Religion Is Where The Money Is

How can you make a lot of money?

This is an important question, because as we all know, being poor is the worst crime you can commit in America.

So pay attention, ok?

You could invent something wonderful. You could fill a tangible need, either real or imagined. You could produce something indispensable. 

Of course, all of these require inventing or building or supplying something real. 

And there is always the chance that no one will want what you're selling. For every John D. Rockefeller, Bill Gates, or Jeff Bezos, there are millions of unknown failures, with garages or warehouses full of things that nobody wants.

Religion, on the other hand, doesn't require that you produce anything real.

No expensive inventory. No years of R&D. Nothing. Nada. Zip.

Just that most ephemeral of things, "FAITH".

And from some people's simple faith, you can acquire private jets, mansions, improbable haircuts, enormous bank accounts--all sorts of real things. Maybe even a pool boy to boff the wife while you watch. 

Did I mention that you can do all of this tax free?

And even though you're not supposed to mix your religion with politics, well, that's never stopped anyone from doing it. Ya know?

Of course, there is the danger that you will get soooo big that people will begin to notice your, uh, let's call them moral failings, because sins is such a weighted word. Either, of course, can be forgiven--if the money is right.

For instance, no entity on earth has a better real estate portfolio than the Catholic Church. And let's not forget the art collection and all of that gold, too. $$$$$$$$. But after 1700 years of relative impunity for its "idiosyncrasies", the one true church has come under close scrutiny for too many of its shepherds molesting their flocks. And hush money payments and legal fees do take a toll on the bottom line.

But setting that aside, there's still a lot of money to be made. Big money! Big money! Big money!

All it takes is a vague knowledge of The Bible, making sure to skip over the more problematic parts. You know, the parts where old Jesus asks you to help the poor and the lame and treat great wealth as morally suspect. I mean, where's the fun in that? Jesus had never seen a Gulfstream jet, after all. One look and he would have changed his mind about wealth.

So, put that "socialist" stuff aside, embrace a muscular, Capitalist Christ, and start gathering your own flock.

Because, as we all know, there's a sucker born every minute. And apparently a lot of them will give their last dollar to anyone with a slick spiel about salvation.

Is There ANYONE Associated With This Administration Who ISN'T A Criminal?

Uh...apparently not.

Are there ANY Republicans in Congress who aren't in Russia's pocket?

Maybe. One or two.

Do we really want all of those Catholics on the Supreme Court? 

No. At least not the "Baby Jesus weeps for fetuses" kind. If they're the "shut the fuck up and mind your own goddamn business" kind, then...maybe. But those are few and far between in public life. So, let's just go with "NO", ok?

Do they have Presidential suites at Federal prisons?

Hopefully we will find out very soon.

Pope Francis And All That Jazz

Remember way back, when we all had to pretend to be Catholic?

Or the Catholics would kill us?

After they converted us, of course.

Good times...

So, despite what every Republican believes, there's no denying things are better now.

(Ben Carson doesn't know anything about Evolution or astrophysics, by the way.)

Anyhow, ol' Francis is in my top two or three Popes of all time.

Right up there with the Pope who may have been (spoiler alert) a woman.

And Leo X, who according to some sources once said, "How well we know what a profitable superstition this fable of Christ has been for us and our predecessors."

Ahem.

Seriously, if I ever need advice about love, marriage, life, death, sex, the whole shebang from a celibate wearing a dress, Francis is the guy I'll ask.

Just Another Freak Show

The Duggar family, the reality TV clan famous for rabbit like fecundity if nothing else, have become right wing darlings. 

They preach abstinence before marriage and the usual collection of right wing crap. Anti-gay, anti-abortion, etc. They are courted by conservative politicians hoping to tap into that wide, rich, vein of unnatural stupidity that runs through the heartland of this great country of ours.

One of their sons, Josh Duggar, likes to molest little girls. In a pinch, his own sisters.

Oops.

Well, why waste the gas and travel time?

Besides, family values. Am I right?!

This is really not too surprising. You deny natural urges and all sorts of weird stuff bubbles up.

Take the Catholic Church, for instance.

Or the Christian televangelists who rant and rave, spit flying everywhere, all the way to the bank.

I suppose the question we should be asking ourselves is "how many perverts can you cram into one religion?"

I don't need a hard number, just ballpark it for me, would ya?

Not to worry, little Duggar.

Your God will forgive you... because apparently your God is as big a creep as you are.

Amen.

Anti Christ

Let's get one thing straight: nobody is a "better" Christian than Rick "Gimme That Old Time Religion" Santorum.

No, not even Jesus, who was, after all, a Jew...

That's right. I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but Jesus was a Jew. Not a Catholic, not a Methodist, not a Lutheran. And definitely not a Mormon.

And the idea of a group of worldwide, extremely wealthy, corporate religions mangling His few simple teachings for fun and, especially, profit would make His head spin.

However, since religion has surpassed patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, anybody running for anything has to claim some sort of special, close relationship to God and His kid. To my way of thinking these relationships are usually tentative, often strained, and always one-sided. But that's just me.

