God's Will

Listen up all of you fundamentalists.

Who are you going to trust?

A bunch of stupid so called "experts" and a bunch of godless scientists?

Or Jesus Christ and his number one chosen boy, Donald J. Trump?

Only a heathen would "stay at home" and follow some stupid social distancing guidelines designed to take away your right to congregate at the church of your choice.

Fuck that shit!

Rise up! Gather together in His name!

No virus is going to stop you! No siree!

No "laws of man" are going to stop you either!

Rub against each other. Writhe about on the floor. Sweat and shout in His name. Bunch together in holy piles. Those of you with snakes--and you know who you are--kiss those snakes!

And don't forget to bring a covered dish to share.

His might will protect you from some stupid virus.

And if it doesn't, well...that's God's Will, too. Right?

Jesus and Trump both want you to worship them. And none of that quiet, namby-pamby, stay at home worship, either.

No, they want, they demand, that all out, balls to the wall, hysterical caterwauling that you're just dying to deliver.

So get to it!

You've followed them this far, right?

Might as well follow them into the abyss.

It's The Hypocrisy, Stupid (part whatever)

Remember when "The Deficit" was a big deal? Those awful Democrats, led by that awful Obama, were ruining our children's futures by saddling them with "The Deficit"! Yikes!

Now that President Numbnuts and his Congressional enablers have inflated "The Deficit" to a record amount, with no end in sight, and hints of more tax cuts for the wealthiest Americans, "The Deficit" is suddenly no big deal.

And it will remain no big deal until there is a Democrat in the White House, and then, as if by magic, the Republicans will start screaming their empty heads off about "The Deficit".

Or what about that tan suit that Obama wore one time. What a catastrophe that was! A blight on all things Americans hold dear! Almost treasonous!

Now we have a Halfwit in Chief who wears an ill fitting blue suit that more often than not looks like he slept in it, accessorized with a clownishly long red tie.

But that's ok. Because he's white, and full of hate. You know, a "real" American. The kind that Fundamentalist Christian Americans can wholeheartedly support.

Remember when the Republicans were the party of "law and order"? And not a collection of crooks? But that was a long time ago. Nowadays, from the First Family on down, they'd steal the pennies off a dead man's eyes.

We used to have allies that we relied on, and who relied on us. Now the only countries that can rely on us are Russia, Saudi Arabia, Turkey, and Syria.

Donald J. Trump is incapable of obeying the laws of this nation. He has lived a life of illegality since he was very young. He was raised by a criminal. He has modeled himself after criminals. He acts like a criminal.

He is a criminal.

Only a criminal would spend so much time and effort hiding things. Honest people do not behave this way.

And still, after all of this, a large majority of Republicans still think Trump is a "good role model" for children.

This makes perfect sense if you're a Republican.

Not so much if you're a human being.

How To Become A Fundamentalist

It's really very simple.

First, hit yourself in the head. Repeatedly. Over and over and over again. Use a hammer--if you can figure out how a hammer works. Try running at full speed toward a tree, or concrete wall. Lower your head before impact. Repeat.

You may be just a little woozy by now. Double vision and blood oozing from your nostrils and ears are possible side effects. Don't worry.  Do not be deterred. Stay the course. You're getting there!

Now, tie a piece of rubber tubing around your neck. Tightly. You need to cut off the blood flow to your brain completely. Feel a little light headed? Good! Again, don't worry about damaging your brain. After all, you won't be using it anymore. Your autonomic systems will still work fine. Probably.

When you come to, if you come to, you're ready to be a fundamentalist!

So grab your Bible, or your Quran, or just some old issues of The National Review, and get bizzee!

(These same methods can be used to create Trump supporters, too.)

Gee, I Guess No Republican Woman Has Ever Gotten An Abortion, Huh?

To white male conservatives, women are essentially chattel.

Breeding stock. The "weaker" sex.

Too, uh, emotional, to control their own reproductive systems.

So men must control them.

And since the right to a safe abortion takes some of that control away, abortions must be outlawed.

That has been the sole thrust of large segments of the Republican Party for the last 40 years or so.

All those slobbering evangelicals screaming their fool heads off about Roe v. Wade.

