Friday, January 29, 2016

Bitch Fight!

So Der Donald and Megyn Kelly, the Leni Riefenstahl of Fox News, are having a tiff!

Tsk tsk tsk.

Gonna make for an awkward election season at Berchtesgaden on the Hudson...

Ya'll remember Fox News. They've spent years, years, riling up the brain dead white hillbilly demographic.

No lie is too big, no innuendo too slimy, no dog whistle too ugly, for the gang over at Murdoch Inc.

And now that those poor dimwits that make up the Fox audience have finally found themselves a candidate that appeals to them and their grocery list of prejudices/grievances, all of which the Fox team helped foster, the Chosen One and the Fox crew's cutest cheerleader can't seem to get along!

Maybe because Der Donald prefers his wimmenfolk awestruck, deferential, and reverential.

Golly! What's an elderly Australian piece o'shit media magnate to do?

Quelle tragique!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Learn To Talk Like Sarah Palin

It's really not that hard.

First get altered in some way: you know, stoned, drunk, repeated blows to the head, or simply physically restrict the flow of oxygen to your brain.

Then it's just like ordering Chinese food. Take one from column A, one from column B, and so on.

Column A: Mama Grizzly, Drill Baby Drill, Obama, Lame Stream Media, etc

Column B: Gonna, You betcha, thinkin', hope-y change-y, etc.

Column C: Death panels, ISIS, Putin, mom pants, etc.

Toss them all together, add a few knowing winks, a couple of dog whistles, and an idiotic giggle.

Finally, try to rhyme as many things as you a very, very simple child begging for attention from the grownups.

Then stand back and watch the money flow in from your fellow simpletons who think you're one of them, and therefore "genuine".

Wednesday, January 20, 2016

Locking Up The Imbecile Vote

It might seem like a small, insignificant part of the overall demographic, but in today's Republican party, the imbecile vote is neither small nor insignificant.

And with Sarah Palin's endorsement, Donald "Yooge Wallet" Trump, has leapfrogged the field and nailed down this vital segment of the Republican electorate.

Palin--Grizzly Mother, Publicity Whore, Moron-in-Chief--controls the imbecile vote like Capone controlled Chicago.

Her every undecipherable, delusional, manic word-salad is like manna from heaven to her followers.

She speaks, and they melt.

You betcha!

And now, her patented brand of True Blue Shoot From The Hip Whites Only Fact Free Tea Party Patriotism is at the service of Donald "Really, I Have No Shame" Trump!

Talk about your Dream Team!

Stand back in wonder, ye lesser men.

Oh, and you too, Carly.

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Make Up Your Own Punchline

So Ted "I'm As American As Anyone Born In Canada" Cruz is doing an armed minstrel show with one of those crackers from Duck "Sweet Jesus What A Bunch Of Worthless Fucks We Are" Dynasty...

And the one asshole turns to the other asshole and says:

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

The American Experiment Is Over

Say "so long".

It was fun while it lasted.

We gave it a good run.

Oh sure, we had our problems. Slavery, sexism, racism, xenophobia, the wholesale slaughter of the native people, an odd tendency to worship rich people. White bread.

But we were making some progress...and the original idea was a good one--once we (slowly) realized that "all men" really meant we had to include everyone, and not just white male property owners.

That all changed a few years back.

Nixon turned on the spigot and Saint Reagan opened the floodgates and the Angry White Males  decided the coloreds, and wimmenfolk, and gay-os, and those awful poor people, and all those commies in unions, were just too damn uppity....and somebody had to do somethin' about it!!!

Cuz it weren't natural, that mad rush toward equality.

Certainly not what Jesus and his Daddy would want.

Now we have a majority on our Supreme Court that swears that corporations are people and money is speech. And that we don't have to worry about institutionalized racism anymore, because it no longer exist...and that unions aren't necessary because employers would never dream of fucking over their workers...and that your religious beliefs are more important than the Constitution--as long as they're the right religious beliefs.

And we have one of our two major political parties that is trying to choose which one, from a legion of craven, lying, delusional fools, to represent them in a national election.

So, yeah, it was fun while it lasted...

But it's over.


Friday, January 8, 2016

The Good News

The good news is that even though we have only twice as many guns per hundred people more than the next closest nation, we have four times more gun deaths per hundred people than the next closest nation!

So, though we may trail other nations in health care, public education, support for the arts, mass transit, and various other signs of advanced civilization, we remain incredibly efficient killing machines.

America, fuck yeah!

Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Still Ain't No Cure For Crazy

When they write the history of the last few years, one thing will be paramount: the very idea that there's a black guy smarter than them drove all the Republican peckerwoods plumb crazy!

So they say the most ridiculous things, unbelievable crap that only the most delusional of their base could possibly believe--because their base suffers from the same derangement.

And the President's generally centrist positions are treated as if they came straight from Trotsky's lips.

Take for instance the hysterical panic that greeted the Affordable Care Act, which is essentially a slightly modified version of a Republican health care plan.

This would all be amusing except for the fact that in their free fall into madness they decided to fuck up the country--just to show "him" who's still the boss man.

So, I guess the question is, how do you think these "gentlemen" will react to a female president?

With measured equanimity? With rational debate? With a passionate determination to fix what's wrong with our nation?