Tuesday, November 27, 2012

So Long, and Thanks for Everything!

I miss Mitt!

There, I said it.

To be honest, what I really miss are the recordings of Mitt. The Mitt Tapes, which for awhile kept bubbling up to the surface every few days, were truly a blessing...and just in time for the Holidays, too.

It was like unearthing more of Dylan's basement tapes...or pristine recordings of the Beatles live in Hamburg. Pure gold!

I kept waiting for the one where he blamed "the Jews in Hollywood." I know it must still be there somewhere...

The recordings were a treasure trove of pure, unadulterated, Mitt-Thought.  The Ur-Mitt unleashed, 100 proof, if you will.  He joyfully shat all over minorities, women, the poor, the middle-class--indeed everybody but his rich-fuck friends.

But guess what Mitt? They weren't really your friends. They were just your fellow rich-fucks who thought you would make them even richer. Oh well, we all make mistakes. Just don't expect a Christmas card from Sheldon Adelson or the Koch brothers.

Based on all of the available evidence, can we at least finally agree that Willard Mitt Romney is a "(word that starts with C and ends with unt)"?

Oh, sure, he's still rich. But just between you and me, I've known richer men. In fact, the wealthiest guy I ever knew could buy and sell Mitt a couple of times over. And he started out with nothing.

That's right. Nothing. No rich father. No stock to sell to get through college. My guy didn't go to college. And, brace yourself, he was a lifelong registered Democrat. Always paid his taxes, too. Shocking, I know. But true.

It's long past time for Willard Mitt Romney to stop talking, scuttle off to one of his houses, find somebody to ghost write his guaranteed to be whiny and insipid auto-biography, and live out the remainder of his life in a well deserved, but comfy, anonymity.

So long, and thanks for everything!

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Things I'm Thankful for Today

It's been a long day in the kitchen preparing Mr. Turkey, my back feels as if it will never recover, but it was completely worth it! That said, here are a few things I'm thankful for this day.

--- Mr. B. Franklin, my blog partner, who has been a great friend for almost 30 years and pretty much keeps this blog running since I'm usually too lazy to post anything. Thanks, David!

--- Another Bruce show coming up in two weeks with friends from as far away as Australia coming to Phoenix for the show. Always a high point in my life. Hell, I've seen Springsteen 26 times already and those are 26 of the 30 best shows I've ever seen, including the top 15. To put this into perspective, I used to be in the record business and I would guess that I've seen well over 350 shows.

--- My family. Nothing more to be said, other than that I'm grateful to have the parents and siblings I have.

--- A ceasefire in Gaza. Anytime peace is announced anywhere in the world, no matter how temporary that peace may be, it's a cause for thanks.

--- The fact that we aren't looking at the inauguration of President Romney in January. Enough said.

--- My local public library. Even though the funds have been cut and staff reduced, they still never fail to get me any book I need.

--- My late grandmother for instilling in me at a very early age a lifelong love of reading. I still miss you, Granny Lee.

--- Soccer, particularly the English Premier League, the European Championships and the World Cup. I am so glad I got hooked on the game, particularly when I had gotten so cynical about American pro and college sports. They bore the hell out of me now that I know about the Beautiful Game.

--- Knox College. Best three years of my life. Thanks to all the faculty, staff and my fellow students. You made it fantastic!

--- Any of you out there that read this blog. I know there aren't many of you, but the ones that are there are why we started this. Now tell all your friends to give us some hits, because the more people that read, the more fun it is to write.

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Angry White Male

Hey, I voted for Obama twice.

Where's all this stuff I'm supposed to get?

Where are my gifts?

Willard Mitt Romney said Obama gave me gifts to vote for him--where are they?

Rush Limbaugh and O'Reilly said he did, too. And they never lie, do they?

I'm waiting, Mr. President.

I know the mails are slow this time of year, but come on!

You know what I'd really like? One of those satellite radio thingys. I hear there's a Springsteen channel, and the BBC World service, and a whole bunch of cool stuff. I could also use some new  shoes.

Of course, the greatest gift of all is that, thanks to you, Barack Hussein Obama, McCain/Palin (remember her?) and Romney/Ryan weren't elected.

Now, that's what I call a thoughtful gift.

Thank you, Barack! We're even.

Friday, November 9, 2012

Election Wrapup

I know Mormons aren't supposed to drink distilled spirits, but hey, this would be a good time to start...

Me, I've been very drunk and extremely happy--giddy almost--for about 60 hours now...

And the best part has been watching the various explanations offered up by Rove and Limbaugh and Dick Morris (Jesus, what a putz!), and O'Reilly, and Coulter and all the other empty headed, right wing swine "experts".

You know, the Japanese used to do it the right way: fuck up really bad and you had to kill yourself--no ifs, ands, or buts. It was expected. In fact, it was the honorable thing to do.

I got a drawer full of knives if anybody needs one...

Sunday, November 4, 2012

What Mitt Romney Really Wants To Say To The American People

What lies do you want me to tell? Honestly, I don't care anymore. What little moral character I had is long gone, along with any ethical sense I might have once, fleetingly, possessed. I'm tired, very tired. So, just tell me what you want to hear, and I'll oblige.

How about this one: The President isn't a true American. You like the sound of that one? I know you do.

By the way, he's also, and I'm sure some of you haven't even noticed this, because we're not like that, a black man. A child of Ham, and accursed, at least until 1978, according to my faith. I was 31 in 1978. Fully formed, as it were, and well grounded in my beliefs and the beliefs of my forefathers.

Speaking of lies, what about this one: I have no intention of overturning Roe v Wade. I know some of you still believe me when I say that. I love you, you simple trusting, true Americans. And I love women, especially. In fact, I come from a religion that loves women so much, that for a long time we allowed male members to marry bunches of them. A religion that realizes that women need to be protected from themselves, and their inherent weakness, by strong, devout men. My wife Ann understands that, and she has a dancing horse. Do you have a dancing horse? I didn't think so.

This President, who doesn't love our country, is undeniably black, and probably wasn't even born here, has colluded with foreigners, Italians, to send good American jobs overseas. Maybe your job is next. Think about that.

Now some of you may have heard people saying that I made a lot of my money by shipping jobs overseas. Those people are liars. They simply don't understand how business works. They aren't as rich as I am, either. They trust in things they call "facts". Friends, you and I both know that you don't need "facts" when you have faith. Have faith in me. I love you. I love this country.

I love this country so much, that I am willing to sacrifice all of my self-esteem, abase myself in front of people like Rupert Murdoch, Rush Limbaugh, Grover Norquist, lie and cheat and steal, say and do ANYTHING, to be elected President of this country that I love so much.

Can the child of Ham say that? No, he cannot.

Behold, I have come to you on a White Horse to save you from democracy and yourselves!

Believe in me and the power of my righteousness and everything will be alright!