Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Let Me Hear You Say "Oink!"

So Joni Ernst, the GOP's official hog castrator (better watch out Chris Christie, you too Jeb!), and self proclaimed fiscal conservative, comes from a family that received $460,000 in Federal subsidies...Hmmm.

I am, of course, shocked, shocked, to hear of this.

Not hard scrabble Joni and her plastic bag shoes? Say it ain't so!

This isn't welfare, of course. Nothing like that. We all know that welfare only benefits them. And we know who they are, don't we? Sure we do.

Naturally, the hypocrisy of this is only evident to non-Republicans.

Apparently, not unlike the old "whites only" drinking fountains of dear old Dixie, the Federal trough has an invisible sign above it that says "Republicans Only".

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

A Civics Test

I never would have guessed that the most pressing issue facing the great state of Arizona was insuring that our high school seniors couldn't graduate unless they passed a civics test.

But it must have been, because that's the first thing that ol Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone?" Ducey and the big brains down at the state legislature did.

Now, to guarantee that this isn't just another of those Red State Bullshit Approach To Education* things, like, say, teaching that "creationism" is as valid as evolution, or that slavery wasn't such a bad thing after all, and that it won't make the great state of Arizona a national laughing stock--yet again--we should insist that the following passage be included in all instruction materials provided to Civics teachers statewide:

How A Bill Becomes A Law: first, the lobbyists representing some rich guy are informed by the rich guy's lawyers that a new way to fuck over people and loot the public treasury has been discovered! Then, after the lawyers and lobbyists have carefully crafted a bill that will allow the rich guy to fuck over people and loot the public treasury in this new way, this bill is presented to one of our trustworthy lawmakers, who has been carefully selected for his ability to say insanely absurd things with a straight face. The legislator then happily presents it to the legislature, while pretending to be its author. Then the rich guy's lobbyists wine and dine, et cetera,  and so on**, enough other legislators to pass the bill. Finally, the Governor, who has been anxiously waiting, carefully tucked in the rich guy's pocket with pen in hand, happily signs the bill into law!

*Red State Bullshit Approach To Education is a registered trademark of the Republican Party. Any unlawful use will be punished to the full extent of all applicable laws

**"Et cetera, and so on" are understood to include tickets to the Big Game or the Big Show, vacations, the ever popular "large donation to your next election campaign", and in some special cases, simple brown paper bags full of small bills with non-sequential serial numbers.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

More Of The Same

So Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone" Ducey, just the kind of level-headed, free market businessman we need to set Arizona straight, gave his first little speech to our esteemed legislature yesterday.

It went on and on and people actually applauded!

Because life is short, and empty Republican rhetoric is endless, I will distill Ducey's address for you into a few brief words: no new taxes, won't pay what public schools have legally coming to them, will help charter schools in anyway possible, it's morning in Arizona, and the state is open for business!

One of the most amazing things I've seen in my life is the way that Arizona Republicans can act like they just got here, and by God, they're gonna clean this mess up!

The truth is that the Republican Party has been running Arizona (into the ground) nonstop for more than 30 years.

All of the wreckage we see around us, the sorry state of public education, the unregulated "anyone can start a" charter school fun house, the low wage economy, the huge deficits, the tax cuts upon tax cuts that never do anything but make wealthy people wealthier and the state poorer, the for-profit-prison industry sucking up any available funds, all of this is because of--not in spite of--Republican policy.

But hey, I'm sure it will be different this time....

Thursday, January 8, 2015

Keep 'Em Poor And Stupid... And Desperate

That my friends, is the entire economic policy of your Republican Party.

A) Let's do away with the minimum wage.

B) Let's get rid of OSHA, the EPA, the FDA, and all those pesky regulations.

C) Let's shred the safety net.

D) Let's destroy the unions.

E) Let's gut public education.

F) Let's privatize Social Security.

G) All of the above.

We need lots of uneducated, desperate people, willing to work for anything, and in any conditions.

That's what our bosses want, and that's what we're going to give them!

Oh, and God Bless America!