Iowa? Really?

You have to keep one thing in mind as you watch the ubiquitous coverage of those salt of the earth Iowans shuffling off to the grange to cast their God given votes for the Republican Tea Party worthy of their choice.

The poor dirt farmers of the Hawkeye State have suffered through years, it seems, of first Paul, then Bachmann, then Perry, then Cain, then Gingrich, then Paul again, then Santorum, and always the multiple faces, Past Present and Future, of Willard Mitt Romney, each doing their own ethical limbo.

They watched in awe as each one bent lower and lower backwards in decrying the meddling big government forced on us all by everybody's favorite Kenyan anti-Colonial Socialist, Barack Hussein Obama.

Solemn, heartfelt promises were made, and if they were all kept, in some imaginary Republican Never Never Land, there would be no goddamned government telling us what to do! No EPA, no FDA, no IRS, no Departments of Education, Commerce, or Energy, no FEMA, and especially NO, absolutely NO Obamacare!

Every attack on the pernicious nature of the federal government was rewarded with grunts of approval, fervent "yeahs!", and sometimes even applause from the good burghers.

Oh, it's been nothing but fun, watching the candidates twist and turn, leap frogging each other in a race to the bottom of the barrel. But now it's time to get down to the real nut crackin'. Time for a little old fashioned small "d" democracy in action! Time to choose your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse!

However, before we get to that, here's the one thing you have to keep in mind: these proudly self-sufficient Iowa Republicans get to share well over a billion dollars a year in federal farming subsidies--and have for many, many years.

They hate the big, nasty federal government...except when it's helping them.

Of course, Iowa is only the first step. Win or lose, it's on to New Hampshire, where the tough, independent, "just leave us alone" Republicans of the Granite State no doubt also hate the big, nasty federal government--until they need it. Then down to South Carolina, y'all, where they're still fighting the Civil War.

It may seem like this party has been going on for far too long, but trust me, the fun is just beginning...

The $60,000 Question

What kind of moron(s) would pay Newt "I'm Not A Lobbyist, I'm a Historian" Gingrich $60,000 to talk about anything?

Furthermore, what kind of morons would then pay the first moron to sit and listen to Newt "Some Moron Just Paid Me $60,000 To Talk to You Morons" Gingrich?

And so the 2012 Tea Party Republican presidential talent show has a new flavor of the month. Of course, he's not "new" and the flavor is putrid, but still...

What the hell is going on here?

Apparently poor Willard Mitt "The Human Weather Vane" Romney is so hated by the Tea Party Republican base that they are willing to grasp at any straw, no matter how covered with manure it may be, to avoid embracing him.

Bachmann, Perry, Cain, and now Newt. A veritable murderer's row of skanky sleaze--yet all in their own way preferable to Willard Mitt "I Create Jobs By Firing People--Ask Me How!" Romney.

Now, how do you suppose that makes Willard Mitt "Just Tell Me What You Want Me To Be And I'll Be It**" Romney feel?

**(Does that make Willard Mitt sound kind of like a whore? The difference is that whores, even cheap ones, at least supply a service.)

Goon Squad

This was going to be a post that examined the timely question: Why do Republicans lie so much?

Is it genetic? Or is it the loving, "family values" based nurturing they all receive?

Is it an inherent part of their profound religious beliefs? Or is it just the easiest way to a big payday from Fox News?

Or could it be that they've gotten away with it for so long, since Reagan at least, that they simply don't recognize the truth anymore? Hmmm.

Clearly these are all questions that deserve long and intense study. But today is my birthday and frankly I just don't have the time for that sort of thing. So instead I'll analyze the 2012 Republican Tea Party presidential candidates.

It occurs to me that what we are really witnessing is a race to see who can be the biggest asshole.

I mean, Christ, look at them! Cain and Bachmann and Willard Mitt and Ricky, and the human cipher, Rick Santorum. And let's not forget Ron Paul--although everyone else has. A day does not pass without at least one of them saying something that is either a bold faced lie, completely inane, clinically insane, or some combination thereof.

I know what you're thinking. "Gosh Mr. Franklin, how can we choose just one?!"

