Welcome To West Mississippi

People think Arizona is a western state.

And geographically it is.

But in its soul, Arizona is in the deep, deep South.

Whatever small spots of hipness, coolness, or progressiveness it may contain are constantly buried under an avalanche of Trumpist MAGA cunts.

It is essentially West Mississippi, and we kid ourselves to believe otherwise.

The Legislature is controlled by brain dead troglodytes, who do everything they can to kill public education for all by pumping millions of dollars into charter schools for the few. Their phony 2020 election "audit" and subsequent deluge of legislation designed to keep anyone but their festering base from voting should tell you everything you need to know about how they feel about democracy. As far as social issues, well, might as well put sheets on them and light a cross on fire.

The Governor, Mr. Cup or Waffle Cone?, is a corporate whore, in bed with ALEC and whatever right wing billionaires willing to contribute to his campaigns. (He thinks he can run for President someday.  And given the current degenerate state of the Republican Party, he probably can.)

The main newspaper in the main city exists primarily to sell advertising, first, last, and always. Whenever their in-house "liberals" (and in any truly progressive state they would be considered "moderates") write anything remotely critical of the state's power structure, the resultant angry letters to the editor serve to highlight the low IQ's of the general populace.

The state has been in a drought for more than a decade, but that hasn't stopped countless new exurban subdivisions from being built, all with promises of 100 years of water. Because, you know, "free enterprise" always trumps common sense.

For years the state's mantra has been "we don't want to be another California!" No danger of that--except for the traffic. After all, California has countless world class Colleges and Universities. And major industries, including aerospace, defense, Silicon Valley, agriculture, shipping, entertainment--rather than relying on back office call centers, service industry jobs, and cheap houses, built further and further from the city core.

Another California? No, we're giving Mississippi, Alabama, and all the rest of good 'ol Dixie a run for their money!

 

 

Arizonan Of The Year

And here I thought Texas's Louie Gohmert was hands down the biggest ass hat, ignorant, peckerwood, dipshit, ever elected anywhere.

Au contraire.

As reported in the Phoenix New Times, Arizona Republican State House Rep. David Stringer was recently captured on audio calling non-native English speaking students a “burden,” saying black people “don’t blend in” and lamenting a supposed “white flight” in more diverse areas of the country.

After a lecture (!?!) at Arizona State University, Stringer told a student that “diversity in our country is relatively new." When challenged on this by the student, who mentioned the Italians and Irish,  Stringer replied “They were all European...So after their second or third generation, everybody looks the same. Everybody talks the same. That’s not the case with African-Americans and other racial groups because they don’t melt in. They don’t blend in. They always look different.”

When asked whether that should matter, Stringer hemmed and hawed, saying “maybe it doesn’t” but that “it seems to matter to a lot of people.”

Uh huh. It matters to a lot of bigoted, ass hat, peckerwood, dipshits.

You know, like David Stringer and the people who support him.

Your move, Gohmert. Your title is being challenged. Time to step up the stupid.

Two Pathetic Tiny Men

Apparently obeying laws, like paying taxes, are only for the "little people".

Of course Der Trump pardoned ass hat clown Joe Arpaio.

I'm guessing that the racist former sheriff reminds the racist so called President of his dear old racist daddy.

And in times like these, racist scum have to stick together.

Arpaio, who was known as "nickel bag Joe" for his fearless pursuit of small time drug users when he worked for the DEA, spent decades harassing gardeners, busboys, housekeepers, line cooks and day laborers--as long as they were Latino--all to the cheers of his loyal supporters, most of whom were and are senile. Other Maricopa County criminals got away with whatever they wanted, especially criminals of the white collar variety, of whom Arizona has many. Starting with the Republican controlled state government...

His "law and order" methods cost the state around a hundred million dollars from various law suits. But this never deterred his "base" who love the man who came to be known as Sheriff Joke.

And the Joke's base is Der Trump's base.

So...no pink underwear and green baloney sandwiches for Arpaio.

By the way, this pardon will do nothing for Trump's plummeting approval ratings. The pro-Arpaio people were already drunk on the orange kool aid.

Meanwhile large swaths of Texas are being washed away by Hurricane Harvey. The so called President's words of wisdom and comfort to them? "Good luck."

Der Trump will not only go down as the worst President ever, but also the most ridiculous. And it's not even close. The good news is, he can't pardon himself.

Yep, Trent Franks Is Still An Idiot

Trent Franks (sigh) is a Republican United States Congressman from my state (sigh) Arizona.

