck John McCain, R-Halfcocked,  and fuck anybody who takes his senile prattle and sword rattling seriously.

Come on, enough is enough.

Pestilence

The other day, The Rude Pundit compared Dick "The Dark Lord" Cheney to a cockroach.

As far as I'm concerned, that's an insult to cockroaches everywhere.

They ought to sue for defamation.

Of course, that's just my opinion. And enough about me.

Today's topic is "what kind of political party doesn't have the moral character to denounce a cockroach?"

Honestly, Dick Cheney has been wrong about everything during his entire political career.

At this point, he is nothing more or less than a war criminal. A frightening, frothing, clown, dripping with the blood of innocents.

And yet, whatever ridiculous nonsense he continues to spout, with or without his equally disgusting daughter at his side, not one of the current (or past) Republican presidential candidates has the balls to laugh at him. Indeed, many of them continue to respect and admire him and his "opinions".

Fuck him. Fuck his opinions.

I suppose I shouldn't be too surprised. The GOP is, after all, the home of Sarah Palin, Michele Bachmann, Louie Gohmert, Mike Huckabee, Steve King, Trent Franks, Tom Cotton, Ted Cruz, "You Lie!", death panels, "Hell of a job, Brownie", birthers, etc etc etc.

It really isn't a political party anymore.

It's an open air insane asylum, run by its inmates, and funded by a handful of billionaires.

A Hero Ain't Nothing But A Sandwich

Once and for all, John McCain, R-Hensley, is not a hero.

He flew a plane. He got shot down. He was a POW.

He suffered greatly and he survived.

End of story.

Since then, as an elected representative of the good people of Arizona, using his actual suffering and his mythical "heroism" as crutches every step of the way, he has done very, very little, almost nothing in fact, nada, zip, for the state.

Of course, you are not allowed to mention that.

To be fair, he did loose on the world the free form comedy stylings of one Sarah Palin, for which we should be eternally grateful.

But still...

This doesn't make Donald J. Trump any less of an asshole. However, it should be noted that the hypocrisy of the Republicans in l'affaire Trump v. McCain is truly breathtaking.

This is the party, after all, that warmly applauded the Swift boating of John Kerry.

And let's not forget what they did to Max Cleland, either.

But those were Democrats, and therefore, by Republican Tea Party standards, prima facie un-American traitors.

Do As I Say--Not As I Do

That, my friends, is quite obviously the motto of fundamentalist Christian Republicans all across this great land of ours.

You know, your Palins, your Duggars, your Huckabees, and so on and so forth. You know, all the folks who would gladly welcome a theocracy.

When they do something bad, they will ask for forgiveness, and their merciful, compassionate God will shrug and forgive them.

When you do something that they consider bad, you will suffer the torments of eternal damnation.

Apologize all you want, you are an irredeemable sinner.

Now I ask you, as a theology, how fucked up is that?

Field Guide To The 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates

Marco "Don't Forget To Hydrate!" Rubio

Jeb "I'm The Smart One--No Really!" Bush. (Honestly, in that family, he just might be. But isn't that very much like being the tallest pygmy?)

Mike "Hey, I Got To Jam With Ted Nugent!" Huckabee

Chris "What Do You Mean Lard Isn't A Food Group?" Christie

Sarah "I'm Still Here And I'm Still Babbling Incoherently" Palin

Scott "Ruining A State Is Just The Beginning" Walker

Ted "Living Proof The Ivy League Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be" Cruz

Rick "The Glasses Make Me Look Smarter, Right?" Perry

Rand "Fill In The Blank" Paul ("I mean, really, I'll say whatever you want me to say. Just tell me what you want me to say.") AKA Rand "I Honestly Can't Open My Mouth Without Saying Something Stupid--God Knows I've Tried" Paul

Ben "Being A Surgeon Requires Less Intelligence Than You'd Think" Carson

Donald "If I Were A Human Being I'd Be Appalled By Me" Trump

Willard Mitt "Wouldn't It Be Easier If I Just Bought The Presidency?" Romney (Willard says he's not going to run and, by God, I believe him! Just like I believed him when he said he cared about poor people...)

