Monday, February 27, 2017

Yep, Trent Franks Is Still An Idiot

Trent Franks (sigh) is a Republican United States Congressman from my state (sigh) Arizona.

He is demonstrably an idiot, but that has never stopped, that will never stop the good, God (and everything else) fearing, abortion hating, members of his benighted district. The district includes one of those anti-septic enclaves full of old, retired, reactionary fuckers built by Del "Why yes, I did make a lot of money building casinos for the Mob. What are you inferring?" Webb. When Pete Townshend wrote "hope I die before I get old" these were exactly the kind of old people he was afraid of becoming...but I digress.

The fact that Trent is a couple of chromosomes shy of a full load is apparent to anyone who has ever seen a picture of Trent. I don't know what you call them now, but my grandmother used to call them mongoloids.

But no matter. Like Louie "Yes, I really am this stupid" Gohmert, who is his equal as an intellect and statesman, Franks is in the US Congress and you aren't. So there, loser!

Trent's latest, uh, faux pas, which is French for "every time Trent Franks opens his mouth", is his urgent warning that terrorists will smuggle atomic bombs in bales of marijuana.

Let that sink in for a minute and get back to me...

PS Remember the "you lie!" guy? Well, I've got 5 grand for the first member of Congress who yells "traitor" while the Liar in Chief is spewing. Consider it a contribution to their 2018 campaign.

Thursday, February 23, 2017

Note To Our "So Called" President:

Hey DonDon,

I understand that you like to tell people how smart you are and how good your brain is.

I suppose this isn't that unusual. Really bright people do it all of the time.

Einstein always introduced himself like this: "I'm Albert Fucking Einstein and I'm the smartest guy in this room!"

And Stephen Hawking? Jesus, just try to stop him from talking about his "big brain"!

The list could go on and on.

But here's the deal, DonDon: most people with big good brains have actually accomplished something important. Piggy backing on your racist Dad's real estate dealings, while it seems to impress your legion of "low information voters", really isn't that important. Sorry.

Throw your multiple bankruptcies into the pot, and your qualifications as a really "smart" guy seem even less provable.

So, maybe shut up about how superior your genetic pool is, huh? I mean, honestly, a good, long, look in the mirror should shatter all of your delusions. Am I right?

To give you credit where credit is due, you are right about one thing: the whole world is laughing at us...thanks to you.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Tips For Foreign Leaders Meeting Trump For The First Time

1. Try not to laugh.

2. Don't expect to understand what he's saying. No one does.

3. Don't panic. That's the way he shakes hands with everyone.

4. Try not to laugh.

5. Just when you think he's done talking, he will start up again on a completely unrelated topic. So don't interrupt.

6. It will seem like time has stopped and you are trapped in some sort of Bizarro Hell. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat.

7. Try not to laugh.

8. Even when he says something that sounds hilarious to you, always remember that he has no sense of humor, and these are not attempts at humor. He is being, in his mind, "Presidential".

9. Please don't stare at his tiny, childlike hands. He's very sensitive about them.

10. Focus on something pleasant. Puppies. Kittens. Ice cream. Puppies and kittens eating ice cream. That sort of thing.

11. Feel free to let your mind wander. His certainly does. Like the song says, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream."

12. Try not to laugh.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

They Still Don't Care

It should be apparent to all but the dullest amongst us that Donald J. Trump is a foolish buffoon.

A stunted, spoiled, manchild oaf, he governs by tantrum and whim. And lie upon lie.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

The pivot back to sane, responsible, intelligent, adult behavior that was supposed to happen, never happened. It never will happen. Simply because it can't happen. He is not capable of sane, responsible, intelligent, adult, behavior.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

He worries about the plight of working class people about as much as a pig worries about particle physics.

He has larded his White House with Goldman Sachs lackeys--just as he warned us Mrs. Clinton would. But it's OK because he's a "successful" white male. Not a woman. Not black. So, it's all good.
Except that it isn't. What it is, is rampant kleptocracy and a systematic dismantling of 100 plus years of progress.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

He surrounds himself with white nationalists, nut job generals, serial liars, and billionaire grifters. Literally the scum of the earth.

He is quite probably a traitor to everything but money and his own deluded ego. A stooge, in hock to Putin and God knows who else.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

And so, all those Trump banner waving simpletons who roared as he promised to Make America Great Again, who frothed at the mouth as they chanted "lock her up", those pea brains who were dead certain that they were being fucked over by "the liberals" and that black man, blinded by racism and stupidity, are about to be really fucked over by the Clown in Chief.

 But the people who voted for him still don't care.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Why Does Steve Bannon Look Like He Has End-Stage Syphilis?

Now, I'm not saying that he does have end-stage syphilis. That would be wrong of me.

But some people are asking why does he look like he has it, if he doesn't?

And if he does have it, where did he contract it?

In what bus station men's room?

Did he get it from that Greek Breitbart kid, Myanus Stuffaloopulus, or whatever his name is? My God, is it an epidemic?!

These are questions that need answers. Indeed, an anxious public demands answers.

Personally, I'd say Bannon looks more like a drop down drunk, but I can understand why people would go with end-stage syphilis.

Of course, it could be both.

By the way, some other people are saying there's a smell of sulfur every time Bannon opens his mouth. Is that true? Does it have anything to do with a pact with the Devil?

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Decline And Fall

If you're old enough to recall the Cuban missile crisis, or have bothered to read a history of that time, you'll know that most of our top military men were prepared to start a nuclear war over Cuba.

But Kennedy said no.

Advisors of that same mindset now surround our Flaming Orange Anus in Chief.

And he ain't no JFK.

He is, rather, a spoiled child, with the impulse control of a toddler, and the intellectual curiosity of a single cell organism, wrapped up in the body of a bloated, bitter, senior citizen.

The silver lining to all of these dark, dark clouds, is that it might well be a relief to finally get rid of the CIA. Who needs 'em now? Trump is really smart--so smart he doesn't require intelligence briefings. After all, he has Putin to tell him what's going on...

And Vlad the Elector wouldn't mislead DonDon. Would he?

When Rome started to fall, I'm sure there were some sage old hands who believed that this was only temporary, that things would change back, that the Roman Empire was eternal.

Turns out it wasn't.

On the plus side, now that we have the Russians' stooge firmly in place with the full throated support of the GOP, whenever a Republican starts talking about patriotism and how much they love our country we can just laugh in their face.