Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Hiring The Handicapped

Credit where credit is due, Rupert Murdoch is in the forefront of mainstreaming the mentally challenged.

O'Reilly, Hannity, that crazy ass psychologist, that mad, ranting, harridan who claims to be a judge, Doocy, Cavuto, Bolling, Kelly and the other interchangeable blondes, the entire Fox frothing at the mouth business crew, and all the rest.

Hats off Rupe, with their tentative grasp of reality, the only other job they could possibly get would be as Arizona state legislators--and there are only a few of those to go around.

But you, you Aussie visionary, saw potential where others saw only pathetic miscreants. So you wiped off the spittle, dressed them up, and made them famous and rich!

This gives hope to all of the equally mentally challenged, non reality based, Fox viewers...

Rupert Murdoch, humanitarian!

Saturday, February 21, 2015

War Is Hell, or: Signor Movie's Oscar Nomination Roundup

I've had to tear myself away from writing my wartime memoirs.  I was working on the chapter about the time Bill-o O'Reilly and I were in Buenos Aires during the Falklands War and the hotel bar ran out of triple sec. I tell you, it was grim.

And, as with most things Bill-o related, it got ugly in a hurry.

Some memories are just too painful...

So let's pour ourselves a stiff one and talk about something more pleasant, shall we?

Here follows a very short list, by no means all inclusive, of the people who really got screwed by Oscar this time:

Tom Hardy, who gave beautiful performances in both Locke and The Drop.

Philip Seymour Hoffman who was excellent in A Most Wanted Man.

David Oyelowo who was equally brilliant as Martin Luther King Jr in Selma.

Ava DuVernay who directed Selma.

And, finally, would someone please explain to me what the Hell The Grand Budapest Hotel is doing on the Best Picture list, and what Wes Anderson is doing on the Best Director list? Sure, it was better than Moonrise Kingdom, but that's not a very high bar, now is it?

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

40 Years Of This?

40 years of Saturday Night Live.

And they couldn't cobble together three and a half hours of laughs...

No, not three and a half hours. Take out the commercials and the "songs" and we're looking at more like two hours.

Filling two hours from 40 years of shows?

Chevy Chase. Bill Murray. Steve Martin. Dan Ackroyd. Jane Curtin. Eddie Murphy. Tina Fey. Amy Poehler. Jerry Seinfeld. Chris Rock. Jim Carrey. Louis C.K. Alec Baldwin. Martin Short. Maya Rudolph. Will Ferrell. Bill Hader. Mike Myers. Dana Carvey. Kristin Wiig. Jimmy Fallon. Adam Sandler.

Plus all the "classic" bits featuring Belushi, Radner, Hartman, and Farley.

Should be a piece of cake!

Then again...

Of those two l-o-n-g hours the cringe worthy stuff far outnumbered the funny stuff.

Playing "hey look, it's -------!" with the audience cut-away shots was the highlight of the telecast.

Sad sad sad.

I'm left with two conclusions:

Lorne Michaels is the most over-rated person in the history of television comedy.

And his show is the reason God gave us the fast forward button.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Speaking Of Lowlife Scum

The Arizona Republic did a nice little piece about the Hensley Beverage Company the other day. You know, Hensley as in Senator John McCain's wife Cindy Hensley McCain? They distribute beer and other alcoholic beverages.

And somehow, and I'm sure it was just an oversight, not enough room, tight deadline etc. the piece  managed to not mention how Cindy's dad, Jim Hensley, was buddy pals with old Kemper Marley.

How their "friendship" perhaps resulted in Jimmy getting his Budweiser distributorship. As reward, some say, for taking the rap for Marley in an earlier legal dustup.

Or perhaps it was just part of Budweiser's short lived "Felon to Entrepreneur" rehabilitation program?

Of course, if they mentioned Kemper Marley, they might have to mention Don Bolles, who as you may or may not recall, was a reporter for the Republic, and who was looking into Marley's "business" dealings when he somehow managed to get himself blown to bits back in the mid-70's.

And, since The Arizona Republic exists mainly to deliver advertising, it's probably best to not rock the boat.  In fact, I think that's on their masthead.

So move along, nothing to see here...just old news...

Sunday, February 1, 2015

Fun Games To Play Whilst Driving

Since gas is so very cheap, we will all soon be driving, driving, driving, to our hearts' content, even if we have, as Chuck Berry once said, "no particular place to go."

And since all that driving can be aggravating, boring, etc. we will need fun games to keep us engaged and not enraged.

Here are a few tried and true favorites of mine:

On the freeway, go ten miles over the speed limit and see how long it is before someone just has to pass you. Now go twenty miles over the speed limit.

Find a flashing red stop light and count the number of drivers who have no idea what to do.

Follow someone whose turn signal has been on for several miles and try to guess which street they will eventually turn at. Extra points if they end up turning in the opposite direction.

Keep a safe distance between you and the car in front of you and count the micro-seconds before someone decides there is more than enough room to squeeze in between you.

Count the old men in sports cars. Extra points if it's a convertible. Double extra points if they're smoking a cigar.

And, for Phoenix area drivers only, find a safe place to park and watch the reverse lanes on 7th Avenue or 7th Street during rush hours. Makes NASCAR look like a bunch of old ladies driving in circles.

Happy motoring. Have fun and try to keep the pistol in the glove box, OK?