The Real Problem

The real problem isn't that we have semi-human scum like Lauren "Handjob" Boebert, Marjorie Taylor "Calling Me Trailor Park Is An Insult To Trailor Parks" Greene, Andy "I Haven't Been Indicted Yet" Biggs, David "My Own Family Hates Me" Schweikert, Paul "What's Shakin?" Gosar, Jim "Let's Wrestle" Jordan, Matt "Venmo" Gaetz, James "There Is No Nickname You Can Give Me That Captures How Truly Loathsome I Am" Comer, Mike "It's In The Bible" Johnson, Virginia "Hateful Old Thing" Fox, John "Cornpone" Kennedy, Rand "In Putin's Pocket" Paul, Marco "Tiny Man Tinier Brain" Rubio, Rick "Medicare Fraud Hall Of Fame" Scott, and all the rest of those Republican assholes in Congress.

This is a big country, after all, and there are plenty of meretricious grifters. In fact, you might even say that meretricious grifting is one of our founding principles.

No, the problem is that there are millions of people willing to vote, over and over and over again, for these clowns.

After they have proven, time after time, that they have no interest at all in governing. They just want to perform.

Put on a little show for the cameras. Put on a little show for Traitor Don. Put on a little show for Putin and the Big Money Boys.

Maybe get some airtime on Fox "News". Or NewsMax, or OAN, or any of those other channels that only certifiable idiots watch.

But they are so fucking bad at it! I mean small town community theater BAD.

Every time they're certain that they have a gotcha question, an "ah hah!" moment, or a witness that will reveal everything...it inevitably blows up in their faces.

Every. Single. Time.

At this point, only a moron would fall for their schtick.

That's the real problem.

TOO MANY MORONS.

And apparently there's not a goddamned thing we can do about it, except cross our fingers and hope that the next CoVid surge thins out the herd a little.

No, not a little. 

A Lot.

Seriously, How Hard Is It To Condemn Nazis?

You would think that this is a no-brainer.

And, since it requires literally "no brain", it should be right up the Republicans' alley.

Alas, you would be wrong. Terribly wrong.

Nazis, who sane people recognize as the worst humanity has to offer, are marching all over Florida, a state with a Republican governor, two Republican U.S. Senators, and a majority of Republican U.S. Representatives.

None of whom can even pretend to be morally offended by this.

Let us be clear on this: people who don't condemn Nazis, loudly and repeatedly, are shit stains.

Of course, this shouldn't come as too much of a surprise. 

After all, Governor Ron DeSantis has single-handedly reduced the entire education system of Florida, from pre-K to University, into a fucking sick joke. Senator Rick Scott still holds the record for Medicare fraud, Senator Marco Rubio, who at one time seriously thought he could be President (hold for laughter) needs help drinking from a small water bottle, and the state's most famous Congressman is Matt Gaetz. Uh huh.

Shit stains all.

Honestly, it doesn't take a lot of sense or courage to denounce Nazis. 

However, it does take a bit of human decency, which is obviously more than any of them have.

To be fair, Nazis are still a reliable Republican voting block, so this could simply be a case of not wanting to offend your base.

Bumperstickers For Potential Republican Presidential Candidates

Since the average Republican's attention span is very short, it's extremely important for all Republican candidates to have short, pithy, easily remembered, bumpersticker length, catch phrases to sear into their fans' tiny little brains:

Trump: I'll Keep The Darkies In Line!

Cruz: Rush Loves Me!

Kasich: I'm Still In This Thing, Right?

Trump: Heads Will Roll!

Cruz: Jesus Loves Me, Too!

Kasich: I'm Here If You Need Me!

Trump: You Think Keeping All These Lies Straight Is Easy? Ha!

And who can forget, try as we might, the also rans:

Rubio: Help! I've Repeatedly Fallen And I Can't Get Up!
Jeb: Remember All The Fun We Had When A Bush Was President?!
Christie: If A Morbidly Obese Lying Bully Is What You Want, I'm Your Man!
Carson: I'm An Idiot. Vote For Me and You Can Be An Idiot Too!
Carly: Golden Parachutes For Everybody!

But of course, for the true blue believers there is only one who touches the blackest corner of their hearts:

Trump: No, Really, I'll Keep the Darkies In Line!

You Can Do This Or You Can Do That

You can go see Michael Moore's new documentary, Where To Invade Next, and see how intelligent, reasonable people deal with issues.

Or...

You can watch any Republican candidate talking, shouting, whining, et cetera, and see how panderers cajole drooling imbeciles into a mindless frenzy.

