Wednesday, April 27, 2016

The State Where I Live...

Thinks it would be a good idea to mine uranium close to the Grand Canyon.

Also thinks it would be a good idea to build condos by the Canyon, because natural wonders are assets and all assets need to be monetized, don't ya know?

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Had its last state wide election decided almost entirely by Dark Money. Lots and lots of it for such a minor state. So dark corporate money decided who would be on the commission that regulates corporations. Beautiful!

Won't do anything to stop the flow of Dark Money. Because, you know, money is speech and speech is protected by the Constitution! Plus, everybody likes money! The more the merrier.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Vilifies the weakest among us. And yet couldn't function from day to day without them.

Attracts the kind of employers who pay subsistence wages with no benefits.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Elected an ice cream salesman to be governor (with the help of lots of Dark Money, of course!) Because, you know, free enterprise/run government like a business!

Screws the public schools on a daily basis, year in and year out.  And then blames the teachers for the problem.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Had to be sued to force the state to adequately fund the public schools.

Is currently exploring ways to steal from itself to pay this debt to the public schools. Rather, of course, than simply raising taxes.

Because, well, you know...

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best!

Saturday, April 23, 2016

He Promises!

If I've correctly decoded the latest campaign memos from Trump Inc, Donald J "promises" that he won't be an asshole--if he's elected.

He will, instead, be Presidential.

As if by magic.

The trouble is, quite simply, that Donald J. Trump has been an asshole his entire life. You can look it up.

And a leopard don't change his spots.

I've been in plays where actors "promised" that they would know their lines by opening night. So there was nothing to worry about.

Oh sure, rehearsals would be a disaster, and all the other actors would be thrown in the process, but come the opening, everything will be great!

Every single time, the director replaced the actor well before opening night.

Because you should never believe an asshole when he says he will change.


Tuesday, April 19, 2016

The Incredibly Fragile Ego Of Donald J. Trump

I guess we should blame his parents.

Here's what appears to be a grown man. All dressed up in a very expensive suit (that almost fits him).

But he's still really just a child.

A spoiled, angry, egomaniacal child.

He's always the "smartest" "best"  "yoogest" "a winner".

These are the ravings of a spoiled brat.

Trying desperately to get Mater and Pater's attention. Dying for it.

"Look at me! Look at me! Pay attention to me! Please?!"

And if he's challenged on anything, anything, he balls up his tiny fists and throws a tantrum.

He wants to hit whatever annoys him.

Like an angry baby.

It's pathetic.

But what is even more pathetic is that The Big Baby has attracted millions of followers.

Delusional imbeciles who would have as the leader of the most powerful nation on earth a spoiled angry brat with his tiny fingers on the nuclear button.

Friday, April 15, 2016

Signor Baseball's 2016 AL Preview

My God, it's Tax Day!!! The jack booted thugs are at the door, and...OK, deep breath. Now, let's put this ugliness aside for a moment, try to forget all those corporations that spend countless hours avoiding paying their fair share, and ponder instead the fate of the junior circuit.

The AL East is made up of 5 slightly above average teams. Any one of them could win. Any one of them could crash and burn.

Toronto scores runs like a beer league softball team. But their starting pitching isn't particularly imposing. If it were, they'd run away with the division. Boston was way down last year and they usually bounce back. They've added an ace and if they get their normal offensive output they'll be alright. On the other hand, they've relegated a couple of hundred million bucks to sitting on the bench...Baltimore may have passed its window of opportunity, but with no clearly superior team ahead of them, who knows? They can score a lot of runs, and if their pitching holds up...? Nah. In New York, I wouldn't expect the Yanks' aging stars to get any better. And their ace is always one pitch away from elbow surgery. I guess you could say that about any pitcher these days, though. Again, they don't have to be "great" to compete in this division. However, staying reasonably healthy is a must. Once again Tampa will play pretty solid baseball before mostly empty seats. The more things change...You know, with all those Cubans down there you'd think both Florida teams would have no problem attracting fans. But I guess the younger ones don't care and the older ones are still too busy plotting the overthrow of Castro to bother with baseball.

In the Central it looks like a Kansas City dynasty is taking root. Although it should be noted that if the Mets had been able to make a couple of routine plays, the Royals would be 2 time losers in the World Series. Still, their everyday lineup is the best in the division and that bullpen usually covers the weaknesses of their starters. Cleveland and Detroit should stay close. The Indians have the arms and the Tigers have the bats. Now, if Justin Verlander can overcome what might be Kate Upton Related Fatigue (and really, who can blame him?) and regain his Cy Young form, then the Tigers will give the Royals a good run for the money. Minnesota is a sleeper here. If their young talent lives up to the hype...Which is the biggest kind of "if" in any sport. And the White Sox, with or without a "kids free" clubhouse, will turn a lot of Chicagoans into Cubs' fans this year.

Out West, I'm taking Seattle to surprise everyone. Why? No idea. Call it a hunch. Or too much chardonnay and not enough sleep. Houston is probably the smart pick, but because of my fear of a Cubs/Astros World Series, which is one of the first signs of End Times, I'm eschatologically opposed to choosing the 'stros. The Rangers and Angels, despite having a handful of all stars between them, look like also rans this year. However, if Yu Darvish comes back and Cole Hamels has a big year, Texas has a better chance to compete than the Los Angeles/Anaheim/Inland Empire/OrangeCounty ballchuckers do. Mike Trout may be the best all around player in the sport, but this ain't basketball and one super dooper star doesn't guarantee anything. That leaves the Billy Ballers in Oakland. Unless I'm greatly mistaken, anything and anyone of value will be available by late July. Having no money will do that to you. Besides, the A's just love to rebuild every couple of years. Don't they?

