Thursday, May 28, 2015

Trying Hard To Be The Worst State In The Union

It's an uphill battle.

Mississippi, Alabama and the Carolinas all have a big head start.

Texas and Oklahoma work 24/7 to be truly awful.

Kansas has made a huge leap into the abyss just recently.

Florida is, well, Florida.

But by God, under the direction of Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone" Ducey, and the billionaires who bought him his office, and with the unwavering support of quite possibly the pound for pound stupidest legislature in these United States, Arizona is closing fast!

Don't misunderestimate us!

We have both a massive inferiority complex and a desperate need to be first in something.

We won't guarantee that you have minimal healthcare, or a good education, or a reliable safety net should hard times come--but we will never let anyone infringe on your right to be a gun lovin' asshole.

This is our chance.

This is our time.

Arizona: the "If You're Poor Just Do Us A Favor And Die" State!

Sunday, May 24, 2015

Just Another Freak Show

The Duggar family, the reality TV clan famous for rabbit like fecundity if nothing else, have become right wing darlings. 

They preach abstinence before marriage and the usual collection of right wing crap. Anti-gay, anti-abortion, etc. They are courted by conservative politicians hoping to tap into that wide, rich, vein of unnatural stupidity that runs through the heartland of this great country of ours.

One of their sons, Josh Duggar, likes to molest little girls. In a pinch, his own sisters.


Well, why waste the gas and travel time?

Besides, family values. Am I right?!

This is really not too surprising. You deny natural urges and all sorts of weird stuff bubbles up.

Take the Catholic Church, for instance.

Or the Christian televangelists who rant and rave, spit flying everywhere, all the way to the bank.

I suppose the question we should be asking ourselves is "how many perverts can you cram into one religion?"

I don't need a hard number, just ballpark it for me, would ya?

Not to worry, little Duggar.

Your God will forgive you... because apparently your God is as big a creep as you are.


Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Standard Deviation

So Bruce Jenner has been a woman trapped in man's body all these years.

OK. Fine. I'm sure that happens more than we can guess. And it's not really the business of anyone who isn't directly involved. Even if they do decide to make it into a TV show...

I wish him peace and happiness and inner contentment after what must have been a lifetime of feeling "other".

But he's also announced that he's a Republican at heart.

How you can identify yourself with a party that has spent decades demonizing the "other", including you and people like you, is beyond me.

Hell brother, some of them want to kill people like you! And most of the rest wish you'd just disappear yourself.

Are lower taxes really worth all that?

Saturday, May 16, 2015

Starring Jeb Bush As The Human Weather Vane

Remember that scene from Chinatown when Jack Nicholson is fed up being lied to and starts slapping Faye Dunaway around and Dunaway keeps saying "she's my sister, she's my daughter, my sister, my daughter" and so on?

Well Old Jebber kinda reminded me of that with his Iraq War talk.

Except there wasn't anybody there to slap the truth out of him.

Yup, he more or less did that all to himself.

"I would. I wouldn't. I would. I wouldn't."

That high pitched "whirrrrr" you thought was tinnitus? That's just Jeb, spinning!

And he's supposed to be the "smart" one.

Then again, in that family "smart" is a relative term.

Sunday, May 10, 2015

A Brief Message From God

Hi, Almighty here.

Had a couple of shots of Irish so forgive any punctuation, spelling or syntax errors.

Hey, wait a minute! I sort of invented all that shit, so I guess I can change it any time I want. Cool.

It's really fun being omniscient and omnipotent, and, uh, you know, that other stuff.

But even with all that, I still had the Spurs in six.

I mean, Jesus H. make your free throws!

Now, where was I? Oh yeah. There are a lot of folks claiming that I spoke to them and told them to run for president. Some clowns named Huckabee and Santorum and, oh hell I can't remember all the rest of their names, because frankly, it's a big universe, and I really don't have any reason to.

There are much more interesting things going on elsewhere. You should see some of the shit that I see! For example, on the far edges of the galaxy, the Kardashians would qualify as a model of well adjusted family life.

Anyhoo, even though I'm 100% certain that these folks are hearing voices, I'm also 100% certain that they aren't hearing mine.

As a general rule, when someone says "God told them" to do something, they crazy. Keep an eye on them. And whatever you do, don't let them be in charge of anything. Anything.

I don't talk to people, OK? Never have, never will. Not my style. I set things up so that sane people could make sane choices. Not would. Could. The fact that some of you choose to go in exactly the opposite direction is not my problemo.

Oh, and just between you and Me, when you pray, you're pretty much talking to yourself. It all goes into a file that I'll probably never get around to reading. Sort of like the NSA.

Also, I don't care who wins any football game or boxing match. Or any sporting event, really.

But I will say this: the Patriots would've beaten the Colts if they played with bowling balls.

One last thing. OBAMA 2016: Just To Piss You Off.

God out.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Quote Of The Day

"I think I'm the best person for the job because I understand how the economy actually works. I understand the world; who's in it."

Carly Fiorina, announcing her candidacy to be the 2016 Republican presidential nominee, said that.

Yes she did.

This would be the same Carly Fiorina who almost ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground. Along the way, she laid off 30,000 workers, while giving herself large bonuses.

When she was finally ousted by the H-P Board of Directors, she walked away with a Golden Parachute worth an estimated 40 million dollars.

Hey, she does understand how the economy works! For some people...

Wow. Just when you thought the Klown Kar couldn't possibly get any, uh, does!

With Letterman and Jon Stewart retiring, I was worried about the state of comedy in these troubled times.

No need! We can always count on The Republican Party to be a consistently reliable source of both mad cap zaniness, and groundbreaking political satire 24-7 365!