He is demonstrably an idiot, but that has never stopped, that will never stop the good, God (and everything else) fearing, abortion hating, members of his benighted district. The district includes one of those anti-septic enclaves full of old, retired, reactionary fuckers built by Del "Why yes, I did make a lot of money building casinos for the Mob. What are you inferring?" Webb. When Pete Townshend wrote "hope I die before I get old" these were exactly the kind of old people he was afraid of becoming...but I digress.

The fact that Trent is a couple of chromosomes shy of a full load is apparent to anyone who has ever seen a picture of Trent. I don't know what you call them now, but my grandmother used to call them mongoloids.

But no matter. Like Louie "Yes, I really am this stupid" Gohmert, who is his equal as an intellect and statesman, Franks is in the US Congress and you aren't. So there, loser!

Trent's latest, uh, faux pas, which is French for "every time Trent Franks opens his mouth", is his urgent warning that terrorists will smuggle atomic bombs in bales of marijuana.

Let that sink in for a minute and get back to me...

PS Remember the "you lie!" guy? Well, I've got 5 grand for the first member of Congress who yells "traitor" while the Liar in Chief is spewing. Consider it a contribution to their 2018 campaign.

What Has Senator John McCain Ever Done For The State Of Arizona?

(nothing)

(nada. zip. zilch.)

So, of course, he will be re-elected.

That's the way we roll out here...

Every Boy Needs A Mentor

Lil Dougie Ducey needed a mentor.

Sure, he'd made some money selling overpriced ice cream confections.

But he had so much more to offer the public!

He desperately wanted to be heard!

He desperately wanted to be a part of the solution!

He desperately wanted to be Governor of the benighted state of Arizona!

But how?

Fortunately, there were two kind older gentlemen, Dave and Chuckie Koch, who were looking for someone just like Dougie!

He was their kind of guy. Earnest, eager to learn, and not too bright. Let's call it malleable.

So they gave him guidance.

And millions and millions of untraceable dollars.

And lo and behold, Doug "Cup Or Wafflecone?" Ducey became the Governor of Arizona!

The State Where I Live...

Thinks it would be a good idea to mine uranium close to the Grand Canyon.

Also thinks it would be a good idea to build condos by the Canyon, because natural wonders are assets and all assets need to be monetized, don't ya know?

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Had its last state wide election decided almost entirely by Dark Money. Lots and lots of it for such a minor state. So dark corporate money decided who would be on the commission that regulates corporations. Beautiful!

Won't do anything to stop the flow of Dark Money. Because, you know, money is speech and speech is protected by the Constitution! Plus, everybody likes money! The more the merrier.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Vilifies the weakest among us. And yet couldn't function from day to day without them.

Attracts the kind of employers who pay subsistence wages with no benefits.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Elected an ice cream salesman to be governor (with the help of lots of Dark Money, of course!) Because, you know, free enterprise/run government like a business!

Screws the public schools on a daily basis, year in and year out.  And then blames the teachers for the problem.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Had to be sued to force the state to adequately fund the public schools.

Is currently exploring ways to steal from itself to pay this debt to the public schools. Rather, of course, than simply raising taxes.

Because, well, you know...

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best!

Welcome to West Kansas

Ya gotta give it to Arizona's Governor, Doug "Cup Or Wafflecone?" Ducey.

He can follow a plan!

ALEC and the Koch Brothers tell him what to do, and by golly, he does it. After all, he's already been bought and paid for, so he better deliver if he knows what's good for him.

What we see happening in Arizona is an almost exact duplicate of what's happened in Kansas.

A little something I like to call Modern Reactionary Republicanism Run Wild.

Now, if you keep up with current events you know that Kansas is a fucking disaster zone.

That's a fact.

And it's all because of the Republicans who control that state's government.

Their only goal is to cut taxes to "starve the beast" and put a few more dollars in their rich backers' pockets.  So public services fall apart, including education. And, of course, the economic miracles that are supposed to result from cutting taxes never happen.

But "facts" have no place in today's GOP.

And Republicans are incapable of learning from their mistakes.

With time and repetition tragedy becomes farce.

So welcome to West Kansas, er, I mean Arizona!

Regarding The Continuing Support For Sheriff Joe Arpaio

Look at it this way: I'm sure that in Berlin in the Spring of 1945, April say, you could find some folks who thought the boss was doing a good job, and that things were going to turn around any day now...

After all, this is Arizona. There are plenty of people still proudly sporting Bush-Cheney, McCain-Palin, and Romney-Ryan bumperstickers.

Common sense and reason don't really enter into it much.

Trying Hard To Be The Worst State In The Union

It's an uphill battle.

