Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Another Open Letter From God Himself To Willard Mitt Romney

Dear Mitt,

Hey Mr. 41%, you know I don't answer prayers, right? I think by now that should be obvious to everyone.

Most of what happens just happens, and Life goes stop begging. It's unseemly.

Mitt, we all have burdens in life. Things we have to overcome. That's what makes it interesting. But Rick Santorum? Really? Really?! Take a good look at him; now take a good look at yourself. Now tell me why on earth are we still talking about him? The man is batshit crazy, Mitt. That cat has more ethical and intellectual shortcomings than the Arizona Legislature! You are running against a moron and you can't take him down! After a year of this crap, almost 60% of your party still prefers Anyone But Mitt. If it weren't so funny it would be kinda sad.

It's been a gas, though, watching you stumble around the country, saying the most inane, bizarre, and totally inappropriate things. "The trees in Michigan are just the right height." What does that even mean? Trees are growing all the time, numb nuts. That's what they do. You can look it up. Dude, to be blunt, you are one of the biggest fuck-ups I've ever seen! And trust me, I've seen a lot of weird, weird, shit in my time. The ancient Egyptians alone would fill a library. I'm omniscient and I still haven't figured out where they got some of that stuff...

But it's the 21st Century, for Christ's sake, and I thought you guys had evolved a little bit. Guess I was wrong.

So, long story short, no Mitt, I can't help you. Like Prince says, "in this life you're on your own." Here's a thought: Maybe you should try another line of work. Because you're obviously not very good at this one. However, if it's any consolation, everybody up here does find you endlessly entertaining. And that ought to count for something.

Peace, etc


PS Do you know anyone than can get me Springsteen tickets?

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Watch What You Step In

Memo to our Republican friends:

Once you take the stopper out of the Crazy Bottle, it's really hard to put it back in again...

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Devil Made Me Do It!

For those of you who believe in fairy tales, Rick Santorum is the perfect candidate. He is sure that Satan walks amongst us. That this sort of childish, boogeyman nonsense would still be a politically viable stance for anyone in the 21st Century is breathtaking. Stupidity is apparently the strongest American growth industry. If only we could export it...

Where are H.L. Mencken and Mark Twain when we really need them? For that matter, imagine what George Carlin could do with this fertile field of madness. Alas...

There is no doubt that men are capable of great evil. History is replete with it--much of it sanctioned by the Catholic Church, by the way. But let's not point fingers.

If you want to think that the Devil, Old Nick, Lucifer, or whichever of his many names you prefer, is behind it, you are free to do so. If you want to think that, as Santorum has declared, "this is a spiritual war, and 'the father of lies'...has his sights on the USA...Satan is attacking the great institutions of America, using those great vices of pride, vanity and sensuality as the root to attack the American tradition" you are also free to do so.

But please don't be surprised if the rest of us think that you're just a little bit crazy.

(Incidentally, doesn't Santorum sort of make it sound like the Kardashians are in league with Satan? Wow! Wouldn't that be something?)

Geraldine, Flip Wilson's female avatar, was fond of saying, "The Devil made me do it!" We all laughed because we knew that it was a comedy bit. Little did we know that a generation later it would become a major plank in the platform of one potential Republican Presidential candidate...

Friday, February 24, 2012

This Joke Is Getting Old

The GOP circus rolled into town the other night and all it left was a big, stinking, pile of elephant dung...

As expected, the circus brought the usual collection of freaks, fools, and phonies. Also, as expected, the crowd ate it up.

It's an old show biz axiom: Give 'em what they want and the audience will come out.

In this case "they" must want a party that openly hates women, minorities, young people, old people, poor people, working people, sick people, in short anyone who isn't rich, white and the right kind Christian.

A party that would do away with every Federal agency and every regulation that protects us from the avarice of corporations, in the apparent belief that Caveat Emptor should be the 11th commandment.

A party that would allow our air, water, and soil to be despoiled in the name of profit.

A party that would do away with every advance that working people have made in the last century. Minimum wage? Gone. Child labor laws? Gone. Unions? Gone. OSHA? Gone.

