metatag

Sunday, July 16, 2017

Signor Baseball's "What The Hell Is Going On Here?" Sort Of Midseason MLB Update

Lots of crazy stuff going on here.

A couple of teams having great years. A handful of teams having awful years, including a perennial contender. Some good teams, and a whole lot of mediocre teams.

In the NL West, the Diamondbacks are much better than I thought they'd be and the Giants are simply bad. The former will still fade--I think. That pitching staff just isn't very deep. And the Dodgers are simply better than they are. But, with so many teams having indifferent years in the NL, Arizona may have a chance at a Wild Card slot. For San Francisco, losing their best pitcher to a stupid accident hurt them badly, but not "20 games out of first place" badly. Too many other players are having off years, and all at the same time. Which happens sometimes. The Rockies are also playing well above projections, but their fade will be more precipitous than the D-Backs.

In the Central, Chicago has been struggling all year, but they still have the best team and should come out on top. St. Louis is the only team with a realistic chance to keep pace with them. Milwaukee has been in first practically the whole season, but the Brewers just don't look like a legitimate contender to me and the Pirates, though they put a very solid lineup on the field, continue to have undependable pitching.

And in the NL East, injuries have doomed the Mets, and the Braves and Marlins just aren't good enough, so it looks like smooth sailing for the Nationals...until the playoffs, when I anticipate another melt down. However, if Scherzer and Strasburg get hot at the same time they could carry the team to the Series, just as Johnson and Schilling did for the Diamondbacks way back when.

In the AL East, the Yankees have a lot of good young bats, but are still sporting a less than stellar, prone to injury, pitching staff. Unless they can come up with some dependable arms via trade, I don't see them catching Boston, though they may have enough to grab a Wild Card berth. The same thing applies to the rest of the division, though Toronto has been a huge disappointment so far.

In the Central, Cleveland should hold on to first, barring any major injuries. Kansas City and Minnesota have an outside chance at a Wild Card, though both are currently mired close to .500. The Royals are the more likely of the two to rise from there.

Houston has run away from the rest of the West. At this point the Astros are the best team in the AL by far, and it would take a catastrophic collapse for anybody to catch them. With so much of the league languishing in mediocrity, Los Angeles, Seattle and Texas all have a shot at one of the Wild Card slots.

By my count there are 9 teams in both leagues that still are contenders for the Wild Cards. Which should make for a very interesting August and September...


Sunday, July 9, 2017

"Republican" Is Now Officially A Synonym For Traitor

And for their 30 pieces of silver (it was probably hundreds of millions if not a couple billion, but since our country is rapidly devolving into a oligarchic theocracy I thought I'd better practice using a biblical reference) the Russians were able to buy themselves an American president!

And his nominal Party, too!

Who says there are no bargains anymore?! You just have to know how to shop...

The most powerful and richest country on the face of the earth is now essentially a vassal state of Russia.

And our so-called President is a puppet of Vladimir Putin. Nice, huh?

And all those Republican "patriots" who wrap themselves in the flag and the Bible at the drop of a hat...where are they now?

Why, they're making excuses for Der Trump, of course! Remember, he's "new at this."

As long as they're free to implement all of their regressive, stupid, and downright cruel policies, Trump can do whatever he wants to dismantle the various alliances of the free world, up to and including handing over state secrets to his boyfriend Vlad.

There's a word for that kind of behavior:

Treason. As practiced by traitors.


Sunday, July 2, 2017

The Checklist

Uh, let's see...

Racist swine running the Department of Justice?

Check!

Russian stooge oilman in charge of the State Department?

Check!

Climate change denier seeing how quickly he can destroy the EPA?

Check!

Moron fronting the Department of Energy?

Check!

Unqualified fool running HUD?

Check!

Supreme Court appointee turning out to be just exactly the kind of reactionary piece of shit we thought he would be?

Check!

Clueless piece of billionaire scum dismantling the Department of Education?

Check!

Influence peddling slumlord son-in-law "solving" the Israeli-Palestinian issue and "fixing" government?

Check!

Beloved (in a creepy, backwoods' way, of course) daughter cashing in at every opportunity?

Check!

Republican controlled Congress set to dismantle over 100 years of progressive legislation?

Check!

Nazi sympathizers, Russian agents, white supremacists etc, scuttling around the White House?

Check!

So called "President" using the office to pocket any pennies he can get his tiny hands on, from whatever source?

Check!


Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Health Care Isn't Really That Complicated

Countries all around the world have more effective, more efficient, and much CHEAPER, health care than we do.

England, France, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Finland, Canada, Germany, Australia, for example.

If we weren't so stuck in our arrogance, our mythical American exceptionalism, our so-called "leaders" kowtowing to insurance companies and Big Pharma, and, most of all, our ridiculous fear of anything labelled "socialism", we could have a perfectly functioning national health care system that covers every U. S. citizen from cradle to grave.

Just by simply copying anyone of the aforementioned countries' systems. It ain't that hard.

But half of our elected officials (hint: they all have R's by their names) just don't give a damn about the majority of our citizens. Because they only care about the people who have money to contribute to their re-election campaigns. And those people only care about keeping their own taxes low.

So we, the richest country in the world, have to stumble along, seemingly forever, with a very expensive piecemeal system that is totally inadequate for the vast majority of our citizens.

USA! USA! USA!

Wednesday, June 21, 2017

A New Name

There's a line in a Woody Allen movie (can't remember which), spoken by Max Von Sydow, that I've always cherished:

As I recall, Von Sydow's character says, "If Christ ever came back, he probably couldn't stop vomiting."

That about sums up my feelings for all the "good Christians" who voted for Trump.

Those poor fundamentalist knuckleheads who feel like they're being persecuted. Boo hoo.

It's one thing to believe in fairy tales. It's another thing to insist that everyone else believe with you. And it's still another to use your "faith" to spread hatred, bigotry, bile, and overwhelming stupidity.

