Thursday, July 28, 2016

Notes From Vlad Putin's Diary

Regarding this Trump fellow: is he insane? Have someone find out.

Tell cook more beets next time.

Trump calls me. Again. Says we can do "bizness" together. Says it will be "yooge". What is this "yooge"?

Again with this Trump. Oy yoi yoi. Have someone from security look into getting me an unlisted number.

Can we please do something about the heat? I'm freezing in here.

The smell of cabbage cooking reminds me of mama.

Trump says we should be friends. Why I need friend like that?

I smell CIA.

Lada is good car. Do not listen to capitalist propaganda.

Trump says if I help him, then he will help me. Do what I wonder?

Now, really I smell CIA.

Reclassify all steroids as "vitamins". Simple. Problem solved.

"Useful idiot" is term I like. This Trump maybe can be a useful idiot for me. Okey dokey. So, I will, how Americanski say, make him my bitch. Da.

Now, somebody please do something about the heat. I begin to losing my patience. Don't make me go all Stalin on someone.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Regarding Roger Ailes

Looks like that fat oily bastard Roger Ailes will have to start paying for his, uh, "female companionship" and not just grope them by the water cooler, or trap them behind his no doubt enormous desk.

Fortunately, that other oily bastard, Rupert The Pirate, gave Roger a large sum of money to "please just go away!"

Because, you know, propriety.

And standards.

The newlywed (stifle gag reflex here) Rupert Murdoch doesn't need this kind of problem in his dotage.

Whatever the amount settled on Ailes, it's a small price to pay for all the damage he and his toadies at that festering pit of lies, distortion, dog whistles, fools, dweebs and crackpots, that dares to call itself a "news" organization, have done to the public discourse over the last two decades.

But they did manage to hoodwink the rubes and make a ton of money in the process, so it's all good!

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Bedlam By The Lake

Bedlam was the first insane asylum, back in medieval England. Which wasn't quite as Merry as the brochures make it out to be...

There were no psychiatrists, no psycho-tropic drugs, no concept of compassionate care for the inflicted, not even a padded cell. Of course, everybody was scared shitless of a vengeful God and the seemingly arbitrary punishments of the Church and State, but even with all that "law and order" hanging over them there were still lunatics and the criminally insane roaming about.

They didn't really know what to do with "them", so they just locked 'em up. Theoretically safer for "them", definitely safer for society as a whole. God alone knows what went on in the bowels of Bedlam.

But, you know what they say, "out of sight, out of mind."

So, what I'm thinking is, we get some big padlocks and lock all the doors of Cleveland's Quicken Loans Arena while they are all inside.

We can worry about compassionate care and possible treatment later.

What's going on in the deep recesses of the Republican convention is as appalling as anything that went on in Bedlam. In fact, the incestuous reactionary racist circle jerk that surrounds Der Trump would probably make your garden variety medieval lunatic retch.

PS Ya ever notice Melania's eyes? They're dead. Like a doll's eyes. Or a shark's.

Oh, by the way, I plagiarized that...sort of...

PPS Scott Baio and Antonio Sabato Jr.? Oooooh, they pullin' out the big heaters now! Where the hell is Ted Nugent?!

Sunday, July 17, 2016

Inside The Heads Of The Republican Base

Well, first there's this whistling sound, like wind through a hollow space. Then you hear what could be a broken screen door, slapping against its frame...

And then the jumbled grumbling begins:

"Kenyan Muslim Socialist...anti-American...secret jihadist...Whitewater...liars...rapist...Vince Foster...Antonin Scalia...anti-white...liars...murderers...liars...murderers...liars...murderers!"

This repeats itself over and over and over, as if it were on a loop programmed by Fox News.

Let us pause for a second and ask a few simple and indeed logical questions.

If the Clintons had the power to kill Vince Foster with impunity, don't you think that they would have killed Kenneth Starr, too? How about Linda Tripp? Richard Scaife? Monica Lewinsky? Indeed, anyone who got in their way. You know, like MacBeth.

And if President Obama had Scalia murdered, why did he wait so long? Shouldn't he have had that at the top of his hit list? Like item 1 day 1? What about Clarence Thomas? Couldn't it have been a  package deal? A twofer, if you will. That's how I would have done it. Boom boom.

And yet these logical things did not happen.


I don't see how you can have it both ways. Either they are evil incarnate, unconscionable, amoral murderers who will stop at nothing to achieve their ends.

Or they aren't.

In which case, the people who believe these things are full of shit.

But, of course, we are speaking of facts and logic and some folks are simply immune to logic and facts.

The moral of the story is that we should never, ever, ever underestimate the number of truly stupid people in this great land of ours.

And that's why the idea of President Trump isn't as ridiculously far-fetched as it should be...

Tuesday, July 12, 2016

The United States Of Insanity

Repeat after me:

Guns don't kill people. People kill people.

The more guns we have the safer we are.

Only a good guy with a gun can stop a bad guy with a gun.

Assault rifles are necessary for personal protection.

Everyone should be able to purchase all the guns and ammo they can afford.

Freedom isn't free.

The Second Amendment is the most important amendment.

You must be doing something suspicious for the police to pull you over.

There's something inherently suspicious about black people.

Better to shoot first and ask questions later.

Accidents happen.

All Lives Matter...but obviously some matter more than others.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

Daddy Issues

Donald Trump has a thing, a bro-mance if you will, for Vladimir Putin and Saddam Hussein. You know, tough guys, strong guys. No nonsense guys.

"I make the the rules," kind of guys.

He also, according to his ex-wife, kept a volume of Hitler's speeches by his bedside.

For inspiration, I'd guess.


Somewhere, Sigmund Freud is nodding and smiling.

It's obvious that the majority of Republicans need a strong Daddy figure to look up to. To keep them in line.

To discipline them. To punish them. To spank them, if necessary.

A bully to protect them from the other bullies.

The country as a whole doesn't need or want this.

But certain Republicans sure do.

Saturday, July 2, 2016

A Pair To Draw To

This is a true story...

On the television, I heard a Republican consultant describe Newt Gingrich as "very smart", or words to that effect. Continuing, he then called Chris Christie "charismatic".

I quickly turned the channel, and went looking for the whiskey.

Where to begin...

Newt Gingrich is so smart, his own party tossed him out of his leadership role 20 some years ago.
And this is a party with, shall we say, a desperate need for any "smartness" they can stumble upon, so...well, you know.

And Chris Christie is as "charismatic" as a well-shaped turd.

But the two of them are apparently at the very top of Der Trump's short list of potential Vice Presidents. Which must mean he thinks they are highly qualified.

If there weren't already enough reasons to say repeated prayers that the Orange Asshole never gets anywhere near the White House, that would suffice.

Since La Donna knows nothing, repeat NOTHING, about government, one of those geniuses would be running things...

We already tried that with W.

It didn't work out so well.

Start praying.