You've followed him this far, so why not?
He's a traitor and a liar, a fool and a failure. A rapist, an adulterer, a racist and a conman. Everything he touches rots and dies. Quite possibly the most despicable human imaginable.*
But, dammit, he's your guy. And he needs you, desperately.
You think he's a genius. You think he's a great man. The greatest President ever! Right?
You've worked yourself into a religious frenzy at his rallies.
You wear the sacred MAGA hats.
Nothing and nobody is going to keep you from congregating with your fellow MAGAts.
That's what Freedom means!
You froth at the mouth already, so...
Do your patriotic duty and drink the fucking bleach.
Mainline some hydroxychloroquine.
Oh, and while you're at it, shove a very powerful flashlight up your ass, too.
What do you have to lose?
*(Actually, he's in a dead heat with Moscow Mitch McConnell)
Monday, April 27, 2020
Wednesday, April 15, 2020
Jaws 2020
Time for a Jaws' reboot!
Of course, we'll have to change a few things to appeal to today's audience.
So, instead of a killer shark, we'll have a killer virus.
And instead of a small resort community, Amity, we'll use the entire USA.
Finally, we have to replace the idiotic mayor, who put money ahead of the safety of his citizens.
I'm thinking an idiotic, egocentric President, who (spoiler alert) also puts money before the safety of his citizens and who finally responds to the crisis by spending his time bragging about his TV ratings while people are dying.
For comic relief, he surrounds himself with a couple of token smart people whom he completely ignores (hahaha) and a whole bunch of dumb people, including his daughter and bumbling son-in-law, who worship him. Dumb people who think they're smart are always funny!
The heroes will be those brave people who find themselves fighting both the virus and the idiots--sometimes without the aid of the proper equipment.
Don't know how it ends, but I smell a hit!
Of course, we'll have to change a few things to appeal to today's audience.
So, instead of a killer shark, we'll have a killer virus.
And instead of a small resort community, Amity, we'll use the entire USA.
Finally, we have to replace the idiotic mayor, who put money ahead of the safety of his citizens.
I'm thinking an idiotic, egocentric President, who (spoiler alert) also puts money before the safety of his citizens and who finally responds to the crisis by spending his time bragging about his TV ratings while people are dying.
For comic relief, he surrounds himself with a couple of token smart people whom he completely ignores (hahaha) and a whole bunch of dumb people, including his daughter and bumbling son-in-law, who worship him. Dumb people who think they're smart are always funny!
The heroes will be those brave people who find themselves fighting both the virus and the idiots--sometimes without the aid of the proper equipment.
Don't know how it ends, but I smell a hit!
Friday, April 10, 2020
God's Will
Listen up all of you fundamentalists.
Who are you going to trust?
A bunch of stupid so called "experts" and a bunch of godless scientists?
Or Jesus Christ and his number one chosen boy, Donald J. Trump?
Only a heathen would "stay at home" and follow some stupid social distancing guidelines designed to take away your right to congregate at the church of your choice.
Fuck that shit!
Rise up! Gather together in His name!
No virus is going to stop you! No siree!
No "laws of man" are going to stop you either!
Rub against each other. Writhe about on the floor. Sweat and shout in His name. Bunch together in holy piles. Those of you with snakes--and you know who you are--kiss those snakes!
And don't forget to bring a covered dish to share.
His might will protect you from some stupid virus.
And if it doesn't, well...that's God's Will, too. Right?
Jesus and Trump both want you to worship them. And none of that quiet, namby-pamby, stay at home worship, either.
No, they want, they demand, that all out, balls to the wall, hysterical caterwauling that you're just dying to deliver.
So get to it!
You've followed them this far, right?
Might as well follow them into the abyss.
Who are you going to trust?
A bunch of stupid so called "experts" and a bunch of godless scientists?
Or Jesus Christ and his number one chosen boy, Donald J. Trump?
Only a heathen would "stay at home" and follow some stupid social distancing guidelines designed to take away your right to congregate at the church of your choice.
Fuck that shit!
Rise up! Gather together in His name!
No virus is going to stop you! No siree!
No "laws of man" are going to stop you either!
Rub against each other. Writhe about on the floor. Sweat and shout in His name. Bunch together in holy piles. Those of you with snakes--and you know who you are--kiss those snakes!
And don't forget to bring a covered dish to share.
His might will protect you from some stupid virus.
And if it doesn't, well...that's God's Will, too. Right?
Jesus and Trump both want you to worship them. And none of that quiet, namby-pamby, stay at home worship, either.
No, they want, they demand, that all out, balls to the wall, hysterical caterwauling that you're just dying to deliver.
So get to it!
You've followed them this far, right?
Might as well follow them into the abyss.
Thursday, April 2, 2020
"Please Hold For The President..."
Keep your phones charged and handy, Trump supporters!
Apparently the overwhelming, all encompassing genius of Jared Kushner isn't enough.
And so, your Dear Leader may call and ask you for your advice about this latest Chinese Hoax, the coronavirus.
He's already reached out to noted epidemiologists, J-Lo and A-Rod, and you may be next!
Don't worry if you don't know a damn thing about viruses, epidemics, medicine, logistics, health care, or anything in general.
He doesn't either!
But, that's why you love him, isn't it? He's just as spectacularly uninformed as you are.
And that's why he needs you.
After all, it was the "low information voters", (with the help of the Russians, the media, voter suppression, and James Comey) that put him where he is in the first place.
And now he needs you to help save the Republic!
So put on those thinking caps!
The next call you get may be from you-know-who!
Apparently the overwhelming, all encompassing genius of Jared Kushner isn't enough.
And so, your Dear Leader may call and ask you for your advice about this latest Chinese Hoax, the coronavirus.
He's already reached out to noted epidemiologists, J-Lo and A-Rod, and you may be next!
Don't worry if you don't know a damn thing about viruses, epidemics, medicine, logistics, health care, or anything in general.
He doesn't either!
But, that's why you love him, isn't it? He's just as spectacularly uninformed as you are.
And that's why he needs you.
After all, it was the "low information voters", (with the help of the Russians, the media, voter suppression, and James Comey) that put him where he is in the first place.
And now he needs you to help save the Republic!
So put on those thinking caps!
The next call you get may be from you-know-who!
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