Even though most of what you "know" about him was cobbled together many years, in some cases centuries, after the fact, and has no connection whatsoever to whatever life he might have led, poor old Jesus still deserves better than this.

So, do your boy Jesus a favor and change your name from Christians to something else, OK?

Saturday, June 10, 2017

Yet Another Fable, Part 1

And so the Master Negotiator, the winner, the sporter of superior genes, the self-proclaimed multi-billionaire, found himself in a pickle.

After so many bankruptcies--none of which were his fault, of course--no major American bank would loan him a penny!

Now, you might think that a truly master negotiator would be able to work something out with Chase, or B of A, or Wells Fargo, or Citi, or somebody...

But the banks had all been burned by one or more of his bankruptcies, and so they told the Master Negotiator, the winner, the self-proclaimed multi-billionaire, "NO!"

Of course, he could've used some of his own multi-billions, couldn't he?

Hmmmm? Couldn't he? Does Warren Buffet have to borrow money? Does Bill Gates?

But the first rule of grifters everywhere is "never use your own money". (That is, if you have any money of your own.)

And so the Master Negotiator turned elsewhere...

Lo and behold, some nice Russian "businessmen" (hahaha) had some money, lots of money, and they were more than happy to help the Master Negotiator out!

Naturally, there were "terms" attached to these loans. When you borrow money there are always terms. And, depending on the lender, the larger the amount borrowed, the more onerous the terms may be.

But the Master Negotiator had never had to suffer the consequences of any of his many failures, and so, why not take the Russians' money?

Why not indeed?


Monday, June 5, 2017

What Kathy Griffin Should Say:

So I did something that I thought was funny, and it turns out that to many people it wasn't. Welcome to my entire career.

So it offended a lot of you. Oops. That happens in comedy sometimes. Get over it.

To put this all into perspective, Google all the things Donald Trump's asshole buddy (and White House guest) Ted Nugent said about President Obama and Hillary Clinton.

I may be a c-list comedian, struggling to be a mini-Joan Rivers, (who, by the way, said some truly awful things about Michelle Obama), but at least I never committed treason.

And as far as damaging little Barron Trump, wait until he's old enough to realize who his father is, all the awful things his father has said and done, just exactly what family he's a member of, and what the Trump name means to a majority of Americans and people around the world, and then talk to me about "damaging" poor little Barron with a distasteful sight gag.

Thursday, June 1, 2017

It's The Hypocrisy, Stupid (Continued)

Remember when deficits were an awful, awful, indeed the most awful, thing?

And then, suddenly, they weren't!

And then, sure enough, suddenly, they were again.

But now...well, you get the idea.

Remember how certain people screamed that Obama shouldn't do anything in Syria without Congressional approval? Uh huh.

Remember how "scandalous" it was when Obama wore a (gasp) tan suit?

Or when Mrs. Obama touched the Queen of England?

Oh, and the birth certificate!!! What about the birth certificate?!

These were all big deals, you might even say yooge deals, for the Loudmouth Right Wing Asshole Club. The Limbaughs and Hannitys and O'Reillys brayed and brayed, their beady little eyes gleaming, their devoted listeners sucking up every lie like mother's milk.

But now we have a so called President up to his many chins in treasonous activities. A Mob friendly, pathological liar in a baggy suit, clown makeup, and a  fright wig. A White House full of Nazis and Russian fellow travelers, a Cabinet made up of crooks and incompetents, and nary a peep from those Republican "patriots" who regularly wet themselves over Obama's perceived transgressions.

If it weren't for their fealty to complete hypocrisy, the GOP wouldn't have any moral code at all.

Saturday, May 27, 2017

Pariah Nation

Used to be that the nations known as "pariahs" had tin pot despots running them.

You know,  Amin's Uganda, Qaddafi's Libya,  Duvalier's Haiti, Hussein's Iraq, Marco's Philippines, Assad's Syria, and North Korea under whomever.

All of these places were/are characterized by wide spread corruption, disregard for human rights and the rule of law, brutality towards anyone who appeared to challenge them, kleptocracy, plutocracy, and, of course, rampant nepotism by the ruling families.

Any of that sound familiar?

There was a time when we sneered at despots, decried their awful deeds, and by example tried to lead the civilized world.

Hahaha. That was then, this is now.

We, the good ol' US, are now officially a pariah nation.

Let's go down the check list:

Ignore Climate Change? You better believe it! As long as there's a drop of fossil fuel to be sold, Global Warming is just an "unproven theory".

Universal Health Care? Na. Too hard. Too complicated. Too, uh, "socialist".

Religious persecution? Yep. Certainly if you're a Jew or a Muslim or a non-believer. Those swastikas don't spray paint themselves!

Kleptocracy?  All of those proposed tax cuts for the rich? Selling off public lands to the highest bidders? The Republicans would take the pennies off a dead man's eyes and replace them with vouchers.

Oligarchy? Have you seen Der Trump's appointments? A rainbow coalition of rich, white, mostly males, with dollar signs where their consciences should be.

Rampant nepotism? Are you kidding? It's only a measure of how little Der Trump cares for Tiffany that she isn't at least a trusted advisor, perhaps even a cabinet member by now.

Admire, and even buddy up to, the scum of the earth? Our Piece of Shit in Chief is overly fond of other Pieces of Shit, like the Philippines' Duterte, who is nothing more or less than a psychopathic murderer. Then there's Der Trump's bromances with the likes of Putin, Sisi, Erdogan, and the entire House of Saud. Assholes always seek out other assholes. It's a law of nature.

To be fair, so far the Trump administration hasn't jailed or murdered any journalists or dissidents.

So far...

Wednesday, May 24, 2017

Signor Music's Favorite Rock Guitarists Of All-Time!!!!

