Recently Decoded Top Secret Cable From V. Putin To B. al-Assad

Dear Bashar,

How are you? I am fine.

Look, no point beating around the bush, I have to ask you a big favor.

A friend of mine, code name Numbnuts, is in a pickle:

Americanski are beginning to figure out what happened in last election. This is not good for Numbnuts.

So, he needs distraction.

Would it be OK if he attacks one of your airfields? Shoots a few cruise missiles, beats his chest, rallies the more simple minded of his people, etc etc.

Have you ever seen movie "Wag The Dog"? It's good movie. I admire that DeNiro. The Jew Hoffman is good, too. And Woody Harrelson shows surprising dramatic depth. But I digress.

Of course you would be given advance warning of where and when so nothing important gets blowed up. Probably you get airfield operational again in a few hours. We are prepared to help if necessary.

So, it's a win win. Numbnuts gets to act like leader, you get to rail against Americanski aggression, Americanski defense contractors get to bill government for replacement cruise missiles, stock holders make a profit, Americanski newscasters get to put on trenchcoats and use their serious voices, and Americanski people get to be distracted from Numbnuts' treasonous activities.

And, naturally, Numbnuts won't do anything more until he clears it with me.

Thanks in advance. You're a good friend.

Regards to Mrs. Assad and all the little Assads.

Your pal,

V.

PS if you need any more Sarin gas, just ask. We have plenty!

"Just Say No"

Nancy Reagan will be remembered for three things: her glassy-eyed adoration of her husband, that little red dress, and "just say no", her contribution to the war on drugs.

"Just say no."

As a simple, easy to remember catch phrase, sure.

As a drug policy, not so much.

But it was all we got from the Gipper and Mrs. Gipper.

And that was the 80's in nutshell:

Rich, comfortable, smugly clueless people telling the rest of us to "just say no."

As the CIA helped flood black neighborhoods with crack cocaine to fund Ronnie's illegal war against the Contras.

As thousands of people died from AIDS, a disease that neither of them acknowledged until one of their own, Rock Hudson, contracted it.

As American trained death squads wandered around Central America, killing any leftists they could find.

As the Republican Party began its systematic dismantling of the American Middle Class.

And all the while trillions of dollars disappeared into the waiting maws of defense contractors.

It was Nancy's reactionary father who turned dear, simple Ronnie from an FDR Democrat to a fire breathing, red baiting, FBI informant Republican.

Weep for Nancy Reagan's passing? Let her family do that.

The rest of us should...

"Just say no."

The "Permanent War" Party

The President's Iran deal is bad because, well...

War is the only American export we can always rely on!

And if you take that away from us, and by us I mean our defense contractors, who will be able to bribe our congressmen at the level they've come to expect?

Besides the Koch brothers, I mean.

After all, steak dinners at The Palm don't pay for themselves.

Remember when old Ike warned us about the Military Industrial Complex? (Eisenhower, by the way, was our greatest general who never actually saw combat--which makes him a model for all Republican chickenhawks past, present and future.)

Of course, he warned us as he was going out the door. And after allowing 8 years of non-stop growth for the Complex and their good buddies over at the CIA.

But still...

Anyway, JFK, who had seen combat, was in the process of removing us from Vietnam and reaching out to both Cuba and the USSR when he went down to Dallas.

LBJ quickly undid all that. And some of his Texas buddies made a killing building military bases in Southeast Asia.

Nixon gave us more of the same in Vietnam. Though detente and the opening with China must have scared some of our war lovers silly. Ford was a cypher and a punchline. Carter started the supplying of the mujahedin. Reagan was a godsend for defense contractors, what with the Evil Empire, Iran-Contra, and Star Wars. Like pigs in slop. Old Bush had his war. Clinton was the best Republican president of my lifetime. Dumb Bush/Cheney was another godsend for the war machine, after September 11th gave us a shiny new enemy to carry us forward.

And Obama wants to take some--not all--but some of that, away!

What, is he crazy?

War is what we do best. We've had a lot of practice.

Thank God we have the brave (well, chickenhawk brave) men and women of the Republican Party, and their partners over at Fox News, to stand in the way of anything even remotely looking like peace.

The Big Stick

Apparently there are just two settings on the Republican Foreign Policy machine:

"Off" and "War".

Sounds like we'll be at war with Syria and Iran shortly after a Romney inauguration. That would be payback to Sheldon Adelson. (As if the multi-billion dollar tax break wasn't enough.)

After all, got to keep Sheldon happy and that means keeping Israel (with her nuclear arsenal that no one is supposed to mention) safe.

And anybody else who dares look at us cross-eyed better watch it, too. You hear me Libya, Yemen, Tunisia, Egypt?

But not, of course, Saudi Arabia. Because even though they fund the most anti-American forms of fundamentalist Islam all around the world, and even though most of the 9-11 hijackers were Saudis, they are our friends. And we take care of our friends.

What about Russia and China? Fuck 'em! Had about enough of those commie bastards. They'll get with the program or feel the Wrath of Willard!

Remember that Randy Newman song, Political Science? "Let's drop the big one and see what happens." Yeah, something like that.

This will be extremely good news for the defense contractors. Time to order that new Bentley and start shopping for the Maui beach house again! Hooray!

Not so good news for the poor bastards in the military. Or their families.

But they're just grist for the mill, after all.

Besides, they won't be able to afford student loans after Mitt's banker friends get a hold of them, and there aren't going to be any jobs under the "outsourcing President" anyway, so it's just as well. Might as well enlist, huh?

Expendable is the word I'm looking for.

And, whatever happens, Mitt's kids won't be in harm's way, that's for sure. So it's all good!