The Republican Playbook

1. Get elected any way you can. 

Lie cheat steal. It's all good if it gets you elected. 

Take money from any corporation, billionaire, or foreign state that offers it. It all spends the same.

Blow that racist dog whistle. Blow hard! All of those people who say, "I'm not a racist, but..." will appreciate your efforts.

Make up shit about voter fraud. Smart people realize that it is so infrequent and so statistically insignificant that it can barely be measured. But our base isn't smart, so...knock yourself out!

To attract independents, make up some bullshit about inflation, or baby formula, or Afghanistan, or somebody's laptop. Is Benghazi still a thing? Please, please, please let it be!

Whatever deviance you practice, claim your opponent practices it first. 

Do whatever you can to keep people of color from voting. Same thing applies to young people of all ethnicities.

Remember, rampant hypocrisy is a feature--not a bug. 

2. Once in office:

Continue spreading all the garbage that got you elected. You now have a pulpit. Use it!

You have one job: and that is to help the richest people get richer. Know which side your bread is buttered on, for Christ's sake.

After all, poor people are a drag. They need things. You know, food, education, affordable housing, health care they can afford. And, on top of all of that, well, let's call it what it is, BEGGING, they don't have any money to help your campaign.

STOP anything that might be good for the majority of Americans. Sane gun control, universal health care, higher minimum wage, etc etc etc. Repeat after me, You Are Not There To Help The People Who Need It. That's socialism, after all.

And always remember this: We are all good Christians--and they're not.

Sadly, despite your best efforts, and all that Koch and NRA and foreign money, ultimately you may lose re-election. So make sure that you've fucked up so many things, so thoroughly, that the Democrat who replaces you will have a mountain of things to fix.

3. Then, and this is the really fun part, start complaining as often and as loudly as possible, that they haven't fixed everything fast enough.

A Nagging Suspicion

Optimism is one of the foundational values* of this great land of ours.

You know, the whole "tomorrow will be better than today" bit.

After all, the first few generations of Americans were screw-ups who had to leave wherever they were for one of several reasons: Religious, political, legal, or maybe just that they had failed to achieve any kind of success in their native lands.

So they came here, to the Land of Hope and Dreams, like it says on the brochure.

And for many people and many years, it was just that...

Recently, though, I've had this nagging suspicion that maybe, just maybe, we've already seen the best of it. The good times are rapidly ending and it will be all downhill from here.

Probably not a Cormac McCarthy dystopia in my lifetime; but certainly unpredictably unpleasant times ahead for my children and grandchildren.

Let us list some of the many things that will queer the deal for the generations that follow us:

Climate change. For a "Chinese hoax" it's amazing how wide spread and enduring it is. I don't want to go too far out on a limb here, but I think the 98% of climate scientists who agree that it is man made and therefore men can do something about it might be right, and the 2% or so that argue against human causes, and who, by the way, are usually bought and paid for by oil and other extraction industries, might be wrong. When California burns to the ground, Miami is completely underwater, and bits of New York City, too, maybe the 2% will finally come around--if the checks from the Koch brothers and the oil companies stop, that is. Until then, by all means let's Drill Baby Drill!

Antibiotic resistant diseases. All those goodies they shoot into our chickens and cows and pigs to make them healthy enough so we can eat them, have several "unintended consequences". One is that strains of microbes pop up that fewer and fewer drugs can combat. We are nearing a pandemic of some unknown origin, and there may not be anything we can do to stop it. Oh well, you didn't want to live forever anyway, did you?

The worldwide lurch to "strong men" leaders. All dictatorships are essentially the same: one man in charge; his family and a few trusted people making out like bandits, literally; and much suffering for the masses. Everything for sale to the highest bidder, including the right to pollute the air and water. And you either acquiesce, or are labelled an "enemy of the state." There have always been a handful of dictators scattered across the planet, though in the latter part of the 20th century they were usually isolated in inconsequential backwaters. These days, however, it is extremely discouraging that many millions of Americans seem to be fine with this approach to governing.

So, here we are. The optimist in me says there's still enough time to "fix" things. The pessimist says we won't.

It was fun while it lasted.

 *(That and an amazing ability to gloss over all of our failures--but that's another story.)

The Orange Old Deal (notes from a Republican think tank)

Ok. We all agree that this Green New Deal nonsense is a nonstarter.