Because we are all sick to death of politics and worrying about just how awful the next few months and years will be, (hint: pretty fucking awful--unless you're a rich, white male), herein follows my highly subjective list of favorite rock guitarists:

1. Jimi Hendrix

2. Bill Nelson

3. Pete Townshend

4. Mick Ronson

5. Prince

6. Neil Young

And then in no particular order: Joe Walsh, Jeff Beck, George Harrison, David Gilmour, Mark Knopfler, Mike Campbell, Brian May, Billy Gibbons, Tom Verlaine, Paul McCartney, Mick Jones (Clash), Martin Barre, the Edge, Steve Hunter, Dick Wagner, Phil Manzanera, David Hidalgo, Nils Lofgren, John Lennon, Dave Davies, Ron Wood, Richard Thompson, Mike McCready and Stone Gossard, Robin Trower, Lindsay Buckingham, and Bruce Springsteen.

(I have to admit here that I haven't really liked Eric Clapton much since Cream, and, despite his obvious virtuosity, I never liked Jimmy Page much at all. The same applies to Eddie Van Halen.)

And, of course, we can't forget Chuck Berry, because quite simply there wouldn't be rock and roll without him.

Saturday, May 20, 2017

Today's Post Is Brought To You By The Letter "T"

T is for Taken

T is for Tension

T is for Tawdry

T is for Turmoil

T is for Terrible

T is for Treachery

T is for Tool

T is for Tragedy

T is for Terror

T is for Treason

T is for Traitor

T is for Turd

T is for Trump

Monday, May 15, 2017

Stream Of Unconsciousness

The bad acid trip that is the so called Trump "Presidency" continues...

There was (and perhaps is, my subscription to Obituaries Daily having lapsed) a comedian named Professor Irwin Corey.

He spoke highly educated, or at least seemingly highly educated, nonsense.

It was entertaining. But it was also complete nonsense.

Of course, Corey knew he was speaking nonsensical double talk.

And that's what makes him, dead or alive, more qualified to be President of the United States than Donald J. Trump.

It's really something to have a blithering imbecile leading the most powerful nation on the face of the earth.

At least for the time being.

When the indictments start coming, and come they will, Trump may find that he can't incoherently tweet his way out of them.

There will then be a desperate search for multiple fall guys...because nothing is ever DonDon's fault.

However, since there is very little honor amongst thieves, after that fails, perhaps a nice long stay in a federal prison is in order for some of the Trump family. And RICO all of their assets.

Until that glorious day comes, all we can do is sit back and enjoy the daily psychedelic word salad tweets that make Sarah Palin sound almost sane.

And hope that they've hidden the nuclear football from Der Trump.

Friday, May 12, 2017

Nothing Is Ever Donald J. Trump's Fault

It is an amazing thing to reach the age of 70 without ever making a mistake.

All those bankruptcies? Other guys' fault.

The various marriages? Bitches be crazy.

Mob ties? Russian ties? Russian Mob ties? Other dubious foreign loans? Money laundering on an epic scale? Hey, that's just business, and no one is better at business than Donald J. Trump.

The most incompetent Presidency in modern times? Don't blame DonDon. It's just the wicked "fake news" media spreading lies to undermine a great man. The truth is that everything is great! 

Subvert the Constitution? Hire completely unqualified people for highly sensitive positions? Fire the man investigating you? Hey, if the President does it, it's not illegal. Nixon said that, and by golly that's good enough for Donald J. Trump. He is the President, after all.

To have lived all those years without ever having to be responsible for your actions must be wonderful.

Now, of course, somebody always has to pay for jaw dropping incompetence, sleaziness, crookedness, and outright thievery.

But it ain't Donald J. Trump!

Friday, May 5, 2017

Poor People Don't Deserve Anything

It is by now patently obvious that that is the motto of the modern Republican Party.

(They're all good Christians, by the way. Just ask 'em!)

And not just a motto, an operating principle.

(They're all good Christians, by the way. Just ask 'em!)

No subsidies for takers! Health care, after all, is only for people who can afford it.

Good schools, too. Honestly, if you don't care enough about your children to make a lot of money to support them, well, why should the state care about them? Tell you what, we'll give you vouchers for private school. What more could you ask for? Oh, by the way, the vouchers will only cover a fraction of the cost of a private school, while diverting money from public schools, but beggars can't be choosers.

And if you want clean air and clean water, well, move somewhere with clean air and clean water.

Or be prepared to pay for it, you fucking cheapskate.

Tired of the cops hassling you and yours? Make some money, move to a better neighborhood, and maybe the cops will overlook your skin color...Just kidding! That'll never happen.

So stop your pathetic whining, get with the program, and enjoy living in the best country there ever was or ever could be.

(They're all good Christians, by the way. Just ask 'em!)

Monday, May 1, 2017

Those Poor, Unappreciated, Needy Billionaires

Why do some billionaires, who have self-evidently benefited from our system to an extreme, want to destroy our system?

This is a puzzling question, to me at least.

Take the Koch brothers (please).

They are each worth upward of 50 billion dollars. Think about that for a second. 50 billion is 50 thousand million. If they never made another penny, they could each spend a million dollars a day for 137 years.

They achieved some of this wealth from inheritance, of course, but the vast majority of it they have "earned" under our system of government, including our economic system, and our taxation system.

Unfortunately, 50 billion apiece just isn't enough. In some way they still feel cheated. Poor things. They think they are overtaxed and over regulated, and that they would've done much better in the imaginary, libertarian, no-holds-barred, free market paradise that they dream of. 

So they've decided to buy up every politician they can to make sure that in the future they get a "fair" shake.

Perhaps by doing away with pesky things like clean air and water laws, OSHA, the EPA, unions, the minimum wage, and estate taxes.

Of course, contrary to 37 years of Republican economic policy, the more that flows to the top .1% the less there is for everyone else.

What pleasure do they, and their ilk, get from taking things away from poorer people? It must be intense, perhaps even sexual in nature.

Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The First 100 Days...An Appreciation

Credit where credit is due, Donald J. Trump, R-Russian Mafia, has, and I can say this without fear of contradiction, in a mere 100 days, put together the most corrupt administration in the history of this great land of ours.

Warren Harding can finally rest in peace. That's quite an achievement.

Well done, you Flaming Orange Anus!

Every single breath the man takes is a conflict of interest. He's peopled his White House with the scum of the earth, starting with Steve "Uh, I'll Get The Next Round" Bannon, and featuring in starring roles a couple of the little Trumps. All looking for an easy way to make a fast buck. Including the horde of Goldman Sachs scum scuttling from darkened corner to darkened corner. Look up the classic dirty joke "The Aristocrats" to get some idea of the quality of these "people".

Trump has also given us the worst cabinet ever. EVER.

Including the homunculus bigot Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, our first openly racist Attorney General in quite some time. From Alabama, y'all! Roll Tide! Now, let's bust some colored heads!

And let's not forget an EPA chief who doesn't believe in air or water quality regulations or Global Warming; a Secretary of Education who doesn't believe in public education;  a Secretary of State who only cares about oil and how to acquire it; Rick Perry, who needs no introduction; and Dr. Ben Carson, whose achievements as a brain surgeon are even more impressive considering that he obviously doesn't have a functioning brain of his own. Well done, DonDon!

What, no place for Sarah Palin?! Try harder. Surely there must be something for a person of her, uh, let's call them qualifications.

On the plus side, Der Trump has done wonders for the career of Alec Baldwin, and Saturday Night Live is now, occasionally, amusing.

And our Numbnuts In Chief has also lit a fire under some of our beloved late night comedians. Stephen Colbert, Seth Myers, Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Kimmel have never been funnier.

Jimmy Fallon remains, well, Jimmy Fallon.

They told me if I voted for Hillary Clinton the White House would be crawling with Wall Street assholes and we'd be in another war in the Middle East.

Turns out they were right.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Reality Television

Cool!

We get to watch the "President" of the United States go nuts in real time!

That hasn't happened before.

Sure Nixon went off the deep end--but we only learned about that years later.

And Saint Reagan was probably well on his way to dementia early in his second term. But again, we didn't find out until he was safely ensconced in whatever nice place his defense contractor buddies bought for him. And besides, dementia is a different kettle of fish.

No, President Donald J. Queeg will be a first for our great nation.

He will bunch up his tiny fingers into tiny fists and stamp his wittle feets.

He will spew forth from his limited vocabulary with his simpleton's syntax.

Spittle will fly!

And the tweets! Oh my God, the tweets that will come!

It will really be very entertaining...

PS Now we learn that Little DonDon insists on riding in the Queen's "Cinderella" coach when he's in England. INSISTS! Seriously, how precious is that?

Deep down he's exactly like a little princess.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Is Anyone Really Surprised That Bill O'Reilly Is A Pig?

I mean, really?

Come on now.

Take a good look at him.

Everything about Bill-O screams "OINK".

The clincher, the cherry on top, is that Der Trump says Bill-O is "a good person".

Uh huh. Birds of a feather, et cetera.

That endorsement from our "so-called President" should be all you need to convict, ladies and gentlemen.

But, of course, the people who watch Fox Faux News religiously are pigs their ownselves, so...

Motherfucker fits right in.




Monday, April 10, 2017

Recently Decoded Top Secret Cable From V. Putin To B. al-Assad

Dear Bashar,

How are you? I am fine.

Look, no point beating around the bush, I have to ask you a big favor.

A friend of mine, code name Numbnuts, is in a pickle:

Americanski are beginning to figure out what happened in last election. This is not good for Numbnuts.

So, he needs distraction.

Would it be OK if he attacks one of your airfields? Shoots a few cruise missiles, beats his chest, rallies the more simple minded of his people, etc etc.

Have you ever seen movie "Wag The Dog"? It's good movie. I admire that DeNiro. The Jew Hoffman is good, too. And Woody Harrelson shows surprising dramatic depth. But I digress.

Of course you would be given advance warning of where and when so nothing important gets blowed up. Probably you get airfield operational again in a few hours. We are prepared to help if necessary.

So, it's a win win. Numbnuts gets to act like leader, you get to rail against Americanski aggression, Americanski defense contractors get to bill government for replacement cruise missiles, stock holders make a profit, Americanski newscasters get to put on trenchcoats and use their serious voices, and Americanski people get to be distracted from Numbnuts' treasonous activities.

And, naturally, Numbnuts won't do anything more until he clears it with me.

Thanks in advance. You're a good friend.

Regards to Mrs. Assad and all the little Assads.

Your pal,

V.

PS if you need any more Sarin gas, just ask. We have plenty!

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Signor Baseball's 2017 AL Preview

The thing about Spring Training is, that while it might tell us a few things about the season ahead, it is completely unreliable about most things.

For instance, based on Spring Training 2017, you might think that the New York Yankees are going to win 120 games.

Ha ha ha.

AL East: For the aforementioned Yankees, too many unlikely things have to happen for them to really compete. No injuries to the pitching staff and big, full seasons from some young guys who have never played full seasons at this level. Of course, this could happen. But it's a long shot. Better to stick with the Red Sox and Blue Jays. Boston loses David Ortiz, and you never know how missing a dominant player and clubhouse personality will play out. However, their pitching should be improved and they have a lot of good hitters left. Toronto lost two big bats, but they'll still score plenty of runs and their pitching is strong enough to keep close to the Red Sox and in the running for a Wild Card. Down in Baltimore, the Orioles have a very good bullpen (when Buck Showalter remembers how to use them), which is good because their starters aren't impressive. They have a solid everyday lineup that can score runs in bunches. With those starters, they'll need them. One big question for the Orioles is whether or not Mark Trumbo can repeat his somewhat surprising homer barrage from last year. Unless everything miraculously falls into place, injury and young player wise, the Yankees look like a 4th place team and despite good starting pitching, the light hitting Tampa Rays once again pull up the rear.

