Friday, August 28, 2015

A Modest Proposal

It cannot be repeated often enough:

Crazy people don't know they're crazy.

They're sure that everything they do and everything they believe is true and perfectly acceptable. In fact, it's the norm.

You really can't blame them for this.

They're crazy, after all.

It's up to some sane "voice of authority" to point out their madness.

Of course, if the only "voice of authority" they listen to agrees with them...

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you The Modern Republican Party!

And their enablers at Fox News.

So of course the president is an anti-American Kenyan socialist who hates white people! Women aren't smart enough to control their own bodies! Allowing gays to marry will make you gay, too! Or at the very least undermine your marriage! Poor people deserve their poverty! Money is speech and corporations are people! It's the Mexicans' fault! It's the unions' fault! It's the teachers' fault! Lower taxes on the rich help everyone! A livable minimum wage will destroy our economy! Police are always right to shoot black people!

I could go on, this point, that would be crazy.

And, since there "ain't no cure for crazy", here's what we should do:

Take one of our more disposable states. Kansas for instance. Centrally located. Has had a crazy ass governor and legislature for years. Nothing worthwhile or irreplaceable in the entire state. So we put a big fence around it. Trump can build it, using Mob concrete, and all the non-union labor he can find. And then we put him and all the crazies in there. Let 'em roam free. Huckabee, Coulter, Hannity, Palin, Carson, Limbaugh, Gohmert, King, Walker, Drudge, Santorum, Cheney, Jindal, all of 'em. The Bush family can either join them--or move to Saudi Arabia.

I'm sure some of you are thinking, "gee Mr. Franklin, that's a bit extreme, isn't it?"

I prefer to call it "tough love".

And I think you'll agree, it's the only sane choice.

Lots of fresh air, corn based diet, all interior surfaces painted a soothing green, crafts.

No guns though.

Sane people are nothing if not compassionate.

Oh, and no healthcare, either. It's a privilege, not a right, and sorry, but they haven't earned it.

Sunday, August 23, 2015

Why Republicans Hate Teachers

This is a simple one.

Teachers educate.

Educated people ask questions.

They understand facts.

They are repelled by bullshit.

They laugh at nonsensical statements.

They tend to reject racism and sexism and homophobia and xenophobia and anything to do with Ayn Rand.

In short, teachers teach people how not to be Republicans.

And that's why Republicans hate teachers.

Thank you, and good night.

Thursday, August 20, 2015

Defining Deviancy Down

You're probably thinking, "Boy, there sure are a lot of Republicans who think they're qualified to be President of the United States of America!"

And then, after you stop laughing, you're probably thinking, "But none of them are! Not really. Not one!"

Here's the problem: after 8 years of George W. Bush, the bar was set sooooo low that anyone in the GOP with more than two functioning brain cells thought "Hey, if he was President, I could be President, too! Cool!"

Thank you, Simple W.

And then, because a (gasp) black man was elected, twice, (hahaha), the racist part of those dimly functioning brains thought, "Hey, I'm white! That automatically makes me superior to any non-white person. I should be President! Cool!"

It is a perfect storm of stupid, and hubris, and white privilege all twirling together that gives us people like Trump, Bush, Cruz, Santorum, Rubio, Perry, Graham, Kasich, Christie, and Walker.

Frankly, there is no rational explanation for Carly Fiorina or Bobby Jindal. Other than being purely delusional, that is.

And as for Ben Carson, well, a little too much surgical nitrous oxide is my guess. He's flat tripping.

Monday, August 17, 2015

A True "Axis Of Evil"

How about this:

You've got the completely amoral corporations. Whose only goal is to make as much profit as they can in whatever way they can.

Then you've got the amoral corporations' bought and paid for Congressmen and judges. Who do what they're told to do, however detrimental to the nation it may be.

And finally, a militarized police force keeping the rabble in line. A force made up in large part by racists and sociopaths. By the way, the "rabble" includes most of us.

There's your All-American Axis Of Evil.

Works for me.

Thursday, August 13, 2015

Stupid Never Goes Out Of Style

Lemme see if I've got this right.

The same guys who told us that the Iraq War would be "a cake walk" and that the "war would pay for itself" and that "Saddam had WMD's and was this close to getting nukes" and that "we would be welcomed as liberators" and who cheered numbnuts' "Mission Accomplished" photo op like teenage girls at a Justin Bieber concert, are telling us now just how awful the President's Iran deal is...

And some poor, dumb, bastards actually believe them!

This is the true beauty of America: you can be wrong about everything. Everything. Every fucking thing!

And they'll still find a place for you on the Sunday chat shows to expound upon whatever topic you choose.

All those chickenhawk punks get a place at the table. Cheney, Graham, Bolton, Wolfowitz,  Kristol, and every last one of the Bushes.

Oh, and let's not forget John "Bomb Iran" McCain, who is supposed to be so wise about foreign affairs...without there being any evidence to prove that supposition.

And yet some media types continue to pretend that these clowns' totally empty heads contain knowledge.

Hey, if you're stupid enough to fall for that again you are, quite simply, beyond redemption, and you deserve whatever happens to you and yours.

Monday, August 10, 2015

The Next Big Thing

You're probably tired of all those "real" housewive shows.

And any and all Kardashians.

But still, you desperately want, nay need, a steady dose of what we somewhat oddly call "reality" TV.

So here it is, The Next Big Thing:

We get some of these bounty hunter guys, you know, the really inbred, mercenary wannabes, and we give them wrong information.

Like "so and so is hiding out here."

And we choose a "here" that is the home (or trailer, or hut, or whatever) of a heavily armed Second Amendment type.

Then just set up the cameras, stand back, and let the fun begin!

Friday, August 7, 2015

Oh My

Boy, you live long enough and you see all sorts of really strange shit.

Like Chris Hardballs talking to Michele "I don't actually have a functioning brain" Bachmann as if she were some sort of foreign policy expert.

As if anything she could possibly say would have any value--other than comedic.

But it happened!

You can't make something like that up.

If you did, they'd say you were crazy.


I also heard another noted talking head saying how "smooth" Marco "Remember To Hydrate" Rubio was.

I don't know where he gets his definitions from, but he must be using a different dictionary than I do.

Thursday, August 6, 2015

Live From The Monkey House!

I've never witnessed this, but reliable sources tell me that monkeys and apes in captivity frequently hurl their feces at human spectators.

Now, I don't know how you feel about Charles Darwin and that whole descent of man/origin of the species thing, but I am sure that that behavior is exactly what we can expect from the Republican debates.

And I, for one, can't wait!

PS Don't sit too close to the stage.

Sunday, August 2, 2015

It's Nothing Personal. It's Just Business.

Remember old Joe Stalin?

Psychopathic murderer of millions--friend and foe alike?

Fred Koch's business partner? (look it up.)

Yes, the Koch Bros' daddy made a fortune doing business with Stalin Inc. aka the Soviet Union.

But hey, a bucks a buck! Am I right?

And as long as there are dollars to be made, it really doesn't matter how they are made.

Or with whom.

That is the reductio ad absurdum of capitalism.

Therefore, the Koch Brothers will pollute all the air and water they have to to extract every last ounce of oil or coal or minerals or whatever it is...

And why they would sell off our national parks to the highest bidders.

You might see these parks as an ongoing gift to all of us. Part of our common inheritance.

That's where you're wrong. You'll never get rich, certainly not Koch rich, with that kind of socialist thinking. What the national parks really are are under-performing assets. And every asset needs to be maximized.

Now, you might think that's crazy, but when you see every single thing on earth as a potential dollar to be made, it makes perfect sense.