Signor Baseball's 2012 NL Preview

OK, so it's a little late...but slip on your sliding pads and move the coffee table, 'cuz it's time for Signor Baseball's 2012 NL preview:

EAST: Phillies are too loaded not to win. They have more than enough pitching to overcome any offensive deficiencies--even with Utley and Howard banged up. On the other hand, they had great pitching last year, too. And they spent the World Series at home. Like the Yankees, just winning the division isn't enough anymore. Sometimes, that kind of pressure takes its toll. The Marlins should pass the Braves for one of the wild cards. If for some reason they don't, at least Ozzie Guillen will provide plenty of colorful copy for the folks in south Florida. [Not even a week into the season and already Ozzie's mouth has gotten him in trouble. I thought everybody knew that you can't say anything even remotely positive about Castro in south Florida without a shit-storm of angry Cuban ex-pat backlash. I guess being run out of your own country and then spending the next 50 some years whining about it makes folks bitter and short tempered.] Atlanta, which never seems to slip too much, still has a chance at the other wild card. If Strasburg stays healthy, the Nationals will be competitive every fifth day. Who knows, with a few breaks maybe they can hang around until August. The Mets are just sad, sad, sad, again. But at least they won't be going into receivership.

CENTRAL: Even without the great Pujols the Cards have enough talent to win again. The Reds and Brewers will have to settle for being in the wild card mix. Chicago will be better, just probably not good enough yet. But give Theo Epstein enough time and money and miracles can happen--even with the Cubs. "Hope springs eternal" and all that. Who knows about the Pirates? The mystery that is A.J. Burnett brings his psychological side show to the banks of the Allegheny. With a few breaks, Pittsburgh could be a .500 club this year. And if St. Louis stumbles, this may be one of those years where a little above .500 is enough to stay in the Central race until the bitter end. Once again, the Houston Astros look like a good, solid AAA club. 44 years ago, I toured the Astrodome, which was then called the 8th Wonder of the World. Today it is abandoned and falling apart. Talk about your metaphors for life.

WEST: Diamondbacks are favored, but I'm not convinced that their starters can duplicate last year. After Kennedy I have my doubts. If they falter, and the touted young arms in the farm system can't fill the gaps, Arizona could easily fall behind San Francisco. The Giants have a lot of pitching but don't look like they'll be able to score many runs. Just like when they won the Series a couple of years ago. Weird stuff like that happens all the time in baseball. Both teams will have a shot at one of the wild card slots. As always, the Rockies will score mucho runs, but, as always, don't have much pitching. LA has a handful of all-stars, but the Dodgers don't look strong enough overall in any department to contend. $2 billion doesn't get you as much these days. However, Magic Johnson doesn't like to lose, so look for them to fill the gaps asap. And win or lose, Vin Scully is still the gold standard. Finally, San Diego is a great place to spend the summer.

Signor Baseball's 2011 NL Preview

Put on your protective cup, stuff a few pieces of double bubble in your mouth, and grab your big foam finger (if you don't have one, I think Robert Sarver is done with his), because it's time for Signor Baseball's 2011 National League preview.

East
The Phillies have all the pitching in the world. And pitching is everything. So, until somebody gets a sore arm, it's impossible to bet against the Phillies. (Of course, somebody always gets a sore arm.) Mrs. Signor Baseball thinks they have nice uniforms, too.
Atlanta will hang with 'em for awhile and be a strong wild card contender. Which means we may have to suffer through more of that Tomahawk Chop nonsense come the post season.
The Marlins, who have the best scouting department and the fewest fans of any good team in baseball, should be third.
The Mets will be in receivership by June and forced to play in a pasture somewhere on Long Island because Citi Field has been padlocked by their creditors. Bernie Madoff giveth and Bernie Madoff taketh away.
The Nationals have the best young injured pitching arm in all of MLB. That pretty much sums it up.

Central
I'm taking the Cubs. Yes, I have been drinking. A lot. And I'm not even a Cubs fan.
Of course, the Cardinals should win. But through the years I've developed a very strong dislike of Tony LaRussa, so I hope the Cards crash and burn (again) and Mr. Pujols leaves for greener pastures.
The Reds are managed by another of my managerial favorites, Dusty "No, I never noticed that Barry Bonds all of a sudden started to look like the Incredible Hulk--what you gettin' at?" Baker. So I'm not pulling for them either. Plus I'm still sick of all that "The Big Red Machine is the best team ever!" crap from the 70's. No, they weren't.
The Brewers are my pick if the Cubs don't make it. Yep, I'm still drinking. Good hitting, OK defense, pretty good pitching. With a few breaks...?
The Astros have that stupid hill in centerfield. Who thought that was a good idea? Anyway, can you name one Astro? Is Rusty Staub still playing? And besides, as long as that phony secessionist weasel Rick Perry is governor, I'm not rooting for anything from Texas.
Pittsburgh has great fans, and a great ballpark and maybe someday they'll get a major league team again. (If it sounds like I'm holding a grudge about the two World Series the Pirates won against my Orioles in the 1970's, I am. Even today the sound of the Staples Family gives me nightmares.)

West
This is the only division where all the teams can be considered legitimate contenders. Yes, even the Diamondbacks. (They would've won 15-20 more games last year, if they hadn't had the worst bullpen in living memory. When a reliever came in, instead of Enter Sandman they played that David Bowie song about putting out a fire with gasoline.) So, should we just put all the names in a hat and draw them out one by one? No, that would be wrong and completely unscientific. Instead, we'll rank them according to the quality of their ballparks.
Giants: Best ballpark in the division, one of the top two or three in all of baseball. Very good pitching. Not much offense. Best manager. Got hot last year when it mattered most. That may not happen again.
Dodgers: Other than Wrigley Field the oldest ballpark in the National League, but still one of the best. And Vin Scully remains the best play by play man in the world. Pitching is not nearly as deep as the Giants. Probably have more offense. Classic underachievers. Let's see if Donnie Baseball can manage. (And let's see who ends up with the team in the McCourt divorce.)
Tie Rockies/Padres: I think I liked Coors Field more before they started putting the baseballs in a humidor. Damn, would the ball carry there! And all of the Rockies' pitchers had that shell-shocked look on their faces, which was kind of cool. The Rockies have two of the top everyday players in the NL--but maybe not enough pitching. Plus there's always the chance that, should they make it to the playoffs and/or World Series, a couple of their home games might get snowed out. Which would be a first, I think. The Padres would've been better off if they'd just copied the Giant's ballpark exactly when they built Petco. Lost their best hitter, but somehow they always manage to compete. Good bullpen, wonder about their starters. Lose the camo uniforms, OK?
Diamondbacks: All the charm of a Costco. Leave the roof open. Leave the roof open. Leave the roof open. Some very good--but inconsistent-- young players, some big question marks in the starting pitching. The bullpen has to be better, right? The outfield and up the middle look solid, but who's going to play first and third? Where have you gone Adam LaRoche? And I'm pretty sure I went to grade school with Melvin Mora. (Curious to see what Mark Reynolds does in Baltimore. 35 homers, .235, and 210 strikeouts is the over/under.) However, if the pitching holds up they'll be in the race. (I know that's the biggest cliche in baseball, but after all, really big cliches are what keep our society afloat. Besides, in this case it's true.)

A Caveat: For what it's worth, about 10 years ago Signor Baseball was sure that Travis Lee was going to be a star.

Stay tuned for Signor Baseball's 2011 AL preview...