They care, oh they care so deeply, about those fetuses.

Doctors are murdered, clinics are bombed, women are terrorized--all for those magic fetuses.

(Of course, once the child is born, unless he or she is white and rich, the good folks over at the GOP couldn't care less about them. Day care, family leave, Head Start,  good public schools, health care, subsidized lunches, after school programs? Nah. That's all handouts. That's all socialism.)

Since 99.9% of this vileness comes from the Republican Right, it raises the question asked in the title of this post; "Gee, I guess no Republican woman has ever gotten an abortion, huh?"

And if you believe that, well...

Fortunately, there is a solution and it's really pretty simple: if you are a female, and are against abortion--don't have one.

And if you are male, and against abortion--shut the fuck up. Mind your own goddamn business.

See. Simple.

Welcome To The Republican's Big Tent!

Hello!

Person of color? Gosh, how did you get in here? I mean, are you sure this is where you want to be? Really?

Billionaire? Thanks for coming! That big table up front is reserved just for you!

Female? In the back, please.

Gay? "Closeted" or "out"? "Closeted" sit near the front. "Out" please get to the back, by the women.

Idiot? We certainly need as many of you as we can get!  The more the merrier, in fact! But don't sit too near the billionaires. It bothers them. They're very sensitive.

Homophobe? See those idiots over there? That's right. Sit with them.

Rapist? Hmmm. Who did you rape, male or female? Female? Over here. Male? Uh, gee. Over there I guess. With the clergy.

Criminal? White collar? Sit near the billionaires. Other crimes? Wherever there's an open seat. Remember to mingle.

Racist? Sit wherever you want! That goes for you, too, gun nuts and fundamentalists.

But please save some seats for our Russian friends. After all, they paid for most of this.

Trust Me, Nobody Cares If You're A Christian

Oh, the poor, set upon Christians. Apparently some of them are worried that their religion is under attack. Boo hoo.

Perhaps it will be outlawed by the evil humanists, with all their so called facts and reason!

War on Christmas! War on Christmas! War on Christmas!

Trust me, humanists really don't give a fuck.

You can believe whatever fairy tales you want. Santa Claus, the Easter bunny, Baby J. Whatever.

Just don't expect the rest of us to. And please don't try to force your fairy tales on us. OK?

Go to your tax free churches, where some of your ministers spew hatred and complete nonsense, beg for forgiveness and then pretend you're "saved" and therefore somehow morally superior to the rest of us "Godless infidels." Oh, and always remember to drop a little something in the plate when they pass it your way. Otherwise, there are no guarantees.

Really, all I can say to that kind of nonsense is "Jesus Christ!"

It's All OK!

Here's the deal:

You can be a rapist, a thief, an idiot, a child molester, a downright fucking moron...

But if you have that "R" after your name, it's all OK!

You can be a serial liar, a phony Christian, a racist, a misogynist, a homophobe...

But if you have that "R" after your name, it's all OK!

You can be a stooge for a foreign country, a draft dodging chicken hawk, morally bankrupt, financially corrupt...

And that "R" makes it all OK!

You can conspire with the government of an enemy nation to subvert our elections, you can dismantle 100 years of progressive legislation, you can stuff yourself and your family from the public purse, you can despoil the public commons, sell off the nation to the highest bidders...

As long as that "R" is there, no need to worry!

You can even be a full blown traitor, who spends his day committing treason while wiping his ass with the Constitution...

When the cops come, just show 'em your "R".

The "R" that now stands for Russia.

Religious Notes From All Over

Here it is once again, that sacred season wherein billions of dollars are spent celebrating a fairy tale.
You know, the babe in the manger, the virgin birth, the wise men, all that bullshit. I mean, you're free to believe whatever you want, but I guess faith must mean you turn off the rational part of your brain, huh?

Then again, maybe your brain doesn't have a rational part...in that case, never mind!

But whatever the state of your brain, at least we're all "free" to say "Merry Christmas" again. Finally. The stress was killing me...And a White House and Congress full of traitors, criminals, rapists, grifters, imbeciles, racists, white supremacists, and congenital liars, all conspiring to tear apart a once great country, is a very small price to pay for that privilege. So, Happy Holidays to all!

