Sunday, January 29, 2012

Allen West Is An Idiot

And here I thought I'd have a relatively peaceful, stress free Sunday.

But no...

Allen West, R-Crazy Man, who is dangerously unbalanced enough to be an elected official from Arizona, but by shear geographic luck is instead representing Florida in the Congress of these United States, apparently has a problem with liberals and progressives.

And by "liberal and progressive" I mean anyone who doesn't agree with the ugly, delusional ravings of Allen West.

West's latest blast of bilious stupidity urged President Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi and Debbie Wasserman Schultz, to "get the hell out of the United States of America."

Now, based on my own set of beliefs and values, none of those named is especially "liberal", and certainly not as progressive as I'd like them to be, but in that festering mass of misfiring-and possibly syphilitic--ganglia that passes for Allen West's brain they are all dangerous leftists, bent on destroying "his" country!


It should be pointed out to Mr. West that without some form of "liberalism" he, and his soul mate Clarence Thomas, might still be picking cotton somewhere in Dixie, under the lash of someone who looks a lot like Newt Gingrich or Rush Limbaugh.

Just sayin', y'all.

PS Though my mother was born there, many many years ago, I have never been to Florida. However, based on their recent run of elected officials, including Jeb "I'm The Smart One. No, Really" Bush, Rick "Spawn Of Voldemort" Scott, Marco "I'm Too Much Of A Cipher To Have A Nickname" Rubio, and Mr. Allen "Completely Detached From Reality" West his own self, it must really be a shithole.

Thursday, January 26, 2012


The latest bullshit excuse from Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer to explain her community theatre histrionics on the tarmac is that she felt "threatened" by President Obama.

Personally, as a longtime resident of Arizona, I feel threatened by having a semi-literate, barely functioning moron for a Governor, a legislature controlled by rabid, retarded hillbillies, a county sheriff who is himself a criminal, and a brain dead, gun lovin', pecker-wood populace that keeps electing all of the above.

That's what I feel "threatened" by.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


Comedy is everywhere, if only you keep your eyes open...

By now you've probably seen the picture of Jan "Chuck, Tell Me What To Do" Brewer wagging her boney witch's finger in the President's face.

Our dear "Governor", no doubt emboldened by having a bargain basement education coupled to a fourth rate brain, appears to be lecturing (!) Mr. Obama. The mind, as they say, boggles...

You can almost hear her "base" (and believe me, she has the basest base imaginable) screaming their approval:

"You go girl! Teach that uppity Negro a lesson! Put him in his place!"

Sometimes, when the weather is glorious, and I've had a cup of something fermented or distilled, I almost forget what a hateful, loony bitch she is.

Fortunately, at these times, she always comes up with something to remind me. I tell you, it's sobering.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

A Few Random Thoughts For A Sunny Winter Day

Gee, for such good, patriotic, freedom loving, true-blue conservative Americans, Barry Goldwater and his brother Bob sure had a lot of mobsters for friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I mean, I still enjoy listening to Frank Sinatra, you know? It's just not what you expect from the 'law and order' party. I guess The Conscience of a Conservative had a few blind spots, huh? (I was reminded of this seamier aspect of Arizona's storied history while helping my son do research for a school report about the murder of Don Bolles.)

Speaking of seamy Arizona history, if every convicted felon was given a Budweiser distributorship soon after his release--like Cindy McCain's dad, Jim Hensley, was--I bet the recidivism rate would go way down. But then I guess not every con is lucky enough to take the rap for Kemper Marley...

Based on the crowd reaction at the Republican debates, South Carolina seems like an interesting place, full of fun people. Grab your whitest sheet and book a flight...

When did the Party of Lincoln morph into the Aryan Brotherhood? Or is that just to pander to all the good Christian folks down in Dixie?

Newt Gingrich really is a pig, isn't he? And speaking of Aryans, if Newt The Love God is an exemplar of the "white race", I think I'll start checking the "other" box on my census form.

As for his rival, the inestimable Willard Mitt "That Gordon Gekko Is A Really Cool Guy" Romney, apparently the real scandal isn't that he's only taxed in the 15% bracket. A lot of uber wealthy people only pay the capital gains' tax rate. No, the real scandal is that he is "sheltering" a lot of money offshore. And by "sheltering" I mean hiding. One man's clever accounting method is another man's tax evasion scheme. Some people go to jail for that sort of thing.

