Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Countess Dracula


The camera shows a long shot of a castle somewhere in Transylvania, with the sun setting directly behind. The camera zooms in, as it shows us walk through the front door and down a hall until we find a stairway to the basement.

We slowly move down the stairs. We look down and see a coffin. The sun has just set. The lid slowly opens.

We zoom in and see Ann Coulter. Pale face, heavy eye shadow, red lipstick. She has her eyes closed.

Fade to Ann Coulter at CPAC: "If we don't nominate Chris Christie and run Mitt Romney, we will lose."

Fade to Christie praising President Obama for his and the government's reaction to Hurricane Sandy:
“I have to give the president great credit,” Christie, who delivered the keynote address at Romney’s nominating convention, said on the Fox News Channel. “He’s done, as far as I’m concerned, a great job for New Jersey.”

We see Coulter rise up in the coffin: "I've been betrayed! Christie, you will pay for this if it takes all eternity!"

Can't wait to see this commercial....

A Glimpse At The Future, or: Ayn Rand Thinks You're A Pussy

OK, so a very big storm hits once again, but this time there is no FEMA because President Romney and Vice-President Ryan are sure that disaster relief is something the states should handle on their own...

You know, states like Alabama and Mississippi and Louisiana and the Carolinas and Georgia. Because they always do such a great job looking after the welfare of their citizens...Uh huh.

Good, solid, God fearin' Red States. Don't want no federal gubmint meddlin' in our affairs. Certainly don't want no black man in the White House, unless he's servin' the white folks.The South shall rise again, y'all!

So good luck to you, you hateful, halfwit, racist hillbillies.

And, while you're picking through what's left of the double wide, looking for your Heroes of the Confederacy Commemorative Coasters, you can suck on this:

Paul Ryan believes in that Ayn Rand bullshit that you're on your own and make the most of it. A small amount of cream will rise to the top, the rest will fall by the wayside. That's life! I got mine, Fuck You!

And Willard Mitt Romney believes that churches should provide all that is needed. Of course, his church only takes care of members in good standing of his church. So, swallow your pride, get a lobotomy, and join the Church of Latter Day Saints. They'd love to have you!

[By the way, this big 'ol, badass storm has absolutely nothing to do with global warming, because as we all know, global warming is just another liberal plot designed to hurt the oil and coal companies. Why do they hate America so much?]

Saturday, October 27, 2012

It's All Greek To Me

One of the cherished talking points of the Right is how we are turning into Greece.

It has become so endemic that it has filtered down to the letters to the editor of The Arizona Republic, surely one of the lowest rings of the living Hell that is Right Wing Looneydom.

The hysterical rant goes something like this:

Soon we will be bankrupt--just like Greece!

And it will be because of the evil unions--just like Greece!

And all the entitlements of our welfare state--just like Greece!

And the lazy workers--just like Greece!

And the overall corruption of "socialism"--just like Greece!

I'm sure if there were some way to claim that Greece had a "black, anti-colonial Kenyan, Muslim" President, they'd do that too.

And I suppose if the Greeks had the world's largest economy, largest military, the world's safest currency, and their own central bank with the ability to print their own money, and set their own interest rates--we would be "just like Greece".

But they don't.

So anyone who tells you that we're in danger of becoming "just like Greece" is a fucking idiot. And you can quote me on that.

Of course, there is one way that we are exactly like Greece:

Many of the wealthiest Greeks have done everything they possibly can--legally and otherwise--to avoid paying taxes.

Remind you of anyone?

Monday, October 22, 2012

Great Moments In Arizona Law Enforcement

Let's call the roll, shall we?

First you've got the Border Patrol agents getting in a shoot out with each other, fatally for one of them. You know, there was a reason Andy only gave Barney the one bullet...

Then there's the southern Arizona sheriff, with three times the legal limit of alcohol in his system, wearing no seatbelt, who crashed his pickup. Sounds like he was going way too fast on a gravel road, too, but what the hell. "In for a penny, in for a pound", as they say. Now he's "brown bread", in Cockney rhyming slang. I'm sure to his family it's a tragedy, but to me it just looks like Darwin in action.

And what about Attorney General Tom Horne, currently under investigation for some funny business with a large sum of money during the 2010 election.

Don't forget  Paul Babeu, of "Baboo, You One Sexy Man" fame, still in the running for The Advocate's LGBT Hypocritical Lawman of the Year Award.

We certainly don't want to overlook Scottsdale cop James Peters, who, in his distinguished 12 year career, has been involved in 7 shootings--6 of which resulted in fatalities. Shoot first and ask questions later, huh?

All of these folks have a shot, no pun intended, at joining our Hall of Fame.

Whatever their noteworthy achievements, however, they will never be able to equal the ongoing disaster that is Sheriff Joe Arpaio.Very soon there will be yet another multi-million dollar wrongful death payout to the family of someone killed while incarcerated in Sheriff Joe's jail. That brings the total to, what, $50-60 million? Drop in the bucket. Then there's the $100 million gone missin' from his county funds. I'm sure it will turn up eventually. Probably just an accounting error, right? Add in the racial profiling, the pink underwear, the green baloney, Tent City, chain gangs, the hundreds of sexual assault cases he never investigated, the thousands of open warrants, the countless publicity stunts, and "America's Toughest Sheriff" has a record in "law enforcement" that is unparalleled. On the other hand, he's kept us safe from the ongoing threat of undocumented dishwashers, busboys, and gardeners. I'm sure the people who keep voting for him are very proud of his accomplishments. So don't be too surprised if he's re-elected. This is Arizona we're talking about, after all.

