The Great Negotiator

The Great Negotiator will know, within a few seconds, a minute tops, how this is going to go.

He will look into the soul of his opposite, and instantly determine the outcome.

It is this seeming sixth sense that has guided him through all those bankruptcies.

Foresight, I think they call it.

You cannot be a successful grifter without foresight, after all.

And through all the years, the Great Negotiator has been a very successful grifter. Conned a bunch of suckers. Millions at last count.

So what's one more? And an Asian at that! Should be simple.

Piece of cake, in fact. The world's best chocolate cake, if you're wondering. Cake that someone like you has never seen the likes of. It worked before. It will work again!

It helps that the Great Negotiator's best friend, indeed his bromance buddy, Vlad, can put his hand on the scales at any moment, and make the Asian bend to his wishes.

What are friends for?

Big Button Showdown Time?

Happily for satirists everywhere, it looks like our asshole in chief will meet with their asshole in chief.

At least for now...

Who knows what tomorrow might bring? Comedy, after all, lurks everywhere, and our Traitor in Chief is nothing if not irrationally mercurial. We are always one demented tweet away from everything falling apart.

All I can say is, if and when they do meet it will be like they're both looking in a mirror.

Shithead y shithead as our Spanish speaking friends might say.

Never forget one thing: North Korea is not, and has never been, an existential threat to the United States.

They are an annoyance.

Sure, they can be a loud annoyance. But only a two bit punk would get all upset about them. And only a two bit punk would be distracted by them.

Unfortunately, we have a two bit punk in the White House.

Real men don't get upset about little boys rattling their tiny sabers.

And if we had a real man in the White House this wouldn't be much of an issue.

Unfortunately, for the time being at least, we have Donald J. Trump--the exact opposite of a real man--in the White House.

Hopefully, the Master Negotiator won't sign over Hawaii to Kim Jong-un in exchange for some magic beans, and a McDonald's franchise in Pyongyang.

An Idiot Abroad

Let's see how incoherent bombast plays in the Far East, huh?

It might help if you knew something about the region, or at least were willing to learn something--anything--about it, but, well...since you're already the self professed smartest guy in the room, with that great brain and the world's best memory, why bother? Facts are for suckers, after all.

No, better to bluster, threaten, and tweet your way around the Pacific Rim.

At least your rancid soul mate in the Philippines will welcome you with open arms.

Oh, and while you're ruining America's reputation, as our last few drops of global credibility go down the drain, make sure you get in a plug for one of your golf courses. Stay classy, DonDon!

It's true, Der Trump, the world is laughing at us...now.

Well, actually the world is laughing at you.

Tips For Foreign Leaders Meeting Trump For The First Time

1. Try not to laugh.

2. Don't expect to understand what he's saying. No one does.

3. Don't panic. That's the way he shakes hands with everyone.

4. Try not to laugh.

5. Just when you think he's done talking, he will start up again on a completely unrelated topic. So don't interrupt.

6. It will seem like time has stopped and you are trapped in some sort of Bizarro Hell. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat.

7. Try not to laugh.

8. Even when he says something that sounds hilarious to you, always remember that he has no sense of humor, and these are not attempts at humor. He is being, in his mind, "Presidential".

9. Please don't stare at his tiny, childlike hands. He's very sensitive about them.

10. Focus on something pleasant. Puppies. Kittens. Ice cream. Puppies and kittens eating ice cream. That sort of thing.

11. Feel free to let your mind wander. His certainly does. Like the song says, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream."

12. Try not to laugh.

If Anybody Knows Inept, It's Senator John McCain

This guy, the guy who's calling John Kerry "the most inept Secretary of State in my lifetime", is the same guy who wanted Sarah Palin to be a heartbeat away from the Presidency of the United States of America.

The same guy whose response to any turmoil in the world is "bomb 'em! Send in the troops! I said bomb 'em, dammit!"

The same guy who has never done anything for the state of Arizona in all his many years in the Congress.

Yeah, that guy.

So, hey, fuck John McCain, R-Halfcocked,  and fuck anybody who takes his senile prattle and sword rattling seriously.

Come on, enough is enough.

Dear Israel,

Dear Israel,

Nobody said you couldn't have a war with Iran--if that's what you really want.

Just do it on your own dime.

Let's see how long Sheldon Adelson can keep you afloat...

Shalom!

Your Pal,

The Good Old USA

PS remember the U.S.S. Liberty?

Dr. Strangelove, or: John McCain Doesn't Know Anything About Anything

I've lived in Arizona for a long time...certainly much longer than Senator John McCain. I'll probably be here long after he's gone, too. And, if you put a gun to my head, I still couldn't name one thing he's done for the people of Arizona.

