Same one as last year. Same one as every year:
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
From me and Mrs Franklin to you and yours, may you have a Happy New Year's Eve! By that we mean, drink all you want and drive as fast as you can...let's thin out the herd a little.
And to those of you who survive the night, may your 2012 be happy, healthy and prosperous...
***(I've finally given up on losing that 5 extra pounds. Screw it, it's too hard. Besides, it's 10 pounds by now. I'm an old and beaten man, and I know it...now would somebody please pass the pie and ice cream?)
Showing posts with label 2012. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2012. Show all posts
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
End Times 'R Us
Apparently the world is going to end tomorrow night. Why am I always the last person to hear about these things? What, you didn't think it was important enough to tell me earlier? You didn't want to bother me?
Here I thought we had until 2012 before the big Mayan gong sounded and we're all vaporized. But no, it's tomorrow. On a Saturday, too, just to ruin your weekend...
Word of our impending doom comes from, you guessed it, a crazy old white male Christian. Big surprise there, huh? I'm not going to waste any of my precious time googling his name, but suffice it to say he's made millions of dollars frightening the other hillbillies. "The earth will be rent apart, the righteous dead will rise up to heaven, the unsaved will be thrown into the sulfurous pit and blah blah blah."
The Reverend Whatchamacallit has made this prediction once before, and when it didn't come true then, he blamed some faulty calculations he'd made. This reinforces my belief that we need to do something about Senior Adult education in this country. To give him the benefit of the doubt, reading the entrails of a goat has never been an exact science. However, this time he's gone through the Book of Revelations with a fine tooth comb and an Aramaic to English dictionary, and he's sure of his dates, so I suppose that means I'll be seeing most of you in Hell very soon. You know who you are.
However, before any of the unpleasantness starts, I'm off in search of the best Bordeaux I can find and a well marbled, medium rare ribeye, and yes I do want both sour cream and lots of butter with my baked potato and two scoops of ice cream with my pie, and what the hell, a large, strong Irish coffee to relax with afterwards. Our time is short and precious, but I do have one last word for you--just in case the world does end tomorrow: Don't waste a minute of your remaining few hours seeing the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It is quite simply one of the worst movies I've ever seen and believe me I've seen some bad ones. And you sure don't want to start either the Rapture or Eternal Damnation with that piece of crap being one of your last memories of earth. Millions of dollars, loads of talented people and no one remembered to write a coherent, entertaining story. When Keith Richards has the best line in a movie you know something has gone terribly wrong. And Johnny Depp has wrung every last drop of charm out of Captain Jack Sparrow and it's well past time to put him to rest. But really what difference does any of that make? The world is ending tomorrow....no time for rewrites.
Anyway, it's been fun and I hope you get whatever you prayed for...adios.
Here I thought we had until 2012 before the big Mayan gong sounded and we're all vaporized. But no, it's tomorrow. On a Saturday, too, just to ruin your weekend...
Word of our impending doom comes from, you guessed it, a crazy old white male Christian. Big surprise there, huh? I'm not going to waste any of my precious time googling his name, but suffice it to say he's made millions of dollars frightening the other hillbillies. "The earth will be rent apart, the righteous dead will rise up to heaven, the unsaved will be thrown into the sulfurous pit and blah blah blah."
The Reverend Whatchamacallit has made this prediction once before, and when it didn't come true then, he blamed some faulty calculations he'd made. This reinforces my belief that we need to do something about Senior Adult education in this country. To give him the benefit of the doubt, reading the entrails of a goat has never been an exact science. However, this time he's gone through the Book of Revelations with a fine tooth comb and an Aramaic to English dictionary, and he's sure of his dates, so I suppose that means I'll be seeing most of you in Hell very soon. You know who you are.
However, before any of the unpleasantness starts, I'm off in search of the best Bordeaux I can find and a well marbled, medium rare ribeye, and yes I do want both sour cream and lots of butter with my baked potato and two scoops of ice cream with my pie, and what the hell, a large, strong Irish coffee to relax with afterwards. Our time is short and precious, but I do have one last word for you--just in case the world does end tomorrow: Don't waste a minute of your remaining few hours seeing the latest Pirates of the Caribbean movie. It is quite simply one of the worst movies I've ever seen and believe me I've seen some bad ones. And you sure don't want to start either the Rapture or Eternal Damnation with that piece of crap being one of your last memories of earth. Millions of dollars, loads of talented people and no one remembered to write a coherent, entertaining story. When Keith Richards has the best line in a movie you know something has gone terribly wrong. And Johnny Depp has wrung every last drop of charm out of Captain Jack Sparrow and it's well past time to put him to rest. But really what difference does any of that make? The world is ending tomorrow....no time for rewrites.
