Who's In Charge Of Changing The President's Diaper?

This is a very important question, and one that, to my knowledge, hasn't been asked. 

It is, indeed, a question of national security. 

You can't just let anyone change Trumpie's diaper. 

And it has to be changed regularly. Otherwise he just sits in it, with a contented smile on his face. Like a big orange baby. 

Now, we know it's not Melania. She certainly didn't sign up for that kind of, well, shit.

Ivanka? Princess Sparkle Pony is very busy helping her hubby get all the blood off his hands so they can get back to planning for Trump World Gaza. Just a couple more million people to, uh, "relocate" and they can start building!

Junior and Eric? Diapers are way too complicated for them to master. Eric would probably end up with it on his head, while his big brother just gives up and calls his coke dealer.

JD Vance? I'm afraid the smell would make his eyeliner run, and we can't have that. It might detract from his masculinity.

Pam Bondi? Maybe. But she is very busy trying to figure out which laws to break next and which laws to simply ignore. You know, legal stuff.

Kash Patel?  It would explain that crazy bug eyed look he sometimes has. Like he's staring into the face of great evil. Of course, that happens every time he looks in a mirror.

Steve Bannon? Good possibility. Someone that full of shit definitely wouldn't be bothered by the smell. 

But my money is on Stephen Miller. I bet he keeps them in a special room, and when he has a big sad, like if his wife left him, he goes into the room and just stares at them until he feels better. I'm sure he has his favorites. Like Proust with his madelines, each breath brings back a fond memory. "Ah! Burnt steak slathered in ketchup! Big Mac and a diet coke! Gosh, I don't know what that is, but I like it!" His eyes fill with tears of joy, and he has the strength to go back to lying about, well, everything.

Yep, must be Stephen Miller. 

What Happens To A Useful Idiot Who Becomes A Useless Idiot?

Having served his Master's purpose, not wisely or particularly well--but wholeheartedly--Donald J. Trump finds, much to his surprise that his Master no longer has any use for him.

Oops.

This must be causing some concern in whatever parts of Traitor Don's brain that are still semi-functional.

All that treason for naught. #SAD.

Sure, he will sooner or later be confronted with a bevy of New York state charges. And there's a pretty good chance that he will face a few Federal charges as well.

Sure, he will probably lose everything.

Sure, his beloved (well at least one of them is beloved) older children may all go to prison, too.

But he's spent his entire adult life bullshitting in court, drawing out law suits, dissembling, lying, bribing, blackmailing, and threatening people.

And somewhere in that low wattage brain of his, he's no doubt convinced himself that he will skate once more. Because he always has before.

The thing is, though, that his Master doesn't care about any of that.

No, his Master plays a brutally straight forward game of Realpolitik. Not a lot of grey areas. Not a lot of nuance.

The question is, will his Master be content to bury him under an avalanche of the Kompromat that they've been collecting for many years?

Of course, it could be something more dramatic. More final. More in keeping with his Master's M.O.

So, my advice to Donald J. Trump is "Don't drink the tea."

Or do. No one really gives a fuck anymore.

Today's Chuckle

I don't know about you, but the funniest thing I've heard recently is the rampant speculation about "what will Trump do next?"

Will he run in 2024? Will Jesus finally come back and be his running mate?

Will Don Jr. run?

Will Ivanka run?

Will he start his own media company?

Will he become the King Maker of the Republican party? 

These are all nonsensical.

Donald J. Trump will spend the rest of his miserable life either in court, in jail, and/or in bankruptcy.

And his three adult children, plus the boy wonder son-in-law, Jared, will spend much of their miserable lives doing the same.

It was "fun" while it lasted, but the gig, as they say, is up.

Their only options are to stay here and face the music, praying for an incompetent prosecutor, a senile judge, and a compromised jury full of MAGAts, or flee the country to somewhere without an extradition treaty.

Run in 2024? 

Don't make me laugh.

Freak Show

Remember when the Emperor Numbnuts told us that he only knew the "best people"?

Seems like a century ago...but it's really only been a couple of years, more than enough time to render judgment.

Well, if these are "the best", I'd hate to see the worst.

Starting in no particular order, let's take a quick look at "the best".