For one thing, it's Progressive. And we're against progress. Always remember that. It's our operating principle.

Progress leads to fairness. Fairness is antithetical to everything we stand for. After all, fairness is the root of socialism. YIKES!

But we have to offer an alternative with a catchy name.

So...The Orange Old Deal:

Forget wind and solar and bio fuels. We're going to burn coal until there's not a lump of coal left. Because 30,000 coal miner jobs are much more important than the 350 million other American lives. (Let alone all of those billions of foreigners. Foreigners are so...foreign.)

Same thing applies to oil, by the way. Drill Baby drill! Remember, climate change is a liberal myth. Or a Chinese plot. You choose. The Koch brothers will be happy to fund you either way.

Fetuses are sacred. Guns are even more sacred. Health care isn't a right. Russia is our friend. Collusion is not a crime. Black people are dangerous. So are brown people. So are educated people. Especially educated women.

Looks like we are going to need to build a lot of walls.

Social Security will work better after we give all that money to Wall Street. We promise.

A living wage is whatever your boss says it is. You're lucky to have a job. So shut up and get to work.

Anything else?

Oh yeah. Always remember to wear your flag pins. Now repeat after me: We Love This Country So Much!

Martha McSally Doesn't Belong In The Senate

This isn't about being unqualified.

If we only elected qualified people to the Senate, we'd have at least 53 openings right now.

This also isn't about her "say anything, no matter how untrue, to win" approach to campaigning. ALL Republicans follow that playbook, from King Donald the Last on down. 

No, the thing is McSally lost.

We had an election and she lost.

L.O.S.T.

That should count for something.

Even a Republican should understand that.

Even Governor Doug "Cup or Waffle Cone?" Ducey should understand that.

But since Ducey is apparently a wholly owned subsidiary of the Koch Brothers, and thinks only of making his masters happy, naturally he appoints a loser to the Senate.

One more vote to screw working class people and minorities and dismantle whatever remains of the safety net is always welcome in the big Republican tent.

Sure, it's probably only for a couple of years...I can't imagine that her screechy, constantly lying, phony patriot persona will get her re-elected, but we've seen how much damage the Republican clown show can do in only a couple of years.

No, Martha McSally is a loser. Let her get a gig at Fox News with all the other halfwit bottom feeders.

Complete Indifference To The Suffering Of Others

Big day if you're a billionaire, or at least a multi-millionaire!

All of those donations to the Republican toady of your choice finally paid off!

The long nightmare that the poor Koch brothers, and the Mercers, and the Ricketts, and all the rest of the country's owners have been living through is, at last, over. Little Barron Trump's future is secure!

Happy days are here again!

Your Republican Congress has come through for you!

And all it took was taking healthcare away from a few tens of millions of your fellow citizens. Oh, and don't forget stripping whatever is left of the safety net. And the deduction for your mortgage interest, too.

It's funny how all of these things don't matter much to the very rich...and poof, just like that, they're gone!

Maybe funny is the wrong word.

Pretty soon Social Security and Medicare/Medicaid will have to be "dealt" with, because, you know, deficits!

After all, defense contractors don't work for free! And bombers and aircraft carriers and nuclear bombs don't grow on trees. So we will need to tighten our belts a bit to be able to afford these absolute necessities. You can't have everything.

It would be wrong for you to have health insurance and access to welfare and food stamps if you need them, and that little government check every month to ease your retirement, when that money could just as easily buy a third or fourth home, or a new jet for some deserving oligarch.

So some of the entitlements that the lazy takers rely on will have to be restructured.

You see, the only unforgivable crime in the good ol USA is to be poor. Too poor to contribute to Republican politicians. So what do you expect? Fairness? A sense of community and a common cause? Justice? Hahaha. Ask a person of color about fairness and justice in the good ol USA...Looks like you're in the same boat now, baby!

To be fair, the Republicans always offer prayers and condolences when there's a national tragedy. Let's see if that holds true for self-inflicted ones.

Maybe they'll pray for you!

It's Money That They Love

Dear Republican voters,

It should be evident to all but the dullest of you that your elected officials, the men and women with that R next to their names, the ones you've sent back to Washington over and over again, despite their utter lack of achievements, love one thing and one thing only:

Money.

