Dear Jared And Ivanka

Hi Jared! Hi Ivanka!

You seem like nice kids.*

But some of your choices, which to sane people appear to be the actions of complete hypocrites and ethical pygmies, lead me to the conclusion that somewhere along the way you got off track. Like the song says, "one step forward and several million steps back."

This was not your fault.

After all, you were both raised by career criminals. Your fathers represent the lower depths of humanity. Pere Kushner went to jail for his actions. And Pere Trump? Good God, where to begin with him? In a just world he would've been sitting in solitary confinement somewhere for the last 30 years. Apparently your mothers were too busy shopping to give you any moral guidance at all. #SAD

Is it any wonder you behave the way you do? No it is not.

In fact, it would be a miracle if you'd turned out to be anything but what you are.

Again, this was not your fault. 

But, as Goering said at the Nuremberg Trials, "let's put all this ugliness behind us, ok?"

I offer this as a friend. All good things must end, and it's time for you to leave Washington. Trust me, if you stay, things will only get uglier. You have no idea how ugly.

I'm worried about you and your well being. Think of your "reputations". Think of your children. Start making a list of possible aliases. You can use the same first initials if it helps save on monogramming. Joe Kramer and Ida Tusk? Jerry Kimble and Iona Thimble? Plastic surgery might be a good idea, too.

Do not go back to New York city! They do not want you. They do not need you. It will get really uncomfortable the moment you show your faces anywhere in the Big Apple. You are both delicate creatures. Especially you, Jared. And, should you somehow avoid prison sentences, NYC is the last place on earth you want to be.

So where should you go?

I'm thinking either Moscow, Beijing, Jerusalem, or Riyadh.

You have friends there, don't you? Or, if not exactly "friends", people with similar interests.

If you need help packing, I'm only a phone call away.

Yours,

B. Franklin

(*I'm lying here. It's a rhetorical device. They actually seem like truly awful people.)

Dear Israel,

Dear Israel,

Nobody said you couldn't have a war with Iran--if that's what you really want.

Just do it on your own dime.

Let's see how long Sheldon Adelson can keep you afloat...

Shalom!

Your Pal,

The Good Old USA

PS remember the U.S.S. Liberty?

Oy Vey!

So Bibi Netanyahu will say anything to win an election?

There's a big surprise.

And having won, he will then retract what he said to appease the U.S. ?

Another big surprise.

Of course, the biggest surprise is that anyone still believes he won't do everything he can to destroy what's left of the Palestinians. After all, that has been the heart and soul of Israeli policy since the very first Zionists.

I mean, come on! Who you gonna believe, Bibi or your lying eyes?

Hey, I understand why Israel needs us.

But for the life of me I can't think of why we need them...except, perhaps, to salve our feeling of residual guilt about the Holocaust.

Oh, and by the way, John McCain telling President Obama to get over his "temper tantrum" is the funniest thing I've heard in awhile. McCain's entire political career has been an off and on temper tantrum.

And it's been continuously on since the 2008 election.

God's Chosen People, or: 100-1

It is a simple, easily understood ratio: For every Israeli killed, at least 100 Palestinians must die. Think back to World War II...remind you of anyone?

Now, the Palestinians breed faster that the Israeli's, so we better make that ratio 1000-1. And continue to provoke whenever and wherever we can.

Until there aren't any Palestinians left.

Then all of ancient Judea will be ours!

Which has been the plan all along. Forget that nonsense about separate states. From the first Zionists in the late 1800's to the partition of 1948 and onward until today it has been a case of how soon can we get rid of these people? They are on our land. Doesn't matter how long they've lived here. It is ours! God gave it to us! What, would you argue with God?

Obviously, to the folks running Israel, the only good Palestinian is a dead Palestinian.

Couching it in any other way and pretending otherwise does us all a disservice.

Tramps Like Us, Baby, We Were Born To Eat

Turns out that Chris Christie, the morbidly obese Governor of New Jersey, is a big Springsteen fan.

The longer I live, the more I encounter things in this world that just dumbfound and amaze me. This is one of those things.

It is obvious that Christie has no idea what Springsteen has been singing about for the last 40 years or so.

If he listened to the lyrics and took them to heart, well, he wouldn't be Chris Christie. He couldn't be.

Bruce Springsteen champions almost everything that an obnoxious loudmouth bully like Christie is against.

You know, things like community, working people, racial justice, economic fairness, equality, unions, brotherhood, the struggle of the common man against the corporation....

Things that Chris "Super Size Me!" Christie has nothing in common with.

PS It occurs to me that, as Springsteen tours Europe, he offers a look at the best of America...whereas Mitt Romney, as he races off to kiss Bibi Netanyahu's ass after his various London debacles, offers up the worst.