Ah, the 2012 Republican Presidential candidates! The gift that keeps on giving, and giving, and giving...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Faith and Begorrah!

Here's a fun new drinking game: Every time Chris "Hardballs" Matthews mentions his book about Jack Kennedy drink an entire fifth of Irish whiskey!**

**for a truly authentic experience, use bootleg whiskey.

Monday, January 16, 2012

"Still The Best Decision I've Ever Made"

Proving once and for all that wisdom does not come with age, the other day John McCain insisted that choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008 was "still the best decision I've ever made."

Of course, in this case "best" is a relative term. It does not mean good or excellent or wise or any of those positive, productive things. It just means that in comparison to all of the other decisions he's made, this was the "best" of them.

Therefore, using that as a parameter, and as someone who has lived in Arizona whilst John "Maverick" McCain has served our poor, benighted state as a Congressman and Senator I am forced to agree.

In fact, the more I think about it, choosing Sarah Palin as his running mate in 2008 was a wonderful decision for the country and the world. It guaranteed that an unstable, intellectually stunted, bitter old man was not elected President of the United States.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

An Open Letter From God Himself to Willard Mitt Romney

Dude, face it, people just don't like you that much! I don't know why.

Of course, being omniscient and all that, I should know why, shouldn't I? Hmmm. I think the problem is that it's such a pervasive, ongoing and obvious thing that I really haven't given it much thought. Some things just are the way they are, you know? The sun goes up, the sun goes down, people think you are a dick.

Anyway, I have a whole cosmos to watch and I'm sorry Mitt, but you aren't even in my Top 10.

However, since you keep asking, I will offer up a couple of educated guesses. Could be the way you switch positions to suit whatever the prevailing mood is. People don't like that. Makes you seem like an opportunistic asshole. Also, try not to be so goddamn condescendingly smug. People don't like that either. Maybe cut back a little on that shit eating grin of yours, too. Trust me, it's creepy.

By the way, I don't think it's because you're a Mormon. Although I have noticed that, except for those wacky Scientologists, folks seem to like their superstitious claptrap to be a few thousand years old at least and the LDS is what, 160 or so? So maybe that is it. But hey, as I always say, believe whatever you want. It's all mumbo jumbo as far as I'm concerned...

Just remember this: if one of you is my child, then you're all my children, and let's leave it at that, OK?

Anyway, try a few of my suggestions and if they don't work, it might be that there's just something about you that inherently pisses people off. It happens sometimes.

Oh, one last thing. Despite what some professional athletes may think, I really can't take sides. It's not allowed. However, the smart money up here is on Obama. Sorry.

Peace, etc,


PS when you have a sec, take the private jet to the Big Apple and see The Book of Mormon--it's a hoot!

PPS Nobody gets their own planet.

PPPS if you ever run into Michele Bachmann again, please tell her that those voices she keeps hearing are definitely not me. If she wants I can recommend a couple of good psychiatrists.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

A Sane Republican?

The more time I spend watching the GOP debates and hearing the candidates speak, the happier I become. Seriously, does anyone actually think that Rick Santorum or the other Rick, Mr. Perry, one of the dumbest men in the history of the state of Texas, could really become the President of the United States?

That said, I've been watching the coverage of the New Hampshire primary tonight. While I have very few positive things to say about Republicans as an entity, I am grateful to them for one thing. There is no chance in hell that they will make Jon Huntsman their candidate.

Don't get me wrong, I actually like Jon Huntsman. He has some policy ideas that I find disgusting, but he seems at least to be able to hold in his head the idea that Republicans and Democrats can work together to solve the problems this nation is facing. Obviously, this is a stance that the modern GOP finds anathema.

Let's go for Mitt! Hooray for Newt! Rick Perry, the greatest thing since sliced bread (actually, the loaf of sliced bread may be smarter than Rick)! Rick Santorum, who will surely deliver us from the heathen gays!

The only one that scares me in his possible ability to draw enough voters to defeat President Obama is Jon Huntsman. After watching his New Hampshire speech tonight, I'm even more confirmed in that belief. You see, he actually has a brain -- that seems to be a disqualifying attribute among Republican voters these days.