Oh, sure, at every election they are masters at playing to whatever pet prejudices you, their easily fleeced flock, are currently in an uproar about.

Could be abortion. Could be welfare. Could be immigration. Could be guns. Could be health care. Could be "them" and what "they are doing to ruin this great country of ours." (The "them" being people of color, or the gays, or feminists, or those wicked, wicked liberals.)

Could be all of the above. They know you are haters and they willingly cater to your hatred.

But unless you are a complete dolt, (and I recognize that complete dolts make up a sizeable percentage of the Republican Party), you have to by now have recognized that what truly motivates all but the worst of the worst (i. e. the Gohmerts and Kings and Franks of the Grand Old Party), is money, and its non-stop pursuit.

Take the latest rip-off, aka the Republican tax plan. Unless you are a millionaire, better yet a billionaire, this "plan" will not help you at all. It will in fact hurt you. Deeply. Now, you might think that the fine Christians you helped elect would not want to hurt their constituency. Hahaha! Once again the joke is on you.

See, the vast majority of you do not give millions of dollars to the Republican party. So, honestly, what do you expect all the God fearing Republicans in Washington to do for you? You have no quid in the quid pro quo game. But billionaires do. Folks like the Koch brothers, the Mercers, the Ricketts, and Sheldon Adelson. They bought them a bunch of congressmen and women and a so-called President, and they expect to get something in return.

Like massive tax cuts and an end to the estate tax. And if they don't, they won't send millions of dollars to the Republican Party anymore. And the Republican Party will cease to exist. Pretty simple.

Now, somebody has to pay for all those pretty pretty toys the Defense Department really really needs, and if it isn't the wealthy, and it won't be, guess who it will be. Same for whatever few threads are left of the safety net.You might think that the safety net is only for "them", but you will find out very quickly that you need it, too.

Gee, I wonder whose taxes are going to go up if the richest amongst us have their taxes go down?

Uh, that would be you.

Again, hahaha.

Very Rich People Don't Really Like Democracy Much

Don't get me wrong, now.

They LOVE this country.

Not enough to pay more taxes, of course.

Not enough to worry about inequality. No.

Not enough to fight for health care and a quality education for all.

Not enough to be concerned about voter suppression and gerrymandering.

Not enough to be angry when the cops gun down another unarmed black or brown person.

No, that's not the kind of "love" we're talking about.

The kind of "love" they mean is "tough" love. Where they tell the rest of us to stop complaining about these issues and pull ourselves up by our bootstraps...because this is the "best country on the face of the earth" and "God loves the USA" and "poor people are lazy" and "welfare cheats are stealing from us all" and "food stamps make people dependent and obese" and "health care isn't a right" and "corporations and wealthy people are hideously overtaxed" and all of the other nonsensical bullshit they're so fond of spewing.

That's the kind of love they understand.

The wrap yourself in the flag, wave your Bible, and bitch about the "takers" kind.

Those Poor, Unappreciated, Needy Billionaires

Why do some billionaires, who have self-evidently benefited from our system to an extreme, want to destroy our system?

This is a puzzling question, to me at least.

Take the Koch brothers (please).

They are each worth upward of 50 billion dollars. Think about that for a second. 50 billion is 50 thousand million. If they never made another penny, they could each spend a million dollars a day for 137 years.

They achieved some of this wealth from inheritance, of course, but the vast majority of it they have "earned" under our system of government, including our economic system, and our taxation system.

Unfortunately, 50 billion apiece just isn't enough. In some way they still feel cheated. Poor things. They think they are overtaxed and over regulated, and that they would've done much better in the imaginary, libertarian, no-holds-barred, free market paradise that they dream of. 

So they've decided to buy up every politician they can to make sure that in the future they get a "fair" shake.

Perhaps by doing away with pesky things like clean air and water laws, OSHA, the EPA, unions, the minimum wage, and estate taxes.

Of course, contrary to 37 years of Republican economic policy, the more that flows to the top .1% the less there is for everyone else.

What pleasure do they, and their ilk, get from taking things away from poorer people? It must be intense, perhaps even sexual in nature.

Meet Trump's Cabinet

Chief of Staff: Steve "Even Sewer Scum Thinks I'm Awful" Bannon.

Secretary of State: Sarah "I can see Russia from my house" Palin. Of course, that's only if Putin is too busy to do the job.