There's Kellyanne Conway, that walking scarecrow, who lies as easily as most people breath. Numbnuts should study her closely, despite the fact that she's definitely not a 10, because she's much better at lying than he is.

What about Billy Barr, whose Daddy gave Jeffrey Epstein a job at the elite Dalton school in NYC, showing a very perceptive understanding of human character, which he has passed down to his boy Billy. Barr has shown himself to be what we expected him to be, a Republican hack, who disregards the Constitution whenever it suits him.

Then there's Wilbur Ross, who came to the administration from one of the most corrupt banks on the planet, and apparently sleeps through most, if not all, of his department's meetings.

Rick Perry and Ben Carson are sharing one second rate brain, and poorly at that. 

Mike Pompeo has ground the State Department down to a fine dust, which I'm sure makes his "real" boss, Mr. Putin, very happy indeed.

Brett Kavanaugh shouldn't be allowed near any court, let alone our Supreme one. He's a liar, a sexual predator, and probably an alcoholic as well. But he went to Yale (pinch me!) so, it's all good.

Mike Pence is one of those holier-than-thou Christian pieces of shit which our country is uniquely infected with.

Betsy DeVos is a billionaire cretin, who is doing her best to destroy our public education system. Because "they" go to public schools and we certainly don't want to help "them" in any way. 

Let's skip over all of the "best people" who are now serving time and get to Numbnuts' family:

The boys, Junior and Eric, are exactly what you'd expect Donald J. Trump's sons to be. That's not a compliment. Spoiled, stupid, corrupt, entitled....I could go on, but what's the use? A lot of that comes from their "superior" genes. And the rest from the way they were raised.

Then there's Princess, who is just as spoiled, entitled and corrupt as her brothers, but maybe not quite as stupid. Maybe. What Princess brings to table, in addition to her slumlord husband, is a Daddy who desperately wants to, uh, "couple" with her.  Which sounds like something out of a lesser Greek tragedy. Of course, in Greek tragedy they usually all end up dead at the end. Something to hope for, I guess.

We will skip the other two Trump spawn. Because, honestly, why should we give them more attention than he does?

That leaves Melania, wife number 3. At this point,  I would not be surprised to find out that she was a Russian plant. A sparrow sent to entrap an idiot. Be Best!

My God! I almost overlooked Roger Stone! The man with a tattoo of Nixon on his back. A little too high to be a proper tramp stamp, but still...it's the spirit of the thing. Ponder that for a second. A grown man with a tattoo of Richard M. Nixon, noted crook and up until now our most disgraced President, on his back. That should go over well in prison.

"Too Stupid To Collude"

Four little words that will be Donald J. Trump Jr.'s epitaph.

It'll look really good on a granite headstone, too. Only the best granite, I'm sure. No! Let's go with marble! Like a Roman Emperor would use to memorialize his dimwitted son.

"Too stupid to collude."

Must be those "superior genes", huh?

Or do they skip a generation?

Or are they simply not there at all?

Like the old saying goes, "the apple doesn't fall very far from the tree."

Questions, questions, questions.

"Too stupid to collude."

WOW.

Genetics

We are what we are, and rare is the person who rises above.

For instance, let's say your dad was a mobbed up, crooked, racist piece of shit. Let's call him, oh, I don't know, Fred.

Chances are, unless you inherited absolutely zero traits from him, you, too, would end up being a mobbed up, crooked, racist piece of shit.

And there's a distinct possibility that you might even be a bigger mobbed up, crooked, racist piece of shit. What with the completely unwarranted sense of privilege that might come from such an upbringing.

Now, say you have kids.

Let's call them, oh, I don't know, Junior, Princess, and the Other One.

Here again, unless they inherited absolutely zero traits from you (and honestly, what are the odds of that?), they too would probably be mobbed up, crooked, racist pieces of shit.

Because you are a delusional narcissist as well, you might have even been able to convince yourself that you have "superior genes".

(Sound of uproarious laughter)

And that's genetics.

"Russia, If You're Listening..."

Please take him.

Please?

It's only fair. He's yours, after all. You made him.

Take his whole family. They'll fit right in. They're kleptocratic scum without an ounce of empathy or humanity. Ring a bell?