Of course, there's always room in the Klown Kar for one more...

Dr. Strangelove, or: John McCain Doesn't Know Anything About Anything

I've lived in Arizona for a long time...certainly much longer than Senator John McCain. I'll probably be here long after he's gone, too. And, if you put a gun to my head, I still couldn't name one thing he's done for the people of Arizona.

But even worse than his lack of any tangible legislative achievements is the faith that some media types seem to put in his foreign policy acumen. Let Vladimir Putin fart and there's McCain, expounding...

And he's always wrong. Always.

Remember "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran"? Remember "We're all Georgians now"? Remember his predictions about the Iraq War? Remember the Keating 5?

Here's McCain's curriculum vitae: He was a prisoner of war. Doesn't that mean that he fucked up on some fundamental level?  He survived imprisonment. That's his expertise.Then he dumped the first wife on her sickbed, married the young daughter of a wealthy liquor distributor, ran for a safe Republican seat in the House, and then, because the voters in Arizona get all mushy over a boy in uniform--regardless of their qualifications--he ascended to the Senate. The rest, as they say, is history. I will only add that with the first big, important decision he had to make as a Presidential candidate he gave us the gift that is Sarah Palin. Res ipsa loquitur.

None of this makes him an expert on anything, except opportunism.

Now, on the other hand, if you were casting a screwball comedy, McCain and his little buddy, Miss Lindsey Graham, would make a perfect couple: A bitter old man and a dithering hysteric.

Well, hell, I guess that's exactly what we're living through, though, isn't it?

A screwball comedy where the most ridiculous people are taken seriously.

2014 CPAC Roundup

Uh, let's see...

It was just a bunch of delusional, bigoted, reactionary, halfwit assholes vying with each other to see who could be the most delusional, bigoted, reactionary, halfwit asshole.

All for the entertainment of an audience of delusional, bigoted, reactionary, halfwit assholes.

That's about it. Oh, and God Bless America!

Political Notes From All Over

The other day, you could have sat and listened, with rapt attention no doubt, to Governor Jan "Chuck Tell Me What To Do" Brewer's State of the State address.

Or, you could have gone to the nearest dive bar, ordered whatever was on tap, and listened, with equally rapt attention no doubt, to the non-linear, rambling, semi-coherent mumblings of the drunk next to you.

Except for the occasional applause, the experience would have been essentially the same...

Brewer is from the "starve the beast" party, and that means that nothing comes before tax cuts. Nothing. And that means that little things like health care and education and protecting at risk children fall by the wayside. So reshuffle the chain of command all you want, but as long as you underfund everything, you are very likely to get exactly the same results.


Hey, is anyone really surprised that once a morbidly obese bully gets his tit caught in a wringer everyone he has ever bullied before can't wait to get even with him? Guess what--whatever bad happens to Chris Christie, he deserves it. There is a special place in Hell for those who prey on the weak. Maybe he can scream at the FBI and the Federal judges the way he screamed at that teacher. Fuck him.


Sarah Palin, inconsequential numbskull that she is, asked the president to "stop playing the race card." Note to the Cypher from Wasilla and all of her rabid acolytes, when a black person points out that some white people are racists, they are not "playing the race card". They are simply stating a fact.


Meanwhile, down in Dixie, a former Governor of Virginia stands accused of stuffing his pockets with "gifts" from wealthy donors. Boy, didn't see that one coming. But seriously, why else go into government in the first place if you can't profit from it? I mean, we're not commies here, are we? No, dammit, we're capitalists and that means everything has a price. And if a fellow can't expect to get money and jewelery and pharmaceuticals and vacations and clothes and catering for his daughter's wedding, well by God the right kind of people are going to stop running for office. And then where will we be?


