Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Worst Job In The World

Kellyanne Conway has to try and "manage" an egomaniacal, sociopathic, misogynistic, scatter brained, bigot who thinks he's always the smartest guy in the room.

No one can do that. 

To top it off, he is sure to blame everyone around him for his failings.

He will lash out, because nothing is ever his fault.

So it's her job to make the biggest asshole in the room seem like a normal, wise, thoughtful, "Presidential" man.

Tough gig.

On the other hand, she asked for it. Lying is a major part of the job description.

Now, why any self-respecting woman would work for Trump, unless she absolutely had to, is a question for another day.

PS If Kellyanne is smart, she'll ask to be paid in cash, daily.

Sunday, September 25, 2016

How They're Preparing For The Debates

Hillary Clinton begins her days going over briefing papers covering the economy, terrorism, foreign policy, and a whole range of domestic issues.

After a short break for lunch, it's off to the nearest psych ward to practice chatting with a babbling psychotic.

Then it's time for a wide ranging policy discussion with a bevy of experts.

And finally, Clinton spends an hour each day at the zoo's monkey cage, dodging their flung feces. You know, just in case.

Meanwhile, in between daydreaming about schtupping Ivanka, and stuffing himself with fast food, Trump reads Mein Kampf for inspiration before he and his key adviser Roger "Come To Daddy" Ailes discuss their favorite insults about women, blacks, Mexicans, Muslims, Jews, and poor people in general.

Should be an interesting night.

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Compare And Contrast

Many years ago, back when the world was young, we had a President named John Kennedy. "Jack" to his friends.

And one time, while he was President, he and his wife went to Paris on an official trip.

The French fell in love with the First Lady. It helped that she spoke their language fluently. But even without that, she would've charmed them.

And, instead of having his ego bruised, and blustering about his many accomplishments, John Kennedy introduced himself thus "I am the man who accompanied Jacqueline Kennedy to Paris."

Can anyone, even his most ardent supporters, imagine Donald J. Trump doing the same thing?

No. Because for a crass ego maniacal boor that sort of self deprecating action would be like a little death. It's never not about Donald J. Trump. It can't be. Everything else comes second.


Now, admittedly, John F. Kennedy had more class in his toenail clippings than Donald J. Trump has in his entire bloated body.

But still...

Money can buy you many things. Gilded gold chairs. Shiny brass signs with your name on them.

Maybe even the Presidency.

It cannot buy you intelligence, taste, or class.

Thursday, September 15, 2016

Straight From The Horse's Ass

Things we know about Donald J. Trump, either because he or one of his mouthpieces told us:

He is the healthiest person ever to run for the Presidency. Forget the puffy face and the rolls of fat. Forget the orange complexion and the "hair". Forget the ill fitting, overly large suits and the body mass index reminiscent of the Pillsbury Doughboy. Forget the fondness for fast food. Donald J. Trump is the healthiest person ever to run for the Presidency and he has a note from his gastroenterologist to prove it. Why does someone that healthy need a gastroenterologist? Fuck you.

Let's take it one step further. Donald J. Trump is the healthiest human being ever. Jack LaLanne was a pussy compared to The Donald. Tri athletes are limp wristed wankers compared to Donald J. Trump. He will outlive us all. That old joke about cockroaches and Keith Richards being the only things to survive a nuclear holocaust? Well, add Donald J. Trump to that distinguished list. In fact, put him at the top of it! (If you want to add a joke here about a Trump presidency probably causing the nuclear holocaust, feel free.)

He has a great brain. This hasn't been confirmed by any outside source. And it certainly hasn't been confirmed by any of his actions or statements. So I guess we'll just have to take his word for it. But hey, this is America and we don't really trust bright people anyway, so...Donald J. Trump has a great brain. In fact, it is a yooge, great brain. The best.

Donald J. Trump is very classy.  Look at the gilded gold chairs he sits in when he deigns to talk to the masses! What says class more than gilded gold chairs? Nothing, you classless bastards. It's wasted on you.

He will build a yooge, great, wonderful wall along our southern border to keep the rampaging bands of Mexicans out of our once great but now sad country. He will make the raping, drug dealing Mexicans pay for it! If they refuse to pay, then Donald J. Trump as Commander in Chief of our armed forces will force them to pay. Same thing with those scofflaw NATO countries that aren't pulling their weight. And Japan, too! Donald J. Trump has asked the highly intelligent question "why can't we use our nuclear weapons?" As President, unlike that weakling Obama or Crooked Hillary, Donald J. Trump will answer that question with a resounding "BOOM!"

Donald J. Trump will make America Great Again. Now, don't get carried away--we won't all have gilded gold chairs. Donald J. Trump had to work very hard with his yooge great brain to get those chairs.