AL Central: Looks like the Indians are a safe bet to repeat. Their pitching is superior and they've added a big bat in Edwin Encarnacion. Barring injury, Cleveland shouldn't have too much trouble winning the Central. Detroit is old and getting older, but premier players on the down slope are still often better than run of the mill players in their prime.  Verlander, Cabrera, Kinsler and Martinez are still potentially all-stars, and if the Indians slip a little the Tigers could sneak past them. Kansas City's pitching isn't nearly as dominant as it was a couple of years ago, and I can't see the Royals being anything more than competent. The Twins were awful last year. Minnesota should be better (they can't get much worse), and with the White Sox rebuilding, and liable to trade anyone of any value during the course of the season, the Twins could slip past Chicago and avoid last place. Little victories...

AL West: This has all the makings of a 3 team race to the bitter end, with the also-rans having a shot at a Wild Card slot. Houston, Seattle, and Texas seem very evenly matched.  None looks like a completely solid team. The Astros, with the addition of Brian McCann behind the plate, are incredibly strong up the middle. They are loaded with an excellent core of good, young, everyday talent. Their starters, however, once you get past Dallas Keuchel, are a big question mark.  The Mariners have better pitching than the Astros, but their everyday lineup is not as strong. Hamels and Darvish give the Rangers the best 1-2 starter punch in the division, but there's not much starting pitching beyond them. Their infield is solid, including Rougned "One Punch" Odor, and they will score a lot of runs, but their bullpen is just OK and their outfield is average at best. California, on the other hand, has the best all around player in the league, Mike Trout, and Albert Pujols, who even in the twilight of his career is still a potent hitter. But inferior pitching will doom the Angels to also ran status. And in Oakland, Billy Beane will eventually paste together another bargain basement contender with the A's. But not this year, alas.


Monday, April 3, 2017

Signor Baseball's 2017 NL Preview

So, the Chicago Cubs are World Champions and Donald J. Trump befouls the White House. 2016 was a year of extremely unlikely events.

Of course, the Cubs did it without the help of Vladimir Putin, the FBI, and millions of really stupid people.

But enough of this talk of treason, on to more important matters. In the NL East, Washington is once again the team to beat. Their everyday lineup is second only to the Cubs in the NL and they have, when everybody is healthy--I'm looking at you Stephen Strasburg--very good pitching. Keep this in  mind, though: if there is any way for the Nationals to blow it, they will. The Mets have even better pitching, and the bats to score some runs. However, nearly every one of their starters has had injury issues in the past. And like they say, past is prologue. However, barring multiple injuries to their staff, New York should still be in the running for a Wild Card. Atlanta is in the middle of a major rebuild and Miami is in the middle of being sold. Jeffrey Loria will now have to look for something else he can screw up. Hey, maybe there's a place for him in the Trump administration! The Braves have some good young hitters and can beat anyone when their ace is on the mound. Unfortunately that's only every fifth game. The rest of the time....? The Marlins will hype every single one of Giancarlo Stanton's massive home runs. Can you blame them? I mean, what else do they have to cheer about, other than Loria leaving? Try to name one Phillie. Go on. I dare you. Another long, miserable summer in Philadelphia.

In the Central, Pittsburgh's window of opportunity has just about closed. Having no dependable starting pitching will do that to a team. Oh, they'll score runs, but so will every team they play. The really interesting question for the Pirates is whether or not Andrew McCutcheon will bounce back from an off year, or has begun the inevitable descent to nothingness...The Cubs, on the other hand, are loaded from top to bottom and probably the only thing that can stop them is the pressure of being expected to defend their championship. On the banks of the mighty Mississippi, the Cardinals are always competitive, but on paper at least they just don't match up with the Cubs. Look for Chicago to walk away with this one and St. Louis to be chasing the Mets and the Giants for a Wild Card. The Brewers and Reds just aren't very good. Both are rebuilding. Both have one superstar surrounded by young players who may or may not pan out eventually. Both have pitching staffs patched together with retreads, busts, other teams' back of the rotation guys, and unproven kids. Good luck with that.

Out West, the Diamondbacks should be better, but still not good enough to compete with the Dodgers and the Giants.  Arizona's starting pitching still looks shake-y and their closer is well past whatever prime he had. But they will score a lot of runs and, who knows, maybe some of their perennial young pitching prospects will actually start to pan out. Los Angeles has spent mucho dinero putting together a team that just cannot get to the World Series. They should win the division again, but until Clayton Kershaw starts pitching like, well, Clayton Kershaw, in the playoffs, they still will come up short, Series wise. The Giants have solid pitching, but when you look at their everyday lineup you wonder how they'll score runs. However, they don't beat themselves very often, they have one of the best managers in the majors, and a Wild Card berth is almost a given. Colorado and San Diego will, once again, pull up the rear. Wait until next year, you Padre and Rockies fans. Or the year after that, or the year after that, or...ya know, why don't you just pick another team to root for? Save yourselves a lot of heartache.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

A Page From Melania's Diary

It is comfortable here without HIM.

Boy and I enjoy the peace and quiet.

I awake screaming less and less.

The dreams, the awful, horrid nightmares of 280 pounds of unrendered fat falling upon me again and again have lessened. Doctor says that with time they may even stop.

This I pray for.

I have faith.

There is old Slovenian saying that translates to "well, he can't live forever." This is what you call my mantra. My safe place.

When dark times come, when HE comes, I repeat over and over again, silently to myself:

"Well, he can't live forever."

Friday, March 24, 2017

Ya Get What Ya Paid For

So, Vlad "The Elector" Putin helped put Donald J. Trump in the White House.

Can we at least agree on that?

Good.

Now, the big question is, what does Vlad expect in return?

I'm betting it's a little more than semi-coherent tweets praising him.

