Trying Hard To Be The Worst State In The Union

It's an uphill battle.

Mississippi, Alabama and the Carolinas all have a big head start.

Texas and Oklahoma work 24/7 to be truly awful.

Kansas has made a huge leap into the abyss just recently.

Florida is, well, Florida.

But by God, under the direction of Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone" Ducey, and the billionaires who bought him his office, and with the unwavering support of quite possibly the pound for pound stupidest legislature in these United States, Arizona is closing fast!

Don't misunderestimate us!

We have both a massive inferiority complex and a desperate need to be first in something.

We won't guarantee that you have minimal healthcare, or a good education, or a reliable safety net should hard times come--but we will never let anyone infringe on your right to be a gun lovin' asshole.

This is our chance.

This is our time.

Arizona: the "If You're Poor Just Do Us A Favor And Die" State!

If You Have To Talk To A Republican...

I mean if it's absolutely, positively, unavoidable, like if you're related to them or something, ask them the following questions:

What would Lincoln think about voter suppression? Or political campaigns based entirely on hatred and fear?

What would Teddy Roosevelt think about "corporate personhood" and "corporate religious beliefs"? Or "too big to fail"?

What would Eisenhower think about starting a war based on lies? And then cutting taxes in war time?

What would Nixon think about getting rid of the EPA? Or basing your economic policies on the writings of a quack philosopher/novelist?

What would any of them think about putting the Second Amendment above and before all the others?

Ask them these questions and then brace yourself for an avalanche of dissembling bullshit...

The Only Punchline You'll Ever Need

Many years ago, when the world was young, the Mission Man and I were in an improv comedy troupe. It was fun for awhile. People laughed and laughed. We had hopes of it flourishing. And probably dreams of fortune and fame, too...

Then one night, in Chandler as I recall, it was so not fun that we never did it again. Ever.

Anyway, the point is, as Edmund Kean remarked on his deathbed, "dying is easy--comedy is hard."

This is as true today as it was then. Perhaps even more so.

But, if you have a surefire punchline, it gets easier.

So, as a public service, I give you the only punchline you'll ever need:

"So then I shot him."

Works with every set up:

Guy was texting in a movie theatre--

Guy looked threatening--

Guy knocked on my door late one night--

Guy cut me off in traffic--

Guy was talking too loud--

Guy hopped my fence--

Guy was running away from me--

Guy was sure the gun was empty--

And even though we live in a "post racial" society, there's always the old reliable, Guy was black--

Feel free to substitute "girl" or "child" for "guy" as the situation warrants.

Stand Your Ground, or: Getting Away With Murder

It goes without saying that the Zimmerman verdict is shocking.

But not particularly surprising.

The Florida law seems to be designed to protect the shooter.

And so, with no eye witnesses, and the other person involved dead, (and more importantly a black male), Georgie gets to walk away clean.

However, I have a feeling that the rest of his life (after the triumphant appearances on Fox News, of course), will be bitter.

And possibly brief...

Extra Credit: As an intellectual exercise, run through the possible legal scenarios if Zimmerman were a 30ish black man and Trayvon a white teenager.

Jan Brewer Accidentally Tells The Truth

The New York Times, which should still be washing the blood off its hands for the part it played in ginning up the war with Iraq, recently wasted a page of its Sunday magazine with a Q&A with Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer, figurehead governor of Arizona.

The desiccated hag, who is the head cheerleader for the private prison industry (because Chuck told her what to do), wandered off from her handlers long enough to answer a few questions. Her answers were about what you'd expect from a pea brain, reactionary, political hack.

In short, and I'm paraphrasing, "guns good--more guns better", "Joe Arpaio good--Mexicans bad",  "Obama petty with thin skin--me nice white lady" and so on, and so forth.

But in the midst of her predictable, semi-literate drivel she was quoted as saying the following:

"These madmen are going to find some way, somehow to create whatever it is they want to create."

Now, of course, like any good whack-job Republican, she was giving the party's rote answer about the futility of regulating guns.

But it seems to me she has come up with the perfect campaign slogan for Romney-Ryan, indeed for every Republican candidate everywhere.

Little Man With A Gun

When you look at Florida's "Stand Your Ground" law closely, you begin to realize just how difficult it will be to convict George Zimmerman of anything.

The law, which was of course championed by the NRA, is designed to make it easy to shoot people who are "threatening" you.

Even if you are not protecting your home or property.
Even if you started the altercation.
Even if the police advised you not to get involved.
Even if you shoot a person who is only armed with that lethal combination of Skittles and ice tea.

Oh yeah, and as far as actually being in a "life threatening situation", well, we'll just have to take Mr. Zimmerman's word for it.

Because the other person involved is dead.