Thursday, October 29, 2015

Republican Debate Recap

To be honest with you--and hey, why not?--I didn't watch any of it.

Nope. Couldn't do it.

Life is way too short to waste even a moment of it on that kind of nonsense.

But from what I've heard and read from the various post mortems, Jeb! is dead and Rubio is rising!

To which I respond, who gives a shit?

They are, essentially, the same guy, with the same lame "ideas". The only difference is, one of them can take a punch and the other can't. Neither will be President.

No, the most important thing that came out of this particular debate is that the moderators apparently asked "unfair" questions!!!!

All the esteemed candidates whined about it, so it must be true.

Even Reince Priebus said so, and if you can't trust a guy with a name from a Pixar movie, who can you trust?

How rude of those CNBC bastards! Don't they know that these are essentially infomercials for a product?

And infomercials never delve too deeply.

It is enough that they say they will build a border wall and get Mexico to pay for it, deport 11 million people, replace Obamacare with something better, make the tax system fair for all, reduce the size of the government, save Social Security and Medicare, restore order to the Middle East by starting another war, make Putin respect, nay fear, the United States, put a chicken or two in every pot and an assault rifle in every closet, create jobs, keep the darkies in line, and return us to the Utopia America that was stolen by the evil socialist liberals, all this while cutting taxes for the wealthy.

Only a miserable cur would dare to ask "how will you do these things?"

That sort of "gotcha" question is simply not fair. Where are their manners? For one thing, it is the height of elitism to confront a fool with his foolishness. For another, it interrupts the flow of the pointless soundbites.

Besides, we all know that reality has a noted liberal bias. So away with it.

No, arrogant East Coast media smarty pants, you'll just have to trust the candidates.

And have a little faith that they do indeed have wonderful, in some cases even yoooge and sparkly, solutions to all of our problems!

After all, why would they lie to us?

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Signor Baseball's World Series Preview

Boy, I sure didn't see this one coming.

Royals vs Mets?

OK. Maybe the Royals aren't that surprising, although they surprised me. After the Blue Jays went all Evil Empire lite, grabbed a couple of primo free agents, and started scoring runs like a beer league softball team, I figured they would be AL champs.

And the Royals beat them.

But the Mets?

Four young starters, three with Tommy John surgeries already under their belts, David Wright not all the way back to being David Wright again, a second baseman who makes routine plays into adventures, an untested closer, and a patchwork outfield didn't inspire a lot of confidence.

This is why some of us love the game of baseball. Because you never know.

Daniel Murphy can turn into Babe Ruth, if only briefly...

So, who's going to win?

Kansas City has no obvious weaknesses, can run, have superior fielding and a great bullpen.  And whatever seemingly "odd" choices Ned Yost makes usually work out. The Royals look like the better all around team. Plus, they've "been there before", for what it's worth.

Still, the Met starting pitchers are very impressive. Never bet against pitching like that. In 1963 a Yankee team with Mantle, Maris, Berra, Skowron, Pepitone, Tresh and Richardson was swept by a weaker Dodger lineup. The Dodgers just happened to have a couple of guys named Koufax and Drysdale pitching for them. And in 1969, a Baltimore team that won 109 games, lost to an inferior Mets team which had, for a week at least, stronger starting pitching.

If their pitchers perform the way they did in the NL playoffs, I can imagine the Mets sweeping the Royals, and I can't imagine the Royals sweeping the Mets under any circumstances.

So, if I were a gambler, I'd have to take the 6.

Unless all those young guys suddenly realize what they've been able to do the last couple of weeks and completely freak-out.

Thursday, October 22, 2015

They Told Us You Were The Smart One

That's right, Jeb.

Or should I say Jeb! ?

All this time, all these years, we've heard W may be an idiot--but he's our idiot, dammit--and anyway, his lil bro Jebster is the smart one.

Just wait until Jeb runs! Then you'll see!

The heavens will part...the birds will sing...and all will be right with the world...