You choose.

The Voice Inside Jeb Bush's Head

"Why am I doing this? I hate this. They told me it would be easy. They told me it would be a slam dunk. We nominate you. You win the general. We're back in business! All that gerrymandering. All those rigged voting machines. Jeb, it's in the bag! It's in the bag. That's what they said.

Now, here I am. Behind three clowns. No. Four clowns. Jesus Christ. Who am I ahead of? Anybody?

And I have to ask my goddamn big brother, who is, let's face it, an idiot, to help me. Because why? Because people like him? Like him? Do any of you morons remember the glorious W years? Any of you? I say this with all the brotherly love I can muster. My big bro is an epic fuck-up. Sometimes I really regret stealing Florida for him in 2000. Because he fucking poisoned the well for me. He and Cheney.

But now, I'm married to him. I have to pretend the Iraq War was a great idea. I have to pretend that somebody else was President on 9-11. Is it any wonder I don't seem too enthused? Is it any wonder I don't have that 'fire in the belly'? Remember 'Mission Accomplished'? Try dragging that around with you. Yup, that's my brother's gift to me.

And my Mom. 'We've had enough Bushes.' Thanks Ma. Thanks loads. That was a great way to kick off my campaign. Good to know where I rate in this family.

Four clowns. Trump, Cruz, that ungrateful little prick Rubio, and the black guy. Sleepytime. What's his name? Carson? Supposed to be a doctor or something. Fuck.

So here I am down in Dixie, begging a bunch of inbred mouth breathers who are still whining about the Civil War to please, please, vote for me, y'all.

OK. We'll let it play out. There's still a few million bucks to blow through, after all. And if the good voters of the Republican Party decide they want that gasbag Trump, that oily serpent Cruz, or those other guys more than me, then fine. Just fine.

Why am I doing this? I hate this."

God's Glory, And All That Jazz

Let's assume for a moment, for the sake of argument, and against all available information, that there is something, somewhere, resembling God.

All powerful, all seeing, open all night.

The Big Man.

Or Big Woman, for that matter

Who can be sure, after all?

Does anyone really think that any conceivable Supreme Being would care whether either Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio believed in Him/Her/It?

Let alone whether they thanked Him/Her/It for their paltry political successes?

But, hey, let's say I'm wrong.

Sooner or later The Almighty, The Big Whatever Upstairs, will have to choose a favorite.

When that happens, one of those boys will be very, very disappointed in his Lord and Savior.

And then, trust me, there will be Hell to pay.

Why Anyone Cares About Iowa Is Beyond Me

Regarding where America is headed, I'm sure there must be less representative states than Iowa...

I just can't think of any at the moment--certainly none that have so much importance placed on their Presidential caucuses/primaries.

And yet, entire political careers have been and will be wrecked* because of a poor showing with the mostly white, mostly rural, mostly Christian, mostly conservative voters of this mostly inconsequential state.

I know we are essentially creatures of habit...but come on!

The Latino vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The black vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The youth vote won't mean anything in Iowa. The gay vote won't mean anything in Iowa.

And the women vote won't mean much.

Other than that, Iowa is completely representative of the American populace in 2016.

Uh huh.

*For the sake of this argument the fact that most of those wrecked careers deserved to be wrecked should be set aside.

More Republican Debate Demands

Laugh track.

Applause signs.

No "gotcha" questions. No hard questions. No questions. Just let us talk. That's what the American people want.

Don't look at us like that.

A choir.

When we lie, and we all will lie, repeatedly, don't you dare say anything.

Cool graphics. Like the Avengers.

Something to keep Carson from nodding off.

I said don't look at us like that!

More yooge. More fantastic. More winning.

Treat us with the respect we deserve.

As long as Jeb is still in the race, don't mention his brother.

(Note: find out if Jeb is still in the race)

Something for Marco Rubio to stand on. A stool, a phone book. Something.

Absolutely no fact checkers. For what are "facts" really? Just some so called "expert's" opinion.

Soft focus for Carly.

Trump's hair wants its own trailer.

Since nobody wants to stand next to Cruz, maybe we can green-screen him in.

Audience vetted by Fox News, the Koch brothers, and/or the KKK.

When we lie, and we all will lie, repeatedly, try to keep a straight face.

Republican Debate Recap

To be honest with you--and hey, why not?--I didn't watch any of it.

Nope. Couldn't do it.

Life is way too short to waste even a moment of it on that kind of nonsense.

But from what I've heard and read from the various post mortems, Jeb! is dead and Rubio is rising!