(It's kind of like those genealogists who claim that this person or that is somehow related to the Queen of England. Yeah, right. Try that at the gate to Buckingham Palace and see how far you get.)

Anyway, since there is no provable connection, only hearsay, we must judge these people by their actions and not by what they say they are. Because, let's face it, people say a lot of things that are easily dis-proven.

So the question is: which candidate at least attempts to help the less fortunate, with things like housing, schools, food, jobs, and health care? And which candidates don't? Which candidate speaks out for inclusion and which for exclusion? Who encourages community and who encourages divisiveness? Who uses their religion as a truncheon, and who as a salve?

Therefore, using all the available data, judging them solely by their actions and beliefs, the "content of their character and not the color of their skin", and disregarding all the Super Dooper Party O'God crap that passes for Republican orthodoxy these days, one can only come to the conclusion that Rick Santorum is much closer than Barack Obama to being the anti-Christ.

In fact, it's no contest.

The Devil Made Me Do It!

For those of you who believe in fairy tales, Rick Santorum is the perfect candidate. He is sure that Satan walks amongst us. That this sort of childish, boogeyman nonsense would still be a politically viable stance for anyone in the 21st Century is breathtaking. Stupidity is apparently the strongest American growth industry. If only we could export it...

Where are H.L. Mencken and Mark Twain when we really need them? For that matter, imagine what George Carlin could do with this fertile field of madness. Alas...

There is no doubt that men are capable of great evil. History is replete with it--much of it sanctioned by the Catholic Church, by the way. But let's not point fingers.

If you want to think that the Devil, Old Nick, Lucifer, or whichever of his many names you prefer, is behind it, you are free to do so. If you want to think that, as Santorum has declared, "this is a spiritual war, and 'the father of lies'...has his sights on the USA...Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity and sensuality as the root to attack the American tradition" you are also free to do so.

But please don't be surprised if the rest of us think that you're just a little bit crazy.

(Incidentally, doesn't Santorum sort of make it sound like the Kardashians are in league with Satan? Wow! Wouldn't that be something?)

Geraldine, Flip Wilson's female avatar, was fond of saying, "The Devil made me do it!" We all laughed because we knew that it was a comedy bit. Little did we know that a generation later it would become a major plank in the platform of one potential Republican Presidential candidate...

Will No One Rid Me Of These Meddlesome Priests?

I really don't care even a little bit about your religion. As far as I'm concerned it's a private thing between you and whatever you assume God to be--or not to be. Paint yourself blue and howl like a monkey. Handle poisonous snakes while you speak in tongues. Whatever. Just don't come riding up to my house and try and "convert" me. OK?

And stay out of the public schools, too. They have enough trouble teaching real science without adding in that "creationism" bullshit. Do us all a favor and keep your particular delusions to yourself (and those who share them with you). Then put on your sacred underwear, pass out the hymnals, and sacrifice all the goats you want...

Which brings me, naturally, to Rick Santorum. Up until now, I've ignored him in the obviously mistaken belief that even an institution as decadent as the Republican Party wouldn't be unstable enough to seriously consider him as a Presidential candidate.

But no. Like an ADHD kid who's misplaced his ritalin, the Republicans can't seem to concentrate long enough on any one candidate. Oh sure, they all distrust Willard Mitt Romney--that's a given. But for an alternative? "Uh, Michele--no, Rick Perry--no, Herman Cain--no, Newt--no, uh, what was the question again?"

If they were still capable of shame they would all be ashamed by now...But, of course, they aren't. "Shame" disappeared as a concept in Republican circles many years ago. They have no use for it. No, what they have is a searing hatred of Barack Obama. They are in fact blinded by it. And so it is Rick Santorum's turn.

In addition to the usual mix of "free-market", "cut taxes", "end entitlements", "bomb Iran" conservative blather, Santorum has some interesting "ideas" about morality...and women. The key "idea" seems to be that women are essentially chattel. Oh sure, he "cherishes" them, and he wants to "protect" them--just like you'd protect a valuable piece of property. But however valued they might be, they certainly can't be trusted with control over their own bodies and health. No, sorry little lady, but that's for the menfolk to decide. You are the weaker vessel, after all...

Santorum's "ideas" seem to especially appeal to the hierarchy of the Catholic Church (motto: "Trying to bring back the Dark Ages since the Dark Ages ended"). To my non-Catholic eyes, this hierarchy is a sorry, backward, agglomeration of cross dressers and pedophiles adrift in the modern world. But no matter. They still hold sway over millions of people and billions of dollars. And they like-y Ricky!! And why not? He's a Catholic.

Of course once sane people of any faith (and let's pray they are still in the majority or at least the plurality) begin to pay close attention to Rick Santorum's "ideas", he will quickly disappear as a viable candidate. Then again, maybe viability isn't what the Republicans are looking for this time...If it's a Holy "Take Back Our Country" Crusade they want, they might need the craziest guy they can find to lead it.

In any case, Rick Santorum has a bright future. I'm sure there's a weekend time-slot on Fox News waiting for him. He'll fit right in...