Now, the boys are very stupid, it's true. But you've dealt with your share of imbecilic scions in the past. It comes with the territory.

And the girl, well, she has some serious Daddy issues...You have psychiatrists in Moscow, right?

We will throw in his entire cabinet, too. It's a package deal. You could put them on display by Lenin's tomb. Keep your children in line by frightening them with the perils of unchained capitalism.

Oh, and make room for approximately 30 million frothing at the mouth morons. We will pay the freight.

They're his base, and he'd be lost without them.

Doesn't matter where you put them. A gulag in Siberia sounds about right.

Or, you could just slaughter them. Up to you.

Gee, I Hate To Be Crude, But...

Ivanka Trump really is a feckless cunt.

Now, before anyone gets their right wing, "real" American, snowflake panties all in a bunch, I don't mean that in a sexual, or misogynistic, way. I use that word in its English context. Not American. English.

In the way that Mick Jagger meant, back in the '60's, when a stuffy old man who, no doubt appalled by Mick's long hair and Carnaby street kit, asked him "what he thought he looked like" causing Jagger to reply "don't know. So long as I don't look a cunt like you."

See? It means something different.

An idiot. A fool. A poseur.

And therefore perfectly fitting for Ivanka Trump.

Or her brothers, for that matter. Or her husband.

Or her father. Especially her father.

In fact, the Trump Administration is made up almost entirely of Feckless Cunts.

They should trademark the name, make a couple of dollars for Trump Inc.

Only The Best People

Remember when our #FakePresident told us that he only knew the best people and his administration would only hire the best people?

Feels like a few centuries have passed since then, I know, but it was only little more than a year ago.

So, let's take a look at how some of "the best" people are doing.

Mike "Junior Jesus" Pence: any man who is afraid of what might happen if he's left alone with a (gasp) woman not his wife probably shouldn't be a heartbeat away from anything, let alone the Presidency. In general, people who think God is talking to them should be avoided, if not institutionalized.

Jefferson Beauregard Sessions: uh, whoever thinks it's a good idea to have a fucking white supremacist piece of shit running the Justice Department raise their hands. That is if you can, what with that sheet you're wearing.

Betsy DeVos: choosing someone with no practical knowledge of, or belief in, public education to run the Department of Education is exactly the kind of thinking we've come to cherish from our Flaming Orange Anus in Chief. Bravo sir, bravo!

Rick Perry: just another Republican idiot. No, the glasses don't make you look any smarter, Rickster. If only it were that easy.

Dr. Ben Carson: goes to show there are black idiots as well as white idiots in the Republicans' big tent. Some call that progress.

Wilbur "Ethics? What's That?" Ross: you'd think being on the board of one of the most corrupt banks in the world, the Bank of Cyprus, would disqualify you from being Secretary of Commerce. You'd be wrong. How about nodding off during meetings? No? Oh, I get it now. He makes Trump look virile and vital by comparison.

Steven Mnuchin: Stevie has him a trophy wife! But it sure wasn't for first place. Doesn't matter. They've both nestled up to the Government teat, and they are going to suck it for all it's worth.

General John Kelly: a racist, sexist, liar. It must be like looking in a mirror for Der Trump. Oh, wait. Kelly is a decorated Marine general, too, and not Cadet Bone Spurs. Uh, remind me again when we last won a war? Thank you for your service!

Scott Pruitt: you can't say that the Trumpster doesn't have a sense of humor. Most people would naturally assume that the EPA was created to protect the environment (I mean, Christ, it's in its name). And not to facilitate its rape and degradation, which is the only thing that Scott "First Class Is The Only Way I Can Fly" Pruitt is interested in. 

Jared "Side Hustle" Kushner: what can you say about this kid? Peddling his "influence" to whoever has a dollar. Slum lord. Tax cheat. Liar. "The apple doesn't fall very far from the tree" pretty much sums it up. His Dad is a crook, too. So naturally, he married into a family of criminals. They're not very good at it, but still, it's the thought that counts.

And let's not forget Steve Bannon, Roger Stone, Paul Manafort, Michael Flynn, Sebastian Gorka, Stephen Miller, Hope Hicks, Sean Spicer, Reince Priebus, Sarah Huckleberry Sanders, the Mooch, and each and every one of that crack Trump legal team.

