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Tuesday, April 25, 2017

The First 100 Days...An Appreciation

Credit where credit is due, Donald J. Trump, R-Russian Mafia, has, and I can say this without fear of contradiction, in a mere 100 days, put together the most corrupt administration in the history of this great land of ours.

Warren Harding can finally rest in peace. That's quite an achievement.

Well done, you Flaming Orange Anus!

Every single breath the man takes is a conflict of interest. He's peopled his White House with the scum of the earth, starting with Steve "Uh, I'll Get The Next Round" Bannon, and featuring in starring roles a couple of the little Trumps. All looking for an easy way to make a fast buck. Including the horde of Goldman Sachs scum scuttling from darkened corner to darkened corner. Look up the classic dirty joke "The Aristocrats" to get some idea of the quality of these "people".

Trump has also given us the worst cabinet ever. EVER.

Including the homunculus bigot Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, our first openly racist Attorney General in quite some time. From Alabama, y'all! Roll Tide! Now, let's bust some colored heads!

And let's not forget an EPA chief who doesn't believe in air or water quality regulations or Global Warming; a Secretary of Education who doesn't believe in public education;  a Secretary of State who only cares about oil and how to acquire it; Rick Perry, who needs no introduction; and Dr. Ben Carson, whose achievements as a brain surgeon are even more impressive considering that he obviously doesn't have a functioning brain of his own. Well done, DonDon!

What, no place for Sarah Palin?! Try harder. Surely there must be something for a person of her, uh, let's call them qualifications.

On the plus side, Der Trump has done wonders for the career of Alec Baldwin, and Saturday Night Live is now, occasionally, amusing.

And our Numbnuts In Chief has also lit a fire under some of our beloved late night comedians. Stephen Colbert, Seth Myers, Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Kimmel have never been funnier.

Jimmy Fallon remains, well, Jimmy Fallon.

They told me if I voted for Hillary Clinton the White House would be crawling with Wall Street assholes and we'd be in another war in the Middle East.

Turns out they were right.

Friday, April 21, 2017

Reality Television

Cool!

We get to watch the "President" of the United States go nuts in real time!

That hasn't happened before.

Sure Nixon went off the deep end--but we only learned about that years later.

And Saint Reagan was probably well on his way to dementia early in his second term. But again, we didn't find out until he was safely ensconced in whatever nice place his defense contractor buddies bought for him. And besides, dementia is a different kettle of fish.

No, President Donald J. Queeg will be a first for our great nation.

He will bunch up his tiny fingers into tiny fists and stamp his wittle feets.

He will spew forth from his limited vocabulary with his simpleton's syntax.

Spittle will fly!

And the tweets! Oh my God, the tweets that will come!

It will really be very entertaining...

PS Now we learn that Little DonDon insists on riding in the Queen's "Cinderella" coach when he's in England. INSISTS! Seriously, how precious is that?

Deep down he's exactly like a little princess.

Sunday, April 16, 2017

Is Anyone Really Surprised That Bill O'Reilly Is A Pig?

I mean, really?

Come on now.

Take a good look at him.

Everything about Bill-O screams "OINK".

The clincher, the cherry on top, is that Der Trump says Bill-O is "a good person".

Uh huh. Birds of a feather, et cetera.

That endorsement from our "so-called President" should be all you need to convict, ladies and gentlemen.

But, of course, the people who watch Fox Faux News religiously are pigs their ownselves, so...

Motherfucker fits right in.




Monday, April 10, 2017

Recently Decoded Top Secret Cable From V. Putin To B. al-Assad

Dear Bashar,

How are you? I am fine.

Look, no point beating around the bush, I have to ask you a big favor.

A friend of mine, code name Numbnuts, is in a pickle:

Americanski are beginning to figure out what happened in last election. This is not good for Numbnuts.

So, he needs distraction.

Would it be OK if he attacks one of your airfields? Shoots a few cruise missiles, beats his chest, rallies the more simple minded of his people, etc etc.