Mississippi, Alabama and the Carolinas all have a big head start.

Texas and Oklahoma work 24/7 to be truly awful.

Kansas has made a huge leap into the abyss just recently.

Florida is, well, Florida.

But by God, under the direction of Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone" Ducey, and the billionaires who bought him his office, and with the unwavering support of quite possibly the pound for pound stupidest legislature in these United States, Arizona is closing fast!

Don't misunderestimate us!

We have both a massive inferiority complex and a desperate need to be first in something.

We won't guarantee that you have minimal healthcare, or a good education, or a reliable safety net should hard times come--but we will never let anyone infringe on your right to be a gun lovin' asshole.

This is our chance.

This is our time.

Arizona: the "If You're Poor Just Do Us A Favor And Die" State!

Clarifying The Situation

Personally, I think it's great when a state codifies its prejudices and/or general stupidity. For one thing, it removes all doubt about what vermin they have as their governor and in their legislatures.

And that's a good thing!

Because now, when they pretend that they aren't bigoted, phony Christian, science denying, gerrymandering, vote suppressing, homophobic, misogynistic, sociopathic assholes, we can say, "hey, but you made this law, which clearly indicates that you are!"

Ha ha ha.

Not that it will matter to the idiots that elected them, but still...

So go Indiana! Go Arizona! Go Arkansas! Go Texas! Go Florida! Go Mississippi! Go North Carolina! Go South Carolina! Go Oklahoma! Go Kansas!

Hmmm, I see a definite pattern here...

The Hall Of Fame Of Arizona's Recent Republican Governors

Since some out of state folks, and we'll probably never learn who, thought it was worthwhile to buy the governorship of Arizona for the Republican candidate, as a public service let me refresh your memory about the last few Republican governors of Arizona:

Ev Mecham, the man who tried to re-popularize the word pickaninny. Ol Ev was, naturally, a successful businessman--well, he sold Pontiacs back when people still bought Pontiacs, I guess that counts--and he was so successful as Arizona's governor that he was called "an ethical pygmy" and then impeached by a legislature controlled by his own party! But not before he rescinded the MLK Jr. holiday and cost the state its first shot at hosting a Super Bowl. Go Ev!

J. Fife Symington. J. Fife was, you guessed it, a successful businessman, many of whose projects somehow went bankrupt, and who, through no fault of his own, of course, was convicted of fraud! A popular bumpersticker of the time read "Honk if Fife owes you money!" Fife's defense boiled down to "they should have known I was lying" (on his financial statements). If not for a Presidential pardon, Fife would have spent some quality time in prison.

Jane D. Hull. You can list Jane D's lifetime achievements on one side of a very small post-it and still have room for a fairly detailed grocery list. But she wasn't impeached or indicted, and in this field that makes her our champion!

Jan Brewer. Not terribly bright is perhaps the kindest description of Jan Brewer. Famous for wagging a boney finger in the face of President Obama, championing SB1070, and having the verbal dexterity of a brain damaged non-English speaker trying to improvise Shakespearean dialogue, Jan was, of course, beloved by all not terribly bright Arizonans, which fortunately for her was and is a majority!

Which brings us to the newly elected Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone?" Ducey, who is, wonder of wonders, a successful Republican businessman!

What could possibly go wrong?

Billionaire Beggars

Being a mostly red blooded American male I should be all excited by the football season.

I mean, really, what else matters in life?

And here in sad sad Arizona, "our" Cardinals are doing very well.

That's supposed to compensate for the low wages, crappy schools, hillbilly politics, racist sheriffs, brain dead populace, suburban sprawl, cultural wasteland, and all the rest of the ongoing river o' shit that is life in Arizona. Did I mention we have championship golf, too?

Bread and circuses, baby. Bread and circuses.

Unfortunately, I just can't bring myself to root root root for the home team.

Nothing against the players or the coaches. I'm sure they're a fine bunch of guys, with just the right mix of wife, and/or girlfriend, and/or child, and/or drug, abusers mixed in.

And I'm fine with all that. No, really, I am. I guess it's the libertarian in me.

What I can't abide are the team's billionaire beggar owners, the lovely Bidwill family.

Look in the dictionary under institutionalized mediocrity and there's a picture of Bidwill pere et fils.

4 winning seasons in 26 years in Arizona. This in the NFL, a league that does everything it can to insure parity. Wow. Because Arizona is the land of eternal optimism, after just one winning season the Cardinals were rewarded with a shiny new stadium at tax payer expense. This new bauble increased the value of the team enough to make the Bidwill's billionaires. Shouldn't that be enough for one lifetime?

But it's not enough. No, it's never enough.

