Handy Voter's Guide

It can get complicated, this voting business.

Rich White Men spend billions of dollars to help make it so.

They pay for endless commercials and print ads that are just chock fulla LIES. I'm looking at you, Martha McSally.

They'll lie about candidates and they'll lie about various propositions.

They'll lie extra hard if there's money involved.

But there is a simple way to cut through all of the lies and dissembling.

When you get in that booth, just remember one little thing:

That 'R' by some of the candidates names?

That stands for RUSSIA.

It has nothing to do with democracy, the Constitution, or American values, at all. 

Repeat after me, "The 'R' stands for RUSSIA."

And if you vote for them--you are contributing to the destruction of the United States of America, plain and simple.

Mostly, We Are Afraid Of The Wrong Things

Right now, for instance, we are supposed to be afraid of transvestites, or transsexuals, or Transylvanians, in the rest rooms.

This is so stupid, that I'm not going to comment on it further.

We're also supposed to be deathly afraid of Muslims. You are much more likely to be killed by a gun lovin', road raging, All American cracker, than you are by a Muslim.

If you listen to the Republican candidate--or any Republican candidate, for that matter--white Americans are in existential danger from "the other". "Them". And "them" usually means non-whites.

Now, I understand the karmic appeal of that reasoning.

After all, what goes around sometimes does come around.

And White Americans do have a lot to answer for.

But still...

There are more than enough existential threats without making shit up.

Unlimited money in politics is an existential threat to democracy. One party whole heartedly supports it.

Climate change is an existential threat to mankind. And the latest data show that it is happening much faster than we thought. One party denies that it even exists.

One party spends its time sniffing around public restrooms. One party tries to insert itself into women's most personal issues. One party has chosen a compulsively lying, fraudulent, loose cannon egomaniac as its presidential candidate.

One party does whatever it can to make sure that government does not work for everyone.

You should probably be afraid that the "government does not work" party might one day control every branch of our government.

This Space For Sale

Since, as they say at the Audubon Society, it's never too early to feather your own nest, I'd like to announce that my Republican presidential endorsement for 2016 is up for sale to the highest bidder.

And in keeping with the finest traditions of the Citizens United era of this great land of ours, I expect it to go for a pretty penny.

So, get out your checkbooks boys! Call all of your fave billionaires and get busy bribing me.

In the interest of full disclosure my endorsement doesn't include my vote. I wouldn't vote for any of you if you put a gun to my head. Jesus, what a bunch of pandering scum!

But still, if there's money to be made off this election, and there surely is, I want my share.

And I really don't care who it comes from: Shelly "King of the Jews" Adelson,  either Koch brother, one of those libertarian halfwits that Silicon Valley seems to crap out on a regular basis, or any other billionaire weasel trying to buy up our democracy.

I ain't particular.

All I ask is small bills and non-sequential serial numbers.

Thank You,

And God Bless America.

The Gettysburg Address ( Supreme Court Approved 2014 Amended Edition)

 
Four $core and $even year$ ago our father$ brought forth on thi$ continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the propo$ition that all men are created equal. 

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, te$ting whether that nation, or any nation $o conceived and $o dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, a$ a final re$ting place for tho$e who here gave their live$ that that nation might live. It i$ altogether fitting and proper that we $hould do thi$. 

But, in a larger $en$e, we can not dedicate -- we can not con$ecrate -- we can not hallow -- thi$ ground. The brave men, living and dead, who $truggled here, have con$ecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we $ay here, but it can never forget what they did here. It i$ for u$ the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfini$hed work which they who fought here have thu$ far $o nobly advanced. It i$ rather for u$ to be here dedicated to the great ta$k remaining before u$ -- that from the$e honored dead we take increa$ed devotion to that cau$e for which they gave the la$t full mea$ure of devotion -- that we here highly re$olve that the$e dead $hall not have died in vain -- that thi$ nation, under God, $hall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people $$$$$$, by the people $$$$$$, for the people $$$$$$, $hall not peri$h from the earth.


Just another nail in the coffin of democracy, courtesy of John Roberts and the Supremes. Nice work boys. I'm sure you will be amply rewarded by your bosses.