Der Trump has already backed off on supporting the Ukraine.

And his Secretary of State is a decorated hero of the Russian Republic.

Next up?

Well, what about gutting NATO? Vlad would like that. Give him some breathing room.

And dismantling the European Union would certainly help Trump's Russian "friends".

Also, let's be sure to alienate our British allies.

(I'm betting that if you dug deeply enough into the whole Brexit thing you'd find some Russian money and Russian espionage on the pro-Brexit side.)

Frankly, there's no limit to the mayhem Putin's hand puppet might wreak on the world.

Tired of winning yet?




Monday, March 20, 2017

For Sale: One Country, Slightly Used

There are some people who can only see dollar signs wherever they look.

They've always been with us and they always will be.

But we haven't let them run the government in many, many years.

Now we have an Executive office, a Congress and a Cabinet filled with people who need to monetize anything they can get their hands on.

The idea of a public commons is completely anathema to them.

They need to figure some way to charge as much as they can for everything.

Public Education? Check!

Health care? Check!

National Parks? Check!

Social Security? They're working on it!

What's next? Our air and water?

Maybe.


Thursday, March 16, 2017

The World's Most Dangerous Ego Trip

Have you seen the Orange One lately?

He has a look on his bloated face that screams "What The Fuck Have I Done? Get Me Out Of Here!"

To say he is in over his head is to put it mildly.

He does not have a clue.

What one might charitably call his "business career" has been built entirely on demands and threats.

He may think he is a dictator. But he is not. What he is is a petulant child, trapped in the decaying body of a senior citizen.

So he will bluster and tweet, looking for enemies, taking umbrage at the slightest hint that he is, uh, what's the word? Oh yes, Incompetent, with a capital I.

He would never acknowledge that, of course.

He has a tremendous respect for his big brain.

Unfortunately, believing you have a "big brain" is not the same thing as having a big brain.

And the damage he and his unbound ego will do is immeasurable.

I don't know how you feel about the whole concept of karma.

But if there's anything to it, anything at all, Donald J. Trump will be facing a hurricane shitstorm of bad karma for the rest of his worthless life.

So, at least we have that to look forward to.


Sunday, March 12, 2017

Let 'Em Die

So now, after all these years, we finally get to see what the Republican version of healthcare, let's call it Trump(Doesn't)Care, looks like:

If you're rich, here's some more! Big surprise there.

If you're middle class, thanks for your vote, but you're more or less on your own. Good luck!

And if you're poor, well, if you get sick, better find some money from somewhere, or better still, just die quickly.

Tired of winning yet?

It's always a treat to watch billionaires and millionaires take things away from poor people.

Education, health care, a living wage, safe workplaces, primacy over your body, clean air and water--whatever.

Most of the people who do this are proud to identify as "Christians."

That's really very funny when you stop to think about it.

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Another Page From The Diary of V. Putin

What have I gotten myself into here?

Sure, it sounded like, how you say, good deal.

Win or lose, this Trump helps undermine that Clinton woman. So we support this Trump even though no one can conceive of circus clown actually winning. That doesn't matter, though.

Because he will weaken Clinton woman, and make her Presidency less successful.

What happens next is still stunning to me.

Circus Clown wins!

Which is....I don't know....I still don't know.

But always have fall back position. I learned this at KGB school. And fall back position is that "Hey Trump, we helped elect you as Americanski President and now you do our bidding. Or else."

Why 'or else'? Because we know everything about him. Everything. Every little thing. Ha! And this is key, he owes us money. Much money. Much more money than he can ever repay. Simple, da?

No wars. No shootings. No breaking treasury with arms race.

Nyet. Just one day Americanski wake up from opioid induced stupor and Russian stooge is in White House.

Surprise!

Good joke, no?

But as old Russian saying tells us: be careful what you wish for.

Let me tell you something, dear diary: I read all the "fake news" I can get. Pravda. You know, "truth"? And I cannot believe what it is that I am reading. No sane man acts this way.

If I wasn't at heart godless communist I would say "Jesus Christ! What is this idiot doing?"

This is not the kind of instability I was hoping for.

So, we will, we must, find solution...

Saturday, March 4, 2017

The Enigma Of The Republican Party And Republicans In General

It's simply this: Not wanting to be seen as complete assholes while always acting like complete assholes.

They really can't help themselves.

They truly believe, deep down, that, despite all of their actions, they are not assholes. No, what they really think they are is patriots. It's the rest of us who are un-American. Us and our so-called facts.

Their hypocrisy is breathtaking and total. About everything.

And it gets tedious for the rest of us to have to constantly point it out.

Maybe that's the plan.

We'll get tired and finally just throw up our hands and say "Fine. Do whatever you want. Wreck the country. Wreck the world."

Monday, February 27, 2017

Yep, Trent Franks Is Still An Idiot

Trent Franks (sigh) is a Republican United States Congressman from my state (sigh) Arizona.

He is demonstrably an idiot, but that has never stopped, that will never stop the good, God (and everything else) fearing, abortion hating, members of his benighted district. The district includes one of those anti-septic enclaves full of old, retired, reactionary fuckers built by Del "Why yes, I did make a lot of money building casinos for the Mob. What are you inferring?" Webb. When Pete Townshend wrote "hope I die before I get old" these were exactly the kind of old people he was afraid of becoming...but I digress.

The fact that Trent is a couple of chromosomes shy of a full load is apparent to anyone who has ever seen a picture of Trent. I don't know what you call them now, but my grandmother used to call them mongoloids.

But no matter. Like Louie "Yes, I really am this stupid" Gohmert, who is his equal as an intellect and statesman, Franks is in the US Congress and you aren't. So there, loser!

Trent's latest, uh, faux pas, which is French for "every time Trent Franks opens his mouth", is his urgent warning that terrorists will smuggle atomic bombs in bales of marijuana.

Let that sink in for a minute and get back to me...