Fortunately there is one candidate whose "assholiness" transcends all the rest. A candidate whose major accomplishment while an elected member of government was shutting down the government, a candidate who made millions of dollars as a lobbyist--and yet insists that he never lobbied anyone, a candidate who calls President Obama an "elitist" while maintaining his own $500,000 credit line at Tiffany's, a candidate with a dime store brain who fancies himself an "intellectual", a candidate who recently floated the idea of doing away with child labor laws, and a candidate who is a known adulterer and yet preaches family values. All this in one person? You betcha!

The list of his credentials is long, but time is short...

Maybe someday scientists will discover a lower form of life than Newt Gingrich, but for the time being we just don't have the technology. As our Spanish friends might say, "Quien es mas de un asshole? Newt es mas de un asshole!"

The Perry Diaries (part 2)

Dear Diary,
Newt Gingrich? Really?

Dear Diary,
That Cain guy makes a lot of sense. Especially about Libya and them other foreign places.

Dear Diary,
Putting all that politics stuff aside for a second, that Willard Mitt guy is one handsome sumbitch. I mean it's not like I'm gay or anything, but if I were...

Dear Diary,
I mean, come on now, Newt Gingrich!?

Dear Diary,
You know, I'm not sure I even wanta be President anymore. It seems like a lot of work and knowing a bunch a stuff, and hell I really kind of like bein' governor. You get to meet a lot of nice folks in suits and ties who give you lotsa money. And even better, you get to hand out justice, swift and sweet. Just like Jehovah or that Wyatt Earp guy. Whatever happened to Hugh O'Brian?

The Perry Diaries

Dear Diary,
That's it! No more debating for this cowboy. All them words, and rememberin' stuff, and thinkin' and, well, no way Jose as we say in Texas.

Besides, the American people don't want a President that thinks too much. At least the ones that would vote for me don't. I mean look at old Reagan. Hell, he didn't think at all! And they loved him.

If'n you want a lot of thinkin', hell, you must be a Democrat anyway. No, my kind of voters want action, not thought. Enough talkin', I need to get back to doin' what I do best: executin' folks and takin' big checks from corporations. A "Man of Action", that's what I am. Shit howdy!

Dear Diary,
Why don't people like me more? Hell, I'm smarter than W. and better lookin' too. And he was elected President twice. Sort of. Jesus, my wife's better lookin' than old what's her name, too. Why don't Karl Rove like me? I didn't nickname him Turd Blossom. But I gotta admit it suits him to a "T".

Dear Diary,
What's the deal with that colored guy? No, not him, that other one. Cain. And what's all this "9-9-9" crap? Hell, even at A&M we learned enough math to laugh at that horseshit. And yet he's ahead of me in the polls! What's wrong with folks?

I didn't mean nothin' bad with that Nig, uh, "N-word head" stuff. Hell, it's just a place for guys to let off a little steam, drink a few beers, and shoot things. Some people are just too damn sensitive, if you ask me. Always lookin' for race in everything. Jesus! Anyway, I was gonna paint over that sign years ago, but my Mexicans never got around to it. You know how it is with them, "Manana, manana, Senor Rick."

Dear Diary
I miss Sarah Palin. People said she was dumb, but she always made a lot of sense to me. Easy on the eyes, too. Down boy! And anyway, what's more important, lookin' good or thinkin' good? I know the answer to that one!

That Bachmann gal's a pretty nice lookin' lady, too. And her husband seems like a real sweet fella. Sensitive and all. Good dancer, too. What's his name again? Maurice? Somethin' like that. Those Northern guys, I don't know, there's somethin' about 'em. Can't put my finger on it.

Dear Diary,
I'm not a theologian, but I'm pretty damn sure that Jesus wasn't a Mormon! I wish some folks would wake-up to that.

Dear Diary,
OK, new strategerie. I'm gonna do them debates, but I'm not gonna say anythin'. Anybody asks me a question I don't like, I'm just gonna squint at 'em--so it looks like I'm thinkin', then cock my head, sorta smile, and nod. That'll show 'em.

Go Aggies!