Hardly a month goes by without young Michael Bidwill whining about the Cardinals not getting their fair share of something. Parking or signage or whatever. Their "partners", the City of Glendale, may crash and burn financially, but until Mikey's happy with his cut, nothing else matters.

Of course, they are not alone in this. Every major city in America has been, or will be, held hostage by some billionaire scum who owns the local team and wants something--usually a tax payer funded new stadium to replace the tax payer funded old stadium. Because, well, you know, old stuff's creepy.

Not nearly as creepy as a bunch of old white men with too much money and power and an overwhelming sense of entitlement...

Go Team!

How Much For Arizona?

So a lot of Dark Money flowed into Arizona for the recent election...

Millions and millions and millions of dollars!!

Almost all of it went to Republican candidates.

Why?

Trust me, there isn't anything in Arizona worth all the money that was spent here.

No oil, no shale, not much water to privatize, and the mines are already spoken for.

Unless they think they can get their hands on the Grand Canyon...hmmm?

Millions and millions to get Doug Ducey elected governor? Doug Ducey? Please.

No, on the face of it, it doesn't make much sense.

Until you remember how the Germans used the Spanish Civil War to work out the kinks in their tactics. Field test the Stuka's and Panzers. They didn't really care much about Franco or Spain, they were just practicing for something more important...finding out what worked, and what didn't work.

I think that's what we just saw in Arizona and some of the other unimportant states. A field test. How often do you have to repeat a lie before people start to believe it? Daily? Hourly? On every station? What does that cost per vote? Crunch the numbers.

Got to get ready for the next Blitzkrieg.

Dr. Strangelove, or: John McCain Doesn't Know Anything About Anything

I've lived in Arizona for a long time...certainly much longer than Senator John McCain. I'll probably be here long after he's gone, too. And, if you put a gun to my head, I still couldn't name one thing he's done for the people of Arizona.

But even worse than his lack of any tangible legislative achievements is the faith that some media types seem to put in his foreign policy acumen. Let Vladimir Putin fart and there's McCain, expounding...

And he's always wrong. Always.

Remember "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran"? Remember "We're all Georgians now"? Remember his predictions about the Iraq War? Remember the Keating 5?

Here's McCain's curriculum vitae: He was a prisoner of war. Doesn't that mean that he fucked up on some fundamental level?  He survived imprisonment. That's his expertise.Then he dumped the first wife on her sickbed, married the young daughter of a wealthy liquor distributor, ran for a safe Republican seat in the House, and then, because the voters in Arizona get all mushy over a boy in uniform--regardless of their qualifications--he ascended to the Senate. The rest, as they say, is history. I will only add that with the first big, important decision he had to make as a Presidential candidate he gave us the gift that is Sarah Palin. Res ipsa loquitur.

None of this makes him an expert on anything, except opportunism.

Now, on the other hand, if you were casting a screwball comedy, McCain and his little buddy, Miss Lindsey Graham, would make a perfect couple: A bitter old man and a dithering hysteric.

Well, hell, I guess that's exactly what we're living through, though, isn't it?

A screwball comedy where the most ridiculous people are taken seriously.

Best Movie Of The Year

OK, it's not exactly a movie, but that video of the little girl shooting the idiot who's "teaching" her to shoot an Uzi is priceless.

First of all, what kind of moron parents think it's a good idea for a 9 year old, girl or boy, to shoot an Uzi?

What, are we in the Middle East now? Is the white paranoia so strong that it repels any vestige of common sense?

"They're coming to get you honey, you better be ready. So put down that Barbie, and lock and load!"

Secondly, what kind of dumb bastard would agree to teach a 9 year old girl to shoot an Uzi? Oh, that's right, he was a trained professional. My bad.

I guess my second favorite part of this whole sad tale is the dumb bastard's Facebook page that states:"In the event of tyranny...I'd prefer a fighting chance."

Uh, he's going to protect us from tyranny, but he couldn't even protect himself from a 9 year old girl...The smart money is on tyranny.

Of course the poor child is probably damaged for life, but really, I say that's a small price to pay for our unbridled Second Amendment rights.

Hey, maybe Wayne "A Gun Is A Tool And So Am I" LaPierre will pay for all the many years of therapy she's going to need.

The again, maybe not.

Oh, I know, I know, this is just an awful accident. Of course it is.

It always is.

It's Always All About The Benjamins

I'm not sure why it took almost a week for Jan Brewer to decide to veto SB1062.

I mean, it was two pages long. But that's why you have staff.  To read stuff and explain it to you.