Attorney General: Jeff "If'n You Want To Start A Race War, I'm Yer Peckerwood" Sessions. I guess we're not going to "throw her in jail" now, are we? There's still a very long enemies list to get through.

National Security Advisor: General Michael "Kill Anyone Who Doesn't Love Jesus" Flynn.

Secretary of Defense: John "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Iran" McCain. I know they've had their differences, but surely they can agree on nuking some folks, can't they? The Chickenhawk and the Professional POW. Sounds like a great buddy movie.

Department of Homeland Security: Milwaukee County Sheriff David "Constitution? We Don't Need No Stinkin' Constitution" Clarke. See, he's black so that means they're not racists, right? Yes, he is black, but the old, ugly phrase "house ni**er" comes to mind.

Secretary of the Interior: Is James Watt dead? If so, then whomever the Koch brothers want will do. We've got a lot of federal lands to despoil. Those National Parks aren't going to privatize themselves!

Secretaries of Education, Energy, Housing and Urban Development, Health and Human Services: you're kidding, right?

And of course, since Trump will need all the help he can get, there will have to be some new positions:

Minister of Misinformation: Roger Ailes.

Minister of Culture: Ted Nugent.

Minister of Bile: Rudy "Frothing at the Mouth" Guiliani. Naturally, he has to be cleared for rabies first.

Minister of Truly Bad Ideas:  John "Anyone Who Listens To Me Is A Fool" Bolton. Regime change? In Iran?  Beautiful. It's good to see Bolton hasn't lost a step.

Minister(s) of Internal Compliance: All those armed Trump supporters can take turns keeping the rest of us, the majority by the way, in line.

Gonna be a fun 4 years.

Every Boy Needs A Mentor

Lil Dougie Ducey needed a mentor.

Sure, he'd made some money selling overpriced ice cream confections.

But he had so much more to offer the public!

He desperately wanted to be heard!

He desperately wanted to be a part of the solution!

He desperately wanted to be Governor of the benighted state of Arizona!

But how?

Fortunately, there were two kind older gentlemen, Dave and Chuckie Koch, who were looking for someone just like Dougie!

He was their kind of guy. Earnest, eager to learn, and not too bright. Let's call it malleable.

So they gave him guidance.

And millions and millions of untraceable dollars.

And lo and behold, Doug "Cup Or Wafflecone?" Ducey became the Governor of Arizona!

Mostly, We Are Afraid Of The Wrong Things

Right now, for instance, we are supposed to be afraid of transvestites, or transsexuals, or Transylvanians, in the rest rooms.

This is so stupid, that I'm not going to comment on it further.

We're also supposed to be deathly afraid of Muslims. You are much more likely to be killed by a gun lovin', road raging, All American cracker, than you are by a Muslim.

If you listen to the Republican candidate--or any Republican candidate, for that matter--white Americans are in existential danger from "the other". "Them". And "them" usually means non-whites.

Now, I understand the karmic appeal of that reasoning.

After all, what goes around sometimes does come around.

And White Americans do have a lot to answer for.

But still...

There are more than enough existential threats without making shit up.

Unlimited money in politics is an existential threat to democracy. One party whole heartedly supports it.

Climate change is an existential threat to mankind. And the latest data show that it is happening much faster than we thought. One party denies that it even exists.

One party spends its time sniffing around public restrooms. One party tries to insert itself into women's most personal issues. One party has chosen a compulsively lying, fraudulent, loose cannon egomaniac as its presidential candidate.

One party does whatever it can to make sure that government does not work for everyone.

You should probably be afraid that the "government does not work" party might one day control every branch of our government.

Same Old Same Old

So the goodly, God fearing Republicans who control the Arizona legislature have labored mightily on the state's budget, and decided the best course of action is to, big surprise here, fuck over the weakest amongst us.

There will be no help from the great state of Arziona for poor, sick children. Just not economically feasible--even though the Feds pay for it. It sends the wrong message. It's a matter of principle, dammit!

Really, the decision wasn't that hard...

See, kids can't vote, after all. And poor people don't contribute to political campaigns. And poor kids...well, you can see where this is going.

So...it was a no brainer.

(Fill in your own joke here about Arizona Republicans and "no brains")

Now, if you ask these goodly, God fearing people, they would happily, and no doubt loudly, proclaim their Christian beliefs.