So hey, Jebbie is running...and it turns out he's just as smart as his brother! And not an ounce smarter.

Gee, do you think it's genetic?

I mean, does that sort of thing run in families?

Jebra has already been rolled, repeatedly by the Trumpster.

In fact, he seems scared of Donald J.

He's defended his idiot brother's foreign policy, uh, accomplishments, against all available evidence.

And as to his own accomplishments as Governor of Florida, you all, on closer inspection they aren't exactly stellar. Just more of the same steal from the poor to help the rich Republican crap that we've come to know and love.

The Smart One! is currently polling behind El Trumpo The Magnificent and a brain surgeon who is in all other aspects a fool. And just slightly ahead of a failed businesswoman who was paid a small fortune by her former employers to go far, far away.

Now, to be fair, Jebber Jabber did manage to help steal the 2000 election for W...and that ought to count for something...

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Ignorance Is Their Brand

I recently read an article that said  "the GOP risked looking ignorant" on something or other.

China, maybe.



Wake up man, ignorance has been the GOP's brand for a long time.

Look at Trump, for Christ's sake. All those hideous mouthbreathers that applaud him and roar with delight at his every blustery, inane word.

Or Carly Baby. Jesus, just take the money H-P gave you to go away and, you know, GO AWAY!

And let's not even start with Dr. Ben "I Couldn't Really Be This Stupid, Could I?" Carson. (I would have also accepted Dr. Ben "If Only Those Jews Had Been Armed, The Holocaust Would Have Never Happened!" Carson.)

If you ask me, at this point, mere ignorance would be a compliment.

No, chief, that's profound all-encompassing ignorance, mixed in with a large dose of stupid, blind hatred.

And that's the GOP party--and base--in a nutshell.

To pretend that it isn't?

Now that's ignorance.

Friday, October 9, 2015

WWJP (What Would Jesus Pack?)

This is America, circa 2015.

Gotta be packin' these days, baby.

Otherwise you're a pussy, just beggin' to be gunned down.

Ask Dr. Ben "Superior Hand To Eye Coordination Is Not Necessarily A Sign Of Intelligence" Carson. He knows!

Now, I figure with the flowing robes and all, the J man would have a lot of options.

Sawed off 12 gauge. AR-15. A couple of Uzis. And you just know he's a got a Glock in there somewhere.

Maybe go old school and get his hands on a Thompson!

Oh, what, those are still illegal?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

We're talking about the Son Of God, bitch! He can strap on whatever he likes!

The Second Amendment, and Wayne LaPierre, say so.

America--Fuck yeah!

Wednesday, October 7, 2015

The Big Tent

You can't say the Republicans aren't the party of diversity.

Right now they've got a black fool, a female fool, two Hispanic fools, a bunch of white male fools, probably including a closeted gay fool, all running for President of these here United States.

Take your pick!

Go on, choose.

But be prepared to hear science denied, every minority offended, lies about their business accomplishments, immigrants demonized, war and more war promoted, the disenfranchisement of millions of people applauded, the prospect of healthcare being taken away from millions more equally applauded, the despised poor ground beneath their boots, the incessant meddling in women's personal lives, and the non stop worship of the almighty gun.

You know, the family values, take our country back, stuff the GOP is so fond of.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

On The Efficacy Of Prayer

Another school shooting?

Ho hum.

Nothing can be done.

They're sort of like an Act of God, you know?


Did I say nothing?

That's not entirely true. All of those Second Amendment worshiping, NRA bought and paid for gun lovers in our blessed Congress will pray for the victims.

It's the least they can do. Literally.

I remember something a cousin of mine said when her step father was on his death bed: "We prayed and we prayed and we prayed for him..."

And he still died. Oh well.

By now, it should be obvious to everyone but the dullest among us that when you pray you are only talking to yourself.

So when you pray for the victims and their families after the next "unpreventable" gun tragedy in our best of all possible countries, which will happen any minute now, you should ask yourself when you're going to wise up and do something substantive about it.