If these are the best, sweet Jesus who or what would be the worst?

Thanksgiving With The Trumps

"Should we say a prayer?"

"Do you think it'll help?"

"At this point it couldn't hurt."

"OK. Jesus Christ, why me Lord, why me?!"

"That'll probably do."

"Remember, if Mueller calls, I'm not here."

"Pass the mashed potatoes."

"Fuck you."

"Manners, manners, manners. After all, we're the First Family, and we should set an example."

"Please pass the mashed potatoes."

"Why don't you take those potatoes and shove them up your ass?"

"Where's Tiffany?"

"Who?"

"Remember, if Putin calls, I'm not here."

"Do any of us even like turkey?"

"Have you seen Melania?"

"She grabbed a bottle of slivovitz and went to her room."

"A full bottle?"

"Yeah."

"Did she say anything?"

"Yes. She said 'fuck you, fuck all of you.'"

"Remember, if LaVar Ball calls, I'm not here."

"Is there any more slivovitz?"

Yet Another Fable, Part 1

And so the Master Negotiator, the winner, the sporter of superior genes, the self-proclaimed multi-billionaire, found himself in a pickle.

After so many bankruptcies--none of which were his fault, of course--no major American bank would loan him a penny!

Now, you might think that a truly master negotiator would be able to work something out with Chase, or B of A, or Wells Fargo, or Citi, or somebody...

But the banks had all been burned by one or more of his bankruptcies, and so they told the Master Negotiator, the winner, the self-proclaimed multi-billionaire, "NO!"

Of course, he could've used some of his own multi-billions, couldn't he?

Hmmmm? Couldn't he? Does Warren Buffet have to borrow money? Does Bill Gates?

But the first rule of grifters everywhere is "never use your own money". (That is, if you have any money of your own.)

And so the Master Negotiator turned elsewhere...

Lo and behold, some nice Russian "businessmen" (hahaha) had some money, lots of money, and they were more than happy to help the Master Negotiator out!

Naturally, there were "terms" attached to these loans. When you borrow money there are always terms. And, depending on the lender, the larger the amount borrowed, the more onerous the terms may be.

But the Master Negotiator had never had to suffer the consequences of any of his many failures, and so, why not take the Russians' money?

Why not indeed?

What Kathy Griffin Should Say:

So I did something that I thought was funny, and it turns out that to many people it wasn't. Welcome to my entire career.

So it offended a lot of you. Oops. That happens in comedy sometimes. Get over it.

To put this all into perspective, Google all the things Donald Trump's asshole buddy (and White House guest) Ted Nugent said about President Obama and Hillary Clinton.

I may be a c-list comedian, struggling to be a mini-Joan Rivers, (who, by the way, said some truly awful things about Michelle Obama), but at least I never committed treason.

And as far as damaging little Barron Trump, wait until he's old enough to realize who his father is, all the awful things his father has said and done, just exactly what family he's a member of, and what the Trump name means to a majority of Americans and people around the world, and then talk to me about "damaging" poor little Barron with a distasteful sight gag.

Stream Of Unconsciousness

The bad acid trip that is the so called Trump "Presidency" continues...

There was (and perhaps is, my subscription to Obituaries Daily having lapsed) a comedian named Professor Irwin Corey.

He spoke highly educated, or at least seemingly highly educated, nonsense.

It was entertaining. But it was also complete nonsense.

Of course, Corey knew he was speaking nonsensical double talk.

And that's what makes him, dead or alive, more qualified to be President of the United States than Donald J. Trump.

It's really something to have a blithering imbecile leading the most powerful nation on the face of the earth.

At least for the time being.

When the indictments start coming, and come they will, Trump may find that he can't incoherently tweet his way out of them.

There will then be a desperate search for multiple fall guys...because nothing is ever DonDon's fault.

However, since there is very little honor amongst thieves, after that fails, perhaps a nice long stay in a federal prison is in order for some of the Trump family. And RICO all of their assets.

Until that glorious day comes, all we can do is sit back and enjoy the daily psychedelic word salad tweets that make Sarah Palin sound almost sane.

And hope that they've hidden the nuclear football from Der Trump.