Have you ever seen movie "Wag The Dog"? It's good movie. I admire that DeNiro. The Jew Hoffman is good, too. And Woody Harrelson shows surprising dramatic depth. But I digress.

Of course you would be given advance warning of where and when so nothing important gets blowed up. Probably you get airfield operational again in a few hours. We are prepared to help if necessary.

So, it's a win win. Numbnuts gets to act like leader, you get to rail against Americanski aggression, Americanski defense contractors get to bill government for replacement cruise missiles, stock holders make a profit, Americanski newscasters get to put on trenchcoats and use their serious voices, and Americanski people get to be distracted from Numbnuts' treasonous activities.

And, naturally, Numbnuts won't do anything more until he clears it with me.

Thanks in advance. You're a good friend.

Regards to Mrs. Assad and all the little Assads.

Your pal,

V.

PS if you need any more Sarin gas, just ask. We have plenty!

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Signor Baseball's 2017 AL Preview

The thing about Spring Training is, that while it might tell us a few things about the season ahead, it is completely unreliable about most things.

For instance, based on Spring Training 2017, you might think that the New York Yankees are going to win 120 games.

Ha ha ha.

AL East: For the aforementioned Yankees, too many unlikely things have to happen for them to really compete. No injuries to the pitching staff and big, full seasons from some young guys who have never played full seasons at this level. Of course, this could happen. But it's a long shot. Better to stick with the Red Sox and Blue Jays. Boston loses David Ortiz, and you never know how missing a dominant player and clubhouse personality will play out. However, their pitching should be improved and they have a lot of good hitters left. Toronto lost two big bats, but they'll still score plenty of runs and their pitching is strong enough to keep close to the Red Sox and in the running for a Wild Card. Down in Baltimore, the Orioles have a very good bullpen (when Buck Showalter remembers how to use them), which is good because their starters aren't impressive. They have a solid everyday lineup that can score runs in bunches. With those starters, they'll need them. One big question for the Orioles is whether or not Mark Trumbo can repeat his somewhat surprising homer barrage from last year. Unless everything miraculously falls into place, injury and young player wise, the Yankees look like a 4th place team and despite good starting pitching, the light hitting Tampa Rays once again pull up the rear.

AL Central: Looks like the Indians are a safe bet to repeat. Their pitching is superior and they've added a big bat in Edwin Encarnacion. Barring injury, Cleveland shouldn't have too much trouble winning the Central. Detroit is old and getting older, but premier players on the down slope are still often better than run of the mill players in their prime.  Verlander, Cabrera, Kinsler and Martinez are still potentially all-stars, and if the Indians slip a little the Tigers could sneak past them. Kansas City's pitching isn't nearly as dominant as it was a couple of years ago, and I can't see the Royals being anything more than competent. The Twins were awful last year. Minnesota should be better (they can't get much worse), and with the White Sox rebuilding, and liable to trade anyone of any value during the course of the season, the Twins could slip past Chicago and avoid last place. Little victories...

AL West: This has all the makings of a 3 team race to the bitter end, with the also-rans having a shot at a Wild Card slot. Houston, Seattle, and Texas seem very evenly matched.  None looks like a completely solid team. The Astros, with the addition of Brian McCann behind the plate, are incredibly strong up the middle. They are loaded with an excellent core of good, young, everyday talent. Their starters, however, once you get past Dallas Keuchel, are a big question mark.  The Mariners have better pitching than the Astros, but their everyday lineup is not as strong. Hamels and Darvish give the Rangers the best 1-2 starter punch in the division, but there's not much starting pitching beyond them. Their infield is solid, including Rougned "One Punch" Odor, and they will score a lot of runs, but their bullpen is just OK and their outfield is average at best. California, on the other hand, has the best all around player in the league, Mike Trout, and Albert Pujols, who even in the twilight of his career is still a potent hitter. But inferior pitching will doom the Angels to also ran status. And in Oakland, Billy Beane will eventually paste together another bargain basement contender with the A's. But not this year, alas.