Which should make you want to VOMIT.

Anyway, don't expect our esteemed governor, Doug "Cup or Wafflecone" Ducey, who is to all appearances a wholly owned subsidiary of the Koch Brothers, to do anything about this.

Because if there's one thing Doug Ducey knows, it's which side his white bread is buttered on.

The State Where I Live...

Thinks it would be a good idea to mine uranium close to the Grand Canyon.

Also thinks it would be a good idea to build condos by the Canyon, because natural wonders are assets and all assets need to be monetized, don't ya know?

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Had its last state wide election decided almost entirely by Dark Money. Lots and lots of it for such a minor state. So dark corporate money decided who would be on the commission that regulates corporations. Beautiful!

Won't do anything to stop the flow of Dark Money. Because, you know, money is speech and speech is protected by the Constitution! Plus, everybody likes money! The more the merrier.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Vilifies the weakest among us. And yet couldn't function from day to day without them.

Attracts the kind of employers who pay subsistence wages with no benefits.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Elected an ice cream salesman to be governor (with the help of lots of Dark Money, of course!) Because, you know, free enterprise/run government like a business!

Screws the public schools on a daily basis, year in and year out.  And then blames the teachers for the problem.

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best.

Had to be sued to force the state to adequately fund the public schools.

Is currently exploring ways to steal from itself to pay this debt to the public schools. Rather, of course, than simply raising taxes.

Because, well, you know...

Cuts taxes and hopes for the best!

More Republican Debate Demands

Laugh track.

Applause signs.

No "gotcha" questions. No hard questions. No questions. Just let us talk. That's what the American people want.

Don't look at us like that.

A choir.

When we lie, and we all will lie, repeatedly, don't you dare say anything.

Cool graphics. Like the Avengers.

Something to keep Carson from nodding off.

I said don't look at us like that!

More yooge. More fantastic. More winning.

Treat us with the respect we deserve.

As long as Jeb is still in the race, don't mention his brother.

(Note: find out if Jeb is still in the race)

Something for Marco Rubio to stand on. A stool, a phone book. Something.

Absolutely no fact checkers. For what are "facts" really? Just some so called "expert's" opinion.

Soft focus for Carly.

Trump's hair wants its own trailer.

Since nobody wants to stand next to Cruz, maybe we can green-screen him in.

Audience vetted by Fox News, the Koch brothers, and/or the KKK.

When we lie, and we all will lie, repeatedly, try to keep a straight face.

Scotty, We Hardly Knew Ye...

Of course, what we did know was appalling...

So Scott Walker, oh, excuse me, Governor Scott "Polling At Less Than 1%" Walker, darling of oligarchs everywhere, union buster extraordinaire, scourge of those awful bastards who pretend to teach our children, the man who allegedly was able to get out of a jam by buying his own personal set of judges, has decided to drop out of the race to be the Republican presidential nominee in 2016.

Sad sad sad.

What is truly amazing about this is that there were people who looked at Scott Walker and thought, "yeah, he's presidential."

First Rick "The Glasses Make Me Look Smarter--Don't They?" Perry and now Scotty W.

Two weasels down...many more to go.

Pity the poor Koch Brothers. Their hand picked candidate couldn't keep his head above water in a nearly dry pond.

Who will they buy now?

In other news, it turns out "Free Mohammed Bobblehead Day" at Mecca wasn't such a good idea.

Go figure.

It's Nothing Personal. It's Just Business.

Remember old Joe Stalin?

Psychopathic murderer of millions--friend and foe alike?

Fred Koch's business partner? (look it up.)

Yes, the Koch Bros' daddy made a fortune doing business with Stalin Inc. aka the Soviet Union.

But hey, a bucks a buck! Am I right?

And as long as there are dollars to be made, it really doesn't matter how they are made.

Or with whom.

That is the reductio ad absurdum of capitalism.

Therefore, the Koch Brothers will pollute all the air and water they have to to extract every last ounce of oil or coal or minerals or whatever it is...

And why they would sell off our national parks to the highest bidders.

You might see these parks as an ongoing gift to all of us. Part of our common inheritance.

That's where you're wrong. You'll never get rich, certainly not Koch rich, with that kind of socialist thinking. What the national parks really are are under-performing assets. And every asset needs to be maximized.