Monday, April 11, 2016

Signor Baseball's 2016 NL Preview

Time to temporarily put away childish Trump and Cruz and super delegates and all those millionaires and billionaires cheating on their taxes, and think for a moment about something important.

NL East: It has perhaps occurred to some of us that Bryce Harper is not as good as Bryce Harper thinks Bryce Harper is...or is that simply a clown conjecture? Anyway, what are we, Bryce Harper included, without our aspirations? The Nationals aspire to not be such a huge letdown, yet again. Matt Williams was not particularly good at his job, so now it's Dusty Baker's turn to be disappointed by all that talent. The Mets retain superior pitching and a couple of bats, and if they can stop shooting themselves in the foot, as they did throughout the World Series, and nobody's arm falls off, always a big "if", they should be the class of this division. Down Miami way, repeat after me "worst owner in baseball, worst owner in baseball". We will see if Don Mattingly can manage a team with a payroll under 200 mil. But who knows, they have a knack for turning up young talent, Giancarlo Stanton is beast if healthy, and maybe Barry Bonds will spread some pharmaceutical magic and the Marlins will ride his pixie dust into contention. The Braves, as always, are solid, but not nearly good enough to win this division. The Phillies are in complete tear it down and start over mode. Which is fine, because booing is a Philadelphia sports fan's automatic default mode anyway.

The NL Central presents the unsettling proposition that the Cubs are now the team to beat. Can this be?  Yes, Virginia, it can. And it would be great if they could finally win the pennant and the Series and we could finally stop hearing about the curse of the billy goat, and all the other miseries that have befallen Chicago since 1908. I don't think that's going to happen this year, but they should win the Central at least. Unless, of course, the pressure of being the presumptive favorite is too much for them. The Cardinals and Pirates will be right behind them should they falter. St. Louis, ho hum, is again very, very good. Year in and year out, not unlike the San Antonio Spurs. Although lately they seem to be snake bitten injury wise. And, at best, the poor Pirates look destined to play another one game Wild Card playoff. Maybe they can win one...some day. The Brewers and Reds bring up the rear. I'd look for fire sales from both of them come mid Summer. Frankly, states that elect the likes of Scott Walker and John Kasich really deserve no more.

Out in the NL West, the Diamondbacks look like a real baseball team for the first time in awhile, and many much wiser folks than I have predicted big things from them this year. Unfortunately, their skeevy owners have decided to extort the locals into turning over the public trough--or else! Just another Give Us More--Or We Will Leave punk move by a group of very wealthy white men. Sound familiar? So, I wish ruin upon them and pick, ho hum, LA or SF to win the division. Even without Greinke, the Dodgers are still loaded and it's an even year, which recently has meant 'the Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!' Down San Diego way, there's a Nobu real close to Padres' Petco Field. So they've got that going for them...And up in Colorado, the Rockies can have all the legal Mary Jane they can get their hands or mostly lose, it's all good, bro!

PS if you had Jordan Spieth in the Quadruple Bogey pool, you're a winner!

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

Welcome to West Kansas

Ya gotta give it to Arizona's Governor, Doug "Cup Or Wafflecone?" Ducey.

He can follow a plan!

ALEC and the Koch Brothers tell him what to do, and by golly, he does it. After all, he's already been bought and paid for, so he better deliver if he knows what's good for him.

What we see happening in Arizona is an almost exact duplicate of what's happened in Kansas.

A little something I like to call Modern Reactionary Republicanism Run Wild.

Now, if you keep up with current events you know that Kansas is a fucking disaster zone.

That's a fact.

And it's all because of the Republicans who control that state's government.

Their only goal is to cut taxes to "starve the beast" and put a few more dollars in their rich backers' pockets.  So public services fall apart, including education. And, of course, the economic miracles that are supposed to result from cutting taxes never happen.

But "facts" have no place in today's GOP.

And Republicans are incapable of learning from their mistakes.

With time and repetition tragedy becomes farce.

So welcome to West Kansas, er, I mean Arizona!

Sunday, April 3, 2016


Wouldn't it be funny if Il Trumpo was done in for saying out loud what is essentially the logical next step in the Republican position on abortion?

After all the other stupid shit he's said?!

That insane crap about Mexicans and Muslims and the Middle East and building walls and China and the whole world laughing at us and "birtherism" and nuclear weapons and every piece of offensive, idiotic nonsense he's burbled in the last few months...

That was all OK. After all, anything to attack the black president is OK.

But voicing what many pro-lifers must truly believe?


I say "truly believe" because abortion is "murder" to them. And there must be punishment for "murder". Ask all those fire breathing, frothing at the mouth, fundamentalist pastors that support Ted Cruz.

Somebody has to pay!

So they applaud or look the other way when women's clinics are fire bombed and doctors murdered.

And they create ridiculous laws to hamper the whole process of abortion.

Which, the last time I checked, was a right protected by the Constitution.

Oh, I forgot! Republicans get to pick and choose which parts of the Constitution, and laws in general, that they follow. Because, uh...Jesus?

Therefore, based on their line of reasoning, it only makes sense that there should be some form of punishment for the women who participate in these "murders".

Unless it's a Republican woman who gets an abortion...

But that would never happen, would it?

Friday, April 1, 2016

The Republican Party Really Would Prefer That Some Of You Do Not Vote

If you're a white male with property, fine.

Go ahead and vote!

That's what God, and our scared Constitution, originally intended.

But women...? Well, see, women are irrational beings. They have the "menses" you know? And since they can't even be trusted with control over their own bodies, why would you trust them to vote?

Let's compromise: women can vote ONLY if they vote like their husbands. Their white male husbands with property, that is.

As for your lesser races...well...NO.


What about poor whites? Just like the wimmenfolks, they can vote--but only if they vote exactly like their betters.

See, democracy doesn't have to be so messy, after all!