A party that doesn't trust women to have control over their own bodies.

A party that loves the fetus more than the child. Once you're born you're on your own--so pick your parents wisely.

A party that would entrust Social Security to the very people that looted our Treasury.

A party that thinks if you can't afford health insurance, and you get sick, you should do us all a favor and just die.

A party that is itching to go to war with Iran--because it would rather do Israel's bidding than our own.

I could go on and on...but this joke is getting old.

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Baboo, You One Sexy Hombre!

If you tried to peddle the goings on of Arizona's elected officials as a work of fiction no one would buy it. They would say, "sorry, but that couldn't possibly happen." But happen it does, again, and again, and again.

The latest example of this is the strange tale of Paul Babeu, Sheriff of Pinal County. Babeu has been at the forefront of the "build the dang fence to protect us from the rampaging gangs of illegal immigrants that threaten our very way of life" movement that has hijacked what passes for government in the Grand Canyon State.

While doing this, and using his newly minted fame to plan a run for the U.S. Congress, Babeu has also been, allegedly, first carrying on an affair with a Mexican national, and then, also allegedly, after ending the relationship, threatening to have said Mexican national deported if he, that's right, he raised a stink.

The story, which first appeared on The New Times website, is accompanied by photos of Babeu and "Jose" in a "friendly" embrace and Babeu solo, sans shirt, "advertising", as they say.

Sheriff Babeu, naturally, denies that anyone threatened anyone with anything, while refusing to talk about his private life. This morning he revealed that he was indeed gay. Well, duh!

Now, the problem isn't that Babeu is gay. Some folks are. As far as I'm concerned, they were born that way. And they should have all the rights of any other citizen. End of story.

No, the problem is that he allegedly used his position to threaten someone. This is shaping up as a classic "he said, he said" situation. And somebody is lying. Maybe it's "Jose", maybe it's Babeu.

But even larger issues are the social and moral positions staked out by the political party Paul Babeu proudly represents.

I suppose by now we should be used to closeted gay Republicans. After all, there are so many of them. Why they choose to remain members of a party that does its best to stigmatize, ostracize and demonize them is apparently one of those unanswerable questions we sometimes encounter in life...As they say, the heart has its reasons that reason does not know. In some ways it's similar to the indisputable fact that the red states, which consistently take more from the Federal government in aid than they pay in in taxes, also consistently hate the meddling Federal government. Without which many of them would be reduced to destitution and possibly cannibalism. Cognitive dissonance I think they call it.

As you read this, somewhere deep in the bowels of Hell Ann Coulter is probably formulating an "our gays are better than their gays" justification. Who knows, maybe some people are happier being second class citizens. And the Republican Party welcomes them with open arms.

As this episode of As Arizona Turns plays itself out, no doubt very messily, the rest of us can just shrug and say, yet again, "it's the hypocrisy, stupid."

Friday, February 17, 2012

It just keeps getting more strange...

After all, who better to discuss contraception than a group of old, white religious males without a female in sight?

On the same topic, why are the people who are so opposed to abortion also so opposed to contraception? Sometimes the idiotic contradictory positions people take based on religion makes me wonder what the fuck is wrong with them.

Let's see -- contraception=fewer unwanted children, therefore fewer abortions. Can someone explain this to me?

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Will No One Rid Me Of These Meddlesome Priests?

I really don't care even a little bit about your religion. As far as I'm concerned it's a private thing between you and whatever you assume God to be--or not to be. Paint yourself blue and howl like a monkey. Handle poisonous snakes while you speak in tongues. Whatever. Just don't come riding up to my house and try and "convert" me. OK?

And stay out of the public schools, too. They have enough trouble teaching real science without adding in that "creationism" bullshit. Do us all a favor and keep your particular delusions to yourself (and those who share them with you). Then put on your sacred underwear, pass out the hymnals, and sacrifice all the goats you want...

Which brings me, naturally, to Rick Santorum. Up until now, I've ignored him in the obviously mistaken belief that even an institution as decadent as the Republican Party wouldn't be unstable enough to seriously consider him as a Presidential candidate.