That's why I am so, so happy that there isn't a chance in hell that he will win the GOP nomination.

Monday, January 9, 2012

Poor Little Newt Man

Poor Newt Gingrich. He's been a low life piece of scum for his entire political life--but somehow people just didn't notice.

And so, since no one pointed out how truly awful he was, Newt came to believe that he was a super Patriot, and a towering intellectual, indeed the only worthy heir to Jefferson, Madison, Lincoln, Churchill, Napoleon, Casanova--hell, let's throw in Heraclitus and Edward Gibbon, too, just for good measure.

And a fellow possessing qualities like that has to run for President. Settling for anything less would be tantamount to treason. Depriving America of that sort of leader would be criminal.

So, Newt runs for President, and he finds out really quick just how the American People feel about him.

And not just the hateful Democrats, and the wicked Liberal Media, but also his fellow Republicans, the party to whom he has given his life's blood, viciously attack him. Oh, the ugly, ugly stories they tell about Newt!

The worst part is that the stories are all true. All the bullshit he's been shoveling for the past 20 years has hit the fan at the same time. And Newt suddenly finds himself covered with it, from head to toe.

Turns out the American people may indeed hunger for a Jefferson, Madison or Lincoln. But a Newt Gingrich? Not so much.

Oh well, he'll always have Tiffany's.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

War Horse

If you're thinking of seeing Steven Spielberg's movie War Horse, take a minute and look up the word "schmaltz" in the nearest dictionary.

You might end up saving yourself a few bucks and a couple hours of your life...

On the other hand, you might enjoy spending 146 minutes trying to guess from which better movie some of the set pieces have been "copied".

There, that cavalry attack looks suspiciously like one in Lawrence of Arabia. Wait a minute, didn't they do that in Gone With the Wind? Paths of Glory, anyone?

Plus you get a record number of close-ups of attractively lit actors and actresses with one glistening tear running down their faces...

Throw in a nondescript John Williams' score and your evening is complete.

What Mr. Spielberg has done, successfully, is drain all of the theatrical magic out of the play--and without that magic there is nothing much there. What he has attempted to replace it with is very technically adept chicken fat.

By the end I was praying for one last shot of the noble beast, (indeed the noblest of all beasts), this time with a single tear running down his noble equine face.

Fade to black.

PS if you want to see a great movie by a great director, see Hugo. It is magical.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Iowa? Really?

You have to keep one thing in mind as you watch the ubiquitous coverage of those salt of the earth Iowans shuffling off to the grange to cast their God given votes for the Republican Tea Party worthy of their choice.

The poor dirt farmers of the Hawkeye State have suffered through years, it seems, of first Paul, then Bachmann, then Perry, then Cain, then Gingrich, then Paul again, then Santorum, and always the multiple faces, Past Present and Future, of Willard Mitt Romney, each doing their own ethical limbo.

They watched in awe as each one bent lower and lower backwards in decrying the meddling big government forced on us all by everybody's favorite Kenyan anti-Colonial Socialist, Barack Hussein Obama.

Solemn, heartfelt promises were made, and if they were all kept, in some imaginary Republican Never Never Land, there would be no goddamned government telling us what to do! No EPA, no FDA, no IRS, no Departments of Education, Commerce, or Energy, no FEMA, and especially NO, absolutely NO Obamacare!

Every attack on the pernicious nature of the federal government was rewarded with grunts of approval, fervent "yeahs!", and sometimes even applause from the good burghers.

Oh, it's been nothing but fun, watching the candidates twist and turn, leap frogging each other in a race to the bottom of the barrel. But now it's time to get down to the real nut crackin'. Time for a little old fashioned small "d" democracy in action! Time to choose your favorite Horseman of the Apocalypse!

However, before we get to that, here's the one thing you have to keep in mind: these proudly self-sufficient Iowa Republicans get to share well over a billion dollars a year in federal farming subsidies--and have for many, many years.

They hate the big, nasty federal government...except when it's helping them.

Of course, Iowa is only the first step. Win or lose, it's on to New Hampshire, where the tough, independent, "just leave us alone" Republicans of the Granite State no doubt also hate the big, nasty federal government--until they need it. Then down to South Carolina, y'all, where they're still fighting the Civil War.

It may seem like this party has been going on for far too long, but trust me, the fun is just beginning...