PS Remember the "you lie!" guy? Well, I've got 5 grand for the first member of Congress who yells "traitor" while the Liar in Chief is spewing. Consider it a contribution to their 2018 campaign.


Thursday, February 23, 2017

Note To Our "So Called" President:

Hey DonDon,

I understand that you like to tell people how smart you are and how good your brain is.

I suppose this isn't that unusual. Really bright people do it all of the time.

Einstein always introduced himself like this: "I'm Albert Fucking Einstein and I'm the smartest guy in this room!"

And Stephen Hawking? Jesus, just try to stop him from talking about his "big brain"!

The list could go on and on.

But here's the deal, DonDon: most people with big good brains have actually accomplished something important. Piggy backing on your racist Dad's real estate dealings, while it seems to impress your legion of "low information voters", really isn't that important. Sorry.

Throw your multiple bankruptcies into the pot, and your qualifications as a really "smart" guy seem even less provable.

So, maybe shut up about how superior your genetic pool is, huh? I mean, honestly, a good, long, look in the mirror should shatter all of your delusions. Am I right?

To give you credit where credit is due, you are right about one thing: the whole world is laughing at us...thanks to you.


Sunday, February 19, 2017

Tips For Foreign Leaders Meeting Trump For The First Time

1. Try not to laugh.

2. Don't expect to understand what he's saying. No one does.

3. Don't panic. That's the way he shakes hands with everyone.

4. Try not to laugh.

5. Just when you think he's done talking, he will start up again on a completely unrelated topic. So don't interrupt.

6. It will seem like time has stopped and you are trapped in some sort of Bizarro Hell. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat.

7. Try not to laugh.

8. Even when he says something that sounds hilarious to you, always remember that he has no sense of humor, and these are not attempts at humor. He is being, in his mind, "Presidential".

9. Please don't stare at his tiny, childlike hands. He's very sensitive about them.

10. Focus on something pleasant. Puppies. Kittens. Ice cream. Puppies and kittens eating ice cream. That sort of thing.

11. Feel free to let your mind wander. His certainly does. Like the song says, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream."

12. Try not to laugh.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

They Still Don't Care

It should be apparent to all but the dullest amongst us that Donald J. Trump is a foolish buffoon.

A stunted, spoiled, manchild oaf, he governs by tantrum and whim. And lie upon lie.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

The pivot back to sane, responsible, intelligent, adult behavior that was supposed to happen, never happened. It never will happen. Simply because it can't happen. He is not capable of sane, responsible, intelligent, adult, behavior.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

He worries about the plight of working class people about as much as a pig worries about particle physics.

He has larded his White House with Goldman Sachs lackeys--just as he warned us Mrs. Clinton would. But it's OK because he's a "successful" white male. Not a woman. Not black. So, it's all good.
Except that it isn't. What it is, is rampant kleptocracy and a systematic dismantling of 100 plus years of progress.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

He surrounds himself with white nationalists, nut job generals, serial liars, and billionaire grifters. Literally the scum of the earth.

He is quite probably a traitor to everything but money and his own deluded ego. A stooge, in hock to Putin and God knows who else.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

And so, all those Trump banner waving simpletons who roared as he promised to Make America Great Again, who frothed at the mouth as they chanted "lock her up", those pea brains who were dead certain that they were being fucked over by "the liberals" and that black man, blinded by racism and stupidity, are about to be really fucked over by the Clown in Chief.

 But the people who voted for him still don't care.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Why Does Steve Bannon Look Like He Has End-Stage Syphilis?

Now, I'm not saying that he does have end-stage syphilis. That would be wrong of me.

But some people are asking why does he look like he has it, if he doesn't?

And if he does have it, where did he contract it?

In what bus station men's room?

Did he get it from that Greek Breitbart kid, Myanus Stuffaloopulus, or whatever his name is? My God, is it an epidemic?!

These are questions that need answers. Indeed, an anxious public demands answers.

Personally, I'd say Bannon looks more like a drop down drunk, but I can understand why people would go with end-stage syphilis.

Of course, it could be both.

By the way, some other people are saying there's a smell of sulfur every time Bannon opens his mouth. Is that true? Does it have anything to do with a pact with the Devil?

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Decline And Fall

If you're old enough to recall the Cuban missile crisis, or have bothered to read a history of that time, you'll know that most of our top military men were prepared to start a nuclear war over Cuba.

But Kennedy said no.

Advisors of that same mindset now surround our Flaming Orange Anus in Chief.

And he ain't no JFK.

He is, rather, a spoiled child, with the impulse control of a toddler, and the intellectual curiosity of a single cell organism, wrapped up in the body of a bloated, bitter, senior citizen.

The silver lining to all of these dark, dark clouds, is that it might well be a relief to finally get rid of the CIA. Who needs 'em now? Trump is really smart--so smart he doesn't require intelligence briefings. After all, he has Putin to tell him what's going on...

And Vlad the Elector wouldn't mislead DonDon. Would he?

When Rome started to fall, I'm sure there were some sage old hands who believed that this was only temporary, that things would change back, that the Roman Empire was eternal.

Turns out it wasn't.

On the plus side, now that we have the Russians' stooge firmly in place with the full throated support of the GOP, whenever a Republican starts talking about patriotism and how much they love our country we can just laugh in their face.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Spineless

In case you were hoping that Senator John "Maverick" McCain would be man enough to stand up to the Liar In Chief...

Uh...no.

Oh, he'll glower and shout and threaten and get a lot of media attention. That is, after all, what he does. All he does. But when it comes right down to it, he will fold.

Because the senior Senator from the state of Arizona is spineless.

Remember way back in 2000 when the Bush campaign slandered him in South Carolina?

What'd he do?

Well, fell in line, of course!

Spineless.

When the Bushies Swift Boated John Kerry, an actual bona fide hero, in 2004?

After some initial grumbling, our professional POW blamed Kerry for bringing the attacks on himself.