But even worse than his lack of any tangible legislative achievements is the faith that some media types seem to put in his foreign policy acumen. Let Vladimir Putin fart and there's McCain, expounding...

And he's always wrong. Always.

Remember "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran"? Remember "We're all Georgians now"? Remember his predictions about the Iraq War? Remember the Keating 5?

Here's McCain's curriculum vitae: He was a prisoner of war. Doesn't that mean that he fucked up on some fundamental level?  He survived imprisonment. That's his expertise.Then he dumped the first wife on her sickbed, married the young daughter of a wealthy liquor distributor, ran for a safe Republican seat in the House, and then, because the voters in Arizona get all mushy over a boy in uniform--regardless of their qualifications--he ascended to the Senate. The rest, as they say, is history. I will only add that with the first big, important decision he had to make as a Presidential candidate he gave us the gift that is Sarah Palin. Res ipsa loquitur.

None of this makes him an expert on anything, except opportunism.

Now, on the other hand, if you were casting a screwball comedy, McCain and his little buddy, Miss Lindsey Graham, would make a perfect couple: A bitter old man and a dithering hysteric.

Well, hell, I guess that's exactly what we're living through, though, isn't it?

A screwball comedy where the most ridiculous people are taken seriously.

Oh, I Got Gambling Money

It's amazing!

There's never enough money for education.

Or to feed and house the poor.

Or provide basic healthcare for everyone.

Or for repairing our crumbling infrastructure.

Or to create jobs.

Or to replace fossil fuels with cleaner, renewable energy.

Or to care for our veterans.

But there is always enough money to go to war.

You know the old joke, a guy in Las Vegas asks a stranger for money for an operation for his mother. The stranger replies, "How do I know you won't use any money I give you to gamble with?" And the first guy answers, "Oh, I got gambling money."

Funny, isn't it?

And what is truly amazing is how quickly conservatives become Keynesians when there are war profits to be made!

The More Things Change

As the neocons rage about a "lost" Iraq, some of us remember how we were lied into that war by Cheney-Bush, Rice, Rumsfeld, McCain and the gang, including The New York Times, and some of us obviously don't.

Before we go all goofy with the USA! USA! chant, and more stupid country songs about how tough we are, perhaps we should pause and consider the events of June-August 1914.

A whole bunch of smart people, many of whom were related to each other, somehow managed to get their countries into a war that none of them anticipated, killed off a generation of Europeans, started the Russian Revolution, created random boundaries throughout the Middle East, and sowed the seeds of Fascism.

Which led directly to the Spanish Civil War, and World War II.

Other than that things worked out pretty well.

When I was a mere youth, there was a best selling book entitled "The Best and the Brightest". It was all about the really smart people who initially got us mired in Vietnam. Because they were so sure of their superior intelligence, they arrogantly ignored history and every single warning sign. No matter what, they were certain they could think their way out of trouble. Think and/or bomb...

Now, no book about the Cheney-Bush years could possibly be called the best and the brightest--not even in jest. But the results were the same.

And so we find ourselves in what looks like a lose-lose situation, with no clear solution. Partition Iraq? Okay, that would make the Kurds happy, but who gets the oil? What about Iran and Saudi Arabia? They'll have something to say about it. And what about our "friends" in Israel and the Palestinians? Most of us would probably be happy to sit back and watch the Shias and Sunnis kill each other off. After all, they've been doing it for over 1000 years. Why not finish the job? Of course, that could easily spill over into Egypt, Turkey, and all of the 'stans'. And that means Russia and China and India all conceivably have skin in the game.

Considering everything, I think we are very lucky that we have a cautious, intelligent man in charge, and not a hair trigger cowboy nitwit.

 

The Charge Of The Lightweight Brigade

Oh, what manly men they are!

William Kristol!

Lindsey Graham!

John McCain!

Charge for the guns they said!

(You go ahead...we'll be back here...watching...and cheering...)

Half a league, half a league, half a league onward!
 
Look, there's little Billy Kristol, son of the intellectual father of the neo-cons, Ur-chickenhawk, always on the lookout for ways to keep Israel safe for apartheid.

Right next to him is Lindsey "Belle of the South" Graham, who proudly served in the US Air Force and yet somehow never left South Carolina. No doubt he was keeping Charleston safe from the Iraqi hordes. Just like W. kept the bars of Texas safe from the Cong.

