Saturday, October 29, 2016

A Handy Field Guide To The Various Kinds Of Trump Voters

First you've got the Angry White males in general. They're mad about most everything and they think Trump will restore the Greatness of America that they believe has been lost. They don't like political correctness, they don't like "uppity" minorities or women, they don't like immigrants, they don't like gays, they desperately want to go back to a mythical past where the "other" understood its subordinate place in the grand scheme of things. (This category includes the docile females that cower before their angry male masters.)

You've got the aggrieved working class whites, who have suffered and who do need help, but who somehow missed the part of the Trump economic plan where you outsource work to China and bring in Polish scabs to save a buck. But he's not a woman and he's white, so they're all in. These are people who already are benefiting from government programs or will need to very soon, but still have a deep hatred for Big Government because it only helps "the other".

There's the "he's going to cut our taxes" crowd. That's the only thing that matters to them. Ever. I call it the "I've got mine-fuck you!" crowd. (Many of these people are Libertarians. I would point out that no advanced civilization has ever been based on libertarian principles. Ever. I would also point out that their patron saint Ayn Rand was a mediocre novelist and a dime store philosopher. But, yeah, she probably would have cut their taxes, so it's all good.)

Oh, and let's not forget the Christian hypocrites. Here you've got a thrice married sexual predator, with a condescending, indeed mocking, attitude toward women and minorities. He has refused to pay people who did work for him and his companies have gone bankrupt multiple times, cheating hundreds if not thousands, of small, family run businesses in the process. But, Donald J. Trump will let you keep as many guns as you want (just like Jesus would) and, well, he's white and not a woman, so praise the Lord!

Then you've got the Alt-Right white supremacists. Cuz he's gonna deal with the dark skin people, wherever they're from. Even, maybe especially, native born American citizens. The 13th, 14th, and 15th Amendments were a mistake, y'all.

Throw in a tiny handful of Latinos and blacks who obviously aren't getting enough oxygen to their brains.

And finally, you've got the sort of people who just like to watch stuff burn. And what bigger fire could you have than a Donald J. Trump presidency?

Baby, it's a Big Tent!

Wednesday, October 26, 2016

Damaging The Brand

At some point, one imagines that Donald J. Trump will wake up from the sordid political ego trip that he's on and realize that he has done irreparable harm to his brand.

And his brand is really all he has.

He's not a great builder or developer.

He's not a leader or a statesman.

He's certainly not a great thinker.

What he is is a brand.

He will slap "TRUMP" on anything.

And some people will buy it, because in their delusional state they think it symbolizes "class".

But his every action in the dumpster fire that he calls a campaign has served to alienate a lot of people with money.

And while many people with money may deep down agree with all the garbage that Donald spews, they don't want to be seen by their peers as agreeing with it.

They will drop him so fast it will make his "hair" spin.

Then all that's left will be the hard core Trump supporters.

And the KKK, white supremacists, low info voters that worship his every bilious word, can't afford the TRUMP brand. Oh, maybe a Made In China necktie, but honestly, how often do those folks dress up?

When he finally realizes this, that he's injured his brand--and his beloved daughter's brand--perhaps fatally, Donald J. Trump will look for someone or something to blame.

It definitely won't be his fault. It never is.

Saturday, October 22, 2016

Sunday, October 16, 2016

The Donald J. Trump Guide To Dating

1) Apply excessive amount of cologne and gobble a handful of tic-tacs.

2) Lock the doors.

3) Check your hair.

4) Show her your wallet.

5) Force her into a corner.

6) Get geopolitical. You know, Russian hands and Roman fingers. Amirite?

7) Show her your wallet again.

8) Check your hair.

9) Unlock the doors.

10) Make her leave.

11) Re-apply cologne.

12) Check your hair.

13) Deny everything.

14) Buy something nice for whatever number wife you're on.

15) Repeat as necessary.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

Dante's Inferno Revisited

They're adding another circle to hell just for Trump and his supporters.

It's going to be the best!

Very yooge and beautiful and very, very classy!

The Guiliani Lounge is spectacular.

And the Chris Christie Vomitorium is, well, exactly what you'd expect.

Plenty of room for expansion, too.

If you have to spend eternity burning for you sins, this is the place to do it!

Thursday, October 6, 2016

The Little Voice Inside Donald Trump's Head

I do not want this job.

It's a hard and thankless job. And I do not do hard and thankless.

I do not want this job.

You have to know stuff to do this job well. A lot of stuff. And I do not have the time or the inclination or the capacity to learn a lot of stuff. I'm a very busy man, after all.

God, I do not want this job! 

Can't these idiots see that?

Isn't it painfully obvious?

What the fuck do I have to do?

Piss on the flag?

I've tried everything else I can think of.  Insulted and alienated everyone I possibly can.

Told so many lies, that even I can't keep track of them.

And still these ignorant bastards roar their support. Fuck.

Honestly, how incredibly stupid are these people?

Low information isn't the half of it. Brain dead is more like it.

How 'bout I molest a Cub Scout? With a copy of the Constitution. Beneath a picture of Jesus. While Pat Boone sings the Star Spangled Banner.

Would that do it?

Sweet Mother of Christ,

I. Do. Not. Want. This. Job.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

Business Is Business

Cuba? Hey, great if we can work it out! Plenty of beachfront and cheap labor!

Russia? Sure. They may be Red but their money is green! Besides, that Putin is mas macho!

With the Mob? You bet. Gotta keep up family traditions!

The important thing is to get paid, yo!

Dip into my own charity? Well, it is my charity! Got my name all over it! And a buck's a buck!

Why outsource to China? Cuz they'll work for less. A lot less. And that means more for me!

Import Polish construction workers? Hell yes! They're non-union, after all. And that means more for me!

It's nothing personal...

It's just business.