But no. Like an ADHD kid who's misplaced his ritalin, the Republicans can't seem to concentrate long enough on any one candidate. Oh sure, they all distrust Willard Mitt Romney--that's a given. But for an alternative? "Uh, Michele--no, Rick Perry--no, Herman Cain--no, Newt--no, uh, what was the question again?"

If they were still capable of shame they would all be ashamed by now...But, of course, they aren't. "Shame" disappeared as a concept in Republican circles many years ago. They have no use for it. No, what they have is a searing hatred of Barack Obama. They are in fact blinded by it. And so it is Rick Santorum's turn.

In addition to the usual mix of "free-market", "cut taxes", "end entitlements", "bomb Iran" conservative blather, Santorum has some interesting "ideas" about morality...and women. The key "idea" seems to be that women are essentially chattel. Oh sure, he "cherishes" them, and he wants to "protect" them--just like you'd protect a valuable piece of property. But however valued they might be, they certainly can't be trusted with control over their own bodies and health. No, sorry little lady, but that's for the menfolk to decide. You are the weaker vessel, after all...

Santorum's "ideas" seem to especially appeal to the hierarchy of the Catholic Church (motto: "Trying to bring back the Dark Ages since the Dark Ages ended"). To my non-Catholic eyes, this hierarchy is a sorry, backward, agglomeration of cross dressers and pedophiles adrift in the modern world. But no matter. They still hold sway over millions of people and billions of dollars. And they like-y Ricky!! And why not? He's a Catholic.

Of course once sane people of any faith (and let's pray they are still in the majority or at least the plurality) begin to pay close attention to Rick Santorum's "ideas", he will quickly disappear as a viable candidate. Then again, maybe viability isn't what the Republicans are looking for this time...If it's a Holy "Take Back Our Country" Crusade they want, they might need the craziest guy they can find to lead it.

In any case, Rick Santorum has a bright future. I'm sure there's a weekend time-slot on Fox News waiting for him. He'll fit right in...

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Two Bricks Shy Of A Load

Rick "And You Thought Michele Bachmann Was Crazy" Santorum, R-Dark Ages, says the Republican presidential primary contest is a "two man race."

Now, if they could just find two men...

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Starring Ron Gould As The Rifleman

Arizona being what it is, our esteemed legislature, led by Ron Gould, R-Gun Lobby, is doing its damnedest to allow guns, rifles, bazookas, etc on our college and university campuses. Because anything less would be an infringement on our 2nd Amendment rights.

And there's nothing that pisses a hillbilly off more than having his 2nd Amendment rights trampled on by anyone.

(Unless it's something to do with Mexicans...that really pisses them off, too. So you can't say that our desert hillbillies don't have a variety of interests.)

There should be something somewhere in the Constitution about having our lives endangered by letting a bunch of gun lovin', half wits run roughshod over the rights of everyone else, but apparently there isn't...

(And God bless the NRA for making sure that no one ever reads the first part of the 2nd Amendment.)

Anyway, Ron Gould, R-Wild West, wants to make sure that every student on every campus of higher education in Arizona can be free to pack whatever caliber weapon he or she can afford.

Because there's no one more emotionally stable than your typical college kid. In between bouts of binge drinking, that is. So why shouldn't they have the capability of protecting themselves with lethal force from every threat, real or imagined? I mean, you just never know when a Mexican drug cartel is going to roll into fraternity row and start lopping off heads, do you? No, you do not.

Ron Gould, R-Smith and Wesson, must live his life in perpetual fear of being bushwacked. Gould, who represents one of those sad, backward little towns that border the Colorado river, where the mindset is still trapped in the 80's--that is the 1880's--probably takes his 12 gauge and a copy of the John Birch Society newsletter to the outhouse every morning. There he sits, ready for anything, waiting for nature to take its course.

Then he and the missus, (if there is a missus--did I mention Gould sports an "homage to Ben Turpin" mustache? Sweet!), and their brood of--no doubt--home schooled 'young-uns' take the buggy into the general store for provisions and such. All of them armed to the teeth, and constantly looking over their shoulders--because you never know. Might be Injuns! Might be revenuers! Might be that Obama come after Grandma with a death panel! Be afraid. Be very, very afraid!