First he had to inherit millions of dollars from his racist father. Then he had to consort with his racist father's Mafia buddies to do some of those "deals" of which he is so proud. Then he had to bring in non-union Polish immigrant construction workers to build his fabulous tower. Then he had to go bankrupt a few times to keep his hard earned money out of the hands of those greedy subcontractors who obviously did substandard work on the wonderful, classy, yooge Donald J. Trump projects that they-and they alone--fucked up. None of this was Donald J. Trump's fault. Then he had to buddy up with some Russian, uh, businessmen. You know, the ones with maybe a few prison tattoos. Then he had to outsource his classy clothing line to China because, well, it's a hell of a lot cheaper and that means more money for Donald J. Trump. He did all of this. What did you do? Well, whatever it was, it pales in comparison.

How will that kind of behavior make America Great Again? Don't get bogged down in the details. Donald J. Trump will make America Great Again simply by being Donald J. Trump.

Friday, September 9, 2016

Note To Republicans: Your Presidential Candidate Is A Dangerous Idiot

Not that it matters to you.

No, you're all in for Der Trump!

He's your boy!

A narcissistic, sociopathic, fool.

But at least he ain't black! Am I right? Not like that weak Kenyan Muslim socialist in the White House.

Or a female, either!

Not like that "crooked" Hillary.

After all, she pals around with mobsters, cheats employees, idolizes tyrants, lies constantly about her achievements, changes her positions constantly, insults women and minorities day and night, and honestly doesn't know a single damn thing about government!

Oh, wait, that's Trump.


Doesn't matter. You're still going to vote for him, aren't you?

Of course you are. So he can make America Great Again.

And besides, it'll be nice to have a President who isn't smarter than you again. It's been a long 8 years, hasn't it?

Monday, September 5, 2016

Signor Baseball's Well Past Midseason, Hell, Let's Call It The Stretch Run, MLB Update

"And down the stretch they come!"

See what I've done there? Used the horse race metaphor!

Even though I'm pretty sure that none of the baseball teams trying to make the playoffs have tiny little men sitting on their backs whipping them.

Then again, who knows?

The thing about the one game MLB Wild Card playoff is that you usually have two flawed teams going at it. And while that may be fun for the fans in those cities, it doesn't often make much difference for the remainder of the playoffs. The winner will probably use their best pitcher, which kinda screws them for the next round. Not always--but often enough.

Anyway, as I write this, there are 7 teams still in contention for the two AL Wildcards and 5 for the NL.

In the AL, the Orioles, Red Sox, Yankees, Mariners, Tigers, Astros and Royals are all within 7 games of each other. And Toronto is only a game up in the East, so they should probably be considered, too.

Throw out the Yankees, because they just aren't as good as the Orioles, Red Sox, or Blue Jays. They have just one dependable starter, and Gary Sanchez is probably not the second coming of Babe Ruth.  The Mariners aren't any better. That leaves Detroit, Kansas City and Houston trying to catch Boston, Baltimore, and Toronto.

If you go by pitching, KC and Houston have the edge over both the Orioles and Red Sox.  Add in the East teams all playing each other the last month and it gets much harder for Boston and Baltimore. They do score a lot of runs, but will that be enough to overcome their pitching shortcomings? The defending champion Royals have muddled along all season and still find themselves in the race. One strong month could put them back in the post season. In fact, that could apply to any of these teams. A good winning streak and they're in. But which teams are capable of that? It looks like a last day of the season scenario, once again.

So you make the Wild Card. So you win the Wild Card. To move on, you need at least two top flight starters, a consistent bull pen, and some clutch bats. This is shocking to say, but other than Cleveland, who has that? It's a muddle, I tells ya. A muddle.

The NL is only slightly clearer. San Francisco has had such an awful couple of months that it's time for them to play well again. They'll either catch LA for the West or take one of the Wild Cards. That leaves the Cardinals, Mets, Pirates and Marlins battling for the second Wild Card.

The Cardinals are the strongest all around. The Mets have the best starters--when healthy. The Pirates have a very good every day lineup and no dependable starters. Not a one. And I have no idea how the Marlins have stayed this close. Maybe Barry Bonds' Magic Beans. So, sorry Pittsburgh. Sorry Miami.

If New York can somehow recapture last season's magic, and figure out a way to score a few runs, they can catch St. Louis. After that, who knows? The Cubs look unbeatable at times, but they fell apart in last year's playoffs, so...San Francisco and Washington have the 2 Aces needed to go deep, and the Giants have a history of playoff success. The Dodgers have the "best pitcher in baseball", but the "best pitcher in baseball" has proven to be very human in the post season. He's also coming off an injury. And the rest of their staff is hit or miss.

To use an old William Goldman quote in another context, "nobody knows anything."

All in all, it makes for a very interesting few weeks of baseball.