Monday, May 30, 2016

Possible Trump Vice Presidents: The Short List

That "Hey Vern" guy. To appeal to low information voters. Oh, we've already got them in the bag? Never mind.

Sarah Palin. Call it an insurance policy. Besides, I would look very presidential by comparison.

Rush Limbaugh. See above.

Bill O'Reilly. He's a really smart guy. Just ask him.

Charlize Theron. Melania isn't getting any younger.

Ben Carson. I like the blacks. The blacks like me. Plus, he's a doctor--in case I need a prescription for something.

Eva Longoria. Just found out Charlize isn't a US citizen! Anyway, the Hispanics love me! This will make them love me more!

Somebody who knows something about government. Maybe we should have a contest!

Thursday, May 26, 2016

Every Boy Needs A Mentor

Lil Dougie Ducey needed a mentor.

Sure, he'd made some money selling overpriced ice cream confections.

But he had so much more to offer the public!

He desperately wanted to be heard!

He desperately wanted to be a part of the solution!

He desperately wanted to be Governor of the benighted state of Arizona!

But how?

Fortunately, there were two kind older gentlemen, Dave and Chuckie Koch, who were looking for someone just like Dougie!

He was their kind of guy. Earnest, eager to learn, and not too bright. Let's call it malleable.

So they gave him guidance.

And millions and millions of untraceable dollars.

And lo and behold, Doug "Cup Or Wafflecone?" Ducey became the Governor of Arizona!

Sunday, May 22, 2016

Say Anything

You gotta hand it to Das Trumpo.

He can really read a room.

He looks out at his typical crowd of sad, broken, delusional, angry, mouth breathers.

These are trusting people who have voted for Republicans for years and never gotten a goddamn thing from the Party of Lincoln--except lies regarding how the black and brown people are stealing from them. Oh, and the occasional war to thin out the herd. All the while, the rich get richer...

And Trump tells them what they want to hear.

How it's not their fault! How they're going to be winners! The biggest, yoogest winners ever! He's gonna build them a wall! He's gonna round up those murdering, raping Mexicans! And then things will be all right again! The good jobs will come back! They'll have all the money! They'll be in charge!

ISIS? He knows how to deal with them! Climate change? All a liberal plot! China? Make a better deal! Abortion? Punish the women! No! Punish the doctors! No! Punish somebody! Yay!

Like any carny barker worth his salt, Trump knows that all you really have to say is,

"Step right up! Everybody's a winner!"

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Mostly, We Are Afraid Of The Wrong Things

Right now, for instance, we are supposed to be afraid of transvestites, or transsexuals, or Transylvanians, in the rest rooms.

This is so stupid, that I'm not going to comment on it further.

We're also supposed to be deathly afraid of Muslims. You are much more likely to be killed by a gun lovin', road raging, All American cracker, than you are by a Muslim.

If you listen to the Republican candidate--or any Republican candidate, for that matter--white Americans are in existential danger from "the other". "Them". And "them" usually means non-whites.

Now, I understand the karmic appeal of that reasoning.

After all, what goes around sometimes does come around.

And White Americans do have a lot to answer for.

But still...

There are more than enough existential threats without making shit up.

Unlimited money in politics is an existential threat to democracy. One party whole heartedly supports it.

Climate change is an existential threat to mankind. And the latest data show that it is happening much faster than we thought. One party denies that it even exists.

One party spends its time sniffing around public restrooms. One party tries to insert itself into women's most personal issues. One party has chosen a compulsively lying, fraudulent, loose cannon egomaniac as its presidential candidate.

One party does whatever it can to make sure that government does not work for everyone.

You should probably be afraid that the "government does not work" party might one day control every branch of our government.

Saturday, May 14, 2016

Rats Swimming Towards A Burning Ship

The SS Trump (funny how Trump and SS go together, ain't it?) is a smoldering mass of burning shit...

And yet it's still yooge and wonderful and beautiful and the best!

And that's why it is attracting so many...oh... let's say rats!

And I don't mean the cute ones like in Ratatouille, either.

I mean the Plague carrying kind.

The latest vermin to jump on board is Sheldon "Shelly The Red Dye Job" Adelson.

Shelly is a noted supporter of all things Israel (well, all right wing Zionist things Israel) and a casino owner of some renown. His Macau casino is under investigation for bribery, and his Las Vegas casino is full of scabs, but Shelly stills makes a lot of money, and that's all that counts. Right? Right!