Monday, April 3, 2017

Signor Baseball's 2017 NL Preview

So, the Chicago Cubs are World Champions and Donald J. Trump befouls the White House. 2016 was a year of extremely unlikely events.

Of course, the Cubs did it without the help of Vladimir Putin, the FBI, and millions of really stupid people.

But enough of this talk of treason, on to more important matters. In the NL East, Washington is once again the team to beat. Their everyday lineup is second only to the Cubs in the NL and they have, when everybody is healthy--I'm looking at you Stephen Strasburg--very good pitching. Keep this in  mind, though: if there is any way for the Nationals to blow it, they will. The Mets have even better pitching, and the bats to score some runs. However, nearly every one of their starters has had injury issues in the past. And like they say, past is prologue. However, barring multiple injuries to their staff, New York should still be in the running for a Wild Card. Atlanta is in the middle of a major rebuild and Miami is in the middle of being sold. Jeffrey Loria will now have to look for something else he can screw up. Hey, maybe there's a place for him in the Trump administration! The Braves have some good young hitters and can beat anyone when their ace is on the mound. Unfortunately that's only every fifth game. The rest of the time....? The Marlins will hype every single one of Giancarlo Stanton's massive home runs. Can you blame them? I mean, what else do they have to cheer about, other than Loria leaving? Try to name one Phillie. Go on. I dare you. Another long, miserable summer in Philadelphia.

In the Central, Pittsburgh's window of opportunity has just about closed. Having no dependable starting pitching will do that to a team. Oh, they'll score runs, but so will every team they play. The really interesting question for the Pirates is whether or not Andrew McCutcheon will bounce back from an off year, or has begun the inevitable descent to nothingness...The Cubs, on the other hand, are loaded from top to bottom and probably the only thing that can stop them is the pressure of being expected to defend their championship. On the banks of the mighty Mississippi, the Cardinals are always competitive, but on paper at least they just don't match up with the Cubs. Look for Chicago to walk away with this one and St. Louis to be chasing the Mets and the Giants for a Wild Card. The Brewers and Reds just aren't very good. Both are rebuilding. Both have one superstar surrounded by young players who may or may not pan out eventually. Both have pitching staffs patched together with retreads, busts, other teams' back of the rotation guys, and unproven kids. Good luck with that.

Out West, the Diamondbacks should be better, but still not good enough to compete with the Dodgers and the Giants.  Arizona's starting pitching still looks shake-y and their closer is well past whatever prime he had. But they will score a lot of runs and, who knows, maybe some of their perennial young pitching prospects will actually start to pan out. Los Angeles has spent mucho dinero putting together a team that just cannot get to the World Series. They should win the division again, but until Clayton Kershaw starts pitching like, well, Clayton Kershaw, in the playoffs, they still will come up short, Series wise. The Giants have solid pitching, but when you look at their everyday lineup you wonder how they'll score runs. However, they don't beat themselves very often, they have one of the best managers in the majors, and a Wild Card berth is almost a given. Colorado and San Diego will, once again, pull up the rear. Wait until next year, you Padre and Rockies fans. Or the year after that, or the year after that, or...ya know, why don't you just pick another team to root for? Save yourselves a lot of heartache.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

A Page From Melania's Diary

It is comfortable here without HIM.

Boy and I enjoy the peace and quiet.

I awake screaming less and less.

The dreams, the awful, horrid nightmares of 280 pounds of unrendered fat falling upon me again and again have lessened. Doctor says that with time they may even stop.

This I pray for.

I have faith.

There is old Slovenian saying that translates to "well, he can't live forever." This is what you call my mantra. My safe place.

When dark times come, when HE comes, I repeat over and over again, silently to myself:

"Well, he can't live forever."