Shocked, Shocked! (Redux)

For the last week or so we've been inundated with various pundits announcing that they are shocked--shocked! to discover that Pizza Man Herman Cain's 9-9-9 plan would in fact lower taxes on millionaires while raising taxes on the middle and lower classes. Really? They're surprised by this? Really?

Lest we forget, Cain is a Republican. He is also a millionaire. As are Willard Mitt "Do As I Say And Not As I Do" Romney and Rick "Try To Forget All Of The Crazy Things I Say And Gaze Instead At My Beautiful Head Of Hair" Perry. So is Sarah "Material Girl" Palin, who isn't running because she feels that she can best serve the America people by collecting enormous speaking fees from starstruck saps.

Michelle "Yes, I Am This Stupid" Bachmann? Millionaire. Ron "FEMA Is A Bad Idea" Paul? Millionaire. Newt "Lover Boy" Gingrich? Millionaire. Even Rick "For The Love Of God Please Don't Google Santorum" Santorum is a millionaire.

So of course they want to lower taxes on millionaires. They're all millionaires. "Duh!", as the kids say.

I mean really, what would be the point of being President if you couldn't feather your own nest? Leave austerity to the little people. It suits them.

Republicans never govern very well, their "hearts" aren't really in it. Besides, since their cornerstone belief is that "government is the problem" you can't expect them to do a good job for the rest of us. It goes against their very nature.

But give them credit for one thing: they sure know how to look out for their own kind.

Theatre Of The Absurd

In a moment of weakness, I considered watching the Republican's latest "debate". After all, there is a slight chance that one of these "people" might be elected President of the United States. Plus it was in Vegas, and I was wondering how all these self professed stewards of Good Christian Values would deal with the undeniable fact that if you took the sin industries out of Nevada there wouldn't be anything left but that "secret" air force base, a couple of uranium mines, and a handful of Basques tending sheep. And I always enjoy watching a room full of hypocrites grappling with a moral dilemma.

Luckily, good sense grabbed hold of me, and instead I chose to completely ignore the proceedings because, really, what would be the point?

Like the fifth sequel to a terrible movie, every single thing that might be said by one of the "worthy contenders" is entirely predictable.

First the Black Guy would say something stupid. Then the Millionaire Mormon Male Model would say something stupid. Then the Superdooper Christian Corporate Whore from the Republic of Texas would challenge the Mormon male model's stupidity with some down home y'all superdooper stupidity of his own. Then the Batshit Crazy Lady would blurt out something so bizarrely inane that the entire universe would pause for a second to ponder what the fuck she was trying to say. Did I leave anyone out? Oh, of course we can't forget Rick "Please Don't Google Santorum" Santorum, who has his own special brand of desperate loser stupidity to share, if only someone would ask.

This process would then be repeated until our eyes crossed and our ears began to bleed.

The term "Theatre of the Absurd" took root in the years after WWII. The unspeakable horrors of the Holocaust and the Atomic bomb led Samuel Beckett, amongst others, to tackle the fundamental absurdity of living in the shadow of such overpowering nihilism. Becket's Waiting for Godot was like a slap in the face to audiences used to Noel Coward and the well made play.

However, the years rolled past and the societal attacks and musings of Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Beyond the Fringe, Monty Python, Dr. Strangelove, The President's Analyst, and many others have made Godot's compounding absurdities seem almost quaint.

But none of them could have prepared us for the Tea Party Republican Presidential Contenders of 2012.

Listen closely and you'll hear the ghost of Samuel Beckett sigh and say, "OK. You win."

Another Day, Another Ridiculous Statement From A Republican Presidential Contender

And you thought Herman "9-9-9 Shall Be The Number Of The Beast" Cain was only stupid about economics?

Au contraire, mon frere!

Today we learned that, according to Hermie Pepperoni, "Jesus was killed by a liberal court." I will now pause for a moment to fix myself a strong drink while you digest that...

Ahhh, that's better! Now where were we? Oh yes...

Come on Herm, we all know that the Jews killed Jesus. By God, that's been the basis of Christian theology (and much of Western civilization) for nearly 2000 years. Ask any good, anti-Semitic Catholic.

