Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Regarding Cliven Bundy

Wouldn't we all be better off as slaves?

I mean, really...

No mortgages. 3 squares. Free housing. Free clothing. Steady work and lots of fresh air.

Oh sure, being owned by someone else does have some drawbacks.

The lashings, the rapes, the wives and children sold to the highest bidders, being worked to death, the unmarked graves. Oh, and let's not forget the brutal, murderous whims of amoral, psychopathic owners. And of course the ultimate dehumanizing act of being treated as a piece of property.

But all in all...

Thursday, April 24, 2014

"End Times" Again

According to noted televangelist and hairspray adept Pat Robertson, we're very near the End Times. Again.

And here I just put all of the decorations away from the last "End Times." Jesus. I guess apocalypses do have a way of sneaking up on you.

You know, one of the problems with living your life according to a bunch of superstitions and fairy tales is that you're never exactly sure what to plan for.

Plague of locusts or famine? Do I need to stock up on the bug spray or just a bunch of canned goods? Or both? Beats me.

Is this really the Rapture or just a problem with my meds?

Will it rain for 40 days and nights, or only long enough to mess up the car?

Is it better to be already dead and raised up by old Mr. Jesus, or alive, brutally killed in the conflagration, and then raised up?

Should I spring for the 3D Imax version of the Book of Revelations? Those glasses give me a headache.

What do the Chinese think about all this?

So many questions, and so few answers.

Monday, April 14, 2014

I Wonder If...

I wonder if...

...the Chinese spend a lot of time debating the scientific merits of creationism?

...the next big tech breakthrough, or cure for cancer, or remedy for climate change, or new energy source, or anything of value will come from some kid who thinks the earth was created in 6 days, Noah filled a boat with mating pairs of every living creature, and Jesus rode a dinosaur?

Gee, I wonder if all the time we've spent in pointless debate with bible thumping simpletons was wasted?

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Dear Sheldon Adelson,

Dear Sheldon,

May I call you Shelly? You seem like a Shelly to me.

Hey, sorry I missed the big Bow Down Before Me And Beg For My Money fest. From what I saw on the TV it looked like a lot of fun.  Especially when Jersey Fats slipped up with that "occupied territories" gaffe. My God, I almost split a gut with laughter!

That's a cool scooter you got, by the way. Is that one of those "and it won't cost you anything" deals they advertise on the late night infomercials? I know you could afford to buy one, but free stuff is free stuff. Am I right?

Look, you're a busy man--how are those Justice Department investigations of bribery at your Macau casino going by the way? Ooops. Sore spot, huh? My bad.

Anyway, here's the deal. Last Presidential election you spent about a hundred million bucks on loser candidates. I mean real losers. Newt Gingrich? Mitt Romney? I know, you being a billionaire and all, that's just a few drops in the old Clairol bucket. And this time, Yahweh love you, you seem bound and determined to do it again. Noblesse oblige, and all that.

But let's face it, Christie, Kasich, and the rest have the stench of death on them already, and it's only 2014! By 2016 they'll be so ripe, nobody will go near them. Except die hard Republicans, of course. And if you've been paying any attention at all, you know that there aren't going to be enough die hard Republicans left to elect a president of anything larger than an all white Country Club.

So here's my pitch: For millions less than you'll spend on any of them, I promise to be your candidate. I'll even convert if necessary. I mean, one set of fairy tales is pretty much the same as the other, so why not? I already have a couple of campaign slogans ready: "Israel First Last and Always!" and "A Rich SOB Paid For This Sign".

Honestly, we both know that you're going to lose again. And then pretty soon you're going to die. But until that glorious day comes along, we should have some fun, huh?

Yours truly (for a price),

B. Franklin

Friday, April 4, 2014

The Gettysburg Address ( Supreme Court Approved 2014 Amended Edition)

Four $core and $even year$ ago our father$ brought forth on thi$ continent, a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the propo$ition that all men are created equal. 

Now we are engaged in a great civil war, te$ting whether that nation, or any nation $o conceived and $o dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, a$ a final re$ting place for tho$e who here gave their live$ that that nation might live. It i$ altogether fitting and proper that we $hould do thi$. 

But, in a larger $en$e, we can not dedicate -- we can not con$ecrate -- we can not hallow -- thi$ ground. The brave men, living and dead, who $truggled here, have con$ecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract. The world will little note, nor long remember what we $ay here, but it can never forget what they did here. It i$ for u$ the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfini$hed work which they who fought here have thu$ far $o nobly advanced. It i$ rather for u$ to be here dedicated to the great ta$k remaining before u$ -- that from the$e honored dead we take increa$ed devotion to that cau$e for which they gave the la$t full mea$ure of devotion -- that we here highly re$olve that the$e dead $hall not have died in vain -- that thi$ nation, under God, $hall have a new birth of freedom -- and that government of the people $$$$$$, by the people $$$$$$, for the people $$$$$$, $hall not peri$h from the earth.

Just another nail in the coffin of democracy, courtesy of John Roberts and the Supremes. Nice work boys. I'm sure you will be amply rewarded by your bosses.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Why Don't The Koch Brothers Want Us To Have Affordable Health Care?

I mean, after they've poisoned all of our air and water with their various industries, we're going to need it.

It seems like the smart play would be to support health care reform wholeheartedly.

Then, when we're all gasping for air, dehydrated from lack of clean water, and dying from the various forms of cancer that the Koch brand of "free, unregulated markets" inevitably create, they could say, "hey, we may have poisoned you and your family, but at least we did everything we could to make sure you had a little medical care!"

But no, they're happily spending hundreds of millions of dollars hiring people to lie about Obamacare.

So, the big question is, why?

Since money and power are obviously what really matter to Dave and Charlie, where's the profit for them in denying people affordable health care?

Or is it just that they hate some things so thoroughly--Obama, democracy, people who aren't rich, the very idea of being governed--that they're doing this one as a freebie, just for shits and giggles?

Let's call it merely another case of evil people being evil, and leave it at that.