Spineless.

Now we have someone in the White House who shit all over Johnny Mac's war record. Loudly and publicly. Someone who is so close to being a traitor that you can smell it on him. Someone who worships Vladimir Putin like an abused whore worships her pimp.

Someone who has nominated another Putin boy toy to be Secretary of State.

So, what does Senator John McCain do?

Well, he's going to vote "yes" for Rex Tillerson, of course!

Like I said.

Spineless.

The leader of his party is a serial liar. A Russian stooge. A sexist, xenophobic, immature, unstable punk. A fan of torture.

But don't expect Senator John McCain to challenge much of what he does.

Party loyalty always comes first when you're spineless.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Welcome To The World Of "Alternative Facts"

Being able to lie with a straight face is a skill.

Maybe even an art form.

Frankly, Kellyanne Conway should be better at it by now.

After all, she's been at the feet of a master for months.

Of course, none of this will matter to the Trump "true" believers.

By this point, they are well beyond redemption. They have sold what passes for their souls for a few magic beans and a boatload of empty promises.

But it should matter a great deal to the majority of Americans--who did not vote for Trump and do not support him.

Friday, January 20, 2017

More Fake News: Headlines Edition

Donald Trump is an honest man.

Donald Trump won the election fair and square.

Donald Trump isn't a Russian stooge.

Donald Trump has a big brain.

Donald Trump tells the truth.

Donald Trump isn't being blackmailed by Vladimir Putin.

Donald Trump is a successful businessman.

Donald Trump cares about people.

Donald Trump knows what he's doing.

Donald Trump isn't a racist.

Donald Trump is a product of superior genetics.

Donald Trump will make a great President.


Monday, January 16, 2017

Other Names For The Trump, Uh, Illegitimacy

Don't know about you, but calling him Mr. President just doesn't sit well with me.

So, we will need to come up with synonyms.

I really do prefer Flaming Orange Anus, but I realize that some folks have delicate sensibilities, or perhaps a fondness for anuses, and so there must be other options:

Putin's Punk

Russia's Stooge

His Multiple Bankruptness

The Gold Plated Fraud

Mr. Almost Three Million Votes Less Than Hillary

Shit Fer Brains

The Royal Combover

Ass Trump-ette

King Of The Know Nothings

Mr. Bought And Paid For

Captain Oblivious

Tiny

Tax Fraud In Chief

The Midnight Tweeter

Behold, A Conflict Of Interest Made Flesh

Mr. Makes George W. Bush Look Like Lincoln

Admiral Of The Fleeced

Hitler Lite

A Yooge Fucking Mistake That Might Get Us All Killed

Thursday, January 12, 2017

Ethics? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Ethics!

If I tell you I'm honest, shouldn't that be enough?

After all,  Mr. Trump wouldn't have nominated me for [fill in the blank] if I wasn't an honest, upright, outstanding citizen. Rich, too.

Gentlemen know to simply trust other gentlemen. Especially wealthy white ones.

So...let's stop all this silly talk about ethics, ok?

It'$ in$ulting to we who are $acrificing our own per$onal ambition$ to $erve our beloved country.

In fact, you ought to be ashamed to even bring it up in our presence...

Sunday, January 8, 2017

Flaming Orange Anus* Attacks Washington DC!

This ain't no science fiction, baby!

This ain't no fake news, either.

This is where you live now.

We are through the looking glass, black is white, up is down, and time is broke and no proportion kept.

Prepare to say goodbye to every piece of progressive legislation from Teddy Roosevelt to Barack Obama.

Bye Bye!

Civil rights, worker's rights, women's rights, gay rights?

Bye Bye!

Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security?

Bye Bye!

Environmental protections, clean air and water, maybe even the national parks?

Bye Bye!

Thanks to Republican voter suppression (big shout out to the Supreme Court for gutting the Voting Rights Act!), James Comey, and, of course, the keyboard stylings of Vladimir "Real Man" Putin, this is our future.

*Just in case you were wondering, Flaming Orange Anus is a perfectly apt description of Donald J.Trump.

Because all that comes out of him is noxious gas and shit.

Q.E.D.




Wednesday, January 4, 2017

His Problems Are Now Our Problems. All Of Them.

Let's start with something simple: that blue suit that he's been wearing since last summer--seemingly without having it cleaned or pressed.

Guy who purports to be soooooo RICH and he can't afford a suit that fits better? Sure.

Just because you're a bloated, flabby, gaseous toad doesn't mean you can't find a good tailor.

Billionaires don't generally dress like door to door toupee salesmen. Real billionaires, that is. Even those creepy Silicon Valley libertarian twats can pull together a respectable look.

While we're talking about The Orange One's Wealth, how many other "billionaires" can you think of who plaster their name on nickel and dime items? Steaks? Neckties from China? Christmas ornaments? New Year's Eve parties? Really?

And how come no major American banks will lend to him? Cuz he's such a "successful" negotiator?

All those foreign "lenders" that Big Boy has had to rely on to stay afloat--Deutsche Bank, the Chinese, Russian Mafia, whatever--will want something in return for their silence about Der Trumps' real financial situation.

To say the least, it will be very strange to have a President in hock to so many foreigners.

Now that the entrepreneurial triumph known as Trump University has been sent to history's ash bin, what about all those other lawsuits, 30 or so, wasn't it, that he still needs to deal with?  Probably all groundless, nuisance suits, huh?

Then there's his attention span, or rather his attention deficit disorder.

There might be, and admittedly I'm guessing here, but there might be a few issues that come up that require more than a ungrammatical, misspelled tweet to deal with. (You'd think someone with such a big, good brain would be better at something tweens master in a morning.)

#tweetyourwayoutofthisonemotherfucker

Finally, when Big Boy dies--sooner rather than later, one hopes--who's getting stuck with all that debt he's so proudly accumulated?  I'm guessing Tiffany.