Should this legislation be signed into law, it will do wonders to the out of state enrollment figures for ASU, NAU, and UofA. Because what concerned parent wouldn't want his son or daughter to have the right to carry a weapon on campus? I tell you, it's a game changer! Who says Arizona doesn't care about education?!

Our universities will never be known as the Harvards of the West. But God willing they have a shot at being the next Virginia Tech...

Monday, February 6, 2012

Mitt Mania!

Remember when the Beatles arrived in early 1964 and everybody went nuts? The girls were screaming and fainting all over the place and about a million guys were inspired to start bands?

Well, it's not like that.

Remember those old newsreels of Lindbergh landing in Paris? It's night time and all you can see is an ocean of happy, cheering people surrounding his plane?

Well, it's not like that either.

How about when the astronauts had ticker tape parades down the canyon of heroes in NYC?


Mitt Mania is slightly more subdued. There's a palpable feeling of sadness and resignation in the air. Like going to a funeral. Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, Mitt is the nominee.

If the Republican Party hadn't spent the last 32 years systematically destroying our nation, and the last 3 attempting to destroy one man--whatever the cost--I might feel a certain amount of pity for them.

But they have, so I don't. No, he's your boy Republicans! Enjoy the ride...

You deserve him.

Friday, February 3, 2012

Compassionate Conservatism In A Nutshell

"I'm not concerned about the very poor..."

--Willard Mitt Romney, presumptive nominee of the Republican Party, 2012

Romney went on to explain that the poor have a"safety net" to protect them...

Uh, hey Mitt, would that be the same "safety net" that Republicans spend their every waking hour trying to dismantle?

You know, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, unemployment insurance, and all of those other "socialist" programs.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

"Do As I Say, Not As I Do"

That ur-Republican, Thomas Jefferson, once called slavery, "an abominable crime."

But that didn't stop him from owning slaves...

What it did do is create the rhetorical template for today's Republican Party: "Do as I say, not as I do."

It has been endlessly entertaining watching Mitt Gingrich and Newt Romney--they are in many ways interchangeable--distance themselves from almost everything they've ever done politically.

Mitt made most of his considerable fortune stripping companies down to their bare bones and selling the remains, and Newt made his fortune, tiny though it may be in comparison to Romney's, as a lobbyist.

Yet today, neither is willing to admit it. Mitt swears he was not a vulture capitalist, he was a "jobs creator." And Newt swears he was paid not for his insider access but for his knowledge as a "historian."

Willard Mitt Romney was the somewhat moderate governor of a somewhat liberal state. He was able to pass a universal healthcare program that in many ways was the blueprint for Obamacare. This was his only notable achievement as governor--and it was a worthy one. He apparently spent the remainder of his time in office planning his first run for the Presidency. Naturally, things being what they are these days in Tea Party Republican circles, he has spent this entire campaign cycle distancing himself from his sole achievement.

Gingrich is one of the founding fathers of a particularly virulent kind of negative campaigning, the kind that demonizes your opponent as "Un-American, dangerous, a traitor", etc etc etc, ad nauseam. Of course, he screams bloody murder when the same tactics are used against him. His two noteworthy achievements as Speaker of the House were shutting down the government and impeaching President Clinton. In the first instance, Clinton played him like a cheap fiddle and turned the whole debacle into a victory for the Democrats. In the second Gingrich ran the impeachment proceedings while he was having an adulterous affair with a staffer. He knew he never had the votes in the Senate for his trumped up charges, this was purely an attempt to hamstring the President. Once again he failed, his party turned on him, and he left the Congress in disgrace. Since then he has been nothing more or less than a lobbyist. He is paid for the access he provides, for the doors he can open. There is no one more "inside" Washington than Newt Gingrich. Naturally, he is running as an "outsider" touting his populism, promising a campaign based on "people power".

Welcome to the Republican Party circa 2012. Up is down, black is white, and always, always,

"Do as I say, not as I do."