To which I respond, who gives a shit?

They are, essentially, the same guy, with the same lame "ideas". The only difference is, one of them can take a punch and the other can't. Neither will be President.

No, the most important thing that came out of this particular debate is that the moderators apparently asked "unfair" questions!!!!

All the esteemed candidates whined about it, so it must be true.

Even Reince Priebus said so, and if you can't trust a guy with a name from a Pixar movie, who can you trust?

How rude of those CNBC bastards! Don't they know that these are essentially infomercials for a product?

And infomercials never delve too deeply.

It is enough that they say they will build a border wall and get Mexico to pay for it, deport 11 million people, replace Obamacare with something better, make the tax system fair for all, reduce the size of the government, save Social Security and Medicare, restore order to the Middle East by starting another war, make Putin respect, nay fear, the United States, put a chicken or two in every pot and an assault rifle in every closet, create jobs, keep the darkies in line, and return us to the Utopia America that was stolen by the evil socialist liberals, all this while cutting taxes for the wealthy.

Only a miserable cur would dare to ask "how will you do these things?"

That sort of "gotcha" question is simply not fair. Where are their manners? For one thing, it is the height of elitism to confront a fool with his foolishness. For another, it interrupts the flow of the pointless soundbites.

Besides, we all know that reality has a noted liberal bias. So away with it.

No, arrogant East Coast media smarty pants, you'll just have to trust the candidates.

And have a little faith that they do indeed have wonderful, in some cases even yoooge and sparkly, solutions to all of our problems!

After all, why would they lie to us?

The Big Tent

You can't say the Republicans aren't the party of diversity.

Right now they've got a black fool, a female fool, two Hispanic fools, a bunch of white male fools, probably including a closeted gay fool, all running for President of these here United States.

Take your pick!

Go on, choose.

But be prepared to hear science denied, every minority offended, lies about their business accomplishments, immigrants demonized, war and more war promoted, the disenfranchisement of millions of people applauded, the prospect of healthcare being taken away from millions more equally applauded, the despised poor ground beneath their boots, the incessant meddling in women's personal lives, and the non stop worship of the almighty gun.

You know, the family values, take our country back, stuff the GOP is so fond of.

Defining Deviancy Down

You're probably thinking, "Boy, there sure are a lot of Republicans who think they're qualified to be President of the United States of America!"

And then, after you stop laughing, you're probably thinking, "But none of them are! Not really. Not one!"

Here's the problem: after 8 years of George W. Bush, the bar was set sooooo low that anyone in the GOP with more than two functioning brain cells thought "Hey, if he was President, I could be President, too! Cool!"

Thank you, Simple W.

And then, because a (gasp) black man was elected, twice, (hahaha), the racist part of those dimly functioning brains thought, "Hey, I'm white! That automatically makes me superior to any non-white person. I should be President! Cool!"

It is a perfect storm of stupid, and hubris, and white privilege all twirling together that gives us people like Trump, Bush, Cruz, Santorum, Rubio, Perry, Graham, Kasich, Christie, and Walker.

Frankly, there is no rational explanation for Carly Fiorina or Bobby Jindal. Other than being purely delusional, that is.

And as for Ben Carson, well, a little too much surgical nitrous oxide is my guess. He's flat tripping.

Live From The Monkey House!

I've never witnessed this, but reliable sources tell me that monkeys and apes in captivity frequently hurl their feces at human spectators.

Now, I don't know how you feel about Charles Darwin and that whole descent of man/origin of the species thing, but I am sure that that behavior is exactly what we can expect from the Republican debates.

And I, for one, can't wait!

PS Don't sit too close to the stage.

Field Guide To The 2016 Republican Presidential Candidates

Marco "Don't Forget To Hydrate!" Rubio

Jeb "I'm The Smart One--No Really!" Bush. (Honestly, in that family, he just might be. But isn't that very much like being the tallest pygmy?)

Mike "Hey, I Got To Jam With Ted Nugent!" Huckabee

Chris "What Do You Mean Lard Isn't A Food Group?" Christie

Sarah "I'm Still Here And I'm Still Babbling Incoherently" Palin

Scott "Ruining A State Is Just The Beginning" Walker

Ted "Living Proof The Ivy League Isn't All It's Cracked Up To Be" Cruz

Rick "The Glasses Make Me Look Smarter, Right?" Perry

Rand "Fill In The Blank" Paul ("I mean, really, I'll say whatever you want me to say. Just tell me what you want me to say.") AKA Rand "I Honestly Can't Open My Mouth Without Saying Something Stupid--God Knows I've Tried" Paul

Ben "Being A Surgeon Requires Less Intelligence Than You'd Think" Carson

Donald "If I Were A Human Being I'd Be Appalled By Me" Trump

Willard Mitt "Wouldn't It Be Easier If I Just Bought The Presidency?" Romney (Willard says he's not going to run and, by God, I believe him! Just like I believed him when he said he cared about poor people...)

