The Republican Playbook

1. Get elected any way you can. 

Lie cheat steal. It's all good if it gets you elected. 

Take money from any corporation, billionaire, or foreign state that offers it. It all spends the same.

Blow that racist dog whistle. Blow hard! All of those people who say, "I'm not a racist, but..." will appreciate your efforts.

Make up shit about voter fraud. Smart people realize that it is so infrequent and so statistically insignificant that it can barely be measured. But our base isn't smart, so...knock yourself out!

To attract independents, make up some bullshit about inflation, or baby formula, or Afghanistan, or somebody's laptop. Is Benghazi still a thing? Please, please, please let it be!

Whatever deviance you practice, claim your opponent practices it first. 

Do whatever you can to keep people of color from voting. Same thing applies to young people of all ethnicities.

Remember, rampant hypocrisy is a feature--not a bug. 

2. Once in office:

Continue spreading all the garbage that got you elected. You now have a pulpit. Use it!

You have one job: and that is to help the richest people get richer. Know which side your bread is buttered on, for Christ's sake.

After all, poor people are a drag. They need things. You know, food, education, affordable housing, health care they can afford. And, on top of all of that, well, let's call it what it is, BEGGING, they don't have any money to help your campaign.

STOP anything that might be good for the majority of Americans. Sane gun control, universal health care, higher minimum wage, etc etc etc. Repeat after me, You Are Not There To Help The People Who Need It. That's socialism, after all.

And always remember this: We are all good Christians--and they're not.

Sadly, despite your best efforts, and all that Koch and NRA and foreign money, ultimately you may lose re-election. So make sure that you've fucked up so many things, so thoroughly, that the Democrat who replaces you will have a mountain of things to fix.

3. Then, and this is the really fun part, start complaining as often and as loudly as possible, that they haven't fixed everything fast enough.

Benghazi, Ergo Benghazi

So we had a focus group come in and tell us how to get more hits on the old blog. Because frankly, just between you and me, it's been a bit stagnant.

There were snacks, and charts and graphs, and a heartfelt Q&A.

And what we decided was that we had to start focusing on things that really matter to people.

Now personally, I couldn't care less about this whole Benghazi "thing." I mean, sure, it was very sad. Dead people are sad.

And dead Americans are the saddest of all dead people. In fact, 1 dead American is sadder than a million dead anything else. Am I right?

But somehow these 4 dead Americans in Benghazi are even sadder still. Much sadder than the 3000 plus who died on 9-11.

And the 4000 plus who have died in Iraq and Afghanistan.

Because these 4 died while Obama was president!

And it was his fault. It must have been his fault. Oh, yeah, his and Hillary's. Can't forget her! Why else would the great minds of the GOP be rolling around in it like pigs in shit, if it wasn't their fault?

Couldn't be because Darrell Issa's IRS "scandal" isn't working out for them. Couldn't be because the more people learn about Obamacare, the happier they are with it. Couldn't be because the Republicans don't have any ideas about making the country a better, more just, safer, and healthier place. No, all of their ideas produce exactly the opposite effect.

And it certainly couldn't be because all of the Republican 2016 presidential candidates are laughably flawed in ways that should be obvious to all but the most obtuse "undecided" voters.

Still...we have to be realistic about these things.

Bottom line is: We need more hits.

So...BENGHAZI!

(To be honest, regarding Benghazi, I am kind of interested in that CIA station just down the road from the consulate...but that's not what they're going to be focusing on, is it? Didn't think so.)

Yes, They Really Are That Crazy

I hope that you are enjoying the Holiday season.

Please feel free to over eat, over drink, over spend, watch the TV, see all the presumptive Oscar "contenders", read a good book or two, rest and reflect. If you have to, spend time with your families.

But brace yourselves, 'cause as soon as the new year hits, the budget madness in DC will resume. Teddie C. and the Nihilists will be rockin' the Ayn Rand songbook! There is bound to be another threat of a debt ceiling and/or budget government shutdown. And another vote to kill the ACA. And more crap about Benghazi. And, what the hell, how about another run at the President's birth certificate?

When I think about the Tea Party, I'm reminded of my grade school days. I went to what, in retrospect, must have been a 'progressive' public school--well for Arizona anyway. Or maybe it was just a dumping ground...

Anyway, when I was in the 7th and 8th grade, "about the time of the Punic Wars", my school started mainstreaming what we called at that less sensitive time the "mentally retarded."

And I was one of the students chosen to help with the process. So I ended up tutoring in math or science or English or whatever, as we attempted to integrate the "mentally unfortunate" (that's a little more sensitive, isn't it?) into the general student body.

I guess it worked, at least a little.

The bottom line is, we helped them as much as we could. But however much progress they made, we did not let them run the school.

As George Carlin once said, "hire the handicapped, but don't let them take your rectal temperature."

Or hamstring your government.

Hey, Whatever Happened To...

Hey, whatever happened to Benghazi?

This was going to be the scandal that brought down the Obama administration. Or prevented the Hillary Clinton administration. Or both!

Darrell Issa, super patriot, self-made multimillionaire, blah blah blah, was going to get to the bottom of "the cover-up". Remember? It was worse than Watergate! The worse scandal ever, etc etc. The Republicans were licking their collective chops, with both John "Maverick Is My Name" McCain, and his BFF, Lindsey "Belle of the South" Graham howling from the rooftops.

Then it turned out that the Republicans had gutted the State Department budget--including security--and maybe, just maybe, Benghazi was a CIA outpost. And you know how them foreigners love the CIA. Hmmm.

Hey, whatever happened to the IRS scandal?

This was going to be the scandal that brought down the Obama administration.  Worse than Watergate, etc etc.

Darrell Issa was going to blow the roof of it, expose the seamy inner workings of a corrupt President and his corrupt minions. Corruption!

Turns out the IRS is underfunded, understaffed, and swamped with requests for 501 c4 status from both left and right leaning groups. So the Tea Party wasn't being singled out for persecution after all. Hmmm.

It also turns out that Darrell Issa is kinda like one of his car alarms. Loud, repetitive, and ultimately an empty annoyance.

OK, but what about the NSA scandal! Surely this will bring down Obama...won't it?

But wasn't the Patriot Act pushed through by the Bush administration and a panicky Congress in the aftermath of 9-11? And, with all apologies to Edward Snowden, haven't people (at least those paying attention) known for years that the NSA--and our other intelligence agencies--gather massive amounts of information. On everyone, everywhere. Hmmm.

Now, we can and should have an open and informed discussion about whether this is the sort of thing that an allegedly "free" society should engage in. And how to best protect our right to privacy while still protecting the nation's security. But to pretend that this behavior is somehow unique to the Obama Administration is the sort of half-baked palaver that, well, people like Darrell Issa indulge in.

No, when the history of the Obama years is written, the biggest scandal will be how the Republican Party was held hostage by reactionary extremists, funded by a handful of greedy billionaires, and in return, how they held a country's future hostage because of their intense hatred of one man.

Now that's scandalous.