Finally, those of you wondering where the next generation of Republican politicians was coming from need look no further than the Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity at Arizona State University. These are the boys who thought that the best way to observe Martin Luther King Jr. Day was by dressing "black", flashing gang signs, and drinking from watermelon cups. Because...well, you know, just harmless white mischief! I say fuck 'em. But the Grand Old Party recognizes potential candidates when they see them. Get some of that Koch money and run them boys for Congress!

2013 Year End Update

Where to begin?

How about with the fact that 1/3 of Americans don't believe in evolution? That's as good a place as any. Honestly, I would have thought it was more...Ignorance is one of those things we're still good at manufacturing here in Fortress America.

The Republican majority in our esteemed House of Representatives voted to repeal the Affordable Care Act over and over again. This was, of course, a purely symbolic gesture. Not unlike the band playing Nearer My God To Thee as the Titanic sank. Minor political afterthought Rick "Please don't google Santorum" Santorum even compared the Affordable Care Act to apartheid and, by implication, himself to Nelson Mandela, which seems a stretch. I will now pause briefly while you compare Rick Santorum to a steaming pile of horse shit. But hey, the people most hurt by insufficient (or no) health insurance are generally poor and if there's one thing our proudly "Christian" nation can do with the best of them is fuck over the less fortunate. I mean, it's right there in the Bible: "Every man for himself. Amen."

After the Seahawks lost to the Cardinals, a fellow up in Washington called Arizona a "desert racist wasteland" and folks down here got upset. To be fair, it is a desert--well, most of it anyway. But it can't be a wasteland! I mean, My God look at all the "championship" golf courses we have! Unless he meant "wasteland" in the T.S. Eliot sense...hmmm. And as for racist...well...uh, the majority of the people here really aren't racist. No, what they are is so apathetic and/or stupid that they let a bunch of racists run things. See, there's a difference...I think. Of course, the results are essentially the same, so...

Houses built in dried out forests, and by coastlines where hurricanes make yearly appearances, and in an area with the quaint--and descriptive--nickname of Tornado Alley, were burned, washed, and/or blown, away. Naturally, they will be rebuilt in more or less the exact same locations.

Despite the efforts of the usual gang of Republican chickenhawks, we are not at war with Syria or Iran. Yet.

A hillbilly duck call magnate said racist, sexist, and homophobic things. Really? Wow! Didn't see that one coming. His constitutional right to say racist, sexist, and homophobic things is not in dispute, and the likes of Sarah Palin jumping to his rescue was to be expected. No, what is truly amazing is that some people find him and his family entertaining?!? I suppose this goes hand in hand with that disbelief in evolution thing.

Many famous, talented, worthwhile people died. And still, Dick Cheney lives on...and on...and on...It's all so arbitrary.

Which is probably just as well, all things considered.

Happy New Year!

PS Don't drink and drive. Leave that to retired professional athletes. They have lots of practice.

Clown Time Is Not Over

I bet you're just as excited about 2016 as I am!

Chris Christie, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, Rick Santorum, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz! Wow!

I mean, really, Ted fucking Cruz?! Plus his wingnut daddy? Double Wow!

If we're lucky, maybe even Jeb "I'm The Smart One--No Really" Bush will crawl out of whatever Saudi's pocket he's in and throw his keffiyeh into the ring.

Just between you and me, despite the fawning press he receives, Chris Christie is still just a morbidly obese, loud mouthed bully. And the only explanation I've heard that makes any sense regarding his re-election is that blue state New Jersey has such a huge inferiority complex towards New York, that they are willing to forgive Christie's anti-union anti-teacher Republican crap because they desperately want someone who won't be pushed around by the Empire State. And it would take a bulldozer to push Chris Christie. You'd be better off trying to roll him.

The world has passed these people by, and they don't even know it.

Doesn't matter though, because crazy is the gift that keeps on giving. So we're going to get 3 years of "insider" speculation. And 3 years of Republicans attacking each other for not being "Republican" enough. And 3 years of Tea Party lunacy. Priceless.

Pass the popcorn.