And in the lead, of course, is John "Maverick" McCain, who, and let's be honest now, has milked being a POW for 40 some years. He parlayed being captured into a seat in the House, then the Senate, and almost into the White House itself. Along the way he has somehow earned a reputation as a foreign policy 'expert'. Expert in his case is defined as being wrong about just about everything. But, fuck it, I guess we're all Ukrainians now, right John?

Some folks never tire of war. Indeed, the very idea of it makes them feel all warm and gooey inside.

Especially when they're not going to get their hands dirty fighting it.

A Bit Of Harmless Fun

We all sit, with bated breath, waiting for the Great Syria Debate.

The nation's best minds, seated in our hallowed Congress and representing all reasonable points of view, will, with the highest intellectual rigor and the wisdom that is our country's birth right....

And blah blah blah.

Louie Gohmert is a member of the United States Congress. So is Trent Franks. So are Steve King, Darrell Issa, Ted Cruz, Dana Rohrabacher...oh, the list goes on and on. Inhofe, Flake, Paul, McConnell, Graham, and Sessions. Quite the brain trust, ain't it?

The Congressional debate over Syria will make monkeys throwing their feces at each other look like Masterpiece Theatre.

Some of these morons will still not admit that the President is a native born US citizen. They're just not sure...

Or perhaps they are sure, but they know they have to act like idiots to appease their idiotic base. I don't know which is worse: to be an idiot or to just act like one because you're afraid.

Our Congress is full of bought and paid for "climate change" deniers, evolution deniers, healthcare crisis deniers, gun nuts, racists, homophobes, misogynists, Ayn Rand quoting dweebs and hopheads chanting "USA USA!" as they stuff the Koch brothers' money into their pockets.

Expecting them to do anything in a sane and timely fashion is asking way too much...it would require them to put aside their personal passions and pettiness and act like statesmen. And that's not going to happen.

Anyway, the truth is that there is no good solution to what is happening in Syria. It is a civil war between a murderous despot, who is supported and supplied by Russia, China and Iran, versus a collection of armed sects. And trust me, the Russians and Chinese really don't care who Assad gasses. Because they both reserve the right to brutalize their own citizens as needed and by whatever means necessary. Besides, this gives them all a chance to screw with the good ol' USA.

Based on our lies about Iraq, why would the other member states of the UN trust us now? Even our British friends are tired of war. And if by chance Assad could be removed, who would replace him? There is no fertile ground for democracy to take root. Modern Syria is, like most of the Arab states in the Middle East, an artificial construct, left behind from the remains of the Ottoman Empire after the first World War. Cobbled together by the British and French out of tribes that have been killing each other for a thousand years, since the original schism in the Muslim world. And apparently you can now throw al-Qaeda into that mix. What kind of coalition government would that toxic brew yield? And for how long?

I have no doubt that there are many peace loving, innocent Syrians who want to live in the 21st Century and not the Middle Ages. After all, most people everywhere just want to get along with their lives, watch their children grow, and age as gracefully as possible. Unfortunately, in Syria they have no power, nor any say in what happens to themselves or their state. Personally, I would pack all I could and head for the nearest border.

I'm afraid the slaughter of the innocents will continue for the foreseeable future, until all innocence is lost.

The Big Stick

Apparently there are just two settings on the Republican Foreign Policy machine:

"Off" and "War".

Sounds like we'll be at war with Syria and Iran shortly after a Romney inauguration. That would be payback to Sheldon Adelson. (As if the multi-billion dollar tax break wasn't enough.)

After all, got to keep Sheldon happy and that means keeping Israel (with her nuclear arsenal that no one is supposed to mention) safe.

And anybody else who dares look at us cross-eyed better watch it, too. You hear me Libya, Yemen, Tunisia, Egypt?

But not, of course, Saudi Arabia. Because even though they fund the most anti-American forms of fundamentalist Islam all around the world, and even though most of the 9-11 hijackers were Saudis, they are our friends. And we take care of our friends.

What about Russia and China? Fuck 'em! Had about enough of those commie bastards. They'll get with the program or feel the Wrath of Willard!

Remember that Randy Newman song, Political Science? "Let's drop the big one and see what happens." Yeah, something like that.

This will be extremely good news for the defense contractors. Time to order that new Bentley and start shopping for the Maui beach house again! Hooray!

Not so good news for the poor bastards in the military. Or their families.

But they're just grist for the mill, after all.

Besides, they won't be able to afford student loans after Mitt's banker friends get a hold of them, and there aren't going to be any jobs under the "outsourcing President" anyway, so it's just as well. Might as well enlist, huh?

Expendable is the word I'm looking for.

And, whatever happens, Mitt's kids won't be in harm's way, that's for sure. So it's all good!