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Sunday, February 19, 2017

Tips For Foreign Leaders Meeting Trump For The First Time

1. Try not to laugh.

2. Don't expect to understand what he's saying. No one does.

3. Don't panic. That's the way he shakes hands with everyone.

4. Try not to laugh.

5. Just when you think he's done talking, he will start up again on a completely unrelated topic. So don't interrupt.

6. It will seem like time has stopped and you are trapped in some sort of Bizarro Hell. Take a deep breath. Exhale. Repeat.

7. Try not to laugh.

8. Even when he says something that sounds hilarious to you, always remember that he has no sense of humor, and these are not attempts at humor. He is being, in his mind, "Presidential".

9. Please don't stare at his tiny, childlike hands. He's very sensitive about them.

10. Focus on something pleasant. Puppies. Kittens. Ice cream. Puppies and kittens eating ice cream. That sort of thing.

11. Feel free to let your mind wander. His certainly does. Like the song says, "turn off your mind, relax, and float downstream."

12. Try not to laugh.

Thursday, February 16, 2017

They Still Don't Care

It should be apparent to all but the dullest amongst us that Donald J. Trump is a foolish buffoon.

A stunted, spoiled, manchild oaf, he governs by tantrum and whim. And lie upon lie.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

The pivot back to sane, responsible, intelligent, adult behavior that was supposed to happen, never happened. It never will happen. Simply because it can't happen. He is not capable of sane, responsible, intelligent, adult, behavior.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

He worries about the plight of working class people about as much as a pig worries about particle physics.

He has larded his White House with Goldman Sachs lackeys--just as he warned us Mrs. Clinton would. But it's OK because he's a "successful" white male. Not a woman. Not black. So, it's all good.
Except that it isn't. What it is, is rampant kleptocracy and a systematic dismantling of 100 plus years of progress.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

He surrounds himself with white nationalists, nut job generals, serial liars, and billionaire grifters. Literally the scum of the earth.

He is quite probably a traitor to everything but money and his own deluded ego. A stooge, in hock to Putin and God knows who else.

But the people who voted for him still don't care.

And so, all those Trump banner waving simpletons who roared as he promised to Make America Great Again, who frothed at the mouth as they chanted "lock her up", those pea brains who were dead certain that they were being fucked over by "the liberals" and that black man, blinded by racism and stupidity, are about to be really fucked over by the Clown in Chief.

 But the people who voted for him still don't care.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Why Does Steve Bannon Look Like He Has End-Stage Syphilis?

Now, I'm not saying that he does have end-stage syphilis. That would be wrong of me.

But some people are asking why does he look like he has it, if he doesn't?

And if he does have it, where did he contract it?

In what bus station men's room?

Did he get it from that Greek Breitbart kid, Myanus Stuffaloopulus, or whatever his name is? My God, is it an epidemic?!

These are questions that need answers. Indeed, an anxious public demands answers.

Personally, I'd say Bannon looks more like a drop down drunk, but I can understand why people would go with end-stage syphilis.

Of course, it could be both.

By the way, some other people are saying there's a smell of sulfur every time Bannon opens his mouth. Is that true? Does it have anything to do with a pact with the Devil?

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Decline And Fall

If you're old enough to recall the Cuban missile crisis, or have bothered to read a history of that time, you'll know that most of our top military men were prepared to start a nuclear war over Cuba.

But Kennedy said no.

Advisors of that same mindset now surround our Flaming Orange Anus in Chief.

And he ain't no JFK.

He is, rather, a spoiled child, with the impulse control of a toddler, and the intellectual curiosity of a single cell organism, wrapped up in the body of a bloated, bitter, senior citizen.

The silver lining to all of these dark, dark clouds, is that it might well be a relief to finally get rid of the CIA. Who needs 'em now? Trump is really smart--so smart he doesn't require intelligence briefings. After all, he has Putin to tell him what's going on...

And Vlad the Elector wouldn't mislead DonDon. Would he?

When Rome started to fall, I'm sure there were some sage old hands who believed that this was only temporary, that things would change back, that the Roman Empire was eternal.

Turns out it wasn't.

On the plus side, now that we have the Russians' stooge firmly in place with the full throated support of the GOP, whenever a Republican starts talking about patriotism and how much they love our country we can just laugh in their face.

Thursday, January 26, 2017

Spineless

In case you were hoping that Senator John "Maverick" McCain would be man enough to stand up to the Liar In Chief...

Uh...no.

Oh, he'll glower and shout and threaten and get a lot of media attention. That is, after all, what he does. All he does. But when it comes right down to it, he will fold.

Because the senior Senator from the state of Arizona is spineless.

Remember way back in 2000 when the Bush campaign slandered him in South Carolina?

What'd he do?

Well, fell in line, of course!

Spineless.

When the Bushies Swift Boated John Kerry, an actual bona fide hero, in 2004?

After some initial grumbling, our professional POW blamed Kerry for bringing the attacks on himself.

Spineless.

Now we have someone in the White House who shit all over Johnny Mac's war record. Loudly and publicly. Someone who is so close to being a traitor that you can smell it on him. Someone who worships Vladimir Putin like an abused whore worships her pimp.

Someone who has nominated another Putin boy toy to be Secretary of State.

So, what does Senator John McCain do?

Well, he's going to vote "yes" for Rex Tillerson, of course!

Like I said.

Spineless.

The leader of his party is a serial liar. A Russian stooge. A sexist, xenophobic, immature, unstable punk. A fan of torture.

But don't expect Senator John McCain to challenge much of what he does.

Party loyalty always comes first when you're spineless.

Monday, January 23, 2017

Welcome To The World Of "Alternative Facts"

Being able to lie with a straight face is a skill.

Maybe even an art form.

Frankly, Kellyanne Conway should be better at it by now.

After all, she's been at the feet of a master for months.

Of course, none of this will matter to the Trump "true" believers.

By this point, they are well beyond redemption. They have sold what passes for their souls for a few magic beans and a boatload of empty promises.

But it should matter a great deal to the majority of Americans--who did not vote for Trump and do not support him.

Friday, January 20, 2017

More Fake News: Headlines Edition

Donald Trump is an honest man.

Donald Trump won the election fair and square.

Donald Trump isn't a Russian stooge.

Donald Trump has a big brain.

Donald Trump tells the truth.

Donald Trump isn't being blackmailed by Vladimir Putin.

Donald Trump is a successful businessman.

Donald Trump cares about people.

Donald Trump knows what he's doing.

Donald Trump isn't a racist.

Donald Trump is a product of superior genetics.

Donald Trump will make a great President.