Sunday, March 31, 2013

Signor Baseball's 2013 NL Preview

The Winter has flown by, erratic weather and all, Spring is in the air, and to top it off, they tell me Christ has risen. So get ready to re-tear that rotator cuff, re-pull that groin, and renew your faith in our National Pastime! Yes, moms and dads, boys and girls, and children of all ages, it's time for Signor Baseball's 2013 National League preview:

In the East, Atlanta and Washington have the edge over the aging Phillies. One should win the division and the other should be a lock for a wild card. Personally, I hope Justin Upton hits 40 homers and wins the MVP award. And I don't even like the Braves. In DC, that Harper kid and Strasburg Unchained will be fun to watch. Of course, Philadelphia does still have a lot of talent, so if everybody stays healthy--which is highly unlikely--and the Nationals or Braves falter even a little, the Phils could squeeze past them. If not, maybe the Yanks can buy Cole Hamels and Ryan Howard at the trading deadline. The Mets don't have much (healthy) pitching and very little offense, so it will be neck and neck with them and the fire sale Marlins as to which team finishes last. At least one half of the population of New York City will be miserable all Summer long, but based on the attendance figures for Florida, hardly anyone down there will notice or care. So maybe, if things loosen up in a few years, the Marlins can move to Havana, where people really do love baseball.

In the Central, it looks like another year where being a couple of games over .500 will keep you in the race until the bitter end. The Cards and Reds should trade off first place throughout the Summer, with the Pirates and Brewers just a little behind them. For what it's worth, Cincinnati always seems to find a way to falter in the clutch and St. Louis doesn't.  In long suffering Chicago...well...Cubs' fans will continue to suffer. In a just world this wouldn't happen to such fine folks. But, as John F. Kennedy was heard to say, "life isn't fair." I still expect Theo Epstein to build a winner in "the city of broad shoulders". Though maybe not in my lifetime. One thing is for certain: Houston will not finish last in the NL Central this year. Because the Astros are moving to the AL West, taking their patented brand of AAA baseball to the Junior Circuit. Where they will finish last.

And in the West, the Giants are defending World Champions again, the Dodgers spent a billion dollars, and the Diamondbacks traded their best all around player. Oh, and for some, possibly gritty, reason, Arizona likes to keep their best outfielder in reserve--just in case. Like Donald Sutherland's "Oddball" character in Kelley's Heroes. After an off season purge, my home team is loaded top to bottom with "character" guys and "grinders".  Now, if only they could play baseball a little better...The Giants don't have as much offense as the Dodgers, at least on paper. I also like LA's pitching a little more than San Francisco's, so take the Dodgers first, the Giants hot on their tails, the D-Backs, with their questionable starting rotation and line-up du jour, a furlong back, and the Rockies and Padres fighting it out for last. Sure, "the last shall be first", but not in this world. On the other hand, Denver and San Diego are beautiful places to spend the Summer, so it's not all bad for their fans.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Groundhog Day

You've got to hand it to the Republicans, they are nothing if not persistent.

Like a particularly avid suitor, they just won't take "No" for an answer.

They got their asses handed to them in the general election. They lost the presidency badly. They lost seats in the Senate. And, make no mistake about it, if they hadn't gerrymandered every district in each state they control, they would have lost the House, too.

Yet they immediately re-introduce the exact same measures the voters overwhelmingly rejected in November.

Well, maybe not "exact". In some cases they've made them worse. Because that's the way the modern Republican mind works, I guess.

Never underestimate their ability to take a bad idea, and fine tune it until it is truly awful.

It doesn't matter what the voters want, because being a Republican in the 21st Century means that you really don't trust democracy.

So, scream all you want about the need for gun control, minority rights, gay marriage, universal heath care, a woman's right to control her own body, and the sanctity of Medicare and Social Security.

You might as well be talking to the wall.

The truth is, we're all Bill Murray, and we get to live through this crap again. And again. And again.

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Dying Is Easy, Comedy Is Hard

For a moment I thought I'd stumbled onto the funniest political satire I've heard in years.

The most absurd, illogical nonsense offered up with a straight face. I was reminded of that Python bit about the Really Loony Party. Superb daftness.

Then it dawned on me that I was watching taped coverage of CPAC.

And they really mean that shit.

Ted "And You Thought Rick Perry Was The Biggest Asshole In Texas" Cruz and Rand "The Federal Government Is Worthless And That's Why I Fit Right In" Paul.

Sarah "Pay Me My Money Down" Palin and Ann "If I Were Just A Little More Feminine I'd Pass As A Female Impersonator" Coulter.

And let's not forget Louis "I'm No More Crazy Than The People Who Elected Me" Gohmert.


I mean, WOW!

Calling CPAC a freak show is insulting to sideshow freaks everywhere.

Friday, March 15, 2013


Former United States' Supreme Court associate justice Sandra Day O'Connor has written a new book!

It should be called:

"Memoirs of another Republican hack, who--and don't you dare call it affirmative action--though not even remotely qualified, somehow found herself on the Supreme Court, and managed to help subvert democracy by appointing George W. Bush President even though the other guy got more votes, including in Florida, but that's not judicial activism, because I'm a conservative."

But, alas, it is not...

Thursday, March 7, 2013

"It Kills Me Not To Be There In The White House"

So sayeth Willard Mitt Romney.

Putting aside for a moment that it would kill most of the rest of us to have him in the White House, not to mention the irreparable damage it would do to what's left of the Constitution, the social safety net, the Middle Class, and on and on, I have a simple solution to Mitt's malaise:

Take some of that money you have hidden in the Caymans, or Switzerland, or under the floor boards of the Temple in Salt Lake, you know, the fortune you made stripping companies, outsourcing jobs, and ladling on crippling debt--all the while paying yourself enormous consulting fees--and build yourself your own personal Really White House!!!

Then you and Ann and Tagg, and Slagg, and Gagg, and Ragg, and all the rest, including the dancing horse, can pretend to be POTUS and FLOTUS and all their little JERKUSes!!! Delusional fantasies are fun!! You'd think a Mormon would understand that.

So Willard, stop whining! Don't forget, you're a doer, not a taker.

Besides, there might be a pretty penny in this for you. All those people who have never accepted that we have a, gasp, black President, need a place to go. Charge admission. Pretend to govern. Make treaties. Hold state dinners. Enact imaginary laws to benefit your rich buddies.The possibilities are endless.

I tell you, there's money to be made. Lots and lots of money. And where you hide it is nobody's business but yours.

God Bless America!

Monday, March 4, 2013

Back To The Future, or: Sequester This

And so we are where we started.


With a government hamstrung by a few fanatic lunatics, who owe their allegiance not to the wishes of a majority of the American people, but to a handful of corporate interests and/or their own misguided interpretations of the Constitution.

Fanatics who take their marching orders from a bloated, bilious, radio talking head, an anti-tax lobbyist, the simpering mouthpiece of the gun manufacturers, and, "angels and ministers of grace defend us", the ghost of Ayn Rand!

Oh my.

Now, on top of everything else, Supreme Court justice Antonin "Clarence Thomas Is My Bitch" Scalia, who is just barely, recognizably human, tells us that protecting the rights of African-Americans to vote amounts to a "racial entitlement." This after the Republican Party spent an entire election cycle trying to figure out new ways to suppress the black vote--something which Republican controlled state legislatures gleefully continue to do 24-7.

Jesus Christ.