Anyway, it seemed like a "no brainer" and therefore just right for our gal.

But I guess they had to run through the numbers for her a few times.

Until she understood.

Not that it was discriminatory.

Not that it was hateful.

Not that it was probably unconstitutional.

Not that it was just one more example of how backwards Arizona can be.

No. It was going to cost certain people cold hard cash. A lot of cold hard cash.

And we can't have that.

Now, to be fair, if you can come back with a law that will allow us to discriminate against certain people and not cost us anything monetarily, well, then Governor Jan would be happy to listen to you.

The Best News I've Had All Year!

Sometimes, in the deep gloom of winter, as we huddle around the fire and pray for the return of the light, a miracle happens...

Today I learned that faded action film "star" Steven "Yes, This Is Really The Way I Run" Seagal has announced that he might, might, consider throwing his hat--and possibly his hair with it--into the ring for the governorship of Arizona!

Seagal, no dummy he, has been palling around with Sheriff Joe Arpaio--a.k.a. America's Toughest Sheriff--a man whose performance in office has cost the taxpayers of Maricopa County tens of millions of dollars in wrongful death and wrongful arrest suits. He has observed the ongoing wonder that is Governor Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer. He has read the profound statements issued by Tea Party darlings Trent Franks, David Schweikert and Paul Gosar. And he has realized that there are no qualifications to hold public office in Arizona.

So why not him? And, since Hollywood can be so cruel to the rapidly aging especially when they are untalented, why not now?

This is exactly what I've been waiting for.

You see, Arizona has been stuck at 47 or 48 in the rankings of horrible states for way too long. God knows we aren't going to go up to number 1 ever or even break into the top 25.

You wanna know why? Way too many Midwesterners move here. And they don't care about the arts or education or good jobs or healthcare or mass transit or the environment. No, they just want a little sun before they die. And low taxes. And to get away from "them", of course. The dreaded  "other".

So they come here, live off their Social Security, relying on Medicare to keep them alive a little longer, all the time whining about the "damn Federal gubmint", while stuffing themselves with Mexican food as they complain about Mexicans. Ironic, ain't it?

Anyway, while we can't ever hope of getting better, there is a real possibility that we can get worse. Much worse. And Governor Steven Seagal--with the help of our inestimable Klown Kollege legislature--is just the man to do it.

Mississippi and Alabama and South Carolina better watch out. 'Cause we're coming for them!

The Paper Of Record

The world is a constant source of amazement and, let's face it, amusement.

Just the other day, the paper of record in my town, The Arizona Republic, had the following headline on its front page: Tax-credit program helping rich Ariz. schools get richer.

Set aside for a moment the somewhat odd abbreviation for Arizona (there are no apparent style guidelines at the Republic, God love 'em), and let's concentrate on the story itself:

The parents of students at the wealthier schools make more tax-credit donations than the parents of students at poorer schools. Probably because they have more money, huh?

So the students of the wealthier schools end up with more and better everything.

You are, no doubt, shocked, shocked to find this out.

As usual, the Republic has a grasp on the obvious that is breathtaking.

Solutions? No, not really. Outrage? Not much, wouldn't want to offend the well off.

So...nothing to be done. Carry on.

Happy Holidays!

Fire

Arizona has been in a drought for more than a decade. There is also a plague of bark beetles attacking whatever living trees they can find.

This leads to a lot of very dry wood.

Because both the state and the Feds can't seem to agree on (or pay for) the requisite forest clearing there's lots and lots of undergrowth to help stoke any fire that happens to start for whatever reason.

And because in Arizona we don't want no dang gubmint meddling in our lives, we allow people to build houses or park their trailers right in the middle of a tinderbox.

Inevitably someone throws a cigarette out of a car, or fails to put out a campfire, or maybe it's simply just a lightning strike. An "Act of God", the insurance companies call it.

It starts as just a spark.

Then the winds shift and lots of brave men die.

And The Arizona Republic gets to take a shot at finally winning a Pulitzer for reporting by running the same tragic stories over and over for weeks. I guess that's what they think "in depth" means.

Arizona's Governor, Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer, has asked the hated Feds for aid to help the victims of the fires. Arizona is already a net taker state, so what's a little more? I mean, come on, we're all in this together. Right?

Mrs. Brewer belongs to the Republican Party. You know, the party that demonizes unions just like the ones that fire fighters, policemen, and teachers belong to. Her party also loves to cut taxes and the necessary programs that taxes are used for. If there's a way to underfund something, by God we'll find it!

Welcome to Arizona. We may not want to pay to make your dangerous job a little easier or safer.

But we'll sure throw you a grand funeral.