Now, you might think that's crazy, but when you see every single thing on earth as a potential dollar to be made, it makes perfect sense.

This Space For Sale

Since, as they say at the Audubon Society, it's never too early to feather your own nest, I'd like to announce that my Republican presidential endorsement for 2016 is up for sale to the highest bidder.

And in keeping with the finest traditions of the Citizens United era of this great land of ours, I expect it to go for a pretty penny.

So, get out your checkbooks boys! Call all of your fave billionaires and get busy bribing me.

In the interest of full disclosure my endorsement doesn't include my vote. I wouldn't vote for any of you if you put a gun to my head. Jesus, what a bunch of pandering scum!

But still, if there's money to be made off this election, and there surely is, I want my share.

And I really don't care who it comes from: Shelly "King of the Jews" Adelson,  either Koch brother, one of those libertarian halfwits that Silicon Valley seems to crap out on a regular basis, or any other billionaire weasel trying to buy up our democracy.

I ain't particular.

All I ask is small bills and non-sequential serial numbers.

Thank You,

And God Bless America.

Another Brief Memo To The Republican Party About 2016

Another Bush?!  Rand Paul? Rick Perry? Scott Walker? Marco Rubio? Ted Cruz? Chris Christie? (Shudder)

Hey Guys! It's not your candidates, though face it, they are, almost without exception, loathsome, demi-humans.

It's your stupid shit, ante-bellum, anti-women, anti-gay, anti-minority, anti-workers, anti-sanity, anti-environment policies.

Now, don't get me wrong, I don't mention this because I care about the future of the Republican Party.

Fuck the Republican Party. Seriously.

No, I mention this because every single thing you do is just so aesthetically unpleasing. It harshes my mellow.

Anyway, I know you won't listen because, despite your overall awfulness, you'll still pull in the hillbilly, racist, homophobe, misogynist, free market, Ayn Rand, Luddite, Creationist, Bible thumpin', regressive, gun lovin', mouth breathing, brain dead, xenophobe dipshit vote.

You know, the Big Tent.

Plus, whatever the failings of your candidates, you can always count on handouts from the vile billionaire Koch brothers and their ilk, who collect and trade Republicans like kids with YuGiOh cards. To re-purpose an old Churchill (or perhaps GB Shaw) quote: "We've already determined what you are. Now we're just haggling about the price."

So hey, never mind. Keep up the good work!

Climate Change Doesn't Care Whether Or Not You Believe In It

So the Koch brothers and their buddies can buy up all of the Republicans (and, to be fair, a few Democrats, too).

And they can find a small handful of scientists to pay off. There are always people willing to say whatever they've been paid to say--however absurd.

Naturally, Fox News will be happy to repeat all of the lies and misinformation ad infinitum.

In the end, it won't matter.

Eventually we will reach a tipping point so obvious and so severe that even the typical "well informed" Republican voter will have to acknowledge it--or not. Doesn't really matter.

Because lies and dissembling are human inventions, nature remains unimpressed and unmoved by them.

So buckle up, it's going to be a bumpy flight.

Chances Are You're Not Going To Die From Ebola

Unless you're unfortunate enough to be stuck somewhere in West Africa, chances are you're not going to die from Ebola.

No, more likely you'll get shot by some Second Amendment nut who feels "threatened" by you.

Or you'll die from all the pollutants those free market, Ur-capitalists the Koch brothers and their ilk continue to spew into our air and water.

Or you'll get t-boned by some teenager driving and texting.

Or you'll eat too much fast food and fall over from a stroke or a heart attack.

Or, if you're a black male between the ages of, say, 6 and 86, maybe the cops will gun you down--just because they can.

Hey, you could always OD from prescription drugs! That's increasingly popular.

And, if you're female, I hear back alley abortions are making a big comeback in certain Red States. I guess that is the understandable Republican free market response to Obamacare.

Of course, there's always the "I didn't know it was loaded" and therefore it was a "tragic accident" that Bobby shot Billy, or Suzy, or Uncle Jeff, or Grandpa, or you, or, what the hell, himself.

Finally, if you're silly enough to listen to Fox News, your head just might explode from all the bullshit they pump out 24-7.

Hey, this is America, God Dammit! We've got plenty of ways to die before your time...

But chances are you're not going to die from Ebola.