I know that it's hard to believe that the Romans would allow anyone anywhere to interfere with their administration of justice. I mean, really, is that anyway to run an Empire? Still, it is a long way from Rome to Galilee and who knows, maybe things got a little bit lax in the farthest provinces.

But "killed by a liberal court"?

No Herm, we can blame those dirty meddling liberals for many things: the 40 hour week, paid vacations, child labor laws, the G.I. Bill, student loans, Medicare, Social Security, various clean air and water acts, workplace safety laws, civil rights, voting rights, and much, much more. But not for whacking the Son of God. Sorry. But no.

See, it is possible, in this age of multi-tasking, to be stupidly ignorant about several things at once. Just ask Herman Cain, pride of Tea Party Republicans everywhere.

Pick A Card, Any Card

So the good GOPers of Florida think Rick "My State Is On Fire And It's Obama's Fault" Perry is too crazy? And Willard Mitt "When I Say Don't Tax Rich People What I Mean Is Don't Tax Me" Romney is not crazy enough?

The 3 card monte game that is the Republican presidential primary system continues...

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you this week's Tea Party chosen son, Herman "9-9-9 Shall Be The Number Of The Beast" Cain!!! Who favors a 9% flat tax, 'cause rich folks love flat taxes. 'Cause they don't pay as much under a flat tax. And that means they have more money to create jobs! Ha Ha Ha.

(The most famous promoter of the flat tax idea is that flatulent load Steve Forbes, who in my humble opinion would look good roasting on a spit with an apple in his mouth. But I digress...)

And because flat taxes never raise as much money as that socialist scourge of free market capitalists everywhere, the progressive income tax, it also means that there are even less services for the people who aren't rich. Less money for libraries and schools and mass transit. Because those are things that rich people don't need. So away with them!! Less money for roads and bridges. And cops and firemen. Away with them, I say!!

Hermie Cain, pizza mogul, would also like to privatize Social Security, following in his words, "the Chilean model." Because when you think of progressive economic and social policy, Pinochet era Chile is the first place that comes to mind. Right?

Sadly for all concerned, the ugly truth is that after being in effect for more than 30 years, the "Chilean model" has been found somewhat wanting.

Oh, the fees charged to invest the people's money have made the Chilean bankers very rich indeed. (Which I'm guessing was the idea all along.) However, an estimated 50% of Chileans will still need some form of government assistance to avoid living their golden years in abject poverty. Or maybe they can just work as Wal Mart greeters until they drop?

Nice try Herm. Thanks but no thanks. Enjoy your week or two as Republican Tea Party frontrunner, bask in the simpering adoration of the Fox Talking Heads, and then it's off to the ash bin of history for you. Say hello to Augusto Pinochet for me, OK?

Next!

The Dream Team

What you smell is the Republican presidential field for 2012. Crack open a window, get out the Glade, light a candle--face it, there's nothing you can do to get rid of the odor. So let's revel in it!

How about Romney/Christie? Slick and the Fatman. With Sarah Palin as Secretary of State and Michele Bachmann as the next Supreme Court justice. (If this seems farfetched to you, you must not have been paying attention during the Bush years.)

Fire up the helicopter and let's do us some campaignin' !

Too much brain power to appeal to the Republican base? (Why yes, I am being sarcastic again.) OK, how about Pawlenty/Huckabee? T-Paw and the Huckster. At least they could never be accused of talking down to anyone. T-Paw has a bridge he wants to sell you--oops, it collapsed!

Jeb "I'm the smart one" Bush and Liz Cheney--because Bush-Cheney worked so well the first time, and Americans have notoriously short memories? Jon Huntsman and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir? Herman Cain and a pizza? Rick Santorum and a piece of lint?

Seriously, what difference could it possibly make? To become the Republican nominee in 2012 will require a complete denial of the known world. Name a worthy Republican (now there's an oxymoron). Whoever it is will have to bow down to the Tea Party to be nominated. That in itself should make them unelectable. Throw in endorsing the Ryan budget plan and its gutting of Medicare and the assault on Social Security and you have a perfect storm of losing positions.