Tuesday, September 30, 2014

I'll Leave A Light On

Did you know that Jesus is coming soon?

Yeah, me neither.

But according to noted theologian, and Duck Dynasty guy, Willie Robertson, He is.

So it must be true.

Because if you can't believe reality TV faux hillbillies who can you believe?

This is America, dammit!

Robertson bases his predictions about the J man's imminent return on the coming release of a Nick Cage movie. Just like the Council of Nicaea did.

The flick, called  Left Behind, is yet another of those Rapture movies that simple minded hicks can't seem to get enough of. It's like crack for them. Or maybe Oxycontin...

If you'll recall, a while back, Robertson, channeling the spirit of Jesus, and charitable, open-hearted, God is Love, Conservative Christians everywhere, had some truly enlightened things to say about gays.

This raises an interesting theological question: What happens if a gay Christian is "enRaptured" (so to speak)? Does He spit him or her back? Or does some sort of super duper conversion therapy happen on the trip up to Heaven?

Well, Willie, what about it? You're the expert, after all.

Friday, September 26, 2014

Dr. Strangelove, or: John McCain Doesn't Know Anything About Anything

I've lived in Arizona for a long time...certainly much longer than Senator John McCain. I'll probably be here long after he's gone, too. And, if you put a gun to my head, I still couldn't name one thing he's done for the people of Arizona.

But even worse than his lack of any tangible legislative achievements is the faith that some media types seem to put in his foreign policy acumen. Let Vladimir Putin fart and there's McCain, expounding...

And he's always wrong. Always.

Remember "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran"? Remember "We're all Georgians now"? Remember his predictions about the Iraq War? Remember the Keating 5?

Here's McCain's curriculum vitae: He was a prisoner of war. Doesn't that mean that he fucked up on some fundamental level?  He survived imprisonment. That's his expertise.Then he dumped the first wife on her sickbed, married the young daughter of a wealthy liquor distributor, ran for a safe Republican seat in the House, and then, because the voters in Arizona get all mushy over a boy in uniform--regardless of their qualifications--he ascended to the Senate. The rest, as they say, is history. I will only add that with the first big, important decision he had to make as a Presidential candidate he gave us the gift that is Sarah Palin. Res ipsa loquitur.

None of this makes him an expert on anything, except opportunism.

Now, on the other hand, if you were casting a screwball comedy, McCain and his little buddy, Miss Lindsey Graham, would make a perfect couple: A bitter old man and a dithering hysteric.

Well, hell, I guess that's exactly what we're living through, though, isn't it?

A screwball comedy where the most ridiculous people are taken seriously.

Monday, September 22, 2014

"I Would Have Done A Better Job Than Obama"

So sayeth noted Mormon Elder Willard Mitt Romney.

Isn't that the best thing about America? You can believe anything you want!

Any idiotic thing. Any ridiculous thing. No matter how absurd.

And even better, you can always find some stupid, delusional, brain dead, bastards who agree with you!

In fact, these same dumb fuckers would probably vote for you all over again.

I'm pretty sure we lead the world in that kind of thing.

There's your American Exceptionalism.


Tuesday, September 16, 2014

Oh, I Got Gambling Money

It's amazing!

There's never enough money for education.

Or to feed and house the poor.

Or provide basic healthcare for everyone.

Or for repairing our crumbling infrastructure.

Or to create jobs.

Or to replace fossil fuels with cleaner, renewable energy.

Or to care for our veterans.

But there is always enough money to go to war.

You know the old joke, a guy in Las Vegas asks a stranger for money for an operation for his mother. The stranger replies, "How do I know you won't use any money I give you to gamble with?" And the first guy answers, "Oh, I got gambling money."

Funny, isn't it?

And what is truly amazing is how quickly conservatives become Keynesians when there are war profits to be made!

Thursday, September 11, 2014

Lessons From The Master

So Dick Cheney, former President pro tem of these here United States stopped by to give those wily rascals who make up the Republican part of our esteemed House of Representatives some pointers on war, Iraq, terrorism, ISIS/ISIL, and what the hell, life itself.

Naturally, these true blue patriots listened raptly, with dewy eyes and hearts all aflutter, seated at the feet of the Master, because they are, after all, nothing if not loyal boot licks.

Always on the look out for a friendly audience, Cheney, who is kept alive and amongst us by the wonders of modern medicine, offered up his "expert" advice.

Sorry...but I can't go on. We've stepped over the line from tragedy to farce one too many times.

Dick Cheney is a war criminal. He is forever stained with the blood of Americans and Iraqis. He is mendacious to his rotten core and, at this point anyone who believes a word he says is an imbecile. He should be locked in a dark, damp cell somewhere, muttering and snarling to himself, and writing his "expert" advice on the walls with his own feces.

And when the batteries in his artificial heart start to fail, three simple words:

Do Not Resuscitate.

Saturday, September 6, 2014

We Will Get Fooled Again

Well, the other day they had themselves a Republican primary out in these parts.

And they chose which "run the government like a business", "build the dang fence", "cut taxes and then wonder why the place falls apart", "free market worshiping", "fear the dark skin people", "bust the unions", freak they wanted to run for governor against the Democrat Fred DuVal: Ice Cream magnate Doug Ducey.

Then, having separated the chaff from the other chaff, naturally, the first thing the Republicans did was lie about DuVal's record. The very first thing!

Why? It's really very simple: because they have gotten away with lying so often and for so long that by now it's just second nature to them. "Like breathing out and breathing in."

Right out of the box you open your campaign with an easily disproved distortion of the truth. Simply breathtaking!

I think that tells you everything you'll ever need to know about the Republican Party. In Arizona and everywhere else.

That's their true inheritance from Nixon, Reagan, both Bushes and co-president Cheney. Lie, lie, lie...and then lie some more!

The "Party of Lincoln" is really the party of Atwater and Rove. Oh, and Rupert Murdoch, too!

More to the point, we've already seen, ad nauseam, what happens when the Republicans are completely in charge of the state's government--any state--and it ain't pretty.

There is, of course, only one sane choice for Governor of Arizona. In a sane state, Fred DuVal would win in a rout...

But this is Arizona...and sanity...well...sanity is not considered an essential component of Arizona government.

Because you can never stop stupid white people from voting. It's in the state constitution, I think. In fact, it's the very engine that keeps Arizona running the way it does.

And we wouldn't want to change that. No sir!

Status Quo or Death!

Monday, September 1, 2014

Best Movie Of The Year

OK, it's not exactly a movie, but that video of the little girl shooting the idiot who's "teaching" her to shoot an Uzi is priceless.

First of all, what kind of moron parents think it's a good idea for a 9 year old, girl or boy, to shoot an Uzi?

What, are we in the Middle East now? Is the white paranoia so strong that it repels any vestige of common sense?

"They're coming to get you honey, you better be ready. So put down that Barbie, and lock and load!"

Secondly, what kind of dumb bastard would agree to teach a 9 year old girl to shoot an Uzi? Oh, that's right, he was a trained professional. My bad.

I guess my second favorite part of this whole sad tale is the dumb bastard's Facebook page that states:"In the event of tyranny...I'd prefer a fighting chance."

Uh, he's going to protect us from tyranny, but he couldn't even protect himself from a 9 year old girl...The smart money is on tyranny.

Of course the poor child is probably damaged for life, but really, I say that's a small price to pay for our unbridled Second Amendment rights.

Hey, maybe Wayne "A Gun Is A Tool And So Am I" LaPierre will pay for all the many years of therapy she's going to need.

The again, maybe not.

Oh, I know, I know, this is just an awful accident. Of course it is.

It always is.