Now here's the really funny thing. I don't know about the Border Patrol agents, or "Quick Draw" Peters, but the rest of them belong to the Republican Party.

You know, the "Law and Order" party?

Ha Ha Ha.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


Why do the Romney bumperstickers just say "Mitt"?

Because "Vote for the party that believes in "legitimate" rape, hates minorities, thinks Wall Street is too regulated, fears women, loves guns, thinks Jesus rode a dinosaur and slavery wasn't so bad, demonizes teachers, ignores science, starts wars they refuse to fight in or pay for, wants to privatize Social Security and gut Medicare, encourages tax evasion, and thinks corporations are people and money is speech" doesn't fit on a bumpersticker.


Friday, October 12, 2012

Jan Brewer Accidentally Tells The Truth

The New York Times, which should still be washing the blood off its hands for the part it played in ginning up the war with Iraq, recently wasted a page of its Sunday magazine with a Q&A with Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer, figurehead governor of Arizona.

The desiccated hag, who is the head cheerleader for the private prison industry (because Chuck told her what to do), wandered off from her handlers long enough to answer a few questions. Her answers were about what you'd expect from a pea brain, reactionary, political hack.

In short, and I'm paraphrasing, "guns good--more guns better", "Joe Arpaio good--Mexicans bad",  "Obama petty with thin skin--me nice white lady" and so on, and so forth.

But in the midst of her predictable, semi-literate drivel she was quoted as saying the following:

"These madmen are going to find some way, somehow to create whatever it is they want to create."

Now, of course, like any good whack-job Republican, she was giving the party's rote answer about the futility of regulating guns.

But it seems to me she has come up with the perfect campaign slogan for Romney-Ryan, indeed for every Republican candidate everywhere.

Wednesday, October 10, 2012


John Sununu, one of the smaller chunks floating around in the clogged toilet bowl that is the Republican Tea Party, says that President Obama is "lazy" and "not that bright". I guess he forgot "shiftless".

Let's take a moment and  recall who and what John Sununu is--besides a Rush Limbaugh wannabe, that is: the foreign born, former governor of one of our less significant states and the one time chief of staff for George H.W. Bush--one of our less significant Presidents, whose son, Simple W,  is the gold standard for "lazy" and "not that bright". Sununu is another one of those delusional, blowhard Republicans who like to pretend that the Bush-Cheney years never happened, that everything was fine until the "unprepared, lazy, Kenyan, anti-American, socialist, Muslim usurper" somehow "tricked" the American people into electing him. Uh huh.

Here's a fun fact about Sununu: While he was Bush The Elder's chief of staff he used military aircraft to fly to golf resorts, ski lodges, and Republican fundraisers. You know, for the good of the country. It is estimated that this cost taxpayers over $600,000, of which Sununu, when called out over it, repaid only a pittance.

Sounds like just another Republican pig sucking on the teat of government while constantly decrying those who truly need government assistance as leeches.

Yeah, I'd value and respect his opinion. Oink.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Romney Method

We've all met people who could look us right in the eye, smile, and lie their asses off.

Usually they are trying to sell us something defective--snake oil or a used car or land in Arizona--and not running for the presidency of the United States.

But that, in a nutshell, is Willard Mitt Romney.

He will say whatever he thinks you want to hear, regardless of the facts.

Indeed, facts are completely fungible things in his hands.

If a previous statement becomes inconvenient, he will then deny that he ever said it.

Indeed, he will claim that you said it.

He will do this all with a twinkle in his eye, a smile and a firm handshake.

His one overriding purpose is to close the sale.

Maybe a country enraptured by "reality" TV and Faux News, a country that forgets--or never learned--those parts of its history that don't follow the phony, Tea Party narrative, deserves a smiler with a knife as Commander in Chief.

But, my God, has it come to this?

Wednesday, October 3, 2012


As a strategy, insulting almost half of the American people might seem, on the surface, like a bad idea.

Especially when a good portion of your base is included in the group you disparage.

Tactically, I'm reminded of Custer's approach to the Sioux: Other than that bit at the end, things worked out pretty well.

Obviously, the usual concepts of campaigning clearly don't apply to Willard Mitt Romney.

And why should they? In Mitt's mind, he is one of "the chosen".  And we are so very lucky to have him. Just ask Ann.

We are not capable of understanding "the chosen". We are merely here to serve them.

So, whatever he says, whatever he does, we should just shut up and agree.

Compared to him we are all lazy layabouts, under-achieving, moochers. People like us should learn our proper place.

If anyone has an overblown sense of entitlement, it is Willard Mitt Romney. Remember, this is the guy who thought he could just waltz in and take Ted Kennedy's Senate seat. Why? Nobody but Mitt knows.

But I'd guess it was because, well, he's Mitt.

Isn't that enough?