Down in that Alabama, which they tell me is still part of the Union, believe it or not, that good Christian Roy "Sugar, Come Sit On Uncle Roy's Lap" Moore wears a pin that is some sort of combination of a cross and an American flag. That in itself is a travesty, but the truly surprising thing is that it doesn't burst into flames every time Roy The Pedophile puts it on. But I guess things are different down there. And the one thing that fundamentalists of all religions are is fundamentally insane. So let's all "pray" that the "rapture" takes these assholes elsewhere, and soon.

Now let's turn to our Jewish friends. Any idiot who believes that recognizing Jerusalem as the capital of Israel is a good idea, and that it will in any way help the peace process, should immediately move there. I'll help you pack, Jared. Better hurry, though, because I hear that you are one small step ahead of the law.

Honestly, and this goes for all of you, if you love Israel sooooo much, move to fucking Israel. It's just that simple.

And speaking of Jewish Americans who love Israel more than the United States, Shelly Adelson, please shave your head. You look like somebody's addled Bubbe with a tragic dye job, and you're making us all sick.

Ooops...

Wouldn't it be funny if Il Trumpo was done in for saying out loud what is essentially the logical next step in the Republican position on abortion?

After all the other stupid shit he's said?!

That insane crap about Mexicans and Muslims and the Middle East and building walls and China and the whole world laughing at us and "birtherism" and nuclear weapons and every piece of offensive, idiotic nonsense he's burbled in the last few months...

That was all OK. After all, anything to attack the black president is OK.

But voicing what many pro-lifers must truly believe?

Oops.

I say "truly believe" because abortion is "murder" to them. And there must be punishment for "murder". Ask all those fire breathing, frothing at the mouth, fundamentalist pastors that support Ted Cruz.

Somebody has to pay!

So they applaud or look the other way when women's clinics are fire bombed and doctors murdered.

And they create ridiculous laws to hamper the whole process of abortion.

Which, the last time I checked, was a right protected by the Constitution.

Oh, I forgot! Republicans get to pick and choose which parts of the Constitution, and laws in general, that they follow. Because, uh...Jesus?

Therefore, based on their line of reasoning, it only makes sense that there should be some form of punishment for the women who participate in these "murders".

Unless it's a Republican woman who gets an abortion...

But that would never happen, would it?

Do As I Say--Not As I Do

That, my friends, is quite obviously the motto of fundamentalist Christian Republicans all across this great land of ours.

You know, your Palins, your Duggars, your Huckabees, and so on and so forth. You know, all the folks who would gladly welcome a theocracy.

When they do something bad, they will ask for forgiveness, and their merciful, compassionate God will shrug and forgive them.

When you do something that they consider bad, you will suffer the torments of eternal damnation.

Apologize all you want, you are an irredeemable sinner.

Now I ask you, as a theology, how fucked up is that?

Well, What Have We Learned?

The Supreme Court is as highly politicized as the Congress. After Bush v. Gore and Citizens United was there really any doubt? Look out Roe v. Wade! Give the current line-up a chance and they'll have us back in the 1800's before you know it. Dred Scott anyone?

Also, once you're on the Court the usual judicial standards just don't apply anymore. The idea of recusing yourself for an obvious conflict of interest? Ridiculous!

Wearing a "hoodie" is a capital offense. Quick, someone warn Bill Belichick and Eddie Vedder! Oh, that's right, they're white. Never mind.

The majority of our state legislatures seem to think that women are too stupid, or too cavalier about the "sanctity" of life, to be allowed control over their reproductive systems.

In the end, there isn't that much difference between fundamentalist Christians and fundamentalist Muslims. They both think that God speaks directly to them and them only, and that justifies anything they do.

There is no depth to which a Republican presidential candidate will not sink to appeal to their base.

About half of the American people have no idea what government does. They fervently believe the old Reagan lie that "government is the problem." Someday soon they may find out just how much they really do need the Federal government. And it won't be there.

The problem isn't with my "entitlements"; the problem is with your "entitlements".

Apparently the Dodgers are worth $2 billion.