Of course, there's always room in the Klown Kar for one more...

Today's Quiz

Get your pencils ready:

If and when the Supremes destroy the Affordable Care Act, A) how are the insurance companies going to react to losing all of those paying customers? and B) how will the Republicans explain to some of their supporters why they don't, and perhaps can't, have insurance anymore?

300 words or less, and remember punctuation and spelling are always important.

Extra credit: who do you think will win in the fight between Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, and all those old Cubans who got run out of their own country 50 years ago on one side, and every U.S. corporation licking its chops over doing business in Cuba on the other?

Oooh Baby!

I don't know why the Republicans get so turned on by dictators.

It would probably take the combined insight of Sigmund Freud, Carl Jung, and Lorraine Bracco to figure it out.

Maybe it's the idea of completely ignoring the people you govern, or any kind of open debate, and just doing what you want. Maybe it's that whole law and order thing taken to the nth degree. Maybe they all have Daddy issues. Or Mommy issues. Or maybe they're all just fascists at heart...

Whatever it is, the sight of Vlad Putin's hairless chest has caused some sort of meltdown in our reactionary friends.

Which means that Chris Christie better hit the gym right now if he wants to have any chance at all of getting the nomination of the Grim Old Party in 2016. He's already got the Putin bluster--now he needs the Putin pecs. Here's a thought: a few months on a diet of federal prison food might take off a lot of that Jersey blubber. They have weights there, too.

The same holds true for the pasty twins, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. Sorry boys, but you're just a little too flabby to make hearts flutter. Time to put down the collected works of Ayn Rand, and pick up the P90x. Ditto Jeb Bush. Your country, and by that I mean the Confederate States of America, needs you.

Now Paul Ryan--he might be the complete Republican package. He spends a lot of time in the gym. His policies are all specious crap. And he acts like a total dick, too. But he seems a little short on the bluster.

I wonder, do Rush Limbaugh and Bill O'Reilly give lessons?

Clown Time Is Not Over

I bet you're just as excited about 2016 as I am!

Chris Christie, Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, Rick Santorum, Rand Paul, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz! Wow!

I mean, really, Ted fucking Cruz?! Plus his wingnut daddy? Double Wow!

If we're lucky, maybe even Jeb "I'm The Smart One--No Really" Bush will crawl out of whatever Saudi's pocket he's in and throw his keffiyeh into the ring.

Just between you and me, despite the fawning press he receives, Chris Christie is still just a morbidly obese, loud mouthed bully. And the only explanation I've heard that makes any sense regarding his re-election is that blue state New Jersey has such a huge inferiority complex towards New York, that they are willing to forgive Christie's anti-union anti-teacher Republican crap because they desperately want someone who won't be pushed around by the Empire State. And it would take a bulldozer to push Chris Christie. You'd be better off trying to roll him.

The world has passed these people by, and they don't even know it.

Doesn't matter though, because crazy is the gift that keeps on giving. So we're going to get 3 years of "insider" speculation. And 3 years of Republicans attacking each other for not being "Republican" enough. And 3 years of Tea Party lunacy. Priceless.

Pass the popcorn.

"Is There No One Else?"

The various Republican responses to the State of the Union speech brought something sharply into focus: Every time the Grand Oligarch's Party sends someone out to debate, attack, or counter President Obama, I'm reminded of a scene from Troy.

Early in the movie, Achilles (Brad Pitt), is to battle, mano y mano, with the best the other side has to offer. Of course, because he's Achilles and Brad Pitt,  he dispatches his larger, seemingly more powerful rival with shocking ease and an almost carefree nonchalance. Then, he stands facing the rest of the enemy army and says, challenging and mocking them in the same breath, "Is there no one else? Is there no one else?"

Mitt "I Really Didn't Want To Be President Anyway" Romney?

Marco "Always Remember To Hydrate" Rubio?

Rand "Yes, By God, I Believe This Shit!" Paul?

John "Weepy" Boehner?

Mitch "Corn Pone" McConnell?

John "Did I Mention I Was A POW?" McCain?

Lindsey "Belle of the South" Graham?

"Is there no one else?"