Anyway, it's been fun and I hope you get whatever you prayed for...adios.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Help Wanted
All good things must come to an end, and so it is with Jon Kyl's time in the Senate. Kyl, who must have an anteater somewhere in his ancestors, (Close your eyes. Now picture Kyl. Then picture an anteater. Now try and tell me that I'm wrong), has announced that he won't be running for re-election in 2012. After the flood of tears and great cries of lamentation died down, the speculation began about who could fill those impossibly large shoes.
On the the Republican side of the ledger Jeff Flake, Trent Franks, Ben Quayle and Grant Woods were amongst the names mentioned. Flake is Rand Paul Lite, who doesn't believe the federal government really has a purpose; Franks is a birther loon, who isn't smart enough to figure out what the federal government's purpose is; and Quayle is a silver spoon cipher, trading on the family name for his own purposes. Since all of these qualities are very attractive to the typical Republican primary voter, there's no telling who might have the edge. It would probably come down to who could a) raise the most money and b) pander the most to the Russell Pearce crowd. Bristol Palin, anyone?
Woods, who wouldn't stand much of a chance in a Republican primary because a) he's not a raving nut and b) he doesn't suffer fools gladly, should consider ditching the GOP once and for all and running as an Independent. He's always struck me as being a centrist at heart (which makes him almost a liberal in Arizona), has bona fides with the Latino community, and can think on his feet. This makes him attractive to a lot of independent voters, the remaining handful of moderate Republicans, and the realpolitik Dems who realize that they're probably not going to get their guy elected anyway, so they might as well stop the inevitable loony bin Tea Party pandering Republican candidate if they can. (The only truly viable Democrat I can think of would be Gabby Giffords--if she's completely healed and decides she wants to run. Even then I don't think she'd be the favorite in the general election. Better for her to wait until McCain retires or expires.)
Of course there is another option that would save us all a lot of time and trouble. Based on the very short list of Kyl's senatorial achievements, an empty suit would be an adequate replacement. Oh, don't get me wrong, it would have to be an expensive, well tailored suit. I'm thinking dark blue, with a light pinstripe, and extremely large and deep pockets.
On the the Republican side of the ledger Jeff Flake, Trent Franks, Ben Quayle and Grant Woods were amongst the names mentioned. Flake is Rand Paul Lite, who doesn't believe the federal government really has a purpose; Franks is a birther loon, who isn't smart enough to figure out what the federal government's purpose is; and Quayle is a silver spoon cipher, trading on the family name for his own purposes. Since all of these qualities are very attractive to the typical Republican primary voter, there's no telling who might have the edge. It would probably come down to who could a) raise the most money and b) pander the most to the Russell Pearce crowd. Bristol Palin, anyone?
Woods, who wouldn't stand much of a chance in a Republican primary because a) he's not a raving nut and b) he doesn't suffer fools gladly, should consider ditching the GOP once and for all and running as an Independent. He's always struck me as being a centrist at heart (which makes him almost a liberal in Arizona), has bona fides with the Latino community, and can think on his feet. This makes him attractive to a lot of independent voters, the remaining handful of moderate Republicans, and the realpolitik Dems who realize that they're probably not going to get their guy elected anyway, so they might as well stop the inevitable loony bin Tea Party pandering Republican candidate if they can. (The only truly viable Democrat I can think of would be Gabby Giffords--if she's completely healed and decides she wants to run. Even then I don't think she'd be the favorite in the general election. Better for her to wait until McCain retires or expires.)
Of course there is another option that would save us all a lot of time and trouble. Based on the very short list of Kyl's senatorial achievements, an empty suit would be an adequate replacement. Oh, don't get me wrong, it would have to be an expensive, well tailored suit. I'm thinking dark blue, with a light pinstripe, and extremely large and deep pockets.
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