Shelly joins other noted vermin including Arizona Sheriff Joe "Get The Mexicans!" Arpaio, former Arizona Governor Jan "Why Yes I Am Delusional" Brewer, and New Jersey Governor Chris "Pass The Donuts" Christie on the poop deck of the flaming Trump.

Though steerage is starting to fill up with various KKK Klowns, other White Supremacists, xenophobes, misogynists, homophobes, gun nutz, climate change deniers, lunatic butlers, and the rest of the Republican base there are still luxury first class cabins reserved for GOP movers and shakers.

It's a very large ship, in fact it is yooge, and there's still plenty of room for more. Bring your checkbook!

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

A Really Successful Liar...

...sticks with the lie.

That's it? It sounds too simple.

Oh, but it's harder than it sounds. Most people will fold under pressure--especially when they're caught in a lie.

But your really successful liar doesn't fold. If anything, he or she doubles down.

Look at an expert: Kim Philby, one of the Cambridge spies. Fucker was suspected years before he was caught. But he didn't fold. In fact, he was so indignant and adamant about his innocence that the Brits figured he must be telling the truth. As a result, he got to keep on lying for a long time.

So Donald J. Trump, nee Drumpf, he of the short fingers and vulgarity, persists with lie after lie after lie...

He's gotten away with fabrications and falsehoods for so long. Maybe he believes them. Maybe he doesn't. At this point that doesn't really matter. 

It doesn't matter too his true believers, either...which is sort of the point.

No, to be a really successful liar, all that matters is that you stick with the lie come hell or high water.

Saturday, May 7, 2016

Pigs Fly

We've all witnessed this at some time in our lives.

Guy is in a bar, or at work, or some family thing.

Guy is being a boorish, loud, ass-clown.

Just when you think he can't get any worse...he gets worse.

Saying and doing stupid, repulsive, outlandish stuff.

Crazy stuff.

Then...he goes just a little too far...

It gets real quiet. And suddenly, the ass-clown realizes, if only briefly, what he's doing.

And he stops. He may even reverse his course, at least momentarily. Might even apologize. But I wouldn't hold my breath.

Now, he's still an ass-clown at heart. And he always will be.

But, just for an instant, he did or said the right thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Arizona State Legislature and their abrupt change of course regarding KidsCare.

Wonder of wonders, they did the right thing!!!!!

And all it took was the loud disgust of, well, practically everyone else in the state.

Not to worry though. They will soon be back to their usual business of fucking over students, the poor, and minorities.

Because while pigs may sometimes fly, they're still pigs.

Thursday, May 5, 2016

Same Old Same Old

So the goodly, God fearing Republicans who control the Arizona legislature have labored mightily on the state's budget, and decided the best course of action is to, big surprise here, fuck over the weakest amongst us.

There will be no help from the great state of Arziona for poor, sick children. Just not economically feasible--even though the Feds pay for it. It sends the wrong message. It's a matter of principle, dammit!

Really, the decision wasn't that hard...

See, kids can't vote, after all. And poor people don't contribute to political campaigns. And poor kids...well, you can see where this is going. was a no brainer.

(Fill in your own joke here about Arizona Republicans and "no brains")

Now, if you ask these goodly, God fearing people, they would happily, and no doubt loudly, proclaim their Christian beliefs.

Which should make you want to VOMIT.

Anyway, don't expect our esteemed governor, Doug "Cup or Wafflecone" Ducey, who is to all appearances a wholly owned subsidiary of the Koch Brothers, to do anything about this.

Because if there's one thing Doug Ducey knows, it's which side his white bread is buttered on.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

The Dream Team

So loser Ted Cruz thinks having other loser Carly Fiorina as a running mate on his hypothetical ticket will attract...what exactly?

Fiorina, of course, was a giant of industry, who laid off 30,000 employees, nearly wrecked "her" company, and yet famously floated away on a golden parachute woven from many millions of Yankee Greenbacks and the tears of the terminated.

She also has a chronic habit of telling lies, lies and more lies...

Come to think of it, that makes her a nearly perfect Republican.

Teddy Boy is a truly despicable human being, one of those religious hypocrites who wrap themselves in Jesus at the drop of a hat, a dime store Machiavelli with the charm of a snake oil salesman.

Since almost everybody in D.C. hates him, and with good reason, he's looking for something, anything, to give his slumping campaign a little bump.

And he must think that having Carly by his side will help push him past The Great and Powerful Trumpo and his horde of "low information" followers.

I'm sorry, but while it is true that Ted and Carly were made for each other, I'm afraid that boat has sailed...

However, there is still time to get a reality series out of this thing.

How does The Laughable Candidates of the GOP sound?

Somebody call BRAVO!