Thursday, July 18, 2019

You Might Be A Racist If...

You've ever started a sentence with, "I'm not a racist, but..."

You think that slavery wasn't that bad.

You're fond of telling other American citizens to "go back to where they came from."

You have a Confederate flag.

You're a Republican who remains silently complicit.

You support Donald J. Trump.

You are related to Donald J. Trump.

You are Donald J. Trump.

See, it's really not that hard to spot a racist. I don't know what the confusion is. Or the hesitation to call things what they truly are.

Because when someone shows you what they are, over and over again, only a fool wouldn't believe them.

Thursday, July 11, 2019

The Important Thing Is That The Market Is Up!

There are children in cages, drinking water from toilets--but the market is up!

The President is a traitorous imbecile--but the market is up!

Our election was hacked, our infrastructure is old and decrepit, the rich keep getting tax breaks that they do not need, white supremacists wander the halls of the White House, cops keep shooting people of color on an almost daily basis, Mitch McConnell is a cancer on democracy--but the market is up!

Things can and will fall apart.

But the important thing is that the market is up!

You probably don't own any stock, or, if you do own stock, not very much of it...most of us don't. Sure, pension funds are heavily invested in the market, but who do you know with a pension these days? And, if you do have a pension, there's a very good chance that either A) it's underfunded to the point of insolvency; or B) somewhere a Republican is plotting to take it away from you.

But, whether or not you own any stock, the important thing is that the market is up!

Monday, July 1, 2019

Signor Baseball's Midseason Update

Repeat after me, "the balls are not juiced, the balls are not juiced, the balls are not juiced."

Feel better?

Apparently the powers that be have decided that what the fans really want is a season long episode of Home Run Derby.

So, anyway, as we race past the halfway mark of the MLB season, let us pause to ask the eternal questions: where the hell are we and what the hell is going on?

In the AL, several surprises surprise us. Minnesota is much better than anyone expected, and if the Indians don't get their asses in gear, their reign in the Central will be over. The Yankees are also out performing expectations, especially considering that they've been without their best starter and their two top power hitters practically all year. I still expect Boston to make a race out of it, but like  Cleveland, they better do it soon. Tampa is also a surprise, and has a good shot at a Wild Card berth.

In the West, Seattle has been the biggest disappointment and Texas the biggest surprise. But Houston is still the class of this division, and the best the Rangers and maybe the A's can hope for is one of the Wild Cards. The Angels have the best player in baseball in Mike Trout, a future Hall-of-Famer in Albert Pujols, and that Japanese cat, Ohtani, who is very, very good. This makes them wonderfully entertaining for a dozen or so at bats every game, but isn't quite enough to make them contenders.

Over in the National League East, the Phillies aren't nearly as good as expected, but the Braves don't look strong enough to run away from them, so expect that race to go down to the last week of the season. The Nationals starting pitching is still very strong, but they seem stuck right around .500, which won't win them anything.

In the Central, the Cubs haven't been able to separate themselves from Milwaukee. In fact the entire division is bunched together, as they all take turns beating each other. This should give some measure of hope to fans of the Reds and Pirates and especially the Cardinals, who've spent the first half of the season muddling along. On paper, Chicago is still the class of this division, but until they start playing like it...

Out West it's all Dodgers. Colorado, San Diego and, quelle surprise, Arizona, have taken turns being second. But it is a very distant second...I guess the question to ask is whether L.A. is that good, or is everybody else that mediocre? I'm leaning toward the latter.

By the way, while I was writing this 10 guys you've never heard of hit 450 foot homers.

Monday, June 24, 2019

The Art Of The Deal...Explained By Donald J. Trump

OK. So the most important thing in any deal is that we make money. And when I say we, I mean ME. I make money.

First thing: Don't bring up morality. I don't know from morality. In fact, I don't know anything about morality. I know money. And money is completely amoral.

So, if we can get Saudi Arabia, for instance, to buy a bunch of weapons, a bigly amount, billions of dollars worth, does it really matter how many journalists they dismember? No, it does not. Because, believe me, I get a cut, no pun intended. Off the top, too. I know that some people are saying that the Saudis are using the weapons we sell them to murder the people of Yemen even as we speak. So what? I don't even know where Yemen is. Anyway, if the Yemenis can get some cash together, we'd be happy to sell them weapons, too.

And, if Israel also buys a bunch of weapons, who cares how many Palestinians they displace and/or kill? How many weapons have the Palestinians bought from us? NONE. That's how many. Again, I make sure I get a cut, one way or another.

If I could figure out a way to sell weapons to the Russians and Chinese and North Koreans and even the Iranians, I would in a New York minute! You better believe it. Their money is just as good as any other country's.

Remember, nothing lasts forever, and long term alliances are just begging to be broken. Ask my ex-wives.

Tuesday, June 18, 2019

Just One Question For Trump Supporters

I'm tired.

You're tired.

We're all tired.

If you're not tired of Donald J. Trump, there is something very, very wrong with you.

So, the question for Trump supporters is: "What does he have to do to lose your support?"

He lies constantly. He lies at an unbelievable rate.  10,000 provable lies and counting since his inauguration. That doesn't seem to bother you.

He violates the Constitution every day. Every fucking day! That doesn't seem to bother you.

He has NO discernible positive achievements as President. His entire Presidency has consisted of the aforementioned lies and appeasing various dictators, who are apparently his role models for governance. That doesn't seem to bother you.

He just admitted that he will willingly collude with foreign governments during the next election. And he has done absolutely NOTHING to stop foreign governments from meddling in said election. That doesn't seem to bother you.

So, what does he have to do to lose your support?

He lies, he cheats, he steals, he disregards the law, he commits something that looks very much like treason on a regular basis, and still you support him.

Is demonizing people with brown or black skin worth that much to you? You'd let our country be dismantled just to punish "them"?


Wednesday, June 5, 2019

Dear Jared And Ivanka

Hi Jared! Hi Ivanka!

You seem like nice kids.*

But some of your choices, which to sane people appear to be the actions of complete hypocrites and ethical pygmies, lead me to the conclusion that somewhere along the way you got off track. Like the song says, "one step forward and several million steps back."

This was not your fault.

After all, you were both raised by career criminals. Your fathers represent the lower depths of humanity. Pere Kushner went to jail for his actions. And Pere Trump? Good God, where to begin with him? In a just world he would've been sitting in solitary confinement somewhere for the last 30 years. Apparently your mothers were too busy shopping to give you any moral guidance at all. #SAD

Is it any wonder you behave the way you do? No it is not.

In fact, it would be a miracle if you'd turned out to be anything but what you are.

Again, this was not your fault. 

But, as Goering said at the Nuremberg Trials, "let's put all this ugliness behind us, ok?"

I offer this as a friend. All good things must end, and it's time for you to leave Washington. Trust me, if you stay, things will only get uglier. You have no idea how ugly.

I'm worried about you and your well being. Think of your "reputations". Think of your children. Start making a list of possible aliases. You can use the same first initials if it helps save on monogramming. Joe Kramer and Ida Tusk? Jerry Kimble and Iona Thimble? Plastic surgery might be a good idea, too.

Do not go back to New York city! They do not want you. They do not need you. It will get really uncomfortable the moment you show your faces anywhere in the Big Apple. You are both delicate creatures. Especially you, Jared. And, should you somehow avoid prison sentences, NYC is the last place on earth you want to be.

So where should you go?

I'm thinking either Moscow, Beijing, Jerusalem, or Riyadh.

You have friends there, don't you? Or, if not exactly "friends", people with similar interests.

If you need help packing, I'm only a phone call away.


B. Franklin

(*I'm lying here. It's a rhetorical device. They actually seem like truly awful people.)

Monday, May 27, 2019

A Brief History Of The Republican Party And Treason

1968: operatives working for Republican Presidential candidate Richard M. Nixon contacted the North Vietnamese and offered them a better peace deal that LBJ was, if they'd just put off signing until after the election. This temporarily scuttled the Paris peace talks and contributed to the election of Nixon. Oh, by the way, there was no better deal...and countless more people died as a result.

1980: operatives working for Republican Presidential candidate Ronald W. Reagan contacted the Iranians and offered them a better deal if they'd hold off releasing their American hostages, which President Carter had been negotiating, until after the election. They did. Reagan won, and at least in this case the Iranians got something: arms.

2016: operatives working for Republican Presidential candidate Donald J. Trump received repeated offers of "help" from the Russians. They reported none of this to the FBI. They changed the party's platform to favor Russia. They accepted "aid" from Russian hackers. Trump "won" and ever since he's bent over backward to favor Vladimir Putin.

As a bonus, let's not forget the plot to overthrow FDR, cobbled together by a number of bankers and industrialists, all of them Republicans terrified by the New Deal. That one didn't work, but it sure wasn't for lack of trying.

Treason. Treason